I am not a “reality TV” kind of woman. My television preferences come in exactly three flavors: news, baseball, and The Simpsons. I watched American Idol for one season, but aside from that I remain a reality TV virgin. When BeckySharper and Pilgrim Soul discussed the drama of The Real Housewives of NYC, I had to sit on the sidelines and wonder why this stuff was considered entertainment. But now I have been sucked into the swirling, soul-killing vortex of the genre, and all in the name of investigative blogging. I am talking about the hour I wasted last night watching The Cougar.
via rherteux @ flickr
Oops! Wrong kind of cougar in that photo! Please forgive the error. Although that cougar’s face looks spookily like my own befuddled expression after an hour watching the dreck on TV Land last night. The premise of The Cougar is that, since men have been dating younger women “for thousands of years,” it takes reality TV to turn the tables in a bold sociological experiment that will “put an end to that double standard.” Wow, really? Making an easily mocked and heavily scripted reality TV show is going to obliterate ironclad double standards? Gee, it sounds so easy! Maybe next season they can produce a show called Stud-Shaming!
There is one essential problem that I have with the show, and that is its very existence. This is not a blanket condemnation of dating shows, but the fact that The Cougar is based on the fallacy that women have an expiration date, and then turns around and pretends to be making some grand statement about society. The producers are clearly trying to prove that they are doing this in a sly nudge-nudge wink-wink manner, as if to say “Look at how enlightened we are!” But by constantly harping on the woman’s age, whatever larger point they (doubtfully) may be trying to make gets lost amid the half-hearted “age-is-just-a-number-so-stop-focusing-on-it-but-remember-how-awesome-this-show-is-to-have-a-woman-of-a-certain-age” banter between the host, the men, and the cougar herself.
The cougar, if you’re interested, does have a name — not that the producers always seem to think that’s important. Her name is Stacey, but please remember that she is also The Cougar and shall be referred to as such when it pleases the voiceover writers. She’s 40, has four children, and has a job in the real estate profession that seems to have a somewhat nebulous definition. Stacey wants a husband and has taken the perfectly logical step of auditioning twenty men on basic cable television to have the honor of being Mr. Stacey.
It should be noted that Stacey does seem to have a definition of empowerment that is a bit askew from my own, as she says that “it is really empowering to have my choice of twenty men.” Maybe Stacey is of the mind that women’s equality means that a woman can headline a reality TV show that is abso-fucking-lutely fixated on the fact that this is an older woman and thus we can never forget that she is older than the men, not younger, she is older, older, older, older, old. Did I mention the men are younger than Stacey? She is a Cougar, and the viewers will not forget that — in the name of equality! The authoritative voice of host Vivica A. Fox makes it very clear during the premiere episode that nobody cares when older men date younger women, and hence this show will bring balance to that imbalance of the sexes! Except that the whole point of this show is to focus on Stacey’s age and how “daring” this is. Maybe it would be more “daring” to have Stacey starring in a show that does not give a shit about her age, let alone make it the entire basis for the show. By making it The Issue driving the show, the producers fetishize Cougarhood and make it impossible to equate it to the older man/younger woman situation.
The fact is that there is no equation here, no parity between the genders when the significantly older party in a relationship is a man and when it is a woman. For those who think taking offense at the word “cougar” is much ado about nothing, I will repeat my comment on yesterday’s Jezebel post about this phenomenon: Just the fact that we have to give this “phenomenon” a name is ridiculous. What do we call older men who date/marry younger women? Is Michael Douglas a lynx? Is Hugh Hefner a puma? Was Tony Randall a snow leopard? The fact that there’s no corresponding inane term for men just shows that this is something perceived as being outside the norm for women and so there has to be a ridiculous label applied to it.
Now, with that out of the way, I will treat those of you who missed last night’s masterpiece with some epically fantastic cringe-inducing highlights:
- There is a contestant named Colt. A nice young male animal for our female cougar.
