Readers are up in (mostly feminist) arms about a recent New York Times article by pediatrician Perri Klass entitled “Another Awkward Talk: Respect and Violence.” Dr. Klass wants all you liberal Times-reading helicopter parents to know that you need to be more honest and pro-active in teaching your son how not to be a jackass–or a rapist. Great! I like this idea! Where do I sign?
Unfortunately, Dr. Klass proves to be a lousy messenger for her own message. First, she tries to illustrate her point with an inane anecdote about teenage boys and elevator etiquette. It starts to spiral downward shortly thereafter:
Once you start asking about whether there are special lessons that should be taught to boys, people jump pretty quickly from elevators to sex (or maybe that’s just the crowd I run with). (ed: must be, because I can’t say I’ve ever segued naturally from elevators to teen sex) Sex, after all, is a subject on which pediatricians give plenty of advice. And it becomes very tricky to formulate that advice without making some unpleasant assumptions about adolescent sexuality.
You mean that teenage boys are giant roving maelstroms of testosteronal id? And that maybe teenage girls should be a bit wary and learn to look out for themselves? Well, no. Because Dr. Klass thinks that would be just plain unfair to those poor adolescent guys:
Stir it all together, and you may get an official worldview in which boys are viewed as potential criminals and girls as potential victims. We have to get that message across without defining some of our children as obvious perpetrators and others as obvious victims, because that insults everyone.
No, it does not. That’s the reality of dating violence and sexual assault. Let’s not pretend otherwise, mmkay? I’m all in favor of gender equality and treating boys and girls the same, but the truth is plain: boys and girls are most definitely not created equal when it comes to sexual assault.
I’m willing to go one further. Enough with the “OMG, think of the boyz!” hand-wringing. Have those “awkward” conversations, and have them early and often with your sons. And don’t mince words or worry about “insulting” anyone. I hate how anti-date rape campaigns shout “Don’t be a victim!” at teenage girls. We should also be shouting “Don’t be a rapist!” at teenage boys. If we’re going to educate girls about how not to be victims of rape or domestic violence–and Dog knows, I sat through more than a few of those mandatory presentations in high school and college–we should also be educating boys on how to behave non-violently and respectfully, and to exhibit normal impulse control. Because pop culture sure ain’t delivering those messages:
We live with an endless parade of hypersexualized images — and a constant soundtrack of adults lamenting children’s exposure to that endless parade. There’s increasing knowledge of dating violence, including well-publicized celebrity incidents. And there’s always a new movie to see about how adolescent boys are clueless, sex-obsessed goofballs.
So, parents, when your 16 year old son goes to see “Observe and Report” this weekend, what is he going to take away from it? (And yeah, I know it’s R-rated, but who are we kidding? Every high-schooler in the country is going to see that film.) And what are you going to do about it?
If your household is anything like Chez Sharper, the answer is probably “nothing.” My beloved brothers (who range in age from 23 to 18) are incredibly smart and accomplished, but they were raised by parents who did absolutely nothing to instill respect for women. Their mother, a sweet but painfully passive stay-at-home mom, would literally stand mute with frustration while they cracked dirty jokes, disobeyed every rule in the book or cussed at her when they didn’t get their way. Our father’s attempts to call them out on it were half-hearted and about as effective as pissing on a forest fire. Fortunately, it was a home where their father always treated their mother lovingly, and respectfully, so they seem to have absorbed some of that message by example–but only some of it. Not nearly enough as far as their older sister’s concerned. I have moments where I think my head will explode if I have to explain to them one more time why I will not join them at Hooters or why they shouldn’t call every girl they dislike a whore.
I firmly believe that parents and teachers and adults who have influence with young people need to get off their complacent asses and civilize boys and young men. But I think we need to be a lot harder on them than Dr. Klass does. She concludes, lamely:
I would offer everyone the even less-palatable lesson that sometimes people make dumb decisions. Sometimes you decide to do something and then you wish you hadn’t done it, and that doesn’t necessarily make you bad or good, though it may make you sadder and wiser.
Especially because your “dumb decision”–how’s that for a wussy New York Times euphemism?–may land your son’s dumb ass in jail, or get him a faceful of pepper spray, a kick in the nuts and a shitload of animosity from women like us (or like TigerBeatDown, whose take on this article is hilariously awesome).
Sorry for the essay, but this is a great post and I hope my “life experience” can elaborate upon it.
My beloved brothers (who range in age from 23 to 18) are incredibly smart and accomplished, but they were raised by parents who did absolutely nothing to instill respect for women.
For some ludicrous reason, I had never thought about how a parent would do this by example. My parents always made the point known through lectures, so I didn’t notice the subtler ways. I’m the youngest of three boys, and we are all respectful of women.
My father was raised in an abusive household and my aunt told me recently, that when he visited once from college, he forcefully stopped his own father from hitting his mother. Up until I moved in with my aunt for six months, I really didn’t know a thing about my dad. We never got away with misogynistic jokes, though racist jokes didn’t provoke much discipline. (I always wonder how my latina mother felt about those…) The one time I did raised my voice to my mom, my dad yelled back at me, though, in hindsight, he wasn’t emotional, just logical and basically told me to shut up and think in the other person’s shoes before speaking.
Sorry for the essay, but I hadn’t realized how those things made me who I am now.
