The horror! Via phush365 @ Flickr.I fucking hate pantyhose.
I fucking hate pantyhose.
Doesn’t everyone? Constricting, itchy, tortuously hot in summer and uncomfortable in every season, they are up there with whalebone corsets and horsehair wigs as one of the most uncomfortable, unnecessary products ever created for women. And to my great delight, they appear to be going the way of the wig and corset.
I came of age in the last days of pantyhose, the 1990s. In fact, I remember a time when I was excited about wearing them; pantyhose were for grown-ups, and I always aspired to be a grown-up (you will never hear me reminisce fondly about how childhood is the best time of one’s life). Like bras, nylon pantyhose were a mark of womanhood, and at first I embraced them with the eagerness of a convert.
Then I discovered that pantyhose suck (not unlike bras, actually). I hate any kind of constricting clothing, so the clingy, binding, control-top on most brands made me want to run around in circles and howl like a dog. I felt like I was constantly wrestling myself in and out of them, even just to pee. Even without the misery of the control top, they were difficult to take on and off without tearing, and unlike panties or bras, they tended to self-destruct after only one or two wearings. I always carried clear nail polish in my purse, along with a spare pair for when the nail polish failed to prevent a run from zipping up my leg (and don’t you know, they always run right up the most conspicuous part of your leg, leaving you looking like a hooker staggering home after a long night on the corner). I could never figure out the appeal of pantyhose—maybe because they kept shoes from chafing? Or because the nude—or worse, the dreaded “suntan”—shade hid any spider veins or razor stubble? I know there’s a small minority of people who find them sexy, even erotic–sometime when you’re not at work, do a Google search for “pantyhose fetish”–but for me they were far too uncomfortable to be a turn-on. I just plain loathed the things.
Unfortunately, I had no choice but to wear them. My summer jobs were always in Washington, D.C., a notoriously dowdy city where pantyhose were mandatory for the office, or when going out to dinner. Unfortunately, the only thing worse than the dowdy dress code is Washington’s oppressive humidity, and the combination of the two was sheer hell. There were days when I almost wept with relief when I got home and could finally peel off my hose. I tried desperately to find an alternative. Thigh-highs meant no tight, sweaty control-top, but the rubberized elastic that kept them latched to my thighs either left painful red pressure weals or didn’t work very well, in which case I was constantly fighting to hitch them up while they made a dash for my ankles. Garter belts were somewhat better, but tended to create telltale NSFW lines under the sleek pencil skirts that were in fashion at the time. There really wasn’t a better option. I was stuck.
But then something wondrous happened: I moved to New York. It was 1996, and in Manhattan, pantyhose were falling out of favor. Women went bare-legged in the summer! Hallelujah! I had to ditch a lot of my D.C. wardrobe—it was hopelessly unfashionable by New York standards—but I was fine with that if it meant I could also get rid of those fucking horrible pantyhose. I have not worn a pair since. Tights definitely, especially in the winter, and fishnets or patterned hose occasionally, when fashionable. But clingy, snaggy nude nylons? Never again. I have been delighted to bid them an unfond farewell.
Dear lord Washington is the sixth circle of hell, isn’t it? I also worked somewhere in Houston that required pantyhose. TORTURE.
Jesus, Becky, now we’re going to get hits from Google searchers for pantyhose fetishes.
I fucking HATE pantyhose. We had to wear them for choir in high school, and on one memorable occasion I had borrowed a pair from my mother that kept slipping down. To make it even more fun, the control top wasn’t the nude control top of most pantyhose – no, that wouldn’t be nearly embarrassing enough. It was cream, and as the pantyhose edged downwards, everybody could see.
The last time I wore them was for my last round of job interviews, about a year and a half ago. I have one pair that I wear for such scenarios and are never touched otherwise.
I haven’t worn pantyhose in years. I just refuse. Luckily it’s not required for the office (or maybe I just don’t give a fuck).
