Blarf. Via Sister72 @ Flickr.
Welcome to Harpy Seminar, a regular feature we plan to have at regular intervals, unless we get too busy to have it at regular intervals, in which case it shall appear whenever we have time and inclination for it. Each Seminar begins with a question, which we discuss amongst ourselves, and we then edit the highlights of our conversation into a post. Please feel free to join in in the comments!
Valentine’s Day is upon us, and here at Harpy HQ, like everywhere else, we’re faced with the endless messages about how best to celebrate our love. So, today’s Harpy Seminar question is: What’s your take on Valentine’s Day, from either a personal perspective, a feminist perspective, or–if they’re different–both?
PhDork: Personally, V-Day makes me itchy. While I think that taking the opportunity to express your feelings to your loved one/s is never a bad idea, I have major problems dealing with the social pressure to do something big and splashy (or rather, since I’m a woman, something sexy-licious) to “prove” my love to my dude. The whole thing makes want to walk around wearing hole-y granny panties and belching, loudly and repeatedly, just to cut the treacle.
Becky Sharper: I also hate hate HATE the pressure V-Day puts on us. It’s a lose-lose for everyone: an anxiety-inducing challenge to have the perfect date/gift/candlelit sexytime for couples, OR self-esteem crushing sense of loserdom for the uncoupled. And woe betide anyone who falls in between. Last V-Day I had just started dating someone, and while it was going great, it was still early and both of us felt this ridiculous pressure to decide whether we were going to have a real V-Day date or not. Blargh.
Pilgrim Soul: In general, sentimentality smells like patriarchy to me these days, so as soon as someone’s getting all up in my grill about how to best Celebrate Our Love, he is unlikely to find me being very helpful. It’s hokey to me, and therefore insincere. I realize I am a pain in the ass to date as it is, and I therefore don’t expect to pile on a bunch of societal nonsense about things Dudes Must Do to Keep Me Interested.
Of course, I haven’t been in a functional relationship for awhile so this hasn’t been much of an issue, and usually there is some girlfriend around to spend Valentine’s Day with if I’m feeling the urge, or otherwise I generally deliberately read a book about someone who’s unhappy in their marriage or something to remind myself that my Lack of Dude is not a fatal condition. Schadenfreude is to Valentine’s Day what peanut butter is to chocolate. Semper fi, haterz!
sarah.of.a.lesser.god: I feel like Lack of Dude is not a dangerous condition in the slightest. A Dude for Dude’s Sake is a more nefarious illness. Trapped in a loveless relationship solely to fulfill society’s dictate that you have a romantic (hetero) attachment? Gee, that sounds like so much fun! And I feel that V-Day is similar: being romantic because culture tells us that we can never be unhappy with our significant others on February 14. Give lingerie and chocolates, even if the relationship is lukewarm at best! Everyone knows that honest declarations of love are most meaningful if they’re delivered on V-Day, accompanied by a Hallmark card and a Whitman’s Sampler box of chocolates! And don’t forget the crotchless panties!
Kitten Fluff: I actually really, really like Valentine’s Day, probably for the entirely superficial reason that I like pink, purple, hearts, and flowers. I never felt like it was intended to make me feel bad when I was single, and, looking back, my favorite V-Days have been the ones I’ve spent with friends. Also, Valentine’s Day was responsible for one of my favorite college pastimes — reading the arguments between feminists and antifeminists about The Vagina Monologues every February in my Catholic college’s campus paper.
PhDork: Hey, I did The Vagina Monologues one year! Yeah, that was probably my best V-Day, exactly because it wasn’t about my private relationship, gettin’ it on, and/or what I could buy to “enhance” the experience.
SarahMC: I do not have a problem with Valentine’s Day inherently, but with the way it’s framed in our capitalistic, patriarchal, heteronormative society.
Becky Sharper: The commoditized aspect of V-Day is so offensive, especially as the diamond/flower/chocolate businesses’ entire V-Day marketing campaign can be summarized as: “Hey dudes! Give a gift, get some pussy!” It only reinforces the whole idea of romance as a transaction, which is a huge feminist pet peeve of mine.
