Gentle readers, sometimes an experience comes along that’s just so WRONG and FUCKED UP that I have to share it with y’all. I just conveyed it to the Harpies, and they were unanimously shocked, appalled and dismayed, so now it’s your turn.
Here’s the thing: I have an ad on a popular on-line dating website. It’s one I’ve used on and off for many years now. I have a couple not-boyfriends who keep me happy, but those relationships are casual ones and the search for the future Mr. BeckySharper is ongoing. I am always interviewing new candidates.
Now, I’ve had a lot of success with this particular site, including three long-term relationships and several fun short-term ones. My college roommate even met her husband on this site after I persuaded her to give it a go. I’ve gone on a couple good dates already since I put the ad up two weeks ago.
Today I had been e-mailing back and forth with a likely suspect–cute, employed, lives in NYC, gives good banter, appears to have similar interests–and after a few e-mails, gave him my hotmail account so we could continue the banter without all the passwords and log-ins on the dating site. We were discussing generic “get to know ya” stuff: where we grew up, where we live now, what we like to do in our spare time. Not sexual, not even flirtatious. And then, out of the blue and apropos of nothing, he sends me another e-mail, one which left my jaw hanging and offended even MY sensibilities:
i’ve been sitting here in my office trying to concentrate but impure thoughts keep running through my mind – if i were a medieval peasant i’d probably be self-flagellating by now
i prop you on your pillow as i begin to [redacted] your [redacted] and [redacted] with my [redacted] and [redacted]…working in unison as your moans grow louder and louder…you cant believe how good it feels to have my [redacted] probing your [redacted] as sensitively as i am…i sit back and admire the gorgeous site [sic!] sprawled out before me…i kneel down to kiss your [redacted] my [redacted] is [redacted] as i [redacted] it…gently [redacted] your [redacted] as i feel you [redacted]
He goes on in this vein for a full page, y’all.
It ends:
i realize that was really presumptuous
we haven’t even met and now you probably think i’m some sort of perverted midget or something – but alas i’m just a man sans filter
Presumptuous? Sans filter? What the fucking fuck? It was presumptuous and sans filter times 1,000, you assweasel! Who sends this kind of thing to someone he’s never met, who’s never given even the slightest indication of wanting to receive anything like it? Nowhere in my ad does it say “please send me your best poorly written porn fantasy for consideration.” I suppose the dude thought that my having a personals ad and corresponding with him was invitation enough–the same way a date rapist assumes that if you allow him into your dorm room, well, you know…
I gotta tell you, I didn’t know quite what to do at first. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. And it occurred to me that this was the on-line version of the scenario I described to y’all in “A Very Disturbing Conversation.” I needed to take my own advice from that post, which is: BE A BITCH.
So I wrote back:
Are you fucking kidding me? You’ve never even met me–why on earth would you send this to someone you’ve never met, who you were just having a perfectly normal conversation with? Ugh. This has creepy stalker written all over it. Don’t contact me again.
And the reply?:
wow. this wasn’t the response I was expecting.
PhDork’s response to that? ”Likewise, ya DOUCHE!” I’m amazed; he really seemed to think that that super-skeevy e-mail would light the flame of my ardor. Instead, I just feel like I need a Silkwood shower.
Anyhoo, said douche has now been blocked from my hotmail and my personals ad. At least I got his full name from his e-mail. I’m half-tempted to reveal it here for the benefit of future Google searches, but I’ll let sleeping dogs lie. For now. Emphasis on DOGS.
I can’t help but laugh as I read the paragraph with all of the [redacted] bits in it. It’s like assweasel Mad-Libs!
It’s like a Nixon tape with all those redacteds! I [expletive deleted] hope that [expletive deleted] learned his [expletive deleted] lesson!
Yowza. How revolting and creepy. I’m so sorry to hear that, BeckySharper. I once had a guy (after one date) send me a bunch of obscene emails about all the things he’d like to do to me. Please, let me start off the Fanny Hill talk.
I also feel bad because the “site” part really made my head jerk back.
@magda: what’s ironic is that in certain situations, I love a little Fanny Hill talk. Of course, by “certain situations” I mean, “from men I know and am dating!” But with no warning, when we’d just been talking about totally mundane stuff? Yikes!
And yeah, in the midst of my jaw-hanging horror, I snorted at the “site.” Bad spelling just adds further insult, y’know?
What is his career, writing the terrible “sexy” fiction excerpts in the back of Cosmo?
Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh! How awful and weird and violating. You know how cats are when something they don’t like happens, with the wandering around in circles shaking their heads at themselves and making irritated burbling noises? That is what I’m doing right now on your behalf.
