AskMen.com is known for being a haven for woman-haters who still want to fuck us. Until we get too fat, that is. Which is why they’ve created a list of the Top 10 Subtle Ways to Tell Her She’s Getting Fat for their mouth-breathing readers. Servicey!
As every man knows, there are some things you just can’t come right out and say to your girlfriend.
Because girlfriends are overly-emotional babies who fly off the handle at the slightest criticism. And they might withhold sex if you piss them off.
For obvious reasons, “You’ve put on weight, and I find you less attractive” is one of them. Even if it does have the desired effect and she goes on to drop a few pounds, she’ll never forgive you for pointing it out so bluntly and making her feel like sh*t in the process.
So make her feel like shit by subtly sabatoging her in one of the following ten ways.
My dog, you’ve got to check the graphics that accompany these horrible tips.
#10 Buy her clothes that are too small
“Oh,” you might say, “I thought you were a size 8. Isn’t that what you were last summer?” The onus is now on her to do something about it.
She will have to do something about it, muahaha! Or, she could just say “thanks for nothing, dumbass” and wonder what you’re doing buying her clothes.
#9 Sign her up for yoga under the pretense of “stress relief”
The gist of this one is to pretend you care about your lady’s mental health. The last line:
she may not realize that she’s been tricked into shedding a few pounds, and even if she does, you’ll end up with a happier, more self-confident girlfriend rather than a grumpy lard-ass.
She’ll be so happy when she realizes she’s been manipulated! Her self-confidence will be through the roof once she finds out you only feigned concern about her stress! That you think of her as a “lard-ass” will be icing on the cake (which she’s not allowed to eat).
#7 Serve her unsatisfactory portions
This one is shockingly offensive.
When dishing up meals for the two of you, try giving her smaller-than-usual amounts. By making her ask for more food, you might succeed in shaming her into an acknowledgment of her recent weight gain, and hopefully to instigate a conversation about what she’s going to do about it. If you feel as though you’re starving yourself in the process, remember you can always go back for more when she’s not looking.
Does this guy keep his girlfriend in a cage and feed her through the bars in a dog dish? All these tips assume that once a woman realizes she’s gained weight she’ll be horrified and want to remedy the situation right away. Staying the same size forever is not a woman’s responsibility in a relationship, so she won’t necessarily feel that she has to do something about gaining weight. Y’know, some women act like men; they don’t like starving either.
#5 Playfully grab her love handles
She recoils and feels embarrassment. Use this reaction to your advantage.
#3 Sabotage her chair
…nothing says “better lose some weight” like a broken chair. After you loosen a few screws or remove some important slats of a chair in which you know she’ll sit and subsequently break, sit back and watch the guaranteed dietary transformation that ensues.
“Hey, this chair is missing some important slats!” would be my reaction. This asshole’s a real piece of work, huh?
#2 Leave “now” and “then” photos lying around
More about shaming her. Blah blah manipulation blah.
#1 Take her to places where she has to wear a swimsuit
As she awkwardly looks around at all the slender bodies having a great time, she’ll more than likely vow to do something about her weight gain.
Wow. IF she’s looking around awkwardly, it could be because her knuckle-dragging boyfriend is peering through his binoculars at teenagers playing volleyball. But maybe she’d actually love a chance to go to the beach and doesn’t think fat people are forbidden from having fun. But since YOU apparently believe it’s not possible to have fun with a fat person, may you have a terrible time.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to write Top 10 Subtle and Not So Subtle Ways to Tell Thomas Foley His Dick is Too Tiny.