Do it like this. Via Private Custard @Flickr.
I’ve been reading Hazlitt recently (brilliant, if occasionally too clever, and pretty much unaware of women as people), specifically his 1826 essay “On The Pleasure of Hating.” Hazlitt had some sucky chapters in his life (although he inflicted a lot of the damage on his own), and OtPoH came out of his own, well-stocked store of personal bitterness. The essay is worth reading on its own merits, but it’s got me thinking about my own bitterness. So, given the intimate relationship I have with my own spleen and its venting, and with the hopes of making lemonade out of shitberries, I offer a few thoughts on anger and its uses for feminists.
1. Anger is not disgust. While the two may be related, disgust is a dead end, while anger is a font of energy. I find Vice magazine and cosmetic fillers disgusting, but… But nothing. I am not angry about them. “Eww, gross!” is neither a convincing argument nor an effective policy.
2. Anger is not rage, either. We all get the HULKSMASH! impulse, but it is of limited use. It may feel good to vent, to holler or swear, to break crockery or noses—or at least to think about these things—but 1) it is impractical (crockery and noses are expensive to replace) and 2) it doesn’t change a thing. One of my favorite girlhood books was Frances Hodgson Burnett’s A Little Princess, and one of my favorite lines from that book is this: “There’s nothing so strong as rage, except what makes you hold it in—that’s stronger.” Anger is stronger than rage. Rage is out of control, anger is focused. Rage is a wildfire, anger is a blowtorch. Your anger can help you take action through clear-headed, strong-hearted words and deeds, on whatever scale is appropriate.
3. Anger means you care. Anger, real anger, lights up your brain and gets your heart pumping. It is the opposite of apathy, despair, and resignation. Women are socially conditioned to avoid, repress, or mask their anger, or at least apologize for it: “I’m sorry if this sounds angry, but…” Don’t be sorry. You’re angry for a reason. Honor your feelings. Take action. That you’ll have to pick your battles is as true as the fact you’ll never run out of battles (if you’re paying attention). Anger is going to help you fight the good fight.
4. Anger makes you visible. Because it prompts you to speak and/or act (whether on your own behalf, or others’), your anger will make you visible in a way that you weren’t before. “Well-behaved women seldom make history,” right? Even if you not interested in making history, your anger can help make the world a better, more just place. While you may fear that your words and deeds might make you a target for some, and while you may indeed become less popular with some (jerks), it’s even more likely to make you feel strong, and proud of yourself, and will show you to be someone who won’t be bullied.
5. Anger makes you dangerous. This is awesome. When channeled correctly, anger gives you power. It’s an engine for action and change. It’s what makes you say “no” to people who want to take advantage of you, or silence you, or insult you. Anger taps into your resources and can bind you to allies. A lot of the assholes in your life are actually cowards, and if you start using your anger productively, you’ll see them for what they really are. And they’ll see you, too, and slink away.
6. Anger turned inward is the worst. I know from this. I think most women do. It’s nearly impossible to not be poisoned by patriarchal messages that you’re not a full human and not fully deserving of human rights. When you’re told that you need to apologize for your thoughts and feelings and looks and weaknesses and strengths and, and, and, it’s too easy to think that you are always the one at fault. For all my advocacy of anger’s usefulness, I also have to say “be careful.” You can burn yourself pretty badly with a blowtorch.
I think I needed anger for the last year, but it got covered up by a sense of failure, hurt, depression, etc.
It might have served me better to just get mad, and I’m trying to shift gears these days and see what happens. I think I might go read that essay.
I grew up in a family where being angry–even if it was totally valid and righteous anger–was met with a lot of “oh, calm down” and “just let it go.” (most specifically when relatives did/said something awful and my parents refused to acknowledge or engage them about it) Which of course, only made me more angry.
Being angry is powerful and useful but dismissing other people’s anger is a powerful and much-used way to belittle and control them.
Number Six may just become my mantra.