It’s not the reaction he expected because he is an entitled jerkass who believes his desire is the best and most coveted precious gift on god’s green earth. Maybe he expected “omg i am so hot rite now”?
Also, the “perverted midget” (charming!) bit leads me to believe you had only exchanged face pictures, which makes the whole thing even creepier IMO. It’s not like he even has any vague idea of what your [redacted]s look like.
I confess I am totally in awe of your response. Meek little me probably would have just deleted the email and flipped my laptop shut in horror.
Oh man. The best part of this post is the exclamation point after the [sic!]. Heh.
That and also, why is it ok to make fun of midgets, mr. creepy stalker of presumably normative height?
“alas i’m just a man sans filter”
’round here we call those “creepy jerks”.
is that supposed to be some kind of excuse? like at the man factory they forgot part F-112 Skeeve Filter? other men got one installed and you didn’t, so oh well, i hope you enjoy? weird.
@kithkin: See, deleting it and snapping my laptop shut was definitely the first thing that crossed my mind. But then I started getting angry, and I think being angry when someone violates your personal space–even if it’s the personal space on your hotmail account–is just so much more USEFUL. And I really did think about that other incident where my friend was afraid to be a bitch when a guy was pawing her and I thought, “you know, I should walk the walk and BE A BITCH with this guy!”
And it never occurred to me to think he might actually BE a weirdo midget! I did see pictures, but you’re right, they were more face/torso pictures. Maybe he’s got no legs or something!
[redacted]‘s little fake apology at the end is just the icing on the [redacted] cake. I’m proud of you for being a bitch, Becky. That was invasive, and presumptuous, and I highly doubt that this guy really lacks a filter. Just like guys who give in the urge to rape their dates but don’t give in to the other urge to punch their bosses, he made a rational choice based on what he knows male privilege allows, and because he’s used to women being nice to make him comfortable.
Thanks so much for telling this douche off. I’m so tired of guys thinking it’s okay to send pictures of their penises, or just being verbally icky, to complete strangers. What the hell is wrong with showing good manners?
I am so proud of your response. What’s creepy is how he like flipped the switch on skeev, did his little performance, then turned it off before closing the email with a faux embarassed explanation. He didn’t expect your response because the only women he’s ever dealt with have been porn actresses on his computer.
I really can’t understand what would make anyone think that’s OK. This is your brain on testosterone + privilege?
Are any of those “redacted”s referring to a falafel or loofah?
@Mireille: Even Bill O’Reilly would have been skeeved by the actual e-mail. Seriously, I didn’t even bother to redact and display the creepiest parts. Let’s just say he followed the sex scenario all the way to its logical…uh…conclusion.
Let’s just say he followed the sex scenario all the way to its logical…uh…conclusion.
A punch to the testicles?
Holy fucking shit. That was INSANELY presumptuous of him. Unfortunately, he doesn’t even appear to write good erotica. Ew.
@BeckySharper: Yeah, timing/sensitivity is key to getting all Fanny Hill. I’ve had to correct random people for not being into this — “No, I’m only ‘frigid’ with you.”
@SarahMC: “This is your brain on testosterone + privilege?” — brilliant.
@HanaMaru: I hadn’t thought of it that way and now I’m just skeeved out by the world. Even more than I already was. (Bad call to watch the Frontline on sex trafficking.)
@s.o.l.a.g:
Afraid not:
“i want to [redacted] with you, so i time it just perfectly…as you feel those [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] through you, i suddenly [redacted] and [redacted], exhausted and spent after [redacted]…gripping your [redacted] as we both lie there…covered in sweat and oil.”
BLARGGGGGGHHHH!
Wow. Presumptuous doesn’t even begin to cover it. I bet he thought his little “apology” was so charming, too.
lol @sarah.o.a.l.g.
Becky, his response to YOUR response is kind of hilarious. What did he expect you to say?
@BeckySharper: He brought oil? BLARGH indeed. I don’t know why, but that just magnifies the skeevitude tenfold.
I need to take a shower.
Ugh! I’d like to redact some of those creeps from existence.
I had it happen to me similarly on a dating site once. I had exchanged a few emails with one guy and he asked if I had am IM account – luckily, I have several and gave him a rarely used one. We were chatting one afternoon, perfectly normally about work and his kids and then he asks “What’s the most daring thing you ever did?” which seemed like an odd question but okay and I think “I’ve never been skydiving or anything like that…” and proceed to tell him about how I moved to NYC after grad school blah blah blah. To which he replies about how he once shaved his balls.
Which is (1) totally uncalled for and gross and (2) not even that daring! I called him on it, told him that was completely rude and never to contact me again.
@kelsium: Yeah, I spared you the description of the hot oil massage that preceded the redacted action.
