Her mother, my Italian Catholic Nana, would NEVER describe herself as a “woman’s libber” (I don’t think she would’ve even known what to do w/ the F-word, God rest her soul). BUT she was crazy adamant about women having control over their reproductive systems. “Who is some old man in a funny hat in Rome to tell ME how many children to have?!” She stopped going to church over this issue (she was one of 11 children of an immigrant couple, and she also often railed against the preferential treatment her brothers received as she was growing up). She was an incredible woman.

My dad also considers himself a feminist (and although he often FAILS, he does try). He was raised by exceptionally strong women (his mom and grandmother) after his father left the family and (here’s why he sort of fails at feminism) he finds women to be superior to men. He’s cute, and his mother is one of the most incredible women I’ve ever known, as is his little sister, my Aunt, a fierce feminist whose raised two pretty cool young men.

I wasn’t really able to fully articulate my personal feminism until college, but it was there, lurking in the background, my whole life, thanks to the brave women who raised me.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Harpy Mommies out there and thanks for sharing on this great post!

Growing up we followed her example rather than having open discussions about feminism and certainly differences were made between me, my sister and my brother, we were all expected to go to college and to get good jobs, we were all treated the same.

That said my mum recently said she felt she should have talked to me more about what it meant to be a feminist growing up, possibly she should but we have great conversations now and she set a fine example in my opinion.

Despite being in a weird Catholic place with regard to sex and the body, she was pretty open with me during major points in puberty and took me to the doctor when I started having sex so I could get on the pill.

There are some things I see as contradictions about my mom’s feminism, but she’d hardly be human if she didn’t have contradictions. Politically, I don’t get her at all. Maybe because she and Dad are from the Reagan generation, or they made it to the minor leagues from the working class, or because it’s fashionable in the town where they live, but they’re really active in the local GOP. This is a cause of conflict for Dad (who gets pouty when I complain about the patriarchy), but if it bothers Mom then I haven’t heard about it.

I know Mom has had to sacrifice a lot for her feminism; she is a total black sheep in both her and especially in Dad’s family. She hasn’t had a lot of enduring friendships, which might help to explain why I have very few friends–I never had a real model for what a woman’s long term friendship with another woman looked like until I was already a teenager–and I think that’s because there are many things which a feminist simply cannot abide that are ubiquitous in so many social contexts. She and I are closer now than ever. That may have to do with the fact that I’m living away now, but it is also I think that she sees me as an ally lately. That makes me immeasurably proud.

It’s actually my dad, who is DEFINITELY not a feminist, who has helped me to be such a strong young woman. I honestly believe that my dad has treated me almost exactly as he would have treated a son growing up, and I think that’s awesome. He shared his interests and talents with me, regardless of our different genders. He tried to get me interested in sports, cars, and rock and roll. He taught me how to change a tire and play the guitar. He engaged me in intellectual conversations. My dad is probably the reason I am so independent and well-rounded, and the way he has treated me my whole life might be the reason I am a feminist.

My siblings and I never really grew up with chores. If we do chores, we do them as a family.

But I don’t know, she just has all these inconsistencies about the way she feels about gender (ex: she and my dad go to the gay parade every year, yet she tells the kids she takes care of that boys shouldn’t wear nail polish). And it’s assumed that all of my siblings and I should have babies, since my mom is obsessed with babies. Also, since my parents immigrated to the US 12 years ago, she’s become an unfulfilled housewife type. This happens to a lot of women I know who move to another country because of their husband’s career and get stuck there. Not feminist.

So yeah, who knows? Overall, I’m a feminist because of her, but in recent years, my understanding of feminism has become more complicated, and she has come off her pedestal. This is the same process I went through with the Spice Girls.

She’s worked her whole life, but has been divorced for most of that time, and now openly says she wants a rich man who can take care of her and that she wishes she had married rich like her sisters. And tells me I should get a wealthy dude.

She slapped a People magazine about teen pregnancy down on the table when I was 9 and told me “THAT’s why you don’t have sex until marriage”. I think that was (is) at the root of a lot of deep-seated insecurities and fears I have about sex, although I am working on them.

And she is constantly bemoaning the fact that I don’t take enough of an interest in my appearance and am too bookish. Subtext: How Do You Expect to Catch a Man.

In short: we are polar opposites. It’s infuriating. But I am trying to understand that she is a product of a specific (pretty messed up) background and to have compassion about it, but it really makes my life difficult sometimes because I really get the feeling that she has no understanding for the kind of person I want to be.