SarahMC: A few years ago, I got upset when I didn’t receive flowers at the office from my boyfriend on V-Day. I don’t even care about flowers that much, but all the other women with boyfriends or husbands had gotten flowers, and I had a boyfriend, so shouldn’t I have them too? I expressed my disappointment to the boyf and he dutifully sent me flowers for the few years that followed. But eventually I came to my senses (after getting more involved in feminism, actually) and realized that expecting flowers from my boyfriend because I am a woman and he is a man and “that’s what men do” for their sweethearts on V-Day is both sexist and materialistic.
Right now we are both unnecessarily stressed because we have not made dinner reservations for Saturday. We are both scrambling to find a place, even though neither of us particularly gives a shit whether we go somewhere. We go out to dinner all the time. Is it really important for those of us who are paired off to fulfill our American duty to celebrate V-Day by consuming expensive food? I wish people would just express their love on a regular basis and give the finger to gimmicks like V-Day, but even for me it’s hard to resist that socialization.
Kitten Fluff: I totally agree with SarahMC’s critiques of how the holiday is framed — especially vis-a-vis heteronormativity. And I think Becky is absolutely correct about the holiday being marketed in such a way that it reinforces the idea of romance as a transaction. Overall, now that I am part of a couple, I see Valentine’s Day as an excuse to try out a new restaurant and go on an actual date. Obviously, it’s stupid to wait until a Hallmark holiday to do that, which is another problem altogether.
sarah.of.a.lesser.god: I actually realized today that I had forgotten all about Valentine’s Day. In previous years, I probably would have started feeling empty for being single on Official Lovey-Dovey Day (TM), but this year I’m able to step back and see how crazy it is. It originated as yet another Catholic Feast Day to honor a saint whose legend is murky at best, and nearly two thousand years later, it has been twisted into a day of branding opportunities, cheap candy, and single-shaming. Are you in a relationship? Why not? What’s wrong with you? Do you have leprosy? Are you a hideous freak? How can you live with yourself? YOU ARE REJECTING THE SOCIAL DOCTRINE OF HAPPY HETERO COUPLEDOM!
PhDork: I love you, you hideous freaks. Happy V-Day, y’all.
eh. I don’t mind it. Even when I’m single its never felt like a knife in my heart that I didn’t have anyone to celebrate with. The BF and I are going out to dinner, its always nice to have an excuse for a nice dinner out. This year I’ve been hand-making cards for my friends which I personally have enjoyed probably like 10 times more than they’ll enjoy receiving them.
Oh and check out this hilarious onion article http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/i_wish_id_spent_valentines_day
(sorry if I’m not allowed to link)
I thought this was a great discussion, ladies. I particularly like what SarahMC said here:
“I wish people would just express their love on a regular basis…”
To me, this is the central problem with Valentine’s Day. If you’re in love with someone, you don’t need a day to celebrate it. It is an ongoing celebration. My last two Valentine’s Days were celebrated with a boyfriend who DID see the relationship as a form of transaction, and I couldn’t figure out why things like this–VDay and anniversaries–felt so flat. It’s because he’d take me out to an expensive restaurant, complain about what he perceived to be snobbery on the part of the waiters, and then get offended when I didn’t want to have sex with him more than once. He was the first boyfriend I ever spent Valentines Day with, so I don’t have any particular fondness for the holiday.
When I was single, I celebrated “Khrushchev is Awesome Day” (only that was referring to myself, not Nikita). I basically just did what I wanted to do, hung out with myself, saw movies by myself, ate food I wanted to eat, celebrated my own lovely solitude. That’s the way to go.
I agree that VD is a commercial holiday and wish that people could just let the person that they love know on a regular basis. I don’t get why The Grand Romantic Gesture has to be saved for a day that someone else told you is supposed to mean something.
Also, my last three have been so sucktastic that I have kind of given up on the holiday as a whole. 3 years ago, I received razors and a pasta strainer as my gift, 2 years ago I found out I was being cheated on, and last year my boyfriend got arrested and spent the next three months in jail.
