Hey jackass! This is your brain on Dudely Privilege. Via thelulubean @ Flickr.
Yesterday I had a good long chat with a former assistant of mine. She was hands-down the best assistant I ever had, and as a result of being so awesome and gifted, she now runs her own show at a different company. These days we’re just plain friends instead of boss and assistant and she occasionally asks me for advice. This makes me feel old, but since I had an amazing mentor/friend of my own when I was her age, it also makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and want to sing “Circle of Life.”
Ms. Protegee just came to a very important crossroads in her career–the first performance evaluation for an assistant of her own. She and I have talked about said assistant before. Unfortunately, he is an eager young practitioner of Dudely Privilege. He was hired to assist both another (male) executive and Protegee, but is so eager to achieve a senior-level job that he’s apparently forgotten that he needs to do an entry-level job first. So he doesn’t. Tasks are neglected, projects are half-finished, and all the while he muses aloud to Protegee about all the amazing projects of his own that he could acquire only he had a corner office.
Dude has been in this job for three months. Before that, he was in college.
Protegee reminded him, at first gently, and then slightly more forcefully, that he needs to get his shit together and do this job before he’ll ever be promoted. He just sheepishly smirked and ignored her. She said to me: “If someone had told me when I was an assistant that I was royally screwing up, I’d have wanted to cry.” But not Young Dude. Her pointed advice slid off him like water off a duck.
Now when women get criticism–constructive or not–they tend to take it personally and pay attention. We’ve been conditioned to respond to personal comments, especially negative ones (which leads to all kinds of problems for us, but that’s another post for another time). Dudes, on the other hand, especially bright young priviledged dudes, just slag it off. Society has endowed them with a sense of entitlement and jackass confidence that has mostly bypassed their female counterparts.
Ms. Protegee was clearly struggling to decide what to do with Young Dude’s performance evaluation. Young Dude had already written his section of the evaluation, detailing his plans to move up the ladder ASAP. Needless to say, Protegee was annoyed as hell at his presumption. But while she could state very clearly to me how Young Dude was falling down on the job, but she was bit conflicted about doing what she truly needed to, which was to whip out that performance evaluation and BE A BITCH.
Fortunately, she’d come to the right place, because these days it seems I am all about dispensing that advice, be it to my friends or myself. So while Protegee ate some leftover bacon cake from my birthday party, I made my case for her to BE A BITCH.
Women are continually being told: Don’t be critical. Don’t be confrontational. Play nicely with others. Don’t get upset. It’s a message hammered into us in a million ways, both subtle and unsubtle. So when we’re told to judge the performance of others, it’s understandable that some of us balk. Coming right out and saying that someone lousy at his job, or has a bad attitude, or does not deserve a promotion is surprisingly hard, even when you’re in charge. Hell, I’m hardly a shrinking violet, but it’s taken me years to be able to write negative performance evaluations without feeling a twinge of guilt, as though I’m somehow being mean to that person.
This is what I tell myself when I have to do it: Becky, you’re not being a bitch in a bad way. Evaluation is your job. It helps them as well as you. These days, I also know how to dish it without sounding harsh or judge-y, which could make the evaluation less effective.
I told Protegee, “You don’t have to say Young Dude blows me off. You can phrase it as objective statements of fact: When I ask Young Dude to complete certain tasks, it takes more than a day for him to finish them or Young Dude’s writing is still not satisfactory, despite several discussions about how he could improve it. It’s not being mean or–God forbid–all emotional about it. It’s simply stating that there is a job to do and he ain’t doing it.”
I also impressed on her in my best feminazi bonerkiller way that his Dudely Privilege must be called out. We work in a female-dominated industry. Young Dude needs to cut that shit out, pronto, or he won’t last long. Granted, his entitlement complex is not entirely exclusive to dudes. I once fired a young bunny who told me that her Ivy League degree made it difficult for her to do office work because “it’s not where I envisioned my education leading.” But in this case, Young Dude is most definitely blowing off Protegee at least partly because she’s female; he does not cop the same ‘tude with the male executive he works for. I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he’s not doing this intentionally–he’s just acting the way society has always allowed bright young dudes to act. Getting an honest performance evaluation about how his work’s falling short–and from a woman–could be a very useful wakeup call. Even if it doesn’t get him to change his behavior, it could convince him that this might not be the right job for him. And if he insists on staying, it puts the bad behavior on the record so Protegee can fire his ass in a few months if there’s no improvement.
