Gentle readers, I was never a shrinking violet–in fact, I was voted “Most Outspoken” in my high school class–but these last couple months, as I’ve been caterwauling more loudly and openly and thoughtfully about women’s issues for Harpyness, I think I’m making progress towards living a more outgoing, unafraid, empowered life. All the positive vibes I get from the Harpies and you commenters gives me the energy bay like a hounddog when confronted with sexism, intimidation and grossness. In the past I might have grumbled or sniped a little, but now I’m a lot more willing to engage with people directly, and without apologizing.
This was brought home to me last night when I had an Evil Cabbie Experience. When I told him how to get to my apartment he cut me off with “Whatever, whatever, you don’t give me a lecture.” I pointed out, politely, that I wasn’t giving him a lecture, I was telling him the address and the best way to get there. (For non New Yorkers: one of the rules on the taxi customer’s bill of rights–as displayed in each cab–is that the driver will take you to your destination according to the route you dictate).
There was much grumbling and “no more lectures!”, but I mostly let it go, because cabbies are notoriously surly anyway, and I don’t blame them, as I’d hate to do their job. But when we pulled up outside my building and I had problems with the credit card scanner, he looked into the backseat and sneered: “How often do you take taxi? You’ve never taken taxi before, have you? You can’t even pay fare right.”
Now, in New York, that’s tantamount to saying: ‘you’re a fucking idiot.’ And from his tone and sneer, I knew that that’s exactly what this guy meant. He went out of his way to belittle me, and there was a definite air of leering intimidation about it as well, as he was a big dude and I…am not. There was no doubt that gender played a role here. As one of my (middle-aged male) colleagues said the next day: “If you’d been a 200 lb. man, this would not have happened.”
While I’d been willing to put up with the grumbling about directions, I was not about to put up with someone intentionally insulting and antagonizing me. In years past, I might have scowled, handed him the money and left. But I knew that he was counting on just that response: I would be humiliated, but I would just seethe and give up and it would be a WIN for him. Fuck that. It was time to–you guessed it–BE A BITCH.
So I pulled out my beautiful new iPhone* and dialed 311 to report this asshole (Non New Yorkers: we can report cab drivers’ ”rude or abusive behavior” to the city and request a hearing.). When Evil Cabbie figured out what I was doing, the shit really hit the fan. I could barely hear the operator on the other end of the line because he began shouting so loudly for me to get out the cab. Evil Cabbie even removed the license all drivers are required to display so that I couldn’t report him by name or license number. But I sat calmly in the back of that cab, talking to the operator–who could hear the shouting–until Evil Cabbie gave up, yelled “I stick this in your face!” and showed me his license. Once I got the info, I handed him a 20 and got my receipt (I only paid because when I appear at the hearing, I don’t want him to claim I stiffed him the fare). I got my confirmation from the city today that the complaint was filed and I would be notified of a hearing date. You can be damn sure this bitch is going to show up and have her say.
A few months ago, I don’t know how I would have handled the situation. Maybe the same. But I would have been a lot more intimidated by it. Not this time, though. I think y’all are helping me be my best bitch, and for that, I thank you.
*It’s Harpy tradition to name our iphones. Mine is Themis, after the Greek goddess of social custom and order.
I know the usage of the term “bitch” is a bit tongue-in-cheek here–hell, it’s a fun word and I use it like a comma. But I hesitate to apply the label “bitch” to someone who is better described as “assertive, level-headed human who is aware of her rights and won’t suffer fools in silence.”
I know, I know, just a silly nitpick of mine; “bitch” is a lot easier to say, and the usage here is humorous/ironic/reclaiming. But, at any rate, good on you for sticking up for yourself and asserting your rights.
Unrelated: My iPhone is named, uncreatively, “tscheezphone.”
ha I like the name for your Iphone. Obviously I don’t own such a thing so have no name for it. My phone just er rings. That’s it. No camera, no internet, nothing. It’s just a cell phone doing what cell phones do. Perhaps I should name it in order to make it feel a bit special despite it’s crapness.
And back on topic, well done. I have to admit that i am a bad person and when I have had these sort of arguements in the past with cabbies, I have got out of the cab, not paid the fare and left all the door of their cab open usually while saying nasty things to them.
Behaving in a rational manner and making a formal complaint is preferable although i did once spend 20 minutes ensuring that no one else picked up a fare from a particularly abusive cab driver i had who called me the C word after I asked him to stop at a bank, something I had already told him we would have to do when I hailed the cab and which he had agreed to. It is entirely possible that that 20 minutes could have been spent doing more productive things.
This story is inspiring! I never know what to do with cab drivers who treat me badly, so — and this is probably ridiculous — I never ever take one if I’m alone. I’d rather be late or have to leave a party or bar early or even miss the party or whatever the case may be so I can take the train instead. This is not the way to live an empowered life. I try to tell myself it’s because I’m frugal (I am that too) but really I do have enough money to take the occasional cab alone without breaking the bank. I’m just afraid of situations like this one.
I haven’t named my phone, though I should. I use it enough.
Good work. I…probably still wouldn’t have done it, instead paying my fare and then just bitching about it for days.
I have no iphone. My ipod touch, however, is named Bubastis. I’d love to say it’s after the Egyptian cat-goddess, but. Well. It’s really after Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias’ pet lynx in Watchmen, because I am a geeky fangirl.
My iphone is Galadriel! She is a Queen in place of a Dark Lord, not dark but beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as the seas! Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love her and despair!
Ahem.
To stay on-topic, I wish I didn’t freeze up in certain situations. My fellow harpies know that I had my breast openly grabbed on the subway about six weeks ago, and I was too shocked to say anything. It was at my station, so I simply got off the train while the boy (seriously, he was maybe 17 at most) and his friends were grinning at me) because I didn’t know how to react. This was after they had spent the entirety of my time on the train talking loudly about their dick sizes. And yeah, I just stayed silent. The dick size talk was more amusing than anything else, but then when I was groped I wished I had actually yelled at the guy for touching me. I was too shocked to do so. Ugh.
@tscheese: I agree with you about the use of the word bitch–but the whole “be a bitch” thing actually goes back to an earlier post I wrote about a friend who was getting mauled on a date and told me she was afraid to tell the dude off because “I don’t want to seem like a bitch” and I was practically shouting “BE A BITCH FERCHRISSAKE!” And I’m sure that among the many things that cabbie later called me, bitch was among them. So I’m willing to go with bitchery–it’s unfortunate that an assertive woman has that label hanging over her but fuck it, I’