- Joe the bartender, who wore a safari hat so he could properly demonstrate that he was hunting for a cougar.
- The contestant who greeted Stacey by saying, “You look way too old to be a cougar.” He meant to say she looks way too young to be a cougar, but whatever.
- The contestant who said, “This is my first cougar experience.”
- The singing contestant who serenaded Stacey with these lyrics: “You like guys under thirty, it doesn’t mean you’re dirty. You like us young and clean, as long as we’re over seventeen.”
- The police officer contestant who introduced himself by saying “You’re under arrest. You stole my heart. You have the right to remain delicious.”
- The bleep-filled exchange between two contestants: an Andy Roddick-doppelganger (who has his own twin as a fellow contestant) and a pretentious twit in an ascot. It started out with them arguing about whether or not “age is just a number” then devolved into the Roddick-doppelganger yelling at the other guy and calling him an “ascot-wearing motherfucker.” Maybe not those exact words, but it was bleepy and he said “ascot,” so I’m sticking with that.
- The contestant who said Stacey was “a grey squirrel I just want to pounce on.” Insert your own “squirrel-and-nuts” joke here.
- The contestant who said “I really hope this cougar likes lamb, because I’m nice and sweet and tender.”
And finally, in what might just be enough to keep me watching this trainwreck…
- The seduction-guaranteed pick-up line: “How’d you like to try an Australian kiss? Like a French kiss, only down under?”
Meow indeed! Now excuse me, ladies. I am going on the prowl for my own tender lamb.
via kayleigh jane @ flickr
The bleep-filled exchange between two contestants: an Andy Roddick-doppelganger (who has his own twin as a fellow contestant) and a pretentious twit in an ascot. It started out with them arguing about whether or not “age is just a number” then devolved into the Roddick-doppelganger yelling at the other guy and calling him an “ascot-wearing motherfucker.” Maybe not those exact words, but it was bleepy and he said “ascot,” so I’m sticking with that.
Oh, SARAH! You’re making me wish I had cable.
I think the appeal of this kind of television is the same appeal of being stuck in traffic and then seeing the accident that caused all the congestion. The more emergency vehicles (or “motherfucker”s uttered or ascots worn), the better. Only at the same time it’s much worse and you sort of feel ill. At least that’s how it is for me.
At least we know empowerfulment doesn’t “have an expiration date” either.
@kithkin: I had NO IDEA what to expect when I turned this on. Besides the rampant sexism, of course. But the actual fuckwittery that transpired blew my mind. And may prove to be my downfall. Because, uh, I need to see if this level of idiocy can be sustained.
Ahem. What is a “reality TV kind of woman”?
@PSoul: Something I thought I wasn’t that last night is making me reevaluate. I considered myself more of a Lord of the Rings kind of woman. Just as I know many people who would never willingly sit through four hours of hobbits, I never believed I would sit through even ten minutes of something like this.
I stand corrected.
Reality TV is yet another reason I’m glad we cancelled cable.
On a semi-related note: the college where I work (and will be taking grad classes this fall, YEEHAW!) has a Cougar as a mascot. Cougarpalooza is a campus event. Cougartrail is where we check our email. Cougarcard is how I pay for parking. The Cougar Club is where alumni hang out before sporting events. It gives me the giggles, all this Cougar stuff. (Not to mention reminds me that it’s creepy that I’m 24, married, and sometimes finding myself thinking the undergrads are cute.)
I would totally watch Stud-Shaming! But only if the exclamation point was part of the title.
Sorta like Jeopardy! eh PhDork?
@PhDork: The exclamation point! would! definitely! stay!
@funnyface: “I’ll take asswipes for $500, Alex.”
My first thought (besides a good ol’ ‘Oh Jeeesus’) when I see commercials for these shows is what about the children?! I’m 26 and got freaked the fuck out when I accidentally stumbled upon my father’s Viagra sampler this past weekend. I cannot imagine being a tween or teen (guessing since she’s 40) and seeing my mom in skimpy clothes, having embarrassingly lame pick-up lines thrown at her. I would, like, just, you know, like, DIE.
