When I moved to you from Atlanta three years ago, I thought I had found the liberal mecca I’d been searching for all my life. But then you voted against gay marriage and just blew my mind. WTF? Shh…I know you didn’t mean it baby…let’s set that shit right.

Love,
Carrie

P.S. Hey, NC, remember when the media flipped out about the fact that young liberals of many races lived in the South and that they, gasp, might actually vote? Yea, well, that made a lot of conservatives nervous, obvs, so the media had to provide the fair and balanced view, which meant they set up cameras outside an early voting station in Fayetteville, a city of soldiers and strip clubs and dying dreams, to capture angry rednecks yelling crazy racist shit at the line of black folks trying to be all patriotic and whatnot.

Baby, let’s prove every person wrong who saw that video clip and pointed at the television and said, “SEE! I told you they were all racists!” Let’s do something to prove we’re not all bigots, mmkay?

And since I know you watched the game last night, GO TARHEELS! xoxo – Clouds

Dear Illinois,

You know how Chicago really, really, REALLY wants the Olympics in 2016? ‘Course you do. You know what would really impress the International Olympic Committee? Marriage equality. I mean, the IOC probably doesn’t want to give the Olympics to Spain for the second time in twenty-four years, but as of right now Madrid’s the only candidate city where two people of any gender can marry. You KNOW the IOC is going to factor civil rights into their decision.

Besides, we can’t let Iowa think it’s cooler than you, can we? Of course not.

Yours in citizenship and taxes,

RocktheDebit

P.S. It would also distract everyone from G-Rod.

Dear Tennessee,

You pretend to be all Dixiecrat conservative and stuff, but we all know that’s not really you. I mean, you only went along with the Confederacy because Mississippi and Arkansas were being total teases, and a third of the state didn’t really go along with it anyway, and as soon as the war ended you ran back to the Union. You were the state that ratified the Nineteenth Amendment. And then back during the Civil Rights movement your Senators, Mr. Kefauver and Mr. Gore, were the only holdouts from the Southern Manifesto (well, except for LBJ).

You need to embrace your pleasure-loving side. Think about Elvis. Think about Dolly Parton. Think about the state quarter that doesn’t feature a boring ol’ preacher talking about sin and repentance; it features a fiddle and a guitar! Add in Lynchburg’s Jack Daniels, some East Tennessee moonshine, and the hippies at Bonnaroo and you’ve got a hootenanny that can stand up to anything those Yankees can throwdown. And everyone knows that there’s no better occasion for a party than a gay marriage.

Finally, on a more serious note, you still owe America for voting for George W. Bush, and not your native son Al Gore, in 2000. I mean, you REALLY owe the rest of America.

I’ll try to make it down this summer, but you know how things get.

Kisses,

RocktheDebit

P.S.: Sorry about the Lady Vols not making it to the Final Four. Better luck next year!

Hey, baby, you know I love you. I keep trying to leave, but then I say “fuck” or “shit” and the words are far too drawn out and twangy for me to forget where I come from. (Plus, people laugh.) And I’m proud of you for going blue for the first time in FOR-FUCKING-EVER. That was pretty fucking cool.

But now is the time… okay, fuck that reasonable bullshit about equality and humanity. NC, don’t get beat by South Carolina. Remember, they are the bastard state to our greatness.

Off to eat some bbq with vinegar-based sauce,

Clouds

I’m no big fan of marriage (as a religious institution or as a social necessity), but I don’t think the answer is “deny same-sex marriage.” I believe that opening marriage to any consenting adults is going to do plenty to destroy rigid sex-roles, essentialism, and all the other BS I rail against.