Seriously, it wouldn’t surprise me if the dude cut and pasted this from some on-line sex letters database. It was sort of predictable in its generic grossness.
Big round of applause for having the courage to tell him how obnoxious he is. And another round of applause to SarahMC for hitting the nail on the head with the privilege + testosterone thing.
And also this? Is an example of how porn can ruin people’s abilities to know what is normal or appropriate in real world situations (see also: the expectation that all women are hairless).
@Endora: I agree with you about porn, but I think it’s less about what is appropriate in real world situations and more about blurring the line between what is real and what is constructed fantasy that has absolutely nothing to do with reality. This creep sent BeckySharper this email having never met her, or even seen her. The entire thing is predicated on her fulfilling this fantasy he has constructed of her as his perfect, willing woman, and by sending this email he is asking her to confirm his fantasy by accepting it even though it does not really involve her except in that she has a vagina. To me, it is about the fact that porn and the internet and the inseparability of the two give men an excuse to use real women that they meet online, who are no more or less real women to them than the actresses in porn, as masturbatory aids.
Um. End rant.
The ONLY thing good about this terrible, paint-by-numbers porn scenario he sent is that it spared you meeting him in person. Dear gawd, can you imagine?
HA ha ha ha ha ha.
Omigod. Some men. So pathetic. So desperate.
Well-dodged.
@Kelsium: yes, that’s what I was getting at, but it’s after my bedtime here and I couldn’t quite get my thoughts together–you hit the nail on the head, though.
Also, me using the phrase hit the nail on the head twice in two messages is really a sign I need to get my ass to bed.
But yeah, online porn has made some people unable to tell the line between real life and fantasy. Although maybe this guy is just a douchebag even without it. (And douchebag is my least favourite word in the whole entire world).
Congratulations on avoiding meeting the dude, BeckySharper.
That just reminds me of this: http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com/ (which can get essentialist and sexist sometimes but entertains me every once and awhile nevertheless).
I just spent far too much time trying to figure out what all those “redacted”s were – but am v. v. v. glad you left them out.
I’m actually surprised your response was so concise and fairly polite. I think I would have told him exactly where he could stick his [redacted].
OMG waxghost, that site! I see what you mean about the essentialism stuff, but phrases like this:
will send me back there again and again.
This just gave me a flashback to an experience I had several months ago.
And Kelsium: that whole post pretty much perfectly sums it up.
This just adds to my thought lately that there should be a “Ask BeckySharper” blog about dating and relationships! You have such a wealth of experiences (unfortunately this one too!), and I have so many questions!
Ewwwwwwwwwww. I bet this guy was in AOL chatrooms doing a/s/l style cybering back when he was like 14 and now dirty talk with strangers is a deeply-rooted part of his sexuality.
Tragic.
Anyway, good on you for bitching him out about it. Maybe he’ll think twice next time.
@lasooz: I’m starting to think my dating approach is boiling down to BE A BITCH, since it appears that’s been my response in the last three posts I’ve written about dating!
But y’all can feel free to e-mail me through the site and ask away. I can’t promise to be as good as Dan Savage but I’ve definitely got experience and opinions.
Laughing my (redacted) off.
Well played Becky!
Becky, that whole scenario had be laughing to the point of tears. (Don’t worry, it was a sad, world-weary laughter.) WTF was he thinking?! That guy is a total sac à douche (pardon my French), and your response was perfect.
Funnily enough, I was disturbed by this:
if i were a medieval peasant i’d probably be self-flagellating by now
Not only inaccurate, but tells a lot more about his Catholic guilt than anyone would ever want to know.
LOLOLOLOL at all the [redacted].
awesome response the only thing better would have been if you’d written: I have your name asshole, so if you ever contact me again I’m forwarding this to your mother.
PhDork, yep.
Happily, he didn’t also send a photo meant to entice you. That would have been worse.
Now that ain’t fair. Dogs are good people.
Seriously, WTF. WTF.
Good for you for giving him hell.
@Laughingrat: You know, I did have a twinge of conscience after I wrote that, thinking “why malign dogs like that?”
Although this was a bit like how dogs compulsively hump everything in sight at the most inappropriate moments. Before they’re neutered, that is.
“Covered in sweat and OIL?” Oil?! Seriously?
I love your response, I would have replied back with his origional dirty story but changing key words to make it about kicking his ass/removing key parts of his anatomy, but that’s me
I was getting all hot and bothered by his prose until I read “site”. DING!
OK, not really — what a tone deaf and presumptuous email to receive. But how much worse is it that it’s MISSPELLED?
‘If you liked it, then you shoulda put a filter on it’
@Aint I A Woman: HA! Love it.