Comments on: Women’s Work: Birthday Edition

By: On Elf Work - The Pursuit of Harpyness

On Elf Work - The Pursuit of Harpyness — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 16:06:51 +0000

[...] been chosen, addressed, and signed by the women of the family. (I talked about this already here.) And I know that the gifts I’ll get from Mama and Papa Dude (and Gram & Gramps Dude) [...]

By: Lyndsay

Lyndsay — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:06:24 +0000

Now that I think of it, I think all the cards I receive are done by women except my grand-parents’ maybe. I started to wonder if I am just related to more women by blood but my grand-ma has a brother and nephews who have never sent me cards (one is barely in contact with family at all) while their sisters do send me cards.
I am thinking I will need to start keeping track of birthdays better soon but especially for family younger than me because it’s a nice feeling to know an aunt or older cousin thinks of your birthday every year and I want to give younger people that feeling.

By: Shannon

Shannon — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 14:51:12 +0000

My boyfriend was commenting about how his sister in law never gets presents in the mail on time and I asked “what is your brother doing?” and he didn’t really know how to respond. We’ve been dating a year, and yet I now purchase all his family’s gifts or am heavily involved in the scouting out of gifts…in part because I enjoy buying them, but it’s odd. Definitely one of those default female roles.

By: May

May — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 21:00:32 +0000

I am horrible about doing this. I always, always, always forget to get people birthday presents, send cards, etc.

I should get a boyfriend who does those things for me. Hmmm.

By: kithkin

kithkin — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:44:52 +0000

I am the oldest daughter and granddaughter in my family (all girls in my immediate family) and I married the older one of two brothers. Now, we live very far from my family and very closeto my husband’s parents. With regard to birthdays etc, I very much feel that I have inherited a separate family for whom I ought to bake cakes, send cards, choose and wrap gifts and so on. My mother-in-law really babied my husband and his brother long after they should have grown out of it, too; right up until we were married, she used to come over to the house and do his laundry. She would even go into the bedroom! The point is, for over twenty years neither of these men really did chores on their own, let alone things like writing cards. It’s just a woman’s job and always had been. And because, for my husband’s side of the family especially, it’s such a woman’s job I feel like it reflects poorly on me when Christmas cards don’t get sent or whatever. I find that this particular mold is extra difficult to break out of because you’re dealing with people, often much older people, you don’t know all that well but whose opinions of you are important.

And before we were married, my parents told then-boyfriend he could spend the night in the spare room. He always stayed in a hotel instead. I was forbidden from joining him there.

By: Spark

Spark — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:19:06 +0000

@SarahMC: This was the thing I was most annoyed about when we got married. Now when we go home, it’s like a joint custody arrangement: one night at his parents’, one night at mine… I liked the old arrangement better.

I was going to write a comment agreeing with y’all, when my partner called, so I commented to him. His response: “So you’re sitting there, thinking about the ways I push you into oppressive gender roles.” Yes indeed!

By: funnyface

funnyface — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:15:18 +0000

Auntie Em: I have the feeling that your dad and my dad would get along swimmingly.

I definitely feel that the pressure to send cards and remember birthdays was ratcheted up when I got married, mostly because I felt that I had to make sure both of our families were getting equal attention. I felt that his family would look at me as a Bad Wife if one of them failed to receive a birthday card. But… one year they all forgot to call me on my birthday. And I’ve realized over the years that they are just as shitty at remembering this stuff as I am. So I’m sort of over it. My MIL’s birthday was Sunday. We had given her a present when we last visited, so we could be with her when she opened it, and we didn’t send a card for the actual day. I had a brief moment of panic but then realized that she probably only wanted a phone call from her son anyway. (I do not ever speak to my IL’s on the phone, and mostly keep in touch with them via email. My husband only occasionally talks to my family on the phone.)

By: SarahMC

SarahMC — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:03:08 +0000

Our parents live in the same town, Becky, so we each sleep at our own mommy and daddy’s when we’re there.

By: BeckySharper

BeckySharper — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 16:56:53 +0000

@JD: No, that’s the odd thing. On my mom’s side I’m the 3rd of 4 grandkids and on my dad’s side I’m the 4th of 10.

@SarahMC: They don’t make you have separate bedrooms when you visit, do they? My parents didn’t care if my S.O.s slept in my room (starting when I was in college) but I have friends whose parents actually make them sleep in separate rooms even though they’re in their 30s and LIVING TOGETHER.

@AuntieEm: Your dad sounds awesome!

By: PhDork

PhDork — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 16:55:42 +0000

Auntie Em, that’s a lovely story.

I am, I think, insanely fortunate, because I’m permanently unmarried to the Dude, but both sets of ‘rents are respectful and non-manipulative. And, Dude does the work for cards/gifts to his fam, I to mine (we sign for ourselves and do little things at Xmas), and that’s that. We used to each send cards for an immediate family member’s birthday, but then we realized we weren’t presenting ourselves as a team (and doing 2x the work). He’s actually closer to his large extended family than I am to mine, so I am extra relieved that he’s willing to maintain those relationships, rather than leaving it to me. ‘Cause I would seriously flame out.