This year I am getting all dressed up in slutty clothes and going to a fetish party with friends. Something tells me it will be my best one yet.
This is in fact my first ever coupled-up Valentine’s Day. Our plans? The crack-like General Tso’s chicken (or faux chicken in his case) and multiple episodes of Destroyed in Seconds on the dvr. We both have an aversion to the holiday, spend enough time going out to restaurants (and don’t want to deal with the over-priced, lower-quality VD prix fixes), and we’re very good about flowers/gifts/saying I love you throughout the year. I don’t need a day to do that.
Bluebears, you are totally allowed to link.
Update: The boyf and I decided not to go anywhere “special” tomorrow, and to go out to brunch Sunday instead.
I better get diamonds, though, bitch.
Pressure bad, cheap next-day boxes of insane chocolate goodness…good. I loved the hullabaloo of making Valentine’s Boxes to put Valentines in..and I liked the tradition of everyone in class gives one to everyone else… I co-sign on the hatred of that treacly sentimentality that makes a pink bear holding a pink box of pink chocolate with pink roses seem like a good idea to a desperate procrastinator.
Pink chocolate is never as good as the real thing.
But, MKP, pink champagne can totally be as good as the real thing.
I had a girlfriend once that only wanted pink champagne for VD. So that’s what I got her. And then my ex showed up and drank it with us. Wow, I really do have a history of sucky VDs.
I’ve never been a fan of v-day in the coupledom sense. If I am seeing someone around that time of the year, I usually say something like I’m not into it, but if you want to do something, that’s cool. What that resulted in last year is the transfuckignformers collector in my life getting a lecture from his housemate that “She says she doesn’t want anything, but secretly she wants chocolates and flowers.” Grrr.
Sending out grade school valentines and eating candy hearts, on the other hand, are traditions I can still get behind.
Me want faux Tso! We’re getting brunch at a new-to-us place in the neighborhood tomorrow morning, and going to see Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings that night, which should be rad and un-treacly. I still need to find or make a card, though, and I feel all pressured: it has to be the right card, it has to be meaningful. Anxiety-induced procrastination: I haz it.
@PhDork: I am so jealous! Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings rule! (also, good sexytime music when played in the background) I feel you about the card, though. Barnes & Noble actually has some good cards if you want to go to a non-card store. So, surprisingly, does Whole Foods.
@Kruschev: I love “Kruschev Is Awesome Day.” Although you could make an argument that every day is Kruschev Is Awesome Day and you’re just upping the celebration level on V-Day.
@Britni: Fetish party? Let your freak flag fly! Plz to report back with details.
“Semper fi, haterz!” must be worked into my daily speech.
I agree with the general consensus: being nice to people you love is good, doing it because you’re supposed to sucks on two levels. It opens the door for the gesture to seem insincere, and it puts pressure on people to conform. Love is good (if in fact it exists, but that’s a query for another time), conformity sux.
It doesn’t have to be a significant other that you shower with gifts. My father doesn’t do anything for my mom on Valentine’s Day, so for the last two years I’ve given her a gift certificate for a massage. She knows she’s getting it, but always acts surprised and gets tears in her eyes.
I think my boyfriend and I are going to the Museum of Science and we’ll probably bone later on…good enough for me.
Best part of Valentine’s Day: huge candy discounts on 2/15!
I’m spending Valentine’s Day in a country where the holiday is given nothing more than a passing thought. For both me and my long distance significant other, I thinks it’s almost a relief not to have to worry about buying each other some grand gift. We sent each other letters, which will probably arrive weeks late due to the insane postal service lag.
My language instructor assigned me a presentation on the history of Valentine’s Day. After my presentation, she said, “Shouldn’t every day be Valentine’s Day? Why do you need a special day?” Amen, sister.
Ah, Mac, you nailed it. Pink and red peanut M&Ms taste even better at 50% off.
