Ur doin it rite! Via ElvisHuang @ Flickr.
Dear Gentlemen:
It has come to our attention that many of you, in an attempt to be all sensitive and egalitarian and fully share in the joy of impending parenthood, have started to refer to said joy by using the phrase “we’re pregnant.” Commenter AuntieEm brought this up in a post yesterday and coincidentally, SarahMC and I had been ranting privately about it. So let’s address the issue, shall we?
While we here at Harpyness are all about equality of the sexes, and sharing the responsibilities of parenthood, the sad truth is, biology prevents you from 50-50 equity when it comes to carrying your child. This is a damn shame, as we think it would be splendid if you could take on half of the heartburn, morning sickness, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, swollen ankles, and aching joints of pregnancy (to say nothing of the excruciating labor pains, cracked nipples and work-life balance issues that come afterwards). But you can’t. Biology sucks sometimes. Therefore, as sole possessors of the uteri, we are the only ones who can be pregnant, and we want, nay, deserve, full credit for it!
This is not to say that we’re not super-grateful for your love and support and indulgence and foot-rubs during our pregnancies. We love you too. But we think it’s odd that you are acting like our reproductive systems are suddenly part of your own anatomy. We don’t recall you ever saying “we’re having our period” or “we have to get a pelvic exam.” Just because your zygotes created 50% of the child inside the uterus doesn’t make it your uterus too.
So knock it off with the “we’re pregnant.” You are not. Please replace the offending phrase with something more accurate, for example: “We’re having a baby” or “My wife’s pregnant and we’re delighted” or, if you want to be all 1950s, “We’re expecting.” K? Thx.
Smooches,
The Harpies, on behalf of womanity
PS: Additionally, if your partner underwent the hell of IVF, with its rage- and depression-inducing hormones, frequent injections with huge horse needles and “egg retrieval” procedures so invasive they require general anesthesia, while you merely wanked into a cup, we strongly caution you never to say the offending phrase. She may still have a few leftover needles and may, understandably, feel a bit stabby to hear you take credit. You’ve been warned.
Hear, Hear!
I would also like to add to the peeve: fathers who believe that having a masculine child is somehow the result of their own super-virility, or implying that my husband is some kind of stud for bestowing his precious Y-chromosome on our unborn child.
One of my dear friends was pregnant a few years ago, and when I went to visit her, her boyfriend got this goofy grin on his face, pointed to her stomach and said “I did that!”
He got all pissy when we(my pregnant friend and I) both were not impressed and were in fact annoyed by his statement.
Actually, I like it when men say “we’re pregnant.” I think that a lot of men nowadays (and in the past) don’t take responsibility for their children, and in acknowledging their part in the pregnancy, it shows a sense of gratitude and responsibility. It’s takes two to tango, as the saying goes.
I don’t know, I think I’m with vegkitty here. I’m rather glad they’re saying stuff like that, since the other common reaction is them completely withdrawing from the entire process after “wanking” off into their partner.
And isn’t their contribution a gamete, rather than a zygote?
The dude in Dori’s comment was an ass, though.
I hate the we’re pregnant line because I don’t think it acknowledges how difficult pregnancy can be on women. There is no we in pregnancy. Only one person is physically undergoing the change. The unhusband knew better than to even try it with me when I pregnant with out boys.
“We’re pregnant” is more than “taking responsibility” for their contribution. It’s co-opting the process of pregnancy, of which their bodies are NOT a part. It’s very “magical sperm,” IMO. Sorry, but the woman and the woman alone should get credit for gestating a new life, and “we’re pregnant” comes off like taking credit for another person’s work if you ask me. “We’re expecting” shows JUST as much responsibility and it’s more accurate.
Never having carried a pregnancy to term, I’m aware that I’m an outsider in this debate, but… in my experience, the phrase “We’re pregnant!” coming from a dad-to-be can be a good or bad thing depending on the context. For some men, it’s a way to express their excitement, their enthusiasm for their new role, their willingness to support the mom-to-be in any way they can. For others, yes, it can be a way to co-opt the physical and mental experience of being pregnant, and divert attention to themselves. I wouldn’t condemn a man for uttering the phrase until I knew more about where it was coming from, and what the pregnant woman in question thought about it.
I would punch Mr. Blondegrlz if he ever said “we” were pregnant, but luckily I chose to reproduce with someone who knows better than that. The number of ways in which I am suffering and HE is not are endless – especially the hemorrhoids and aching joints. While pregnancy does mean he has to tie my shoes and fetch me Tums, he will not be pushing anything out of his vagina in the next month and thus IS NOT pregnant. I think “We’re having a baby” is the best, followed by “My wife is pregnant!”
I’m on the fence about how I feel about men saying “We’re pregnant”. Many men mean that they’re sharing the burden, She can’t eat sushi? Me neither! She can’t drink alcohol for a long time? Me neither! She’s nauseous all the time? I’m taking ipecac to know her pain!
well…maybe not the last one.