Have any of you ladies ever had to BE A BITCH in the workplace? Did you have to get over initial qualms, or were you just a natural-born bitch? Please share…
I’ve never had to deal with someone quite as obnoxious as Young Dude*, but whenever I have to deliver criticism, I always frame it in factual, objective terms (eg, this is what happened and it’s bad because…) and give examples. It’s not about being a bitch, just saying, “There are expectations and you’re not meeting them.”
It took some practice because, you know, you don’t want to get someone in trouble with the higher-ups, etc., but I came to realize you’re not doing anyone a favor by giving undeserved performance reviews. I recently had a colleague who was fired, and I think the company would have done so ages ago if her previous boss had bothered to do an actual review rather than just checking off the “met expectations” box for everything. (I led a report that she contributed plagarized material to, which was merely one of many incidents.)
*I did once get this email from a subcontractor, though.
I’m a natural-born bitch in the workplace. I try to be full of sweetness and light, but I can never maintain that facade for too long. I can’t seem to stop myself from making pointed comments and asking uncomfortable questions in meetings. However, I’ve never been in a managerial position, so I have no idea how I’d act were I in an actual position of authority…
Natural born, I’m afraid, and it has always gotten me “in trouble.” In my first real job I tried to be a good little girl the way Mama taught me and quickly discovered it got me nowhere with the macho male bosses. As soon as I started saying things like “ASAP” and generally being bitchy (by, you know, demanding things I needed to do my job rather than asking sweetly and not getting them) I started getting results.
But it’s really always been a no-win situation for me. Either I can be sweet and well-liked, which includes letting people walk all over me and generally hating myself for it, or I can stand up for myself and get what I need in addition to a bad reputation for being a bitch. A reputation earned by doing the EXACT SAME STUFF that male colleagues have done with no one batting an eyelash.
Years ago I was in a situation where a male vendor was a huge asshole to me in a way that was clearly because I was female and disagreed with him. He didn’t back down until one of the male big bosses chewed him out about talking to one of “his girls” that way. I was fuming over every aspect of the situation to my female supervisor. She told me that I was “a ballsy broad” and that I would need to learn to handle men acting this way toward me. And she was right.
Does it still suck that people think I’m a bitch for sticking up for myself and doing what I need to do? Yep. But I can’t be concerned about what other people think of me. Though that is easier said than done at times.
My, that was a ramble.
I am known as a bitch, but sometimes it’s useful. This week’s adventure in male undergraduate privilege: this kid signed up for 9 credits of lab work. That’s 9 hours per week. He showed up for 6 hours. Total. All semester. It came to finals week, and the staff member in charge warned him that he was failing. He worked 8 more hours.
He is seriously trying to argue for a C. He worked 14 out of 135 hours and doesn’t understand why we can’t give him a C because “he worked so hard this week”. Oh, and he wants to go to law school, he’s a junior, and he seems to think that he can get in despite his grades if he just does well on the LSAT.
The staff member actually feels BAD for him and wanted to give him a passing grade because she understands that Ds and Fs have long-term implications, even if he doesn’t understand that. I argued her down. I am a bitch, but I am a bitch with math.
At another school where I was before, a girl’s PARENTS argued that she deserved a better grade than she got, but at least it wasn’t the girl herself.
@FashionablyEvil: I’m not sure what’s more offensive about that e-mail, the jackass tone, or the bad spelling/grammar. Somehow the fact that it’s so poorly written makes it even more insulting…
I actually had to have a “talk” with a subordinate (yuck) yesterday and I hated pulling rank. I actually don’t much believe in traditional workplace hierarchy and try to keep it in check on the team I manage. I don’t like the idea of “dues paying” much and I’m not that invested in enforcing it.
That said, I have had a LOT of clashes in the workplace with men who sought to take advantage of my discomfort with these traditional structures. My usual method has just been to confront them directly about their bullshit. I do think that, for example, in the case of Young Dude, I would just explain: I get that you feel entitled to better, I did too when I was at your level, but on the other hand, from my perspective, you are not there yet. If you actually care about getting someone like this to listen, you need to frame your criticism in terms of their goals as opposed to your needs. It’s like training a dog. It usually works.