While it bothers me as a commercial holiday probably cooked up during a smoke-filled meeting between DeBeers, Victoria’s Secret, Hallmark, Russel Stover, and 1-800-Flowers, I enjoy the actual day. I mean, yeah, of course I try to show my husband how much I love him every day of the year. Of course it means a ton more to me, when, say like the other night, my husband looks over at me, clad in sweatpants, laptop on lap, and says “you know, I’m really really happy just to be with you,” than it means for him to say “I love you” on a day entirely dedicated to saying so. But I enjoy Valentine’s day because usually we get our little hermit asses into some nice-looking clothes, have a nice dinner, maybe see a movie or a play, and exchange cards (we really don’t do gifts), and we have a schmoopy good time.
My VDay plans this year include going to the dog park if it’s not raining and some reservations at our favorite local/organic restaurant which is within walking distance from our house.
Sort of piggybacking on what AthertonMerriweather said, I think from now on I will spend some time volunteering every VDay if I can. Boyf and I are helping out an a dog adoption event tomorrow afternoon, and I think that’s a much, much better way to spread love than buying tacky stuff because the TV tells you to.
My best V-day ever was in 6th grade. Out of the blue, this boy gave me a big box of chocolates. I’d had no clue he liked me, but we became friends after that. (No romance, but he became a good friend for many years.) I had no idea how special that was at the time, and assumed every V-day would be that awesome. I still smile when I think about it. I’ve had great V-days with friends and roommates, watching movies and eating chocolate we got for each other, and of course with my husband since then, but nothing has been quite that special since.
And the pressure to go out to dinner sucks. The restaurants pre-cook hundreds of dishes, you have little or no choice with a prix-fixe, and they food even at normally good restaurants is just bad on that day. So we usually go out to dinner another night.
This year we decided to get away from all the insanity and the late-winter depression mixed with hyper consumption by renting a little cabin way out in the woods. No cards, no gifts, just some good old fashioned escapism and an outdoor hottub in the trees.
Me want outdoor hottub in the trees! And faux Tso!
Serious, JDR, that sounds fantastic. I’m embracing my inner kindergartner and decided to make a card for the Dude using Alpha-Bits (we never buy them, but he bought them, and wtf?), but I’m not sure how it’s going to work out.
The consumer driven commercialization of the day aside (and that’s a lot for me to push away), I’ve never had a problem with the sentiment of the holiday. Until I graduated from college I celebrated with cards and candy (and still do). Personally, it’s an excuse for me to reach out to the ones I love, as I’m not very demonstrative. I’ve also never had a valentine in a romantic sense,so my glasses may be a bit rose colored.
JD, I am SO jealous. that sounds amazing.
Meh, I don’t feel one way or another about VD.
Mr.B and I usually go for making “real” dinner (rice+beans+meat+salad+ fried plantains or avocado)and do what we do any other day- play games and smoke weed.
Sometimes I get excited and take construction paper and fingerpaint and tape up the messages I make with it into the hallway – it’s way amusing when he wakes up.
We don’t buy anything for each other for VD, though- because it usually sends Mr.B into “commercialization of every-single-motherfucking-thing” tirade -and after a few years it gets old.
jdregent, that idea is *way* awesome.
JD, I am totes jealous.
my ex used to be all “i don’t like being told by a stupid holiday what i’m supposed to do or give. every day should be valentine’s day”, and he’s right. we always went out to dinner and ate chocolate and gave each other really great mix cd’s. our last v-day together, i suggested that we make dinner at home to save cash and besides, it would be better anyway. we did, and he went overboard with buying special plates, a gorgeous rose arrangement, and we made dinner together. it was great. he dumped me six months later.
v-day is just another day. frankly, i see annoying couples every day of the year, not just on v-day. it should be cute and sweet, not some overwrought baloney.
this year i actually have a date for valentine’s day – a far, far better and smarter man whom i’ve been seeing for a little over a month. it’s been wonderful and casual and SLOW, because this isn’t the first time at the rodeo for either of us. he made the suggestion for making v-day plans first, not me, and we’re going to a nice restaurant near where we both live. simple, uncomplicated, relaxed. what’s wrong with that?