I’m sure they don’t mean to divert attention to themselves, I’m sure many men mean it with the best intentions. That doesn’t stop it from being annoying though.
Excellent comment, 100% agreement.
Men try to hog every damn thing.
May I please add to this post another peeve? When people (often dads) say in a derogatory tone that the baby just likes mom “for the boobs” or that “it’s all about the boobs.” It’s NOT all about the boobs, thank you. Yes, in early childhood development theory, babies form a separate attachment to the breast, in addition to mother and father, and mother is associated with the breast. But saying that it’s all about the boob implies that the mother has no other attachment and loving skills to which the baby would also be attached. I find it offensive. Though not as offensive as “we’re pregnant,” which even in well-meaning men, both hubby and I find creepy.
Elibard, it’s way offensive, and just sounds like another way to devalue the massive amount of work (quite apart from nursing) that mothers do for very little ones. Either that, or boob-envy.
“we’re having a baby” is much more of an inclusive, both-parents-sharing-in-the-process statement… and as squicky as it is, “we’re trying to get pregnant” makes a little more sense because “getting pregnant” does take two people. Being pregnant, just the one. Ok, two if you count the baby.
WORD!!! Thanks for writing this Becky!!!
@PhDork – I think you hit the nail on the head. It’s totally boob envy. Or in other words, a way to make up for feeling inadequate as a father compared to society’s (and fathers’ own) expectations of the mother. Which I get. It stems from the same wanting-to-share-the-pride-and-glory-I’m-not-just-a-sperm-donor-afterthought legitimizing-wish that “we’re pregnant” comes from.
And to paraphrase AuntieEm, WORD!! You rock, Becky. Thank you for verbalizing the latent content in our dissatisfaction.
[...] 6 – Rá! Adorei. [...]
I think you ladies are reading way too much into this. I’ve never actually heard anyone say this I’ve only seen it on the internet and on tv, in the back of my head I think “she’s pregnant not you” but I’m not going to slam these men if they’re just trying to be more involved in the pregnancy.
And I think your comment about women going through IVF might shows how much you don’t know about the IVF process. Most of the time it is couples going through the trials, tribulations and possible infertility and you don’t know how much it affects their relationship. So when the IVF does prove successful I don’t think women are going to go basaltic on their partners for saying “We’re Pregnant” because of what they went through together to get there.
@PepsiCoke:
Do you mean “go ballistic?”
It is not “couples” who suffer physically during IVF. Only the woman does. The man masturbates and puts sperm in a cup. The woman goes through rounds of frequent hormone injections, takes pills that induce depression, and undergo invasive procedures under anesthesia to remove the ova. And it’s the woman who suffers an increased risk of cancer, fibroids and other complications for the rest of her life because of IVF. It’s absolutely ridiculous to suggest that the man’s experience with IVF is the same.
I’ll agree with the “we’re pregnant” part of the rant, but we can sure as hell take care of our share of the work-life balance issues. Give us what credit you can spare.
If men don’t do their part there, that’s a lack of willingness, not a lack of ability.
[...] Pet Peeves: An Open Letter to “Pregnant” Dads – Additionally, if your partner underwent the hell of IVF, with its rage- and depression-inducing hormones, frequent injections with huge horse needles and “egg retrieval” procedures so invasive they require general anesthesia, while you merely wanked into a cup, we strongly caution you never to say the offending phrase. [...]
@BeckySharper: Yes, I meant ballistic. I guess I clicked the wrong word in my spell check
This is why I say you don’t understand what IVF means to many couples. You are acting like the man jerks off in a cup and goes about his own business while his wife suffers alone. Many times IVF is an emotional roller coaster for COUPLES because of infertility and other issues, they are going through this TOGETHER emotionally, and it means a lot to both of them when they finally get a positive response. Do yo think after years of trying to conceive and finally getting pregnant a wife is going to turn to her husband and say “I had to get poked with needles you didn’t, so don’t say we’re pregnant”? The emotional in these cases outweighs the physical and it seems you’re having a hard time understanding that.
I wonder how those saying “once again men are trying to take credit for women’s work” would feel with a partner in a lesbian couple saying this. Would they still find it offensive? Or do different rules apply?
[...] Pet Peeves: An Open Letter to “Pregnant” Dads “This is not to say that we’re not super-grateful for your love and support and indulgence and foot-rubs during our pregnancies. We love you too. But we think it’s odd that you are acting like our reproductive systems are suddenly part of your own anatomy. We don’t recall you ever saying “we’re having our period” or “we have to get a pelvic exam.” Just because your zygotes created 50% of the child inside the uterus doesn’t make it your uterus too. So knock it off with the “we’re pregnant.” You are not. Please replace the offending phrase with something more accurate, for example: “We’re having a baby” or “My wife’s pregnant and we’re delighted” or, if you want to be all 1950s, “We’re expecting.” K? Thx.” [...]
Thanks for so elegantly addressing one of my biggest pet peeves!