"Picture Perfect" Chris Brown. Via sunrise.seven @Flickr.
Do you want to weasel your way out of responsibility for your actions? Do you need to maintain your lucrative endorsement deals? Do you deserve a break, ’cause it’s really hard to not beat up a bitch who deserved it? It’s easy, my brothers-in-arms. Just follow these four simple rules:
1. Admit Nothing. For the love of mike, never say “I hit my girlfriend” or “I have problem with violence.” You’re apologizing for the scandal, brah. So, with that in mind…
2. Use the passive voice. Be sorry about “what transpired.” The phrase “mistakes were made” is also handy. Avoid words like ”bloody,” “battered,” and “bruised,” too. No one wants to think about some girl’s fucked-up face. They do want to think that your behavior is an aberration, though, so…
3. Retreat behind Jeezus. If I’ve learned nothing else from disgraced ministers and embattled politicians, I know that invoking religion (feel free to substitute the holy figure of your choice, as long as you’re not Muslim) will Show That You Care. Finally…
4. Paint yourself as the victim. Talk about your feelings, and note how “saddened” you are. Ask that others respect your/your family’s/your legal team’s privacy during this trying time.
It’s that easy, y’all! If that doesn’t buy you a couple weeks of face-saving, dude, then let me suggest that you lay low for a couple of months, then write a couple of slammin’ tracks about how the haterz who are doggin’ you will live to see your reputation vindicated. Your gall in releasing them will all but guarantee multi-platinum sales. I’m telling you, man, you can’t lose.
Peace out.
Ooh, can I try?
1. I regret the fact that this issue is a big story, when we should all be focusing on things like saving narwhals.
2. I was saddened by what came to be and I am dismayed by what people are saying.
3. I am, as always, looking to the spiritual guidance of Obi-Wan Kenobi to help embiggen myself as a human life form.
4. I am so troubled by this that I chugged four bottles of Dos Equis beers and woke up in a yellowish puddle of vomit. My poor mother, who has two dislocated hips, had to revive me. She then had to scrub the vomit and pay my defense attorney with sexual favors. Won’t somebody think of my poor mother?
Adorably, the fauxpology is not just a celebrity staple, I used to hear it all the time! I like when it’s coupled with “What do you want me to say?” Because yes, when I am upset, what I want is for you to start spouting out my self-written dialogue.
This is amazing. This is how you use humor to talk about these things. Well done.
Brava. You’re dead on about the use of the passive voice. It’s very rare in the English language but it’s almost always a sure sign of guilt and disclaiming responsibility. “Mistakes were made” is such bullshit, as though The Mistake Fairy showed up and waved her magic wand. Kobe Bryant tried some shit like that when he had to not-admit that he not-raped that woman a few years back.
You forgot step 0!
0. Say nothing for days while every one in your “camp” (wtf is this, boy scouts? why don’t they just say friends / employees?) spreads rumors anonymously to papers and gossip blogs that paint your girlfriend as violent, erratic, slutty, diseased, mouthy … y’know, *deserving* of a beating.
Continue to steps 1-4.
I was actually shocked his lawyers even let him say as much as he said. I think it indicates a plea bargain is in the making.
Ah, yvanehtnioj, how foolish of Chris to forget the pre-emptive, character-damaging whisper campaign! I’m sure he is very sorry if anyone got her feelings hurt about such an unfortunate omission, and will talk to his pastor about it posthaste. Please keep him in your thoughts. Although really, what can he say? WHAT DO YOU WANT HIM TO SAY??? (Bless you, Khrushchev.)
And sarah.of.a demonstrated her mastery of the form–with some stylish fillips and a red herring (red narwhal?), even–right off the bat. Truly, a diligent student.
@yvanehtnioj and PhDork: I was watching something on E! over the weekend and Chris Brown’s (former? wife-beating) father had issued a statement, something to the effect of “everyone makes mistakes, let’s not rush to judgment, blah blah blah.”
Ahem. Um…okay.
Dear Chris Brown the Old,
This means, like, negative nothing coming from you. Yeah, I just had to make up a new, grammatically-incorrect figure of speech for that. Next time, just say “No comment.” Kthnxbai.
Best,
robot ninja spy
P.S.- No really. STFU
Hi Chris, it’s your old pal Michael Richards. Remember me?
No?
Thank God for that. Anyway, I just wanted to offer you my support during this difficult time, and I also wanted you to know that there’s a different way than following steps 1-4: you can get your famous friends to go on a late night talk show and vouch for you. Here, watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3l-gRHjUNk
Chris, I realize that you’re a young man, and you might not have as much on-camera charisma and eloquence as I do. But if you can pull it off, it can save your career, just like it has for me.
Your pal, Michael
PS: You don’t need a driver, do you? Or a gardener? Anything? Come on, I can’t get any work, for God’s sake PLEASE HIRE ME I SAID I WAS SORRY DON’T LET THEM TAKE MY HOUSE OH GOD OH GOD
[...] Geisler, president of the martial arts center LA Boxing. He was apparently as unpersuaded by Brown’s fauxpology as my harpy sister PhDork. The page says: “In light of recent reports regarding Chris [...]
[...] A text? A TEXT? Jesus, talk about a million days late and a million dollars short. I mean, I realize at that point there was a restraining order in place, so it’s not like he could deliver the apology in person–nor should he even try. But a text? Something like: “SRY I TRD 2 KILL U?” Give me a fucking break. And don’t get me started on his “public apology.” I couldn’t possibly top what PhDork had to say about it. [...]
[...] when this story first broke, Chris did a guest post for us. You might want to read it again. You’ll find at least when it comes to fauxpologizing, he’s a man of his [...]
[...] actions, or offer some shitty half-apology that just digs them into an even deeper hole—yeah, Chris Brown, I’m talking to you—so it makes me happy to see that some people know how to offer an [...]