This is great. I really think parents (and others) need to explain to boys how they can be rapists without feeling like bad people or intending to do harm, simply by proceeding with sex without the enthusiastic and clear consent of a partner in his or her right mind. I think (not sure, I don’t actually have many of these conversations with men myself) that some boys and men think that rape is something that “bad people” or “criminals” do, and that they are exempt from it simply by not intending consciously to rape, not hitting sexual partners, forcing them physically, nor holding a gun to their heads. Instead I think rape should be taught as something that happens all the time and doesn’t necessarily require malicious intent — simple negligence or carelessness will do serious damage.
Here’s the thing. As is typical, the doctor is approaching dating violence and sexual assault as an problem between individuals – when it’s a problem with society.
Not sure why she thinks teaching boys that anything short of clear consent (whether via “yes!” or lots of enthusiasm) = don’t go there would hurt their fee-fees.
Who views males as predators, hmm?
I guess if you take into consideration the fact that every other influence in their lives will tell them they are entitled to women’s bodies, boys probably will be pissed if someone suggests otherwise. Tough.
Parents need to teach children of both sexes that other people have rights, feelings, and desires of their own, and that bodily autonomy is a sacred thing. When something in popular culture tells them otherwise, mention it and explain why it’s wrong.
But in a country where people oppose gay marraige because then they’d have to explain homosexuality to their kids, my hopes are not high.
some boys and men think that rape is something that “bad people” or “criminals” do, and that they are exempt from it simply by not intending consciously to rape, not hitting sexual partners, forcing them physically, nor holding a gun to their heads.
I think this hits the nail on the head. As long as I’m a “good guy,” then there’s no way I have ever raped anyone and neither has any one of my friends, because they’re all “good guys,” too.
And there is a serious fucking problem when a parent’s primary concern is not hurting her son’s feelings rather than raising her son not to be a violent criminal.
Why would “don’t rape” hurt a boy’s feelings (gag me) any more than “don’t steal” or “don’t cheat” or “don’t drink and drive?”
Could it be because male supremacy is SO ingrained in society that challenging it just seems wrong to some people?
Sarah, I have never heard a good response to this eminently sensible question.
I think it’s because only men really rape, to a large degree (with obvious and of course horrible exceptions that unfortunately prove the rule). Girls and women can cheat or drink and drive or whatever but not really be rapists except in a minority of cases — it’s not a reality or regular occurrence on the spectrum of female sexuality (am i essentializing?) That’s the part the author refuses to admit and why even acknowledging the frequency and mundaneness of rape automatically makes you into some screaming victimy manhating banshee.
Even though it’s a lot lower than for women, I’m starting to wonder if we underestimate how often males are sexually assaulted. I say males because I wonder how many of these statistics don’t include children and would change if children were included. It is still something done mostly by men to women but I think conversations about consent are important for both sexes. There might be more emphasis depending on if you’re talking to boys and girls but same content.
Klass lost me with the elevator anecdote. Elevator etiquette analysis is all well and good, but trying to link it on an intellectual level to how we teach boys that raping/beating/abusing women is immoral? That’s a leap worthy of Evel Knievel.
Lyndsay, I think men and boys are probably raped a lot more often than is known…but I think their offenders are usually also men. Of course there are also women rapists/sexual abusers, but I think that kind of psychological profile is not necessarily the type to be affected by teenage sex talks, do you know what I mean? I’m not sure the issues around women sexual offenders are as normalized in the culture so it’s not a matter of “educating” women not to rape. But I am open to the notion that this is wrong and the incidence of women raping is much higher. I just haven’t yet heard anything that indicates this.
Secondarily I would say that women and girls ARE talked to about rape from a young age in a way that boys aren’t — told not to get drunk in public, dress modestly, don’t walk alone at night, carry your keys out on the way to the car, etc. We are taught to protect ourselves while boys and men are just frozen out of the conversation or else told their role is to “protect” women who are being preyed upon by OTHER men (never themselves).
The education doesn’t have to just be about non-violence–it can also be about positive sexuality. Sexual desire is a good thing, sex is a good thing, and being a good sexual partner means caring about your pleasure and your partner’s pleasure (and safety). We should teach girls and boys what good sex is (safe, consensual, mutually enjoyable). Something that is a good in itself, not a means to another end (approval, status, self-esteem, proving yourself, etc).
The whole notion of teaching boys not to rape is absolutely one that’s not covered. The onus is still always on the girls – to be careful, accommodating, and above all psychic.
Over 10 years ago, I was sitting in my high school health class when the teacher showed us a movie about rape. It was filled with all sorts of helpful tips for girls (she said sarcastically) – what to wear and not wear, when to walk and not walk, where to park your car or not park your car, etc.
The movie filled me with so, so much rage that when the lights came up and the teacher asked if there were any questions, I shot up my hand and demanded to know why we weren’t required to watch a movie that tells boys to not rape girls, rather than this piece of shite. (I think I actually did curse, which probably shocked people.) She simply stood there silent for a moment, and then nodded and said “you’re right,” and went to the next question.
Education fail.
@Spark and BB: Absolutely. I could not agree with you more.
Great post. I’m the mom of a 14-year-old boy and I am doing my best to raise him to be respectful of females. It isn’t easy in this world. But I don’t think twice about reprimanding him if he is insensitive, stupid or mean. I don’t tolerate him gay bashing or even using the word retarded in my home. I try to teach him empathy, and it seems to work for the most part.
One of the worst moments in my parenting was when I mentioned that I was a feminist in a conversation with my kid, and he reacted with horror. Apparently in his middle school, this is a derogatory term. He didn’t think I could possibly be one of THOSE. He got a long lecture on that.
Argh.