It's never an easy choice. via legalassistance @ flickr
The past few days have been really tough for me. Not to get into overshare territory or anything, but I finally bit the bullet and tried Internet dating — and met a really great guy (he looks a little like Australian actor David Wenham) who I just started dating. I thought it was only fair that he know that his girlfriend is a feminist blogger, so I included the link to this site so there would be no confusion down the road. He was a bit overwhelmed by the whole enterprise, and said that, while he really liked me, he didn’t feel he could date someone who contributed to a culture of man-hating. After a very, very long discussion about misogyny vs. misandry, I’ve come to realize that what I’m doing here is counterproductive. If even intelligent, politically aware men like my boyfriend are upset by the kind of inflammatory rhetoric we sling around so casually here, I fail to see how constantly talking about the Patriarchy (TM) will advance any kind of women’s agenda.
Therefore, I am resigning my post as a Harpy. This was not an easy decision, and I am eternally grateful that my fellow harpies have allowed me to write this final post and openly discuss why I have such qualms about continuing to write for this blog.
1. I don’t want men to think I hate them
I have never shied away from my desire to marry and have children. In fact, I was engaged as recently as last November. And I was also very recently pregnant, although I lost my son in stillbirth seven weeks ago. I mention this only because I know I was happiest when I was filling the roles of (prospective) wife and mother, and I think that, at age 27, I don’t want to waste time living in my apartment alone with only some dustbunnies and Lord of the Rings DVDs keeping me company. But writing long screeds about the societal expectations of female domesticity makes it really difficult for people to understand why I would want to carve out a niche within that domestic sphere.
2. I’m tired of explaining myself
I’m sure a lot of you can relate to this. There are only so many times that I can say, “No, feminists don’t kill puppies and set nuns on fire.” There are only so many internet debates that I have the energy for. There are only so many misogynist trolls that I have the willpower to cut down. Labeling myself a Feminist with a capital “F” is something that keeps a lot of people from understanding or accepting me, especially when I scream it from the internet mountaintops on this site. It’s a little disingenuous for me to spend my days railing against the male-dominated culture and then spend my nights wondering why no men want to date me.
3. I have to figure some stuff out for myself
I talked about the “gay for play” phenomenon a few days ago, but perhaps the harpy doth protest too much. When I was asked by my new boyfriend about why I felt the need to share that I was bisexual in a public (if semi-anonymous) forum, I just didn’t have an answer. I similarly could not answer his question as to whether I am really bisexual or was just dated girls because I was really lonely and at a women’s college. The bottom line is that it’s not fair for me to continue to label myself bisexual anymore, especially when we could have LGBT readers who might be relating to that part of my self-professed identity only to realize that it could possibly be a falsehood.
4. My view on a key issue has changed.
This may have been the breaking point for me. After a very difficult internal debate, I have come to believe that abortion is morally, ethically, and legally wrong. I cannot believe that it is part of the natural order of things. I resent the anti-choice label, because I am not about to start picketing Planned Parenthood or sending threats to the head of NARAL. I also do not subscribe to the pro-life label, because I’m not sure that fully encapsulates my position either. However, I am not pro-choice. These are potential lives, and I do not believe they should be snuffed out (I would, of course, make the customary rape/incest exception).
So, this is the end of my personal Harpyness. I cannot thank you all enough for all of the comments, the debate, the one-liners, and the time that you have spent reading what I have written for this site. I remain so indebted to my friends and (now ex-)fellow harpies for understanding my decision. I will continue to read this site and also hope to comment on posts.
Finally, I’d like to leave you all with a message from my beloved pup Lola, whose birthday is today:
HAPPY
APRIL
FOOLS
DAY!
Sheesus, you had me fooled! I’m an idiot…
This is why I hate this holiday. I was reading this whole thing with my jaw dropped, until I got to the part about abortion. And then I felt suspicious.
Well-played, Sarah.of.a.lesser.god.
While reading this I was thinking of the Jonestown people, because I had just watched that American Experience doc on that fucked up shit. You stinker!
Like Khrushchev, I was with you until the last point, and then…I looked suspiciously at the calendar and went d’oh in a Homer Simpson-esque fashion.
In other news, Ratinski is made of fail.
Oh. Thank. God. Don’t scare us like that! Seriously, hate this holiday. Probably because I am feminist and a woman, and most forms of humor are therefore lost on me.
Haahaha….I’m embarrassed to say I was sort of aghast until I got to your numbered list. At which point I was all “whew” followed by “DAMMIT”
Oh My God! You really had me. But when you got to the abortion rights bit I was like ‘w-w-w-w-aaaaaa? B-b-b-b… OH!’
I was reading this like WHA? Which is embarrassing because I knew right away that the thing on Gmail about “autopilot” was an April Fools Joke right off the bat.
I’m far too gullible for this day.
Dood, I was practically crying – AT WORK – while I read this. Thank god it was April fool’s joke!
My world wad very twisted until I got to the bottom! I just kept thinking Pilgrimsoul is going to come over and SPANK THE BEJEEZUS OUTTA YOU!!!
I’m kinda proud of myself — usually I’m a total sucker, but this time I thought, “Wait a minute, it’s April Fools Day…”
LOVE the pictures of your pupster! What a little hambone!
I found it all completely out of character and was about to cry.. Half way through it I looked at my calendar and questioned! Yay! This was a good one!
Man do I hate the Internet every April fool’s day. You nearly gave me a damn heart attack! Even more grateful to have you ladies around now, the five of you and the many commenters.
[as Montgomery Burns] Eeeeeexcellent.
Fortunately sarah warned the rest of us she’d be doing this. Otherwise I might have been on the phone before I got to the Lola pictures.
