Sometimes I have to shake my head in disbelief at the ads that Gmail shows me when I go to check my inbox. Here is a sampling (with the actual site names redacted):
What Really Attracts Men – 10 Secrets To Attracting Your Man Get Him Hooked for Good! — Where did this come from? Seriously. I don’t remember writing a missive to a friend bemoaning my status as a singleton and wondering why I can’t bewitch a man.
Funny Quote of the Day – James Thurber – “Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.” — Hahaha, what a knee-slapper that is! I almost peed myself laughing so hard! Ahem. Funny FAIL.
Women Stand and Pee – Women neatly pee while standing. without dropping your drawers! — Yay, feminism has triumphed! I can now pee while standing!
Tips On How To Kiss – Proven Kiss Tips You Can Use To Make Any Woman Melt — Oh, fuck off.
Tickle Any Womans’ Foot – How to convince Any Woman to let you tickle her feet. — Unless your name is James Franco, you are not getting anywhere near my feet.
Women From Brazil – They Are So Beautiful. Visit Our Site And Make Your Choice Amigo! — NO NO NO
50 Hottest Sci-Fi Women – [site name] Counts Down The 50 Hottest Women — Really? This may be because some of my emails have mentioned my love of Star Wars, but that does not mean I need gratuitous shots of Princess Leia in the gold bikini.
What Makes a Good Wife? – See if you’ve got what it takes to be a Good Wife with this Free Quiz Let me guess — this probably spews BS about patience and deference and countless blow jobs.
Barrack Obama – 1 Minute Poll – Barrack Obama What grade would Barack Obama get? — Could you at least try to spell the President’s name right?
Now, let’s soldier on to the Facebook ads!
Top 3 Mistakes Women Make: The 3 most dangerous mistakes you probably make with men and what to do about it. — So, this will take you to a website called “Hook That Guy!” with this valuable advice:
– How to use powerful emotional “triggers” to practically FORCE a man to fall for you (He’ll know you’re “the one” for him from the first day you meet).
-What the male brain is like and how attraction works for them. [Ed: Maybe they just need to see boobies?]
White Teeth For Christmas – Learn about the secret teeth whitening combination discovered by a mom who finally turned her yellow teeth white. — Guess my Jewish self won’t be getting a new set of pearlie whites from Santa. Bummer.
Dr. Laura LIVE – In Praise of Mom in movie theaters May 5th and 6th. Buy tickets now! — Facebook clearly did not read my post about Dr. Laura’s bullshit book.
My Stretchmarks Cleared! Learn how I cleared my Stretchmarks in just 14 Days! This is accompanied by a lovely picture of a pregnant belly, probably picking up on my earlier status updates that were gestation-related. The message is “OMG PREGNANCY MAKES YOU HUGE SO WE’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO HELP YOU FORGET YOU EVER LOOKED LIKE THIS!” So here is my response: I like my stretchmarks, asshole. They’re like battle scars. So fuck off.
Who’s Ur Future Husband? – Will one of your friends be your future husband? Just enter your two names and horoscope signs to find out who! — Well, I don’t really have any close guy friends, except my cousin and that’s obviously out of the question. So, all you Harpies (and readers) are on notice: one of you will eventually be my husband. Also, “your” is not a difficult word to spell.