Dream girl. Via STANANDLOU @ Flickr.
AskMen.com is known for being a haven for woman-haters who still want to fuck us. Until we get too fat, that is. Which is why they’ve created a list of the Top 10 Subtle Ways to Tell Her She’s Getting Fat for their mouth-breathing readers. Servicey!
As every man knows, there are some things you just can’t come right out and say to your girlfriend.
Because girlfriends are overly-emotional babies who fly off the handle at the slightest criticism. And they might withhold sex if you piss them off.
For obvious reasons, “You’ve put on weight, and I find you less attractive” is one of them. Even if it does have the desired effect and she goes on to drop a few pounds, she’ll never forgive you for pointing it out so bluntly and making her feel like sh*t in the process.
So make her feel like shit by subtly sabatoging her in one of the following ten ways.
My dog, you’ve got to check the graphics that accompany these horrible tips.
#10 Buy her clothes that are too small
“Oh,” you might say, “I thought you were a size 8. Isn’t that what you were last summer?” The onus is now on her to do something about it.
She will have to do something about it, muahaha! Or, she could just say “thanks for nothing, dumbass” and wonder what you’re doing buying her clothes.
#9 Sign her up for yoga under the pretense of “stress relief”
The gist of this one is to pretend you care about your lady’s mental health. The last line:
she may not realize that she’s been tricked into shedding a few pounds, and even if she does, you’ll end up with a happier, more self-confident girlfriend rather than a grumpy lard-ass.
She’ll be so happy when she realizes she’s been manipulated! Her self-confidence will be through the roof once she finds out you only feigned concern about her stress! That you think of her as a “lard-ass” will be icing on the cake (which she’s not allowed to eat).
#7 Serve her unsatisfactory portions
This one is shockingly offensive.
When dishing up meals for the two of you, try giving her smaller-than-usual amounts. By making her ask for more food, you might succeed in shaming her into an acknowledgment of her recent weight gain, and hopefully to instigate a conversation about what she’s going to do about it. If you feel as though you’re starving yourself in the process, remember you can always go back for more when she’s not looking.
Does this guy keep his girlfriend in a cage and feed her through the bars in a dog dish? All these tips assume that once a woman realizes she’s gained weight she’ll be horrified and want to remedy the situation right away. Staying the same size forever is not a woman’s responsibility in a relationship, so she won’t necessarily feel that she has to do something about gaining weight. Y’know, some women act like men; they don’t like starving either.
#5 Playfully grab her love handles
She recoils and feels embarrassment. Use this reaction to your advantage.
NEXT!
#3 Sabotage her chair
…nothing says “better lose some weight” like a broken chair. After you loosen a few screws or remove some important slats of a chair in which you know she’ll sit and subsequently break, sit back and watch the guaranteed dietary transformation that ensues.
“Hey, this chair is missing some important slats!” would be my reaction. This asshole’s a real piece of work, huh?
#2 Leave “now” and “then” photos lying around
More about shaming her. Blah blah manipulation blah.
#1 Take her to places where she has to wear a swimsuit
As she awkwardly looks around at all the slender bodies having a great time, she’ll more than likely vow to do something about her weight gain.
Wow. IF she’s looking around awkwardly, it could be because her knuckle-dragging boyfriend is peering through his binoculars at teenagers playing volleyball. But maybe she’d actually love a chance to go to the beach and doesn’t think fat people are forbidden from having fun. But since YOU apparently believe it’s not possible to have fun with a fat person, may you have a terrible time.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to write Top 10 Subtle and Not So Subtle Ways to Tell Thomas Foley His Dick is Too Tiny.
Wow…. some people are just jerks.
Man, that website is a piece of work. I can’t help but wonder if this is satire that they ‘write’ on purpose to get gals like us all riled up.
Cue all of us extrapolating on the baiting scenario…
In other news, a coworker came up to my desk to ask me something and he could have glanced at my computer to see the window in the taskbar titled “Get A Blow Up Doll…”
Whoops.
Number 3 just made me laugh. Seriously. Sabotage her chair? And nobody should ever, ever, ever, ever get paid to write the words “lard-ass.”
“If you feel as though you’re starving yourself in the process, remember you can always go back for more when she’s not looking”
this actually made my jaw drop
I cannot believe that man has ever had a girlfriend. I bet they all make Homer Simpson look slim, anyone else getting that feeling?
I have the feeling that the writer is divorced. Just a guess.
So, in a nutshell: Lie, Shame, Cheat, and Manipulate. Got it. One ex-girlfriend, comin’ up!