I generally don’t have a problem with Valentine’s day because I’m very lovey and huggy to my friends and family as it is, so I see it as a day to just remind everyone I love – Hey! I love you! This V-day is actually the first in a long, long time that I have a someone to celebrate with, so to speak… and its a girl! I just recently came out as bi so its really all new. I’m excited though because we’re going to a restaurant with a “monsieur and madame” prix fix menu, and we plan to demand Madame AND Madame, and be obnoxious to anyone that stares at us. Love is love! I don’t even know you guys, but Happy Valentine’s Day! I love Feminists!
I have to admit to never celebrating valentine’s day. It just seems completely pointless to me.
In the past I’ve had to tell boyfriends that I’m utterly serious in not wanting a silly card or some sort of strange fluffy animal or flowers, which I would prefer spontaneously on days of the years when they aren’t being hawked at me.
Sorry for the apparent lack of romance in my soul but the idea of an organised love day just seems utterly hideous to me and always has done.
I have never sent a valentine’s card in my life and when I was teenager I used to throw them unopened into the bin.
Yes, I am heartless. Or anti what I personally see as the most pointless fake consumerist celebration of them all. Take your pick. Bah humbug.
Aw, Anni! Have a romantical time!
PhDork, making your own card kindergarten style is one of the more romantic things I’ve heard in a while. Thanks for the ups everyone, I must confess, the mister’s bday falls on the same weekend so it’s kind of a two birds with one stone thing, and we both really, really, really need the break after a most trying winter.
Although Brigit, I kind of want to get in on your leftovers, weed and video games.
I find V-day to be like New Years Eve – when everyone gets pressured to go out but those in the know don’t. I hate hate hate all the “male must buy the female expensive things!!!! or you don’t really love her!!!!” messages. I had to repeatedly tell my BF when we first started dating that I did not believe in that. V-day isn’t all that important to us anyway because our 2 anniversaries we celebrate are Feb 12th and 24th – so anything extra-romantic would happen then instead. This V-day he is cooking me dinner which is nice.
romastrega, see I completely agree with you. Plus when I was as school I hated all the ‘tee hee how many cards did you get and who from’ crap. I think it’s just another way of pressurising young girls into believing that how they look is everything – ‘look you didn’t get tons of V-Day cards, you must be a failure’. I truly believe it’s the least romantic day of the year.
I find V-day to be like New Years Eve – when everyone gets pressured to go out but those in the know don’t.
Indeed, it is amateur hour extraordinaire. WifeRat and I created our own V-Day tradition when we moved in together years ago.
We get “New England Cam Bake” (big metal bucket filled with shrimp, clams, mussels, a couple of lobsters, and some potatoes & corn) from a local seafood place and have a relaxing dinner at home away from the crowds and silliness. The best part about it is that now we get into include BabyRat in our celebration!
Most disgusting V-Day thing? A local diamond merchant’s phone # is 1-800-HER-LOVE. Blecch!
romastrega – I’ve always called NYE “Valentine’s Day for single people.” You spend way more money than you should, you spend a ridic amount of time trying to find the best place to go, and you end up convinced that everyone else is having a better / more meaningful time than you.
Pass. Me, champale, and a good book. Actually, this could be a winning recipe for any holiday …
HillRat, my parents used to give me cards and little presents for Vday growing up and at the time I was annoyed or embarrassed by it but looking back it is incredibly sweet. All love is one!!!
I am the Valentine’s Day Expert. You have no idea.
Why? Because it’s my mathafuckin Birthday! I am stoked.
I could write a novel on the good sides, the bad sides and the capitalism of it all. I could have finished that novel when I was ten. I am so supersensitive to it all that it’s ridiculous.
You never know how painful it is when your friends stand you up on your birthday to be with ‘some dude’ because they don’t want to be alone on Vday. Hello? You’re not alone at a birthday party!
You never know how LOVED you feel on this day when you are able to share it with others. A birthday is classically ‘your day’ but having it on Vday means being conscious of others as well. I am always giving gifts on my birthday, there’s never been a year where I only receive. That feels pretty awesome. I love buying my friends cheesy valentine gifts.