@Kivrin
You said it well. I feel the push to change my natural inclinations on how to behave but it doesn’t come out. I frequently find myself encouraging fellow women to BE THE BITCH who usually don’t take my advice. I don’t know how this will change as I move up into more supervisory roles with greater visibility.
Not really a Young Dude story, since the Dude in question is the same age I am (33), but many similar themes — he feels his education makes up for his failure to do the actual job and clearly has a problem reporting to a woman. I have had countless meetings with him about time management and legal writing techniques, but he is so obstinate that I have to think he is f*ing with me on purpose. Simple requests — e.g. “Please reply to my emails with an acknowledgement so I know you got them” go completely unheeded. I made an hour-by-hour schedule for him to accomplish his goals, but my deadlines are ignored. I have made the same sort of corrections to his writing numerous times, and he still comes in and wants to debate: “There are two schools of thought on this topic.” Bullshit. I don’t care if you have guidance from the Lord — I am the one evaluating your work, so step lively and do it my way. This is the way it is done at my workplace, and he is resisting me. Fortunately, our current supervisor is also willing to be a Nagging Bitch, so we are now double-teaming him, which seems to be getting through a little bit. However, I know that deep down, he feels our job is beneath him, which raises the question…why stay, if you hate it and you are completely, absolutely, and unarguably terrible at it?
I agree with FashionablyEvil that it is about setting out clear expectations and then following up when they are not met, or at least it should be. My own mother (a 61-year-old accountant who’s worked outside the home since she was 40) responded to my tales of woe about Dude by saying, “I bet he goes home at night and thinks, ‘Wow, what a bitch!’” Thanks for staying strong for the sisterhood, Mom. Of course, Dad just told me not to take it personally, because a woman at his office gets the same treatment. Represent! Ugh.
Wait… bacon cake? This is like my second favorite thing (bacon) wrapped inside my favorite thing (being a bitch).
Actually, though I’m a natural-born bitch, I can be very wishy-washy in the workplace. I find myself being super nice and forgiving, and that’s not always a bad thing (I’m more comfortable when everyone gets along), but I’m always reminding myself to be more forceful, and well, business-like.
@Spark: Yes, bacon cake. It’s yellow cake studded with crunchy bits of real bacon and drizzled with maple syrup. Almost as delicious as a well-placed bitchy remark.
“I am a bitch, but I am a bitch with math.”
Yes!!!
From the other side of the fence, my (female) supervisor recently had to berate me for stupidity — fully justified, unfortunately for me — and I responded as positively and contritely as possible. Partly because I know she’s a ‘can’t we all get along’ person and it must’ve hurt to do that, but mostly because she was justified… unlike my other (male) supervisor who has berated me a few times now for reasons that had everything to do with him NEVER reading his email and absolutely nothing to do with my actions.
Point: I’m more likely to pay attention and not curse when a woman tells me off as experience tells me there’s more likely to be a valid reason.
Mme Sharper, I adored this post. I am naturally someone who tries to make my personal interactions warm and personal, and this doesn’t always work in my favor when I’m trying to get people to do shit for me. I even told my (male) boss (I work in finance, which is obviously and tragically male dominated) that my number one goal for 2009 was to “be more cold.”
While it’s not okay to randomly be a bitch for fun or to routinely be a bitch to superiors, or in response to criticism, it’s been extremely valuable for me to be able to be cold and emotionless in addressing problems or concerns. I’m glad to know I’m not the only lady-type who struggles with being nice vs getting shit done.
I’m just curious what the other male executive thinks about Assistant Dude. Men tend to think bullshit is far more persuasive than actual work. Maybe part of his smug overconfidence is being encouraged from other quarters?
I don’t have any problems telling people like it is. Whatever “play nice” business other girls were taught, I clearly missed the lesson. I’ve been called a bitch more than once, but I’ve learned that when diplomacy fails, a touch of well-reasoned bitchiness tends to get things done. At least, far more than just being nice and framing things in polite tones. If someone isn’t doing their job after three months, he needs to be told very blatantly that he isn’t doing his job. List the reasons, “You aren’t doing what I ask. You aren’t finishing projects you’ve said you’ll finish. You spend more time daydreaming about a corner office than doing your work. If you want the corner office, do your job, and we’ll talk. But if you can’t do your job, you’re never getting the corner office. You will go no further than being my assistant at this company and you won’t even be doing that for much longer.”