SarahMC: stop trying to make my head explode!
Also #1 is ridiculous. Going to a public beach only points out how varied human beings bodies are as opposed to the homogeneous image magazines/tv/movies portray.
What if the *gasp* GUY gains weight? What should I do about my grossly lard-ass shockingly-less-attractive boyfriend, Askmen?
I bet their answer would be something along the lines of “ZOMG, bishes need to cut a man some slack! He works hard, you superficial, shallow shrew! So he gained a little weight, what, you’re so perfect? All you care about are looks, selfish woman. Get back in the kitchen and make your man some PIE!”
@Sarah- sabotaging chairs should only be done in the name of comedy, not weight loss, obviously!
I think if my fella tried any of this shit I would probably be more likely to tell him in a less subtle manner to fuck off.
Of course, the dude who wrote this is undoubtedly 6’3″, 190 lbs with a gym-buffed, rock-hard physique that would put Michael Phelps to shame.
Right, y’all?
Clues you are dating an abusive asshole: he does any or all of these 10 things.
FF’s tips: date someone with similar fitness habits to yours. I’m not a gym rat, neither is my man, it probably wouldn’t work out if he were. So, dudes at ask men, if you’re shallow, date someone shallow! If you aren’t an asshole and your partner is gaining weight, maybe you should wonder if she’s stressed out or not having time to eat right or something, not like, attempt to shame her into conforming to your weird weight standards.
I can’t believe stock footage places even carry those kinds of pictures. Headless fatties wearing child-size clothes while measuring themselves?
I’m anxiously waiting the promised sequel. I hope the tips are super subtle, like the one about removing slats from the seat of a chair. I’ll get you started:
No.10-Knit him 3 legged pants and encourage him to wear them out somewhere. When he can’t fill them out, feign innocence and say “Oh, I thought you wore some like these all last summer? No? Who me, trying to make you feel bad? Do you actually think I would be that manipulative?”
I can’t believe this list. At the least the comments seem to be mostly be calling it as it is- emotional abuse.
HanaMaru, “No? Oh, I guess that must have been my summer fling, who was hung like a horse.”
The second I saw this article I knew that the knives would (and should!) be out, ready to tear this to shreds. Well done, all of you!
@Bluebears that is sooo true, Our perception of beaches now adays is so wierd. Go back and watch JAWS again and take a look at the people on those beaches. I don’t think a movie with that kind of footage of real people would ever make it out of hollywood now.
Oh my God, Sarah, I can’t believe you left out #4. This one HORRIFIED me.
No.4 – Ask her to wear an old dress
Plan a romantic night out for the two of you and insist that she wears something from when you first got together; particularly something that you know doesn’t fit her anymore. This way she’ll have to admit to you that she’s put on too much weight and can no longer get into many of her old clothes. Follow it up by telling her how good she looked in those days, and maybe she’ll make it her mission to get back to that size.
How to be a asshole and get dumped in ten simple steps. That’s the title, right?
Sadly, I’ve known douchebags who do shit like this. A friend dated a douche that would negatively compare her to allegedly “hotter” friends of hers.
Nice, SarahMC! Veeery subtle.
“…she’ll never forgive you for pointing it out so bluntly…”
Yeah, because in this scenario, it’s the man who’s the victim. Silly me. We women are such guilt-tripping bitches, always hating on the poor well-intentioned menfolks. I’m sure they’re just worried about out health, or something.
When dishing up meals for the two of you, try giving her smaller-than-usual amounts. By making her ask for more food, you might succeed in shaming her into an acknowledgment of her recent weight gain, and hopefully to instigate a conversation about what she’s going to do about it. If you feel as though you’re starving yourself in the process, remember you can always go back for more when she’s not looking.
This shit particularly pisses me off. The MRA love to claim that men are subject to body discipline and fail to point out that it is women that must largely deal with it. Notice how he shows no concern about what over stuffing himself will lead to? His fuckablility is not an issue. He need not worry whether or not his girlfriend finds him attractive. Just fat shaming, women hating, male privilege shit.
[...] Harpies have already done a fabulous job ripping it to shreds so I won’t go over old ground, suffice to say that if I ever meet the man that wrote that [...]
I agree; that askmen list is complete bullshit. Kelsey at Bitch also blogged about it a bit ago:
http://bitchmagazine.org/post/10-ways-to-subtly-want-to-puke-all-over-askmencom
#7, are they trying to make “taming of the shrew” a reality instead of a play!? What next? “Take away her sleep until she can’t take it anymore”