Cosmo wisdom: Enough said. via sleepysmile @ flickr
Sometimes articles come along that just make you want to smash the laptop you’re reading it on. Cosmo’s website incites that kind of “WTF?!” rage on a regular basis. Their latest idiocy includes talking to animal behaviorists about how to give your boyfriend an internal makeover — because all women are shrews who need to bend men to their will! First of all, it’s intriguing that they say “your boyfriend” instead of “your man,” because I guess they’re assuming that if you’ve already married the guy, it’s too late to do anything. The article is actually called “How To Train Your Boyfriend” and the byline inspires epic headdeskery: “We don’t believe men are dogs, but some behavior-molding techniques used on canines and other beasts can work on a guy. You may never have to nag again.” They immediately quote an animal trainer:
“Males are card-carrying members of the animal kingdom, and they exhibit a lot of the same behaviors as many other mammals. So they’re likely to respond to some of the same training techniques.”
Beasts? Dogs? Hmm, why does nobody ever accuse Cosmo of hating men? I guess because they prefer talking about lingerie and Botox and engagement rings to seriously discussing actual gender issues that obviously hurt the poor men. That aside, let’s walk through these 6 steps so we can all know how to control men.
1. Use chimpanzee-training techniques to get him to do chores.
“When we need the chimps to perform a task, we get on their level and play with them for 5 or 10 minutes.”
Solution: Throw feces at him for 5 or 10 minutes. Then lovingly pick it out of his hair. He will now be ready to take out the trash.
2. Use dog-training techniques to get him to develop social graces.
Pretraining, a pup will sniff crotches and paw at people’s legs. The instinct is to shoo it away, but that only makes it want to sniff and paw more.
Make sure you let him sniff your crotch for extended periods of time. Then take him to a party and encourage him to hump the guests’ legs and eat food out of the trash.
3. Use horse-training techniques to prevent him from “bolting” during arguments.
Beneath the powerful stallion exterior lies a skittish animal. “That’s why they generally respond well to a calming voice and touch from trainers.”
Don’t ever, ever raise your voice to him. He can’t handle it. He is a weak little darling in a strong and powerful casing. Also, brand his ass. Cosmo recommends candle wax to make this more romantic.
4. Use cougar-training techniques to prevent him from standing his ground.
Even the most liberated guy can feel emasculated by a fearless chick. So when you’re having a sticky conversation with him, he might be unconsciously bristling at your body language.
Wait, I’m confused. I thought women were cougars, not men. This one is too tricky for me! Next!
5. Use lion-training techniques to get him off the couch.
“Trying to get a lion to do something when it’s in resting mode can be very difficult and even dangerous. That’s why we make use of the animal’s active time instead of trying to force it into doing something it doesn’t want to when it’s chilling.”
DO NOT ENGAGE IF HE IS WATCHING TRANSFORMERS OR STAR WARS OR FOOTBALL. HE WILL CUT YOU. BACK AWAY SLOWLY.
6. Use elephant-training techniques to make him be romantic.
These mammals can learn a variety of tasks but only on an incremental time line.
Expect a bouquet of roses after four years. He will give you chocolates after 12 years. He will say “I love you” on your 50th anniversary. If you want to speed this up, do a special trick wherein you spew water out of an orifice and use it to bathe him.
Any questions?
They say men are mammals as if women are… what? cylons?
The stupid. It hurts.
Women are the angels who must civilize the animals. Geez, relationships sound like so much work – for the woman. :eye roll:
Don’t bother questioning the idea that it’s women’s job to “civilize” men, Cosmo! Just insult the dudes and put the burden on women to fix them.
I think my favorite is the “cougar” bit. YOU MUST NEVER BE TOO CONFIDENT, LEST HIS WILLY SHRIVEL.
OMFG, this is *so* offensive. If Maxim did a similar piece about women, we’d all be grabbing torches and pitchforks and storming their HQ. Hell, even the unenlightened fembots at Cosmo would be offended.