Who cares if men make snarky comments behind your back about you being on your period. As much as men *pretend* not to take it to heart to protect their fragile manly persona, most of them do actually absorb it, even if they never acknowledge it.
I have anxiety about managing other people in the workplace. Luckily I don’t see that happening any time soon.
Becky, I know I shouldn’t distract from your excellent essay on bitchitude, but I’m going to be a bitch and do it anyway. Does the cake have frosting as well, or just maple syrup?
I am a people-pleaser by nature, so learning to effectively manage people in my workplace was an anxiety-ladened process for me. The worst situation I encountered wasn’t having to critique someone lower on the totem pole; it was having to confront a partner who was imploding. Good lord that was hard and, frankly, scary. But ultimately it was one of the most valuable and character-building experiences that I took away from my time at that firm. (I left for other reasons. The partner and I were able to work through the issues, and we remain friends to this day.)
Oh, this was a great post, one I wish had existed last fall when I had to do my (male, one-month-older-than-me) coordinator’s evaluation. The same male who, when I was hired to replace the woman he’d worked for for just two months, demanded to report to someone else, because I was just a manager and his previous boss was a director and wasn’t that a demotion for him?
It’s been touch and go ever since. I’m naturally more organized and forthright than the rest of my (all-male) team, so I tend to come across as bitchy. But I LIKE it. And my head head boss likes it too, because it means I get shit DONE.
Apparently I’m a huge bitch, because my immediate reaction is “fire that jagoff already”. Honestly, in this economy, you’d be able to find a better replacement in a week.
(This goes to ausgezeichnet as well.)
@barqeil: Were it not for the layers of HR bullshit required, that would be my vote too.
@spark: It can be frosted, sure. I prefer to make mine in a bundt pan and then dribble maple syrup directly on it (b/c I’m lazy and not especially fond of frosting). The side benefit of frosting is that frosting traps bacon bits, so you can sprinkle even more bacon-y goodness onto it.
@Katie: the male exec, to my knowledge, is aware that Young Dude is not an exemplary employee, but the male boss doesn’t get blown off as much as the female boss, so he’s less militant about straightening Young Dude’s shit out.
Hmmmm, I don’t know if I’m known for being a bitch (and it’s been a couple of years since I had to manage anyone) but I am always very clear about my expectations of other people when collaborating and am very conscious of my body language at work. I also can’t remember the last time I was let down by a colleague so I feel I’m doing well enough.
Oh, DangerMouse, stories we could share. That NYT article on undergrad entitlement earlier this year spoke volumes.
What slays me is the huffiness I get from male AND female students – though both seem to be reacting to gender as well as my overall bitchassiness when it comes to their work. I’m not very nice in general and am a pretty tough grader (though a fair one), and while leveling criticism without cutting them to pieces is something I need to work on, it’s obvious from students’ reactions that the shock of a female teacher not being warm-bosomed and fuzzy-hearted and nurturing is enraging for them. There are plenty of tough instructors, but how many of the male ones are called “bitchy” in their student evaluations? The kids may want to call them “dicks,” but generally don’t indulge that kind of peevish animosity in such an inappropriate way, nevermind the gender-specificity of “bitch.”
I have the same issues as DM and FaB: dealing with students. There’s a built-in hierarchy there, but gender issues complicate it. I’ve never gotten “bitchy” in an evaluation, but “tough” and “severe” have popped up. More often, I’ve heard a lot of whining and emoting going on about why so-and-so couldn’t complete such-and-such (“I’m stressed, I’m worried, I can’t let down my team/greek organization/parents, boo hoo hoo, etc.” My response: That’s unfortunate. See a doctor. You know the policy on late papers.). I’m sure that happens all over the place, but I think students believe it will “work” better on female faculty.
Professionally, I am unafraid to Be a Bitch.
