In Which I Am RADICALLY Skeeved Out

Gentle readers, sometimes an experience comes along that’s just so WRONG and FUCKED UP that I have to share it with y’all. I just conveyed it to the Harpies, and they were unanimously shocked, appalled and dismayed, so now it’s your turn.

Here’s the thing: I have an ad on a popular on-line dating website. It’s one I’ve used on and off for many years now. I have a couple not-boyfriends who keep me happy, but those relationships are casual ones and the search for the future Mr. BeckySharper is ongoing. I am always interviewing new candidates.

Now, I’ve had a lot of success with this particular site, including three long-term relationships and several fun short-term ones. My college roommate even met her husband on this site after I persuaded her to give it a go. I’ve gone on a couple good dates already since I put the ad up two weeks ago.

Today I had been e-mailing back and forth with a likely suspect–cute, employed, lives in NYC, gives good banter, appears to have similar interests–and after a few e-mails, gave him my hotmail account so we could continue the banter without all the passwords and log-ins on the dating site.  We were discussing generic “get to know ya” stuff: where we grew up, where we live now, what we like to do in our spare time. Not sexual, not even flirtatious. And then, out of the blue and apropos of nothing, he sends me another e-mail, one which left my jaw hanging and offended even MY sensibilities:  

i’ve been sitting here in my office trying to concentrate but impure thoughts keep running through my mind – if i were a medieval peasant i’d probably be self-flagellating by now

i prop you on your pillow as i begin to [redacted] your [redacted] and [redacted] with my [redacted] and [redacted]…working in unison as your moans grow louder and louder…you cant believe how good it feels to have my [redacted] probing your [redacted] as sensitively as i am…i sit back and admire the gorgeous site [sic!] sprawled out before me…i kneel down to kiss your [redacted] my [redacted] is [redacted] as i [redacted] it…gently [redacted] your [redacted] as i feel you [redacted] 

He goes on in this vein for a full page, y’all.

It ends:

i realize that was really presumptuous
we haven’t even met and now you probably think i’m some sort of perverted midget or something – but alas i’m just a man sans filter

Presumptuous? Sans filter? What the fucking fuck? It was presumptuous and sans filter times 1,000, you assweasel! Who sends this kind of thing to someone he’s never met, who’s never given even the slightest indication of wanting to receive anything like it? Nowhere in my ad does it say “please send me your best poorly written porn fantasy for consideration.” I suppose the dude thought that my having a personals ad and corresponding with him was invitation enough–the same way a date rapist assumes that if you allow him into your dorm room, well, you know…

I gotta tell you, I didn’t know quite what to do at first.  But the more I thought about it, the angrier I got.  And it occurred to me that this was the on-line version of the scenario I described to y’all in “A Very Disturbing Conversation.” I needed to take my own advice from that post, which is: BE A BITCH.

So I wrote back: 

Are you fucking kidding me?  You’ve never even met me–why on earth would you send this to someone you’ve never met, who you were just having a perfectly normal conversation with?  Ugh. This has creepy stalker written all over it. Don’t contact me again.

And the reply?:

wow. this wasn’t the response I was expecting.

PhDork’s response to that?  ”Likewise, ya DOUCHE!”  I’m amazed; he really seemed to think that that super-skeevy e-mail would light the flame of my ardor. Instead, I just feel like I need a Silkwood shower.

Anyhoo, said douche has now been blocked from my hotmail and my personals ad. At least I got his full name from his e-mail. I’m half-tempted to reveal it here for the benefit of future Google searches, but I’ll let sleeping dogs lie. For now. Emphasis on DOGS.