via lomokev @ flickr
I possess a certain masochism, so when I spied a copy of the upcoming book by radio host and noted homophobe Laura Schlessinger (a.k.a. Dr. Laura), I felt compelled to give it a closer look. The title kind of says it all: In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms. The blurb on the publisher’s website digs a little deeper.
These are women who know in their hearts that staying home to raise their children is the right choice for the whole family. Some do it from the outset of their marriages, while others make the difficult transition from career-driven women to homemakers. Either way, it is a choice that is incredibly rich and rewarding, not to mention challenging.
Let me make myself clear when I say that this post is not an attack on stay-at-home moms (SAHMs). Really, that would be petty and pointless. I’d rather take people like Dr. Laura to task for reenforcing the “traditional” dictate that being a SAHM is “the right choice for the whole family.” It’s not circular logic to say that her statement inevitably decrees that being a working mother must be the wrong choice for the family. As the daughter of a working mother and a working stepmother, that really drives me insane. Do we really need to up this game of What Kind of Mommy Is Best?
It’ll be interesting to see what, if any, impact this book will have given the fact that America’s economy is not exactly what you would call “robust” at the moment. The argument that the best situation for a family is to have the mother at home is predicated on the assumption that Daddy has a job. But with layoffs affecting almost every sector of the workforce, it would seem logical to conclude that there will be some SAHMs whose family finances are affected drastically by the recession and may find themselves stepping into (or stepping back into) the professional sphere. That was certainly the experience of both my grandmothers — women who wanted to stay at home but could not because their husbands were unable to hold down a job. On the flip side, mothers who have worked for years are now finding themselves unemployed and are now inadvertent SAHMs.
And, oh yeah, there are those things called stay-at-home dads. But it’s no fun to talk about them! When men go out the door every day with their briefcase, they clearly have the Best Interest of the Children (TM) at heart, as they work hard for a paycheck that keeps the family afloat. When women do the same, they are neglecting their poor children who need Mommy’s apron strings to cling to. Daddy’s apron strings just won’t cut it! Schlessinger’s book is further described as “a profound and unique understanding of how important it is for mothers to raise their own children.” I’m not quite sure what that statement even means. Having taught daycare for over a year, every child I worked with came from a family with two working parents. Not once did I ever think that the mothers weren’t “raising their own children.”
Schlessinger’s brand of mommy-shaming is not at all new. And it’s still all-too-common. A recent poll shows that two in five men believe it’s better for the family “if the man earns the money and the woman takes care of the home and children.” And two in five women believe the same thing. In slightly more encouraging news, 80% of the women respondents say that working mothers can have relationships with their children that are every bit as meaningful and present as the relationships between SAHMs and their children. (67% of men agree with that assessment.)
So while Schlessinger is not presenting any fresh ideas with her book, it’s clear that this is a discussion that still needs to be had if we want to change the antipathy towards working mothers. Even in this day and age, when such women are far from an anomaly (70% of mothers work outside the home) and are often necessary for a family’s economic welfare, mothers who making the exact same choice to work that fathers do are still under attack for being selfish, neglectful, and destructive to their families. $20 to the first Harpy reader* who calls into Schlessinger’s show and asks her point-blank why she didn’t title her book In Praise of Stay-at-Home Parents and take the gender issue out of it. The mommy-shaming has to stop.
*Seriously.
Cat: This may be entirely off topic but your comment struck me funny –from a purely practicing Christian perspective, I do view my marriage as a third party entity of its own. There are passages about the two being one flesh, of being one entity in the eyes of God. So, I can see how to some folks, like fellow practicing Christians, one might from time to time refer to the marriage as if it is almost a person itself. But I get how weird that might seem without that frame of reference.
“a profound and unique understanding
Dr. Laura?! ahahahahahhaha
Also, Avogadro, you might be my soul mate. I have a job, but I don’t have a career. I don’t have a passion for what I do. I don’t think I would feel a twinge of regret to stop doing this every day. But that doesn’t mean I don’t understand how it might be heart-wrenching and absolutely not ideal for another person to give up a career that she loves, which is why I absolutely get that being a SAHM would not be something everyone would want to choose, as Dr. Laura seems to suggest.
@funnyface: Interesting point – thanks for your insight. I think it’s one of those things where it can be empowering (like the whole is greater than the sum of the parts) but can also be oppressive (like keeping the marriage together is more important that the happiness of the people involved).
Totally, Cat, which is why the whole thing gets so screwed up in more rigid traditions that don’t allow for divorce and such.