Today I got bullied by a male colleague who is above me on the ladder but NOT my direct supervisor. While it wasn’t my place to be confrontational back to him I did calmly, coldly say that he could talk to my supervisor (whom I adore), and then I got to watch her be a bitch to him.
I’m really enjoying these stories! Some day when I am not at the very very bottom of the office pile I will use this advice as often as I can.
Such an important lesson for every age. When I wasn’t home at the end of a sleep over I missed an exchange between my daughter (10) and her friend. Daughter yells, “I do not like your behavior! You have ruined my birthday party and I want you to leave!” When my husband tried to smooth things over (and reprimand her for yelling) my daughter replied, “Wait til mom gets here, she’ll be proud of me!” and I was. That act of yelling changed her that day, she is much more confident and able to handle conflict. Here’s to hoping it lasts through middle school!
Now, I gotta make me some bacon cake!
I’m an admin to a university art department, and the only people I supervise are student workers and life models. That said, I have a strict three strikes, you’re out policy– you flake on me three times, you’re never modeling for us again, period. I was a bit of a bitch when a girl called 30 minutes before a class was supposed to start and cancelled on me for the third time for “personal reasons.” It was sorta like “O RLY? Well, this is the third time you’ve done this to me so you can bet we won’t be calling you to book any more modeling jobs!”
The part that blows my mind is, doesn’t Young Dude think he’ll need your friend’s reference in ORDER to advance? We have a prof in the department like that. My main interaction with her has been dealing with her full voicemail and physical mailbox, seeming inability to return calls and voicemails, student workers complaining that she was yet again no help in putting together the latest student show, and barrage of students complaining to me that they can’t get in tough with her. Thing is, she’s a visiting professor, and she was passed over for a permanent job which was basically hers to lose because she’s just done such a crap job as a visiting prof. And yet she’s asked several faculty members for references for her next job. Um, what the heck do you think they’re going to write?
Oooh bitchiness…
I was an RA this past semester. Believe me, during finals week I had to yell (actually yell) at people who were riding skateboards in the hallway at 1 AM (yep, that really happened) or just brought people upstairs when they had to be checked in.
It sucked, but c’est la vie. If I’m doing a job, I’m doing it right.
The sad thing, funnyface, is that they’re write non-glowing, but non-truthful letters for her in order a) to be rid of her, and 2) to protect themselves/the uni from legal action. Smart search committees will be able to read between the lines, but no one is going to come right out and say “this one’s a flake.”
@BeckySharper: Um…I’d probably still do it. It’d be worth it to sit the guy down and tell him *exactly* why he was going to have to look for another job right now. But then again, like I say, I’m a huge bitch.
@PhDork: Having two friends who had serious breakdowns this semester I have a little more sympathy for this, but on the order of getting a withdraw instead of a failing grade, for example. But, just for you, FaithandBegorrah, I’m going to call one of my male teachers a bitch in his course evaluation.
@Becky Sharper: all I know is that if I ever spoke to a client that way, I would be promptly removed from the project and possibly fired if it were part of a larger pattern of behavior (which that email is).
I am a bitch at work all the damn time. But I think I get too defensive/emotional usually and then it ruins everything. But sometimes I lay down the law in an objective way, and then it’s awesome.
Oh, also, this post naturally reminds me of the 30 Rock episode where Lutz calls Liz a “cunt,” and then she’s too nice to her staff, and then she watches a marathoon of Designing Women and starts blabbering on about how you “do not mess with a sugar baker woman!”
Man, that episode ruled.
[...] myself, I always stopped to think “What Would K Do?” Now that some of my former assistants have gone on to become managers themselves, I know that they’ve benefited indirectly from K’s kindness and [...]
all, thank you for this.
i started a brand new job in a brand new to me field a month ago. my boss is a brilliant craftsman who is also kind of a dick and kind of a bully who micromanages me and makes my job harder than necessary because he doesn’t understand business and he isn’t a great leader. he treats the boy employee (another dick who leaves — sorry, left, won’t be happening again — trash in my car) differently. lots of dudely privilege happening, combined with a whole ethno-cultural us-vs-them thing.
i heard that he was bitching about me over the weekend so now i am preparing to defend myself in our next daily meeting. a little voice inside me said maybe i should google “workplace” and “bitch” and lo and behold i suddenly feel a whole lot more confident. time for me to woman up.