Gentle readers, I’ve been meaning to bring this up for some time now, but wanted to find the right way to say it. I know there are those of you who will disagree with me, and that’s fine. But I’m going to get it off my chest nonetheless.
I prefer smaller penises. I do not like great big huge baseball bat donkey dicks.
There, I’ve said it. I choose my choice!
I know we’re all supposed to think “the bigger the better.” Hell, America runs on our obsession with having the biggest whatever: house, SUV, breasts, bucket of chicken wings, etc. And we also believe the same about cocks; as evidenced by the proliferation of exciting “gain 6 inches!” e-mail offers in my spam folder. Our culture loudly proclaims: little dick BAD, big dick GOOD. If you don’t go through life swinging the biggest billy club in town, well, son, you are just not a Real Man. But while bigger may be better for some things—I, for one, would like a bigger bank account—it is simply NOT TRUE when it comes to cocks.
Based on an informal survey of women friends and family—including my fellow Harpies—I think it’s safe to say most of us don’t subscribe to “bigger is better” when it comes to manly equipment. We’re not looking for tiny little gherkin dicks, but we’re definitely not in favor of those big-ass billy clubs either. Personally, I’ve encountered a few unusually large penii in my travels. And with all due respect to Philip, Jeff, Dan and Andy, it really would have been okay with me if their trouser snakes been a little less python-tastic. Here’s why:
1. Big dicks require a lot more foreplay. In order to get them in comfortably, you have to be 100% warmed up and completely relaxed. Which makes quickies a bit challenging, since if you’re NOT 100% warmed up, there will be discomfort. I don’t know about you ladies, but pain cools my ardor very quickly. There’s nothing I hate more than being excited but wincing and gritting my teeth on penetration. Lube helps, but only somewhat, and it’s a drag to carry a bottle of Astroglide with you everywhere.
2. Our vaginas are not bottomless. There’s a little thing called a cervix, and it doesn’t like to be bashed about. Maybe some women out there have unusually deep vadges, but the average vaginal canal is only about 4 inches deep. While the vagina may lengthen or stretch slightly on arousal, the truth is, a 12-inch porn star cock is just not going to fit all the way in—although that doesn’t stop some dudes from trying. Positions like doggy-style, which shortens the vagina further, are pretty fucking ouchy for me when my partner’s really well-hung. Smaller dick, though? No problem.
3. Big dicks require Trojan Magnums and Trojan Magnums are the devil. There’s something about the unusually thick rubbery construction of that particular condom that makes them significantly more drying than any other I’ve ever used. Super-drying condom+big dick+vigorous thrusting=PAINFUL FRICTION. Again, lube helps, but only so much, and frequently pausing to reapply it is a guaranteed boner-killer. I’ve also been told by my partners that Trojan Magnums feel thick and desensitizing, thus prolonging an increasingly uncomfortable experience. I’m not saying I can’t work with Trojan Magnums, but they make everything ten times more difficult. Durex XXL are much better, but Trojan runs a hell of a marketing operation, and dudes—even little-dicked dudes—love that gold-wrapped Magnum, and the way it loudly proclaims “Stand back, ladies! I’m packing a big one!” If only they knew it makes some of us want to run in the opposite direction.
4. Three little letters: TMJ. Some species of snakes can completely unhinge their jaws. I am not one of those snakes.
I know there are women–and men–out there who just can’t get enough of big, bad, super-sized cocks. And more power to you–those men who have them can’t do anything about it, and they shouldn’t be lonely. But I call bullshit on our society’s obsessive need to value size above everything else. All things being equal, I’m much happier with six inches than twelve.