A kind reader sends us this tip about a sensitive male type who really understands women and their hormones. And he wants to help defuse all that crazy hormonal shit that goes down when we women become evil banshees because it is that time of the month. You know of which time we speak: those days when we become even less reasonable than usual and our feeble souls are overtaken by premenstrual hormones. 28-year-old Jordan Eisenberg developed PMSbuddy, an online tracking system that monitors when the women in your life are about to start their periods, apparently so that you can don hardhats and kevlar vests.
This is beyond creepy. I honestly thought mother.of.a.lesser.god was the only person who went to these nefarious lengths (she still tracks her daughters’ cycles on the kitchen calendar — with big red circles, no less). But now I almost feel like hugging my mother and thanking her for not being as totally insane and controlling and belittling as Eisenberg and his product. Here are some choice gems from the PMSBuddy website, whose slogan is “Saving relationships one month at a time!”:
National Alert Levels
Currently Tracking: 23,946
PMS Starting Today: 982
PMS Starting within 5 days: 4,657
Overall Threat Index (1-4): 1
Eisenberg says he developed this — which is obviously the most important development since the polio vaccine — because he learned that women don’t appreciate being badgered about whether or not it is “that time of the month.” Wow, someone give him a medal for that insightful observation. So instead, he developed a stealth product to keep tabs on the status of your significant other’s uterine lining. How romantic! Nothing says I love you like a website that secretly tracks your hormone levels!
I’d like to help Mr. Eisenberg in his charitable endeavor. I agree with the importance of featuring a “National Alert Level,” and I am going to follow in the footsteps of Tom Ridge and propose a color-coded alert system:
Red: Hmmm, what’s this site you left open in the web browser?
Scarlet: You’ve been tracking my menstrual cycle behind my back?
Vermilion: You even downloaded this onto your iPhone?!*
Maroon: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Crimson: I’m not angry because I’m ‘on the rag’, you asshole! I’m angry because you’re keeping tabs on my period like it’s some fantasy football game!*Yes, kids! PMSBuddy is also an iPhone app!
Guys, if your overly hormonal and emotionally labile woman is still irrationally angry at you after this, just gently remind her that she is not in control of her emotions at this difficult time of the month, and you totally understand because you are a very sensitive and understanding male specimen. Maybe she can make it up to you with a blow job! Or you can try to win her cold heart and warm uterus over with this charming “PMSBuddy” thong:
It’s even made in the USA! No wonder the rest of the world hates us.
I guess I don’t understand how I would treat someone differently if I knew they had PMS. I feel like if I am irritable and teary and in pain, my partner tries to alleviate those symptoms regardless of their source, right? Not sure why I decided to take this project seriously for a moment.
I know a lot of women, and those women get their periods, and sometimes they are more prone to cry at commercials and feel angry. But honestly? I have never met anyone who has such severe PMS that anyone would need to be made aware of her cycle for the purposes of avoiding her, or whatever the fuck they suggest you do with this information. Really, is it that bad?
I get PMS, although really not bad at all, just some overall teariness that I usually keep inside. But what really pisses me off is that this is like some secret thing men do to keep their women in line. It may not be vagina dentata, but there’s still something scary DOWN THERE that makes the women get all irrational! Hide!
Some days I just want to hand in my uterus and be done with it all.
@ Pilgrim Soul: Word.
I know, I don’t know *any* women that become these ‘irrational’ angry rampage-beings before they get theirs. At. All.
It’s just another way for dumb men (the ones that signed up of course) to brush aside our emotions and trivialize a natural thing that happens to our glorious bodies. These men clearly don’t understand human biology and should be pitied.
These guys probably have the keychain that says, “I don’t trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn’t die!”
To which I say, “I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t!”
These guys are clearly not getting the sex so they have to lash out at us womminfolk.