@sarah.of.a.lesser.god: Could we add a subtitle? Stud Shaming!: How One Ascot-Wearing Motherfucker Finds True Love in a Sea of People Calling Him a Man-Whore
I might watch that.
@s.o.a.l.g.: As someone who does not watch these shows regularly but has seen several episodes of the Real Housewives franchise and of Millionaire Matchmaker, I can promise you that the level of fuckwittery will only be elevated as the season goes on.
But if you’ll pardon me, I’m in the middle of propositioning everyone I see with an Australian kiss.
Sarahofalesser: I’m NOT a LOTR type of woman. They’re like video sleeping pills as far as I’m concerned. Within 10 minutes, I’m usually sound asleep. I TRIED to like it though!
@funnyface: I had horrific insomnia last night, so I put on the DVD commentary to The Two Towers. And not even director’s commentary, or actor’s commentary. I was listening to the Design Team commentary. Because nothing gets me going like listening to how they sculpted Gollum’s facial expressions and designed the stables for the Rohirrim’s horses!
This is not a joke. If you must mock, please do so behind closed doors.
You know, I might find that behind the scenes stuff really interesting!
I’m pretty impressed one of the contestants knew the word ascot.
@JD: He didn’t. The contestant actually wearing the ascot told him what it was. And he helpfully spelled it out for him: A-S-C-O-T-T.
She’s 40. 40!!!!
Am I the only one that wishes this was a show about an actual cougar, of the feline variety, in the grand tradition of Planet Earth, Nature, and Wild America? Kind of like the prairie dog soap-opera? I’d watch that for sure, especially because it’d be on PBS and we don’t have cable.
I would totally watch an actual cougar attack these listless fellows. Fucking awesome.
@JD: He didn’t. The contestant actually wearing the ascot told him what it was. And he helpfully spelled it out for him: A-S-C-O-T-T.
This just made my day. No, it just made my entire week so far. I thank you for your brave voyage into the murky depths of The Cougar, Sarah.
I’m sorry, I was totally distracted by the cuteness of the REAL cougar photos.
@SarahMC: I know! 40! ZOMG, why isn’t she DEAD yet?
@PilgrimSoul: I believe the correct definition of “reality tv woman” (or man, for that matter) is “self-obsessed attention whore.” Srsly. It’s probably right there in the OED if you look it up.
@SarahMC @BeckySharper: Last night taught me that women’s vaginas don’t fall off when they turn 40. I was mistaken on that point, and I concede that they do indeed still possess their vajayjays. Which means they can still breed, which is the whole point of the femininity enterprise anyway!
@sarah: As long as there’s a vajayjay for men to enjoy, there’s still a reason for women to exist.
And I always thought the “Milf Island” bit on 30 Rock was satire, not product placement.
Feminism makes it hard to watch t.v.
@bellacoker: You just said a mouthful, sister.
I cannot watch this show. The premise, advertising, show name, et al infuriate me much too deeply; for many of the reasons you highlighted above.
If you continue to watch, please update. I’d like to know what happens on this show without actually having to watch.
Did he really say “you’re too old to be a cougar”? The Australian kiss? (Is it bad that I think that’s actually clever?) A guy in a safari hat? A presumably grown man that refers to himself as a tender lamb? A guy wearing an ascot? “You have the right to remain delicious”? A guy in a freaking safari hat? Oh I am laughing so hard, and I know that I really, really shouldn’t. And that Stacy woman thinks it’s empowering to have 20 men to choose from on a cheesy reality show? God help us all.
Lets be honest, the best part of this whole show is in one of the previews where one twin brother says, “Stacy is like a gray squirrel, I just want to pounce on her.” That is followed up by a priceless reaction from his twin brother. Absolutely hilarious. Side note – one of the twins bows out after the first episode. It looked like he was smart enough to realized that a “kiss-off” was absolutely degrading. Well played!
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