Sometimes articles come along that just make you want to smash the laptop you’re reading it on. Cosmo’s website incites that kind of “WTF?!” rage on a regular basis. Their latest idiocy includes talking to animal behaviorists about how to give your boyfriend an internal makeover — because all women are shrews who need to bend men to their will! First of all, it’s intriguing that they say “your boyfriend” instead of “your man,” because I guess they’re assuming that if you’ve already married the guy, it’s too late to do anything. The article is actually called “How To Train Your Boyfriend” and the byline inspires epic headdeskery: “We don’t believe men are dogs, but some behavior-molding techniques used on canines and other beasts can work on a guy. You may never have to nag again.” They immediately quote an animal trainer:
“Males are card-carrying members of the animal kingdom, and they exhibit a lot of the same behaviors as many other mammals. So they’re likely to respond to some of the same training techniques.”
Beasts? Dogs? Hmm, why does nobody ever accuse Cosmo of hating men? I guess because they prefer talking about lingerie and Botox and engagement rings to seriously discussing actual gender issues that obviously hurt the poor men. That aside, let’s walk through these 6 steps so we can all know how to control men.
1. Use chimpanzee-training techniques to get him to do chores.
“When we need the chimps to perform a task, we get on their level and play with them for 5 or 10 minutes.”
Solution: Throw feces at him for 5 or 10 minutes. Then lovingly pick it out of his hair. He will now be ready to take out the trash.
2. Use dog-training techniques to get him to develop social graces.
Pretraining, a pup will sniff crotches and paw at people’s legs. The instinct is to shoo it away, but that only makes it want to sniff and paw more.
Make sure you let him sniff your crotch for extended periods of time. Then take him to a party and encourage him to hump the guests’ legs and eat food out of the trash.
3. Use horse-training techniques to prevent him from “bolting” during arguments.
Beneath the powerful stallion exterior lies a skittish animal. “That’s why they generally respond well to a calming voice and touch from trainers.”
Don’t ever, ever raise your voice to him. He can’t handle it. He is a weak little darling in a strong and powerful casing. Also, brand his ass. Cosmo recommends candle wax to make this more romantic.
4. Use cougar-training techniques to prevent him from standing his ground.
Even the most liberated guy can feel emasculated by a fearless chick. So when you’re having a sticky conversation with him, he might be unconsciously bristling at your body language.
Wait, I’m confused. I thought women were cougars, not men. This one is too tricky for me! Next!
5. Use lion-training techniques to get him off the couch.
“Trying to get a lion to do something when it’s in resting mode can be very difficult and even dangerous. That’s why we make use of the animal’s active time instead of trying to force it into doing something it doesn’t want to when it’s chilling.”
DO NOT ENGAGE IF HE IS WATCHING TRANSFORMERS OR STAR WARS OR FOOTBALL. HE WILL CUT YOU. BACK AWAY SLOWLY.
6. Use elephant-training techniques to make him be romantic.
These mammals can learn a variety of tasks but only on an incremental time line.
Expect a bouquet of roses after four years. He will give you chocolates after 12 years. He will say “I love you” on your 50th anniversary. If you want to speed this up, do a special trick wherein you spew water out of an orifice and use it to bathe him.