Ideally, I think you’re right, in a whole greater than the sum of the parts sort of thing. That’s definitely how I see it.
My mom listened to Dr. Laura every day when I was little. I blame her for my confused notions about healthy sexuality when I was younger. Also about abortion.
I agree with the poster who cited the Internet Mommy Wars of 2005–when we had the “economic luxury” as a culture to debate such things.
Maybe cuz my kids are older (around 5-7ish) I forgot people even argued about this. All my close friends work PT/ or FT, and the mothers I know who don’t work have told me point blank that they want a job desperately and feel cut off. It’s just a juggle to make sure they make enough to justify child care, after care at elementary school, etc etc. So sometimes they want to work but can’t!
I kinda miss listening to Dr Laura, tho. She used to make my blood boil, and it was kinda fun!
Maybe this is a dispassionate response, but I look at the SAHM debate as yet another subject where I just can’t understand why people get so riled up. What I mean by that is, this is a decision that each family needs to make for itself, depending on their financial stability and personal happiness. Why should it matter to Dr Laura? My mom stayed home with me until I was about ten, and then she got a job as a teaching assistant so we could share similar hours. My dad once told me that we probably would have been better off financially if she hadn’t worked, because she wasn’t adding that much to the household income and we were being taxed at a higher rate. But she enjoyed her job, she was good at it, and it worked for my family that she pursued this career. And I’m fairly certain it didn’t affect Dr Laura in the slightest. So why does she – or anyone else for that matter – feel the need to get so involved in the choices others make?
Because she’s a colluder, R-Star, with a vested interest in keeping other women socially and economically powerless.
@R-Star: I have no issue with SAHMs, just as I have no issues with working mothers. My issue is with people like Dr. Laura who hold up one category of women while blasting another. It also indirectly promotes this cult of the family as the only path for women to take.
sarah.of.a.lesser.god, clearly you’ve missed the whole point. Real menz don’t wear aprons!
I am a minority here. I would LOVE to be a SAHM, but alas my income is higher than my husband so I must work at least part-time. It is disheartening that it costs about 40+K a year to have my three kids watched while I work part-time. Forget all the talk about saving for college, really you all who do not have kids yet, save for daycare! It’ll run you 15+K per year when they are babies.
I have one child on the autism spectrum and I find that I am a better speech/occupational therapist than the professionals that we’ve had. For this reason I homeschool my kids (love doing it). Yes, it’s true; a lot of your income will go to healthcare. So in the end I find that folks with 2+ kids cannot afford the daycare expenses relative to their income, so one spouse ends up staying home.
When you work all day, there’s really not enough time in the evening to spend as a family before bedtime. That’s what hurts for me.
I have two kids. I stayed at home with my first one for two years and here’s the dirty little secret about staying at home. When you cut down to one income lot of the fun things you’d do with your kid are out of the questions because they COST money.
I am a better Mom to my kids when I work, it is that simple. Hate me if you want but that’s me.
I just read excerpts from the book on Amazon: 1) the unhappy daycare kid stories are enough to make your head explode! 2) I find it VERY interesting that her bio does not mention her having children. 3) working during school hours or at night is NOT the definition of a SAHM… does Dr. Laura ever think about her own life/choices before writing this crap?
I’m currently at home… and from my heart I know it’s the best thing for my children and my man. because what child and husband doesn’t love the woman who is ready to lose her f@$%ing mind… I once had dreams, a life, time to pee!
Really I’m home because I can’t juggle, I love work and love being present with the kids, and I LOVE women who can do both. I can’t and the work can wait for now.
Also, I’m 42 with 3 kids… i’ve worked and no one gave me shit. I’m home and no one judges. Where are these mommies at war? I honestly haven’t seen it. A lie to sell books and magazines?
Lastly, Dr. Laura: don’t worry, the time machine is coming to take you home!
I’ve felt for a long time that society should stop judging women on the choices they make on this issue – parents make the choices they feel are best, make the choices they feel they have to for their family. Whether or not a mom (or dad) decides to stay home, the important thing is that the kid is supported, loved, and cared for. let’s keep our eyes on what’s important.
::steps off soap box::
(Dammit, I just used the word *should*. ::slap on wrist with ruler:: Bad Tracy! I meant to say that I think it’s ridiculous that we do! (And yes, I mean on both sides of the debate.)
My mother stayed home with us simply because the cost of child care would have been more than her salary. I, nor her, have other thought she was a “better” mother for this choice.. it was the only choice. All this book will accomplish is making women in lower socioeconomic classes feel more guilt about their inability to stay home with their children. BACK OFF “DR” LAURA…
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