But no, in girlie-land, it’s still totally funny to tee-hee at boys being like animals.
FAIL.
Thank you for pointing out who the real man-haters are, ms. lesser.god
My question is, do you think it’s possible that this is satire so brilliant we simply fail to recognize it as satire?
@PhDork – gawd, the “body language” part is what irritates me the most too. “Don’t focus on what you need to say to him, just make sure you don’t scare him away! Because then you’ll be alone, oh noeeeees!”
(Or maybe he’ll spring at you, cougar style, and then refuse to climb down from the tree in your backyard)
@Kruschev: If so, I think they’re reading from the same satire handbook as that Irish Times essayist I flamed on.
Also, I don’t think the word “brilliant” can ever be used in the same sentence as “Cosmo.” Unless it’s “Cosmo is a brilliant example of silly anti-feminist fuckwittery.”
@Khrushchev: I doubt it. Because this is pretty much the way their whole magazine is set up and these articles are par for the course.
Khrushchev, DID YOU JUST CALL US HUMOURLESS?
@PSoul: I’m just saying not everything has to be FEMINIST.
No, in all honesty, I am fully aware that Cosmo is not satirical, though sometimes it seems to veer so closely. I am the sort of girl who would read things aloud from my old roommate’s Cosmos and add my scathing commentary until finally she discontinued her subscription.
Cosmo, satirical? I think not. It’s all too earnest. I was browsing the Cosmo website last week, in search of an article I’d heard about (I wanted to pass it on to S.o.a.l.g.), but it was not available online. I haven’t flipped through a hard copy of the mag in a long, long time, but my dog, the website content is idiotic. I guess that goes witout saying.
And even if it is satirical (which I really can’t imagine) there are a lot of women who read it without a satirical eye, and a lot of men who think that this is representative of how women see relationships, sex, and body issues.
Cosmo is always instructing women on how to mold their boyfriends into more perfect male specimen. This article is just particularly… interesting.
Nah, there’s no satire in Cosmo. It’s just mindless stereotyping crap that panders to the lowest common denominator of popular culture, not unlike “Rock of Love” or “Real Housewives.” And sarah’s right, most of its readers view it as good entertainment with a side of advice and information.
The fact that it occasionally reads like mocking self-parody is entirely unintentional.
I wish someone would just tell the Cosmo girls: why not date someone you like in the first place?
@funnyface: I know, right? That’s what’s so absurd to me. If you’re resorting to tips from animal trainers to make the person you’re with more palatable to you, you should never have been with the person in the first place.
@funnyface: Dingdingdingding! Although Cosmos readers are about 18 and still fairly unformed themselves, so they will probably not come to that realization for a while yet.
“Hmm, why does nobody ever accuse Cosmo of hating men?”
Yes, THIS. My sister’s sister-in-law is SUCH a Cosmo girl and would laugh knowingly at this article. You can tell she has no respect or genuine fondness for her husband (in all fairness to her, he is a dunce and a pig). She treats him like a child and bitches about him CONSTANTLY. But she wants to be the little wifey and once giggled “All women want to stay home!” So she is totally not a manhater you guys!!
Sorry but I like this article. It may not be brilliant in its entirety, but there are a few tips that I think make perfect sense.
Thanks for dropping by with that insight, Such Haters.
Why do people begin their defensive comments with the word “Sorry”? It’s clear that they are not sorry at all.
Sorry but I think my ex boyfriend was a chinchilla, and if I’d just locked him in a cage we’d still be together right now.
Sorry but I don’t even like this blog.
Sorry, but who do you think you guys are? Jezebel?
But hey!
I never knew you guys had a blog. Will be back for the hilarity.
This was hilarious! However, animal training techniques actually work well on humans, and – get this – vice versa. The best dog-training books are just rewrites of “How to win friends and influence people”.
@funnyface: yes! seriously! I never need to manipulate my guy because he was a decent human being from the start. And I don’t need Cosmo to tell me how to get in his pants – I can just ask him directly, honey, will you take off your pants?
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