Comments on: On Itty Bitty Victories

By: PhDork

PhDork — Thu, 21 May 2009 00:32:32 +0000

Aw, CloudsinmyCoffee, good for you! That makes me all squidgy and stuff. I know that couldn’t have been easy, and you stuck to your guns. I think we’re going to have to come up with “Harpy Heroics” award or something. Who knows if the jerkhole learned anything (I’ll continue to hope), but you did. And that? Is awesome.

By: Isa

Isa — Thu, 21 May 2009 00:08:34 +0000

That is awesome, and it makes me think… my boyfriend rocks! The only time I can recall, in the five years that I’ve known him, that I have ever heard him say something rather sexist, I told him I didn’t appreciate it. He said something to the effect of, “I never thought of it that way. I won’t say it again.”

He is an awesome, unabashedly pro-feminist dude who speaks his mind when he hears something he thinks is inappropriate, and I loves him.

By: CloudsInMyCoffee

CloudsInMyCoffee — Wed, 20 May 2009 21:17:40 +0000

Mini-update on my ‘cum dumpster’ situation: You folks gave me both a bit of courage and a lot of insight, and so I did both things: Asked why he thought that comment was funny and, when no response was offered, de-friended him and another FB friend who thought it was ‘hilarious!’

And you know what? This very small, confined example really opened my eyes to my tendencies to sometimes be overly Southern in my desire to not offend, and my rationalization of male actions that I would never accept from my female friends. Those two characteristics have led me to pursue and stay in relationships with men who said and did terrible things to me. Those characteristics have kept me from pushing forward in my career until recently. And I have always loathed my inability to give someone a deserving FUCK OFF.

Which is all to say: This site, its authors, and its commenting community push me to examine myself in new light, and make me a better woman, feminist, and person. Thank you all!

By: Vertigo29

Vertigo29 — Wed, 20 May 2009 10:52:54 +0000

That was nice of him. There is hope.

By: PhDork

PhDork — Tue, 19 May 2009 23:53:14 +0000

Hey, y’all. I’ve been out today–last day of a contract, there was celebrating and such.

Just wanted to add that if I hadn’t gotten a good response, I wasn’t sure what I would do. Send a personal e-mail to discuss the issue? De-friend? I can’t be sure. At the time, though, I just thought “I can’t NOT say something.”

It’s a tough call, no doubt about it. If Friend had responded with one or more of the rote anti-feminist responses (what Becky’s been getting from the coffee shop), I might have given it another round of patient explanation, but after a while, it’s trying to catch water in a sieve. I’m not saying “you MUST say something, every time;” I just wanted to encourage you to follow your instincts about these things. You probably know who is a jerkass (and yeah, as bellacoker says, why FB-friend that?) and who isn’t.

I think it’s worth the risk, though, to voice your concerns. If you don’t change a mind, at least you’ll know who you shouldn’t be spending your time and energy on.

By: bellacoker

bellacoker — Tue, 19 May 2009 19:55:11 +0000

@Clouds – Unless there is some deeper reason to remain that person’s friend, don’t. They don’t respect you because they don’t respect women who you identify with and don’t feel women should be able to make sexual decisions without being ashamed of them.

I don’t know the underlying relationship here, but some people it’s better just to write off.

By: JessMess

JessMess — Tue, 19 May 2009 19:52:49 +0000

@CloudsinMyCoffee: I liked your answer, that makes sense.

I hear a lot about smart ladies like us Harpies having their FB ‘friends’ say stupid shit like that all the time. Why are we ‘friends’ with morons like that?

By: CloudsInMyCoffee

CloudsInMyCoffee — Tue, 19 May 2009 19:42:37 +0000

@SarahMC, tscheese, & TVille: Thanks for the advice. It did bother me both for the vile language (which tscheese aptly described as shock-jock) and the implication that “sluts” aren’t worthy of falling in love and getting married. I’m going to try to work up the nerve to ask that simple question… who knows if it’ll do anything, but it’s worth doing, I think. You are all wise and wonderful women.

@JessMess: I understand your point. Facebook comes with a weird set of politics, rules, etc. that are all supposed and all malleable, which makes it hard to navigate sometimes. Plus, it’s difficult to engage in an honest debate through that medium, especially with that person’s friends — whom I may or may not know — can chime in and assume whatever they want about me.

I think we care what others say on social network sites because those are used as ways to communicate with a lot of people at once. And so small comments can make an impact.

By: TVille

TVille — Tue, 19 May 2009 19:05:36 +0000

@ Clouds – I fall back on Sarah’s advice “Why?” often. I also like, “I don’t get it…” I feel like simple questions confuse people, and force them to consider what the implications of what they said actually are.

Of course, sometimes it’s better to just leave dumbasses alone…

By: tscheese

tscheese — Tue, 19 May 2009 19:04:10 +0000

SarahMC, I agree. If someone says something sort of thoughtless/heartless, they may not even realize they’re being sexist–they might just be repeating stuff they heard, thinking it was “funny”. It makes me want to jump down peoples’ throats, but I’ve found that often it’s a lot easier to just gently say “Why would you say something like that?” or “Why would you call her that?” And see what kind of discussion ensues.

Sure, a brief discussion won’t change someone’s attitudes entirely, but it might get them thinking, if only for a few minutes. Sometimes people will get butthurt that you didn’t think that their lame shock-jock shtick is TEH FUNNIES!!1, but the only way to change peoples’ minds about stupid sexist ideas is to get them thinking about WHY those attitudes are hurtful, y’know?