Hahaha, my mom tracked ours with our initials in pencil. I don’t think Dad ever caught on (I don’t think Dad ever looked at the calendar). It mostly served the purpose of Mom knowing when to replenish the tampon supply.
I get a little irritable for one day where things will bother me slightly more than usual, but I keep that shit in because it’s really not that bad. This idiot needs to learn that NOT ALL WOMEN ARE THE SAME. I don’t know anyone hideworthy. Anyway, my rage-o-meter is in no way correlated with my period… mostly the patriarchy instead.
I have a feeling this is mostly used by two populations: high school boys and adult men who will never, ever get laid anyway.
Doods need to track our periods so they know when to feign horror at our non-existant axe-wielding tantrums. How else will they know when to pretend their old lady’s a bloody nutcase as a means of bonding with other doods?
Sarah that color coded period alert system is hilarious. I’m copying and pasting to email.
@JessMess: It’s also a convenient way for dudes to ignore the fact that their bodies have their own hormonal cycles! We just don’t make as big a deal out of them because they don’t have to deal with “freaky” blood!
@bluebears: Maybe I should work for the Department of Homeland Security!
@sarah: I don’t know…it would be hard to improve on the hilarity that’s already in place.
Wow. Better or worse than the mind-control drug–excuse me, psychiatric medication–marketed a few years ago expressly for “PMS sufferers”? How to choose, how to choose… No, to hell with it, let’s just set the inventors of both on fire and call it a day.
I feel obliged to point out that despite my anger, I’m not anywhere near my “special time.”
Note: I do not actually advocate setting people on fire.
@laughingrat
I also do not advocate setting people on fire.
Human flesh is damn hard to burn. Clearly I found this out during THAT TIME OF THE MONTH!
With the exception of a few horrible women I have known who used PMS as an excuse to behave badly, I have never known anyone with PMS so horrible that you’d need a tracking system or something. Nor have I much experience with men who would respond to a tearful, hurting partner with anything but normal human concern. So, I choose to believe that the kind of asshole who would create or use this website to track PMS is an asshole aberration.
Yeah, s.o.a.l.g, you out-Ridged Ridge. I salute thee! With a bright red flag, of course.
Any dude who would use this is as asshole, if not an aberration, funnyface. More bullshit that Women are erratic and scary and dangerous and in need of special handling like rabid animals or hothouse flowers, rather than just human fucking beings who don’t wanna put up with BS.
@Funnyface: THIS.
PMS has gotten to be so distorted by women, too (grammar, I know).
They *do* use it as an excuse, and I definitely don’t support that. Oh, I have a headache, oh, I’m being a bitch for no reason, but HA it’s okay, I’m PMSing…
Stabby.
@funnyface: But he’s a _helpful_ asshole – this is a public service for all the bros out there. With important tips like this:
“During PMS women can feel bloated and unattractive. Show her how you really feel with some sexy lingerie.”
Geesh. Women’s emotions are valid because we have them, hormone-influenced or not. We shouldn’t have to make excuses.
I never understood this. If someone is irritable, they’re irritable. There are lots of reasons to be irritable. I get irritable all the time, no one asks me if I’m having some kind of hormone thing.
I don’t know if guys get hormone things. I know we have hormones, though.
Whatever. The point is, a person that is in a bad mood for one reason doesn’t seem to be demonstrably different from a person who is in a bad mood for any reason.
@ShinyObjects: I’m so glad I never know how my man feels unless he gives me ill-fitting scraps of lace that are advertised on airbrushed supermodels!
@JessMess and funnyface: Every time a woman laughs off justifiable emotions as being PMS, a unicorn dies.
Also, not every woman’s cycle is superregular. So, unless you’re checking in with the “subject” frequently (which would defeat the purpose), you probably aren’t tracking anything. GIGO, as they say.
@ maisnon – That is exactly what I was thinking! Mine is super irregular – most of the time, I don’t even know when to expect my little red friend.
And usually I’m not irritable anyway – just far more affectionate than normal