And when you want to say I Love You, nothing does it better than the tacky.
Also, this is the second year that I have someone special to share Valentine’s Day with. (he is lucky, both days in one gets it out of the way real quick)
Finally, being born on this day means you’re aware of it all the time. Every day that you see the date, you know Valentine’s Day and it’s meaning – Love each other.
If we did not have Valentine’s Day, would any of this love be felt the rest of the year? It’s a reminder, not a mandate or a once a year thing.
Thanks all. Happy Valentine’s Day!
my post is apparently a little long. I don’t care. Tomorrow’s my birthday.
Hey, has any woman here sent their sig. flowers at work? Or made the romantic dinner – when it’s NOT Valentine’s Day? (I surprise the boyfriend with delicious, hard to find beer whenever I can since he doesn’t eat sweets.)
I call VD “Singles Awareness Day”… because that’s generally what it feels like.
This is my first paired-up one ever, and it’s early yet in the whole dating thing, so I think we’re going to eat pizza, watch DVDs, and eventually go to a party. No gifts, no going out, we both think it’s unnecessary (unrelated to newness of relationship, we just both don’t like the day).
Anni: Have an amazing time! Yay!
Oh, and Sukie: happy birthday, darling!
Has anyone heard of Steak and BJ day? Well, it’s on March 14. The idea being, I guess, that women get Valentine’s DAy, and men get well, Steak and a BJ exactly one month later. It’s the lamest. So my dude and I are going to get Mexican food on Valentine’s Day, but we renamed it Taco Day…for obvious reasons. I know, it’s juvenile, but kinda fun. So there you go.
lasooz: That (S&BJ Day) both compounds it (V-Day is for girls, This is for the men!,) and miraculously manages to highlight sex-as-transaction, even when women don’t “get anything” in return, since presumably they last put out on V-Day, in return for baubles or flowers or whatever. ‘Cause girls don’t like sex. Better trick ‘em, or force ‘em, or somthin’.
I LOVE Valentines Day. I’m married now, but I enjoyed it when I was dating and single, too. I ignore whatever pressure I’m supposed to feel and enjoy the sharing of candy and cupcakes at work, wearing red just for fun, etc. I have never spent a lot of money or had a guy spend much money on me, either. I just like having a holiday just for chocolate and romantic love.
This year the husband and I are going to make cheese fondue and just chill at home. We get each other flowers.
Sukie, I make the romantic meal quite a lot, most saturday nights in fact, with candles and nice wine and my husband brings flowers sometimes, but generally only if he sees some he fancies, he’s particular about this (yes, really).
Then again I like cooking and my husband and I rarely get to go out due to finance/ baby issues so it’s a chance to try out different recipes.
I never cook on Valentine’s though. Tomorrow night I shall be reading on the sofa and occasionally muttering at my husband.
Anyway Happy Birthday for tomorrow.
la sooz- I’ve never heard of S&BJ Day, but in Japan, March 14 is White Day, and it is the analogue of V-Day for men. Men give women dark chocolate on Feb. 14 and women give men white chocolate on March 14.
The last time I was single on V-Day was in 1997, and it actually makes me feel like a big jerk most years – all my single friends/coworkers moaning about being single, and me standing around uncomfortably silent. I’ve done the big-fancy-restaurant dinner thing before and just found it awkward, expensive, and disappointing; most years we cook at home or get take-out. This year we’re actually going to an underground restaurant for a wild/foraged meal, which I’m super-excited about – but it’s the kind of thing I’d love to do regardless of the day.
As for gifts, pfffft – we don’t even do gifts for birthdays/anniversaries. We’re lazy like that. Also, I don’t like diamonds or flowers, and I’m very particular about my chocolate.
We have a tradition where I go and get the husband a pair of the cheapest, tackiest boxer shorts I can find. The uglier the better.
That’s about it.
Oh, and we have a lot of sex. But we do that anyway.
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Oh God, Steak and a Blowjob Day. Oh, God.