Oh Jesus, thank god. I was so horrified. Good one!
Although for realz, if you had actually found a dude who looked like David Wenham, that would be a huge score.
Oh holy shit. You just about gave me a heart attack. Until I realized that this was an April Fool’s joke, I felt my world turrning upside down. In other news, you are the funniest, smartyiest, harpyiest woman in my world today!
don SCARE ME like that!
I’m feeling so SMRT for figuring out it was an April Fool’s joke! Which I did NOT do for several minuts this morning when listening to NPR…anyone else hear the piece about The Economist buying an amusement park?
You totally had me. And I was like “what in the holy fuck…”
Ah, relieved.
Apologies to anyone who truly freaked out! But I meant what I said when I thanked all of you for the comments and debate and time spent on this site!
“I don’t want to waste time living in my apartment alone with only some dustbunnies and Lord of the Rings DVDs keeping me company.”
Seriously, you could have posted that sentence alone and it would have been an obvious farce because that sounds pretty ideal.
I seriously felt my heart beating fast and hard and almost started crying at work. I was thinking “oh shit, there is no hope for ANY of us if sarah.of.a.lesser.god admits defeat.”
i’ve never been so relieved to feel dumb before.
i was getting so upset b/c you were changing all your views at what seemed to be the influence of a guy you just started dating.
well played, harpy.
@Maritsa – I didn’t hear that one, but I did hear the one about people agitating to stop naming failing sports teams after noble woodland creatures…
Well played!
OK. well played. I was prepared to (grudgingly) accept what you were saying until you got to the part about coming to realize that abortion was morally,ethically and legally wrong. Then I was like, hey….
@Kivrin: She’s a total hambone. She’s a little diva but very nurturing and maternal towards one of our other dogs. As for the third dog, as you can see, all she does is hump him. Honorary Canine Harpy, who believes in women on top. (With apologies to BeckySharper’s love of the missionary position.)
also lola is adorable. My aunt has a dog just like that, Max. He has a little fleece coat he wears in the winter when he takes walks.
Oh, you slippery eel of a mistress!
Today, I edited my office’s April calendar to say that during this month, Angelo Mozilo, John Maynard Keynes, Sheila Bair, and Milton Friedman were giving noontime presentations. I also said that Adam Smith of “Invisible Hand Asset Management” would be speaking on the 15th of the month about his company’s new Large Cap Freedom Market-Driven Self-Regulating Fund. Despite my place of work being a finance place, some people did not get it.
@MorningGloria: “Invisible Hand Asset Management” is so fucking full of win.
Goddamn you! Halfway through your bisexual piece, I actually started crying. By the time I got to the abortion part, I had tears streaming down my face and my stomach hurt.
SARAH, YOU MADE ME CRY.
Very well played.
Delurking to admit you got me too! My local radio station had one of their morning people storm off live on air, and only now am I thinking that might not have been legit.
That was pretty cruel. Thank goodness for the puppy pictures at the end.
You got me. Well-played, lady.
Oh boy! I’ve come to this website for a few reasons, but mostly because I like the five of you gals so much (from reading jezebel) and wanted a stronger ‘concoction’ than just Jezebel and feministing. So, Sarah, when I read this my stomach started hurting and I felt unexpectedly despairing and sad. THANK GOD it’s a joke. I just wanted to delurk for a moment and let you guys know how much I appreciate what you do here…much more than I even realized, and give a big THANKS!!
Hi, I just found this blog TODAY and was really looking forward to reading through the posts since I know and respect all the harpies from Jezebel comments.
Reading Sarah’s as a first post was horrible! Until the end when I heaved a huge sigh of relief and laughed at myself for being so gullible. It’s funny, I know I’m gullible, and yet I never realize I’m being fooled until afterwards.
Britni, no malice was intended! And all of you have free rein to kick my behind should I ever turn anti-choice.
This is actually the first time I’ve attempted April Fools on anyone other than my mother (who has extreme gullibility and no sarcasm detection mechanism).
considering what is going on over at jezebel today with the ‘no more commenting’, it’s par for the course.
:drafts Please deposit money in my foreign bank account! email for distribution to gullible Harpyness readers:
LOL SMC. I probably wouldn’t fall for that email, but I will for just about anything else.
Tricksy hobbit!
Gah! You totally had me fooled!
rednrowdy, that’s actually how I found this site – I saw that post and believed it, was very upset and went looking at some of my favourite commenters’ pages to see if they had posted about it – that’s when I found a link here.
So this post is #2 for me getting fooled today!
I don’t understand doing this–I’ve always been too thin-skinned for this holiday. And I’m completely stuck on the statement about stillbirth–I can’t imagine pretending that had happened if it hadn’t, but I also can’t imagine tossing it in there as part of a joke if it had. I feel sick even thinking of it. Sarah, are you okay?
AHHH my mouth was seriously hanging open. I’m so gullible today; I fell for the Jezebel commenting thing at first too. Nicely done, though, I must say.
Also, Lola and her accessories are pretty fantastic.
@Caro K: No, that part was not a joke. My son Sammy was stillborn February 12. One reason I’d never quit Harpyness? This blog keeps me very focused and gives me a reason to channel my energies into something positive.
Oh Sarah, I’m so sorry. (Deep breath.) And thank you for all you do here–Harpyness is a beautiful thing and a gift to all of us–even we gullible ones!
Oh man, I thought you had been brainwashed. This was excellent, I almost threw up in my mouth reading that.
Oh my god, don’t DO THAT TO ME EVER AGAIN.
MAN SARAH!!! I almost starting crying….I was thinking that we can’t have lost one of our funniest and brightest preachers of what is it to be female now!! Thank god that was a joke. I just don’t think I could have handled that.