I did buy a pair of thigh-highs a few months ago, to wear on certain occassions with skirts. Let’s just say SarahMC in thigh-highs looks nothing like the lady on the package.
After wearing them for a day my inner thighs had brush burn from the two bands rubbing against my chub when I walked.
I am so glad that nobody bitches about the fact that I refuse to wear pantyhose. Except my mother, but she bitches about everything. 95% of my work outfits are skirts and dresses, and I think I would switch to a caftan if I was required to wear pantyhose.
I wear bright blue tights that one ex-boyfriend called my “superwoman” tights to work all the time.
Maybe this is why the people in my office are convinced I’m “bohemian.”
@Pilgrim: Too late! I’m already here!
oh god Sarah I thought it would be a really fun, sexy idea to buy thigh highs with a garter belt, ignoring of course that the clasps hit exactly in the cushiest part of my thighs. I swear to god I had imprints of the buckles for DAYS. DAYS.
@Pilgrim Soul: So I shouldn’t write a post on jewelry and that wonderful pearl necklace I received as a gift?
they allow primary colors in your workplace, P.Soul? Are you sure that’s in the handbook?
@JD: I have to exercise my agency where I can.
ah I sense a language barrier – what is the difference between tights and pantyhose? I await the answer with mild curiousity.
Emilyanne, tights are thick and warm and come in all kinds of colors and textures, whereas pantyhose are rayon or silk (?), thin, and supposedly “flesh colored.” Shudder.
ah. In that case I have never worn pantyhose. We just called everything tights. Oh or in my mum ‘s day nylons which may indeed be the dreaded pantyhose of which you speak. That said I suffer in New York in the summer having pale English legs and refusing to use fake tan stuff as I distrust it. People stare at me when I go without tights, I fear I do not meet Manhattan grooming standards.
nylons, yes.
I love tights (thick, people are supposed to notice them), but pantyhose are just annoying. And they don’t come pale enough to match my colour.
@JD: It is also worth noticing that it took a very long time for pantyhose manufacturers to introduce products that came in other shades than “white people’s skin color.”
@sarah.of.a.lesser: Noticing? I meant noting. Sleep deprivation-influenced comments FTW.
This is PERFECT! Best blog I’ve read in so long.
Pantyhose suck. I can’t think of any good use for them beyond covering the faces of bank robbers.
I hate tights and pantyhose because of the swamp crotch, but I really like thigh highs with the plasticy stay-up stuff. I don’t mind tight clothing, and when it’s cold out they’re nice but not overly restricting.
Granted, I’ve never HAD to wear them, so I like having those as an option when I do wear skirts.
Hose/tights have never bothered me, but I don’t wear them much. Amanda Marcotte wrote a bit on her hated of pantyhose in this post, which starts out talking about something similar to my recent post on Pepsi Max (for doods!), but then segues into her own rant for the last 2-3 paragraphs, where she points out that hose are meant to make you your legs seem naked, but not be naked, because if they were actually naked, HORROR! at your exposed flesh, you wanton hussy, etc. Fetishizing “nudity” while prohibiting nudity. In other words: same patriarchal bullshit, different day.
I do not even own any pantyhose. And I find tights almost as uncomfy but I have 2 pairs for warmth’s sake. The binding feeling around the waist drives me to the point of insanity, and I end up constantly tugging at them just to breathe. If I worked somewhere pantyhose were required with skirts, I think I would only wear pants.
Thank Goddess I have always worked in the Creative Department-I don’t think I’ve worn pantyhose since…I literally can’t remember. Maybe when my Grandma died in 1990? And my Mom made me? And I probably wore a slip with it, so your damn dress won’t stick to the frickin pantyhose??
I love bras, though. Although I feel like a fraud sometimes, like false advertising. I’ve got a big chest, but it is only pretty and perky cuz of my NASA-engineered Lilyette Minimizer Bra. I feel like apologizing for the hype every time I take it off for a dood.
