Comments on: That’s Easy For You To Say

By: An Update on Assweasels - The Pursuit of Harpyness

An Update on Assweasels - The Pursuit of Harpyness — Sat, 02 May 2009 22:20:51 +0000

[...] So ladies, I have an update to my Friday post about my friend and her possibly assweaselly suitor . [...]

By: absurdbeats

absurdbeats — Sat, 02 May 2009 21:50:29 +0000

Assweasel.

Not for his desires, but for being forty-f**king-three years old and not bothering to think about those desires.

By: Nanella

Nanella — Sat, 02 May 2009 18:12:12 +0000

Er, make that “young enough to be his daughter”. Or the creepy immature perv in the midst of a mid-life crisis is old enough to be her father…Whichever!

By: Nanella

Nanella — Sat, 02 May 2009 17:50:08 +0000

Ditto Marylynn! The cavalier attitude towards IVF (that flagrant lack of regard for all the crap a woman undergoing these procedures and treatments has to endure) is definitely sneer-worthy, but a guy gets maturity points from me for not using his ticking biological clock as an excuse to shop around for a mate old enough to be his daughter (or thereabouts). He sounds like he might be trainable, if your friend has the patience and likes everything else about him.

By: mysterygirl!

mysterygirl! — Fri, 01 May 2009 22:54:57 +0000

Marylynn, you took the words out of my mouth.

By: marylynn

marylynn — Fri, 01 May 2009 22:45:04 +0000

I agree that he’s an asshat, but I can’t quite work out whether I think he’s better or worse than the 45 year olds who will only date women in their 20s because those women have fresh eggs.

You know the ones I’m talking about – on their Match.com profile it lists their age as 45 but says they’re only interested in women from 18 to 29 and are looking to settle down. They’re womb-shopping! They’ve suddenly decided they want children but aren’t going to deal with having to support a woman near their own age with these issues of late maternal age, infertility and the adoption question. So while I think he’s kind of a jerk for being so dismissive of adoption and treating the concerns of a woman in having to deal with the fertility madness but I also think maybe he’s got to get a little bit less distain for at least dating a woman near his own age.

By: DirtyLaundry

DirtyLaundry — Fri, 01 May 2009 21:50:23 +0000

I also don’t like the argument that people who want biological children are selfish because there are millions of children that need to be adopted. I also find it interesting that these types of arguments come from childless people.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to have biological children and wanting to go through the process of being pregnant.

I think as someone said before this guy is just ignorant about fertility treatments. Until a few years ago I didn’t even know the ins and outs of IVF. But Becky as you mentioned this was there second date. How was he to know she had been through IVF before, maybe if he did he would not have mentioned it.

By: ShinyObjects

ShinyObjects — Fri, 01 May 2009 19:41:46 +0000

elibard, thanks for sharing your experience. Interesting to see how far apart perception and reality are in our culture when it comes to fertility treatments. I agree that attitudes such as this guy’s are assweasely. Though as others mentioned above, wanting biological kids shouldn’t make someone “selfish.” We shouldn’t judge how people build their families. As in this case, for a guy to be unwilling to consider adoption in lieu of IVF etc. is unfair. For a couple to hope it works out “the old fashioned way” before moving on to other options is entirely reasonable.

By: elibard

elibard — Fri, 01 May 2009 18:48:54 +0000

And no, BeckySharper – you did NOT overreact!

By: elibard

elibard — Fri, 01 May 2009 18:32:34 +0000

A couple of reactions:

1) Clearly the guy is clueless AND insensitive, to be both so cavalier about her body (grrr) and so blasee about fertility treatments. Good lord, it’s that kind of “it’s the woman’s job” attitude that feeds the flames of societal gender imbalances.

2) At the same time, until I needed fertility treatments, I really had no clue how screwed up they would be, and how much they would mess with my body AND mind. And I knew a heck of a lot about it already from having written about reproductive technologies as a science writer. I knew the TECHNICAL aspects. Not how heart-wrenching they’d be. I really didn’t understand the depth of both how infrequently fertility treatments actually work (having read about “the miracles” regularly – and then getting told we only had a six percent chance of success, though there was no specific issue), and how all the hormones really, really screw up your brain. (Not to mention longterm effects – those I was aware of)

Now, on the other side, knowing just how slim a chance we had, and how much science went into making our baby happen, he seems all the more “miraculous” that we conceived and I carried him to term at all. All the platitudes have new meaning for me. So I feel like giving many men (and women) some slack for not knowing that medicine can’t fix everything. I feel like I and many women I know got sold a bill of goods that was faulty in terms of how good and successful fertility treatments can be – and how late. I’m not surprised that men – who tend to put off the issue even more than women – get taken unawares, too.

However, that DOES NOT excuse this guy’s being so friggin’ cavalier about what is really very serious, and what will wreak havoc on HER body. Especially since it’s clearly on HIS mind already. This guy needs to read some recent research. I’d be happy to send your friend some links.