Comments on: On Feminist Ambition (Or Lack Thereof)

By: Spark

Spark — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 20:48:17 +0000

This hits home. I always expected to take up a certain amount of space in the world (another special prodigy snowflake child)–to work hard and accomplish great things. I graduated from college and lost all direction, and several years later I’m still in the job that was supposed to be temporary while I figured out what to do with my life. My feminism only amplifies my feelings. It seems like all my girlfriends are in doctorate programs while I got married and settled down. I was supposed to be the take-no-prisoners achiever, and instead I’m a wife. I feel very lucky to have figured out this part of my life, but I feel bad, even embarrassed, that all I’ve accomplished is marriage–and terrified that’s all I will accomplish.

By: DangerMouse

DangerMouse — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 15:02:48 +0000

So, um, what I forgot to mention is that I appear to be trying to take up as little space as possible, which is probably not the best idea ever.

By: DangerMouse

DangerMouse — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 15:02:00 +0000

“this may sound really backward, but i always felt that my life would be better if i either had a burgeoning and blossoming career that i was passionate about or i was married with children, but what do you do when you have neither? what do you do when your dreams don’t come true?”

I have this problem that I never really thought through what my dreams were. I decided in high school that I wanted to be a psych professor… and I will eventually be a professor of something, probably. That’s a little vague for someone who is finishing her PhD in the next 6 months though. (Don’t worry kids, postdoc is coming.) I have always wanted kids, never envisioned exactly what I wanted in a husband, and still can’t decide if I want to be one of those “famous” (amongst our field) profs or just chill and be passable. Being completely shattered by my former advisor really screwed that decision up for me… mostly, I want to hide for the rest of my life and get paid to work in some musty basement office of an academic building in peace. (Destroyed self-confidence FTW!)

By: romastrega

romastrega — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 23:57:43 +0000

Wonderful discussion all – especially PS’s starting essay.
I’m very much in Unpossible’s frame of mind. When I was younger I was good at everything but never felt GREAT at one thing and that has led me to drift along for my 20s and early 30s. And now I feel as I OUGHT to be doing more, something for the greater good, but I can’t figure out what that means to me and how to go about it.

By: Kari

Kari — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 21:48:36 +0000

This discussion is really striking me. I think there are all kinds of factors contributing to or modifying my current state of ambitionlessness. I’m a woman, and the women in my life have tended to be more ambitious and accomplished than the men. The effect on myself is to make me feel… I don’t know, like a bad sister for being so unambitious.

I’m staring my 29th birthday in the face, and in the first year of what will be my 4th university degree. My debt is growing slowly but steadily. The happiest I’ve ever been was a few years ago when I worked in a really fantastic little coffee shop as a baker and barista. If I could get by on what that paid, I would gladly do it.

My female acquaintance includes published novelists, successful small business owners, corporate ladder-climbers, and university professors. I think I’ve gotten to a point where I recognize that there are downsides to my life (in terms of money and prestige) and downsides to the lives of the ambitious women I know (they have less free time, often less license to be creative in their work).

At this point in my life, in this economy, I want to be independently financially secure. That’s the height and depth of my ambitions. I’m aware that, to a certain extent, worrying that I’m not ambitious enough is a bit of a luxury. I don’t know if it’s a luxury I’ll be able to afford in the future.

By: Pilgrim Soul

Pilgrim Soul — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 21:36:03 +0000

Thanks Plum-Pie, I’ll look for it, always looking for new material for Fem Food for Thought.

By: Plum-Pie

Plum-Pie — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 21:29:18 +0000

The thing I really took away from ‘Women Don’t Ask’ by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever* (which I strongly recommend, if only for debunking ‘mummy track’ salary myths) is that you’re doing the world as well yourself a disservice by not going after the things you really want. The person who decides e.g. if you’re suitable for an interview is the person reading your application, not you. If you apply for a job and don’t get an interview, you haven’t lost anything.

At the age of (almost) 29, I just about feel I now understand what I’m good at and what I should be aiming for, at least in the short-term. (‘Where would you like to be in 5 years time?’ is a bullshit question for most people with the exception of doctors, lawyers etc.) I think the biggest difference has been learning (because I’ve been trying for at least 5 years!) to ditch ‘all or nothing’ thinking and the unrealistic expectations, fear-induced apathy/procrastination and self-flagellation (sp?) that (for me) come with it. I think this might come under ‘relaxing’ and ‘not being too hard on myself’ which my sister had to say to me all the time for several years.

Today a Jezebel described herself as ‘not very clever’ on the ‘nerd vs. geek’ thread. She’s previously posted that she’s currently writing a PhD. It breaks my heart when women don’t value their skills and talents because God knows unless your best friend is hiring, no one else is going to.

*They’ve just published another book called ‘Ask for it’, also about negotiation for women. http://www.askforit.org

By: Unpossible

Unpossible — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 21:23:33 +0000

I empathize completely, although I kind of came to where I am from the other direction. I, kind of like sarah.of.a, was brought up to think I could do great things, be anything I wanted to be, etc. Which I just kind of assumed would fall into my lap with no effort on my part whatsoever. In fact, it took until my last semester of undergrad to realize that not only did I have no idea what I wanted to do upon graduation, I hadn’t even thought about it. Once I noticed that, it made me realize that I don’t have the ambition to be Great, not really. I just want to have a good life and contribute to society. The problem now is that I still have not a clue about what I want to do with my life…

By: Kivrin

Kivrin — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 21:23:03 +0000

I’m currently trying to decide whether or not to pursue a Ph.D. in a field I love (clinical psych). Part of me feels the expectations of the whole “special snowflake/prodigy” syndrome that Sarah mentioned. Another big part of me likes my easy, well-paid (if somewhat uninspiring) job and thinks I should just stick with it. Who cares if I get an advanced degree as long as I’m happy? (Except that, deep down, I care. But do I really care, or was I just taught to care because of all the smart-kid expectations I’ve been internalizing for 25 years?!) And now I should consider the fact that staying away from Ph.D.-land could mean that I’m not taking up the space that was given to me in this world.

‘Tis a dilemma, that’s for sure.

By: Endora

Endora — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 20:12:51 +0000

@Pilgrim Soul: I see what you mean, I think it is, generally, slightly more difficult for girls, but as LippyMcSidewalk pointed out, I think there are sooo many other factors that fit into this question: the overall economic and political situation, as I mentioned, how successful your parents were, what your acquaintances from school and university are doing, etc.