I wear lots of tights. Including the thin, flesh-colored ones. It’s because I hate wearing shoes without socks (also going barefoot, basically I just hate not wearing socks) and tights/pantyhose are like substitute socks, since they’re fabric over your foot. If it weren’t for them I would hardly ever wear skirts, like only when it’s so hot that I couldn’t bear to have something on my legs.
That said, it is really creepy for a workplace to require pantyhose as “fake nudity,” you know, because a woman would have to be a brazen temptress to expose her actual calves in a skirt, but if she covered up her legs, she would be failing to fulfill her function of being sexually attractive at all times.
I call them torture chambers for legs. Thank you for this.
[...] RIP Pantyhose: A Rant – Hah, I love hose (or rather, opaque tights), but I’ve been fortunate enough never to be in a situation where wearing them daily was mandatory. Also, frak that control top crap. If there were a brand called Let It All Hang Out (And Cover It In Bright Blue), I would wear it.Also, I like long, full skirts.The real oppressor is not pantyhose, IMO, but the fashion requirements for a) a certain body shape, and b) clothing too tight to allow concealment of nonconforming bodies. [...]
As a trans woman, one would possibly think I would stereotypically love pantyhose. Nope. I wore them a few times, and I have a few pairs just in case, but good lord they suck. Uncomfortable and unnecessarily difficult to pee with, they are, along with stiletto heels of anything over 3″ and makeup, torture devices invented by men to make life for women as difficult as possible. I own some makeup but I can’t think of a single instance in the past year-and-a-half when I have worn any. Perhaps because of my self-imposed singleness. Ah well. Yep, pantyhose suck.
None of the above in my current fluffier phase. Dress slacks only, please. However, in earlier times, I loved sheer black hose and what they did for my legs. Even in those halcyon times, my legs were blindingly pasty. I hesitate to show the older version of paste given the current rounds of judgment. No, self tanner is not a better option than *good* hose when the said chemicals can turn one’s leg to the color of a neglected carrot in the bottom drawer of the fridge.
Nude hose were never an option that some considered – ivory was skin tone, and sheerest black coordinated with the outfit. Garter belts ruled under certain outfits. Damn, I miss that in my damn socks.
I wore black hose to court today (because this judge is always, well, judging people on their appearance and I wanted to look “professional”). Laddered before I got out of the subway. WTF are they made of, hope? I can never wear a pair twice.
So I hate them for all the reasons articulated above, but also because without pantyhose, I would not have put in an appearance at the courthouse today with ashy, unshaven legs. Damnit!
I haven’t been able to convince myself yet that my pale, veiny legs are acceptable for public viewing, therefore I love pantyhose so I can wear skirts to the office. But, they don’t last long, so I stick with pants most of the time.
Pantyhose for women of color are a joke. In fact, you look weirder and like you may have a skin disease if you were hose.
Hose that are say, black or white, are also not a good choice for women of color.
I have tons of fishnets, of varying colors, that look great. I also have tons of black tights, of varying textures, to wear in the winter.
Otherwise, it’s bare legs.
[...] love of the Christmas season) is my opportunity to wear black opaque tights. Like BeckySharper, I hate pantyhose. Give me tights any day, because then people tend to get the fuck off my back about not keeping my [...]
Working in Los Angeles FTW!!!! Seriously, no one really gives a crap about what you wear to work ’round these parts!
I did discover the glories of garter belt + backseamed-cuban heeled-no elastic-thigh highs, however–tres sexy, and no sausage squishing.
(www.sockdreams.com)
If I wear hose at all, it’s sheer black or fishnet for me.
None of my girlfriends wear pantyhose anymore unless they absolutely have to. Thank goodness women stood up and refused to wear the damn things. They can come in handy when it is cold out but even then you have to come in side.
Thigh highs are sexy but again the garter belt shows through a skirt or dress. Stay up do require the constant pulling them up and that is totally annoying.
[...] Tan, well, you’re free to choose your choice, just like you can choose to wear high heels or pantyhose. But I’m calling bullshit on this trend the way I did on [...]