A kind reader sends us this tip about a sensitive male type who really understands women and their hormones. And he wants to help defuse all that crazy hormonal shit that goes down when we women become evil banshees because it is that time of the month. You know of which time we speak: those days when we become even less reasonable than usual and our feeble souls are overtaken by premenstrual hormones. 28-year-old Jordan Eisenberg developed PMSbuddy, an online tracking system that monitors when the women in your life are about to start their periods, apparently so that you can don hardhats and kevlar vests.
This is beyond creepy. I honestly thought mother.of.a.lesser.god was the only person who went to these nefarious lengths (she still tracks her daughters’ cycles on the kitchen calendar — with big red circles, no less). But now I almost feel like hugging my mother and thanking her for not being as totally insane and controlling and belittling as Eisenberg and his product. Here are some choice gems from the PMSBuddy website, whose slogan is “Saving relationships one month at a time!”:
National Alert Levels
Currently Tracking: 23,946
PMS Starting Today: 982
PMS Starting within 5 days: 4,657
Overall Threat Index (1-4): 1
Eisenberg says he developed this — which is obviously the most important development since the polio vaccine — because he learned that women don’t appreciate being badgered about whether or not it is “that time of the month.” Wow, someone give him a medal for that insightful observation. So instead, he developed a stealth product to keep tabs on the status of your significant other’s uterine lining. How romantic! Nothing says I love you like a website that secretly tracks your hormone levels!
I’d like to help Mr. Eisenberg in his charitable endeavor. I agree with the importance of featuring a “National Alert Level,” and I am going to follow in the footsteps of Tom Ridge and propose a color-coded alert system:
Red: Hmmm, what’s this site you left open in the web browser?
Scarlet: You’ve been tracking my menstrual cycle behind my back?
Vermilion: You even downloaded this onto your iPhone?!*
Maroon: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Crimson: I’m not angry because I’m ‘on the rag’, you asshole! I’m angry because you’re keeping tabs on my period like it’s some fantasy football game!
*Yes, kids! PMSBuddy is also an iPhone app!
Guys, if your overly hormonal and emotionally labile woman is still irrationally angry at you after this, just gently remind her that she is not in control of her emotions at this difficult time of the month, and you totally understand because you are a very sensitive and understanding male specimen. Maybe she can make it up to you with a blow job! Or you can try to win her cold heart and warm uterus over with this charming “PMSBuddy” thong:
It’s even made in the USA! No wonder the rest of the world hates us.