Comments on: It’s Not “Awkward” For Me

By: vicariousrising

vicariousrising — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 18:50:31 +0000

Great post. I’m the mom of a 14-year-old boy and I am doing my best to raise him to be respectful of females. It isn’t easy in this world. But I don’t think twice about reprimanding him if he is insensitive, stupid or mean. I don’t tolerate him gay bashing or even using the word retarded in my home. I try to teach him empathy, and it seems to work for the most part.

One of the worst moments in my parenting was when I mentioned that I was a feminist in a conversation with my kid, and he reacted with horror. Apparently in his middle school, this is a derogatory term. He didn’t think I could possibly be one of THOSE. He got a long lecture on that.

Argh.

By: BeckySharper

BeckySharper — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 18:43:50 +0000

@Spark and BB: Absolutely. I could not agree with you more.

By: bb

bb — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:22:20 +0000

The whole notion of teaching boys not to rape is absolutely one that’s not covered. The onus is still always on the girls – to be careful, accommodating, and above all psychic.

Over 10 years ago, I was sitting in my high school health class when the teacher showed us a movie about rape. It was filled with all sorts of helpful tips for girls (she said sarcastically) – what to wear and not wear, when to walk and not walk, where to park your car or not park your car, etc.

The movie filled me with so, so much rage that when the lights came up and the teacher asked if there were any questions, I shot up my hand and demanded to know why we weren’t required to watch a movie that tells boys to not rape girls, rather than this piece of shite. (I think I actually did curse, which probably shocked people.) She simply stood there silent for a moment, and then nodded and said “you’re right,” and went to the next question.

Education fail.

By: Spark

Spark — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:07:01 +0000

The education doesn’t have to just be about non-violence–it can also be about positive sexuality. Sexual desire is a good thing, sex is a good thing, and being a good sexual partner means caring about your pleasure and your partner’s pleasure (and safety). We should teach girls and boys what good sex is (safe, consensual, mutually enjoyable). Something that is a good in itself, not a means to another end (approval, status, self-esteem, proving yourself, etc).

By: jdregent

jdregent — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 14:13:31 +0000

Lyndsay, I think men and boys are probably raped a lot more often than is known…but I think their offenders are usually also men. Of course there are also women rapists/sexual abusers, but I think that kind of psychological profile is not necessarily the type to be affected by teenage sex talks, do you know what I mean? I’m not sure the issues around women sexual offenders are as normalized in the culture so it’s not a matter of “educating” women not to rape. But I am open to the notion that this is wrong and the incidence of women raping is much higher. I just haven’t yet heard anything that indicates this.

Secondarily I would say that women and girls ARE talked to about rape from a young age in a way that boys aren’t — told not to get drunk in public, dress modestly, don’t walk alone at night, carry your keys out on the way to the car, etc. We are taught to protect ourselves while boys and men are just frozen out of the conversation or else told their role is to “protect” women who are being preyed upon by OTHER men (never themselves).

By: sarah.of.a.lesser.god

sarah.of.a.lesser.god — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 11:38:07 +0000

Klass lost me with the elevator anecdote. Elevator etiquette analysis is all well and good, but trying to link it on an intellectual level to how we teach boys that raping/beating/abusing women is immoral? That’s a leap worthy of Evel Knievel.

By: Lyndsay

Lyndsay — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 04:42:24 +0000

Even though it’s a lot lower than for women, I’m starting to wonder if we underestimate how often males are sexually assaulted. I say males because I wonder how many of these statistics don’t include children and would change if children were included. It is still something done mostly by men to women but I think conversations about consent are important for both sexes. There might be more emphasis depending on if you’re talking to boys and girls but same content.

By: jdregent

jdregent — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 03:53:01 +0000

I think it’s because only men really rape, to a large degree (with obvious and of course horrible exceptions that unfortunately prove the rule). Girls and women can cheat or drink and drive or whatever but not really be rapists except in a minority of cases — it’s not a reality or regular occurrence on the spectrum of female sexuality (am i essentializing?) That’s the part the author refuses to admit and why even acknowledging the frequency and mundaneness of rape automatically makes you into some screaming victimy manhating banshee.

By: PhDork

PhDork — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 02:36:54 +0000

Sarah, I have never heard a good response to this eminently sensible question.

By: SarahMC

SarahMC — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 01:43:26 +0000

Why would “don’t rape” hurt a boy’s feelings (gag me) any more than “don’t steal” or “don’t cheat” or “don’t drink and drive?”

Could it be because male supremacy is SO ingrained in society that challenging it just seems wrong to some people?