Possibly because I was also raised Catholic, I have always found that last part damn near impossible. It’s too easy for me to be dissuaded from anger by people who think I’m being unreasonable, and that just makes me angry at myself.
For the record, I thought this post was excellent, and reading it, I felt extremely excited to see what’s in store for this blog.
I am a passionate person that gets angry, and I’ve always thought that was a good thing. Like you said, anger means you care. And when you care about something, you have the desire to change it if it angers you.
I’ve never made apologies for my anger.
Never apologize for caring. You are passionate about what you believe and “angry” is just the dismissal that those who are not paying attention, have tried to label you with.
(great blog btw, guys. I’m in NC for the time being and welcome a new blog distraction)
Ugh. I’ve never been able to channel my anger in any kind of productive or healthy way. I go passive-aggressive or stuff it in until I’m sick. I wish I had $1,000 and a fantastic therapist because this has gotten me into nothing but trouble. I think I’m afraid I don’t have a right to anger because if I express it, then the person or person(s) relative to the situation that angers me won’t like me anymore. Why do I care?
Getting angry should have been my number one new year’s resolution.
I have already repeated the phrase “making lemonade out of shitberries” twice in professional contexts today.
Another benefit of becoming acquainted with one’s own anger is that it gives you tolerance for other people’s anger. I have one particular coworker who has an amazing gift for letting me totally fucking lose my mind, and not
a. getting upset himself or
b. making me feel out of control or crazy or bad for being angry.
It’s an incredible skill to give people around you room to be angry without flipping yourself (unless you are, indeed, also angry). Usually people who are angry really need to be heard.
Great post. I have that Hazlitt essay, and you’ve just reminded me of it, so I’m going to go back and read it again. But you make an excellent point regarding the distinction between anger and rage. It took me a looooong time and a lot of growing up to appreciate the difference.
We have this idea in the West that it’s ‘healthy’ to let out our anger by shouting/screaming, and that keeping it in is bad for us. I used to think that until I read an interview with the Dalai Lama (stay with me), where he made the case that by releasing our rage in that way, we are merely perpetuating it, passing it on to the next person. That it’s better to acknowledge our anger, examine and think about it, then put it down and move on.
It reminded me of a skit Henry Rollins used to do, where he’s rushing to the airport to catch a plane and everything goes wrong – train delayed, given wrong directions, taxi gets lost, etc. By the time he gets to the check-in, he’s about to miss his plane, and he starts screaming and shouting at the clerk because she can’t find his reservation. A cool businessman at the next desk then calmly points out that it’s not the clerk’s fault that he is late, and asks him why he is ‘decorating’ the airport with his vitriol. Because that’s all it is – decoration.
How great to see so many familiar, uh…faces…
DangerMouse: I hear ya on the depression-dousing-your-anger-thing. I would say that some *coughmycough* depression is typically #6, anger turned inward. Poorly channelled. Here’s to both of us re-routing it in more productive directions. You too, sarah.of.a.lesser.god, and Mama Penguino. I think one reason statistics indicate that women suffer depression in greater numbers is because our anger is more likely to be squelched and swallowed. Unfortunately, it that doesn’t put it out, it just smolders and hurts. Wow, I’m gettin’ all “Raisin in the Sun” here…
Becky & Krushchev & Jessi: You’re absolutely right that dismissing people’s anger is a way to control them. “Chill out!” “It’s just a joke!” “You’re just looking for something to get upset about!” We’ve all heard those before (and we’ll hear them again). And it’s easier–in the short term, anyway–to flare into rage, or let yourself be silenced. Anger takes patience, I think. It’s a kind of self-discipline.
JDR: Sounds like you’ve got a good colleague who knows that the world doesn’t revolve around him. However, to me, anyway, it sounds like you’re talking about rage there. And there’s a place for rage, I think. We DO have to pick our battles, of course, and we DO need to blow off steam. But if you really want to change stuff, rage is more likely to hurt you than help you, as Diziet_Sma and her buddy Hank point out.
Britni: Welcome to the angry, angry club. AKA Harpyness.
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