I really love this comic from Principia Comica. (click on image to enlarge)
Why do people use the word “rape” to describe annoyances or hardships that don’t come close to being like rape? I bet much of the appeal, for such people, is the shock value of using a word for sexual assault to describe something that has nothing to do with sexual assault.
Implying that failing a test or getting killed in a video game is as traumatizing and horrible as rape trivializes rape. I have never been raped, but I have a strong reaction to the misuse of the word (usually by men). Maybe it’s because rape is a crime committed primarily against women. “Killed” and “murdered” don’t rub me the wrong way; I think it’s because both men and women are killed on a regular basis, by people of both sexes. Our culture does not apologize for murder, deny that it occurs, and immediately blame the victims for what happened to them. And murder goes unpunished far less often than rape.
Maybe it’s because of the unapologetic, brash tone people tend to take when they misuse it. When people throw the word around casually, I feel as though they are dismissing rape and failing to put themselves in others’ shoes. As the comic illustrates, people who’d use the word “rape” in that context have a massive blind spot when it comes to a threat women live with their whole lives.
People can be so clueless; but they also show a real disregard for others’ feelings and comfort (that, or they delight in it). Does anyone have good strategies for confronting people who use triggering or otherwise offensive language in their presence?
I wish I had a good strategy. Usually I don’t say anything, because the kind of people using such language aren’t the type that I really want to share my rape story with.
I think you have to do the deadpan, ultra-polite “plz to explayn” thing. “What? I thought ‘rape’ meant being forcibly restrained and sexually penetrated against your will. How is that like paying your taxes?” Or something along those lines…
Thankfully I have never personally experienced anyone saying something like that. And it’s not a 1:1 comparison, but whenever ANYONE uses “gay” as a derogative (i.e. “that movie was so gay!”) I give them a very hard stare and ask them why the fuck they find it funny/appropriate. It’s worth the awkwardness.
I am in total agreement, Sarah. As a university student I hear guys say this all the time (usually about exams). I usually go with, “Please don’t use the word rape in that way. It trivializes real rape.” I usually refuse to get in some long-winded discussion about it. If some guy says, “Oh, you’re just being sensitive,” I say, “No, you’re being horribly insensitive, and I’m not going to argue about it with you. You shouldn’t use the word rape in that context.” I think being firm and clear goes a long way.
I love to talk about sexist language and feminism and all that, but I get tired of being the Token Feminist responsible for educating all the privileged white guys in the room. Anyone else?
About a year after I was raped, I went out to dinner with a group of friends. All these girls were aware of the rape, and they had supported me throughout. We were talking about something, and one friend joked that finals had totally raped her. As soon as the words left her mouth, she gasped and started to apologize.
If she hadn’t said anything, I wouldn’t have noticed.
I’m torn. On the one hand, I see your argument and agree that when people say they were raped by exams or work, it trivializes a very real crime. At the same time, when my friend’s make an insensitive joke, I likely won’t really hear it. I think, even if it weren’t a friend, I would not say anything for fear of needing to justify myself.
Great entry. I have to think on this.
I agree with sarah.of.a.lesser.god and PhDork–I often just give them the Eye of Death and say “o rly? What exactly do you mean?”
It’s EXTREMELY effective with my teenage brothers. For example:
Dumbass brother: “Jenny’s being a total whore.”
Me: “O rly? You mean she’s actually asking men to pay her for sex?”
Dumbass brother: “Uh, no, but she’s fucking my best friend.”
Me: “Aren’t you fucking your girlfriend?”
Dumbass brother: (shifts uncomfortably) “uh…..”
Me: “Because if she’s fucking and she’s a whore, does that make you a whore too?”
One of my three brothers is still referred to in jest by the others as “a he-ho” because of this conversation.
Dancingteacups, you are most definitely NOT alone in being tired of it!
Leigh, I don’t think it matters if a rape victim hears the “joke.” I am not a rape victim; I still find the appropriation of the word “rape” horribly offensive. Even if no rape survivor is ever triggered or offended by language like that, it’s very existance serves to perpetuate rape culture, IMO. The people who hear it and laugh at it and repeat it are helping to further normalize rape.
All the “small things” in our daily lives that diminish rape, deny it, apologize for it, laugh at it, etc.: they protect rapists and hurt women.
Oh, and Leigh, I hope my comment is not read as hostile or anything! That is not my intent at all and I’m not directing my anger at you.
It’s kind of like the tree falling in the woods question. A rape victim may not be around to hear the rape joke, but the rape joke contributes to rape culture nonetheless.
@Becky–I’ve had an identical conversation with my teenage brother about the word “whore.” 16-year-olds love that sort of thing.
@Khrushchev – I’ve even had to have the “sensitivity training” talks with my teenager brother about “bitch” and “hag”. With him it helps to point out that he can be annoyed and express his frustration with people without using double-standard/gender-specific insults.
@SarahMC – thanks so much for this post. I work with some “good ol’ boy” types who have apparently never liked, respected, or even met a woman in their lives, if I were to judge from the tone of their humor.
With people my age, I always either say something or let the conversation fall into a dead spot until the subject gets changed. But it’s hard with people older and more senior, who I only see in group meeting settings.
mkp: It is harder with people who are older, or who have rank on you. It’s easy for me to call out garbage with my peers, or my students, but if I heard a department chair, or a dean? Eeep. (Thankfully, I haven’t, personally, but I’ve heard stories from others…) Further proof–as if we needed it–that sexism is about who has the power to do what to whom.
@PhDork – the worse part is that the head boss and 6/8 department heads are all WOMEN, but the middle level of management has more men than women, and the underlings are almost all women too. *sigh*
I’m torn on the matter, too. I hate to admit it, but I’ve been known to say, “That test raped me” on a fairly regular basis. It wasn’t until my friend sat me down and explained that she was a camp counselor for girls who were victims of sexual abuse that I began to realize that it was an issue.
I’d like to find a better term to substitute, however. Anyone have any suggestions?
vegkitty: I find that a simple “My soul hurts” is often quite effective after a test.
Sarah, I agree that someone someone doesn’t have to be offended for a statement to reinforce rape culture. I think it’s worse when it’s a group of guys and noone says anything, though lots of women also blame and disbelieve rape victims.
And I also get frustrated being the bonerkiller. I don’t let anyone call an undershirt a “wifebeater”
I’ve always had major qualms with people using the words, ‘retarded’, ‘gay’, or ‘paranoid’ in the improper and offensive context. I’ve never hindered from telling the perpetrators just how I feel about it. But this new rape-synonym-for-bad phenomenon is the straw that broke the camels back. Have people no decency?
Everybody’s trying to push the boundaries and the sensible people who don’t are labeled as ‘prudes’.
“I’d like to find a better term to substitute, however. Anyone have any suggestions?”
Yeah, I do. Pull out your thesaurus and look up the word, ‘bad’.