Yes Means Yes: Visions Of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape is an anthology that “moves beyond ‘no means no’ to connect the dots between the shaming and co-option of female sexuality in our culture(s) and some of the ways rape is allowed and encouraged to function.”
The contributors include (but are not limited to) straight women, queer women, transwomen, men, white women, women of color, sex workers, professional feminists and recreational feminists, writing about rape and “not rape” and how to combat sexual violence.
I had the pleasure of attending a live reading Thursday night in DC. Editors Jaclyn Freidman and Jessica Valenti, Racialicious editor Latoya Peterson, “radical doula” Miriam Pérez and author Hanne Blank read exerpts from their contributions, which are wonderfully diverse. The women’s stories and observations both made me despair and pump my fist in solidarity. I haven’t gotten through the entire book, but I from what I have read it’s an awesome, profound collection.
Contrary to the impression one might get from the title – that consenting to sex is the path towards a rape-free world (bringing to mind that “joke:” Prevent rape – consent!) – the book does not propose that rape is an accident of miscommunication. Rather, it is a symptom of misogyny, a consequence of strict gender roles, and a tool of oppression.
I want to talk about why the “No Means No” model of rape prevention, which Yes Means Yes builds upon, is insufficient. It is not wrong, but it is not enough. I am going to speak about male-on-female rape for the sake of simplicity and clarity.
By now, the notion that “no means no” has saturated our society to the point that most people think it’s the “rule” when it comes to rape. It is an important rule to follow. If someone says they don’t want you to do something sexual to their body, you don’t do it. The problem is that NMN implies that women’s default state is consent. It supposes that if we are not protesting, we are inviting. The NMN standard puts the onus on women to say “no” rather than on the man to get clear, affirmative consent. If she didn’t say “no” – if she was too intoxicated, or drugged, or unconscious, or taken by surprise, or coerced, or physically unable to speak – she gets lost in that gap created by NMN.
While NMN is vital to anti-rape efforts, combating sexual violence requires a multipronged approach. Our culture’s views on sex, pleasure, power, masculinity, reproduction, and so much more will have to shift. It’s a daunting task, for sure; but it’s a global emergency.
I was also at the DC reading. It was amazing! I was so impressed by the contributors and their powerful stories. Also, as someone who has experienced rape, it was a curative experience to hear it publicly declared that no matter what, what happened to me was not my fault. Rape is such a taboo topic, but I think if it was acceptable for women to discuss it with one another, we would be shocked how many have been sexually assaulted. And ‘not-rape,’ as Latoya termed it, is something that every woman has experience and yet is not discussed at all. Nothing is ever going to change unless we bring the subject of sexual assault – not only rape but the cultural misogyny that makes harassing and victimizing women acceptable – out into the open. That’s why this book is important. I’ve really liked what I’ve read so far and would definitely recommend it.
Also, if you’re in the DC area and missed the first reading, the University of Maryland is going to be hosting another Yes Means Yes event in the future. Anyone who wants more details can email me.
Rape is such a taboo topic, but I think if it was acceptable for women to discuss it with one another, we would be shocked how many have been sexually assaulted.
Read the comments section of any women’s interest blog – let alone feminist ones – and the number of women who report being assaulted (but did not report it in the non-virtual sense) is absolutely staggering.
“The problem is that NMN implies that women’s default state is consent. It supposes that if we are not protesting, we are inviting. The NMN standard puts the onus on women to say “no” rather than on the man to get clear, affirmative consent.”
THIS. Not to mention that many men are unaware that if a woman is probably not OK to drive, she’s not OK to consent either.
I recently raised a stink in my new-college-employee orientation when I asked the man from public saftey who was bragging about workshops about rape awareness why they didn’t have comparable “no raping” workshops for the boys. I should have also asked him why all the “safe ride” (a service that provides free rides to students who are out on the town) posters feature a young woman in a miniskirt in a dark alley.
I went to the Boston reading for Yes Means Yes and LOVED it. We had Jacyln Freidman, Kate Harding, and Toni Amato- Jessica Valenti was supposed to be there but had strep- and it was incredible. I went with a group of girls from my college’s FMLA, and we all found the reading to be so inspiring. I’ve spent the past week and a half telling everyone I know about the absolutely mindblowing concept that rape WOULDN’T HAPPEN without the RAPIST.
@Pilgrim: I was basing that statement on the comments from any number of Jezebel posts about rape. Like you said, the numbers are staggering. It’s pretty shocking that this is practically a normative experience for women today. And, considering my sexual assault happened when I was 15 and I didn’t even realize that what happened to me was rape, and not just a bad first-time experience, until I got to college and took a women’s studies class, there are probably a lot of women out there whose sexual assaults fit the empirical definition of rape and yet for whatever reason do not consider themselves to be rape victims – often, I think, because they feel that they are somehow responsible for what happened. When I think back to myself at 15, wondering what I had done wrong (instead of what my rapist had done wrong) to make me feel so awful, this makes me feel incredibly sad.
P.S. SarahMC, thanks for posting the names of the contributors – I thought Hanne Blank was incredibly insightful (and hilarious!) and have been wanting to check out her books, but couldn’t remember her name. I’m definitely going to check out her book Virgin: An Untouched History.
[...] Springer’s essay “Queering Black Female Heterosexuality” in the anthology Yes Means Yes. Springer argues that “in a culture that makes us believe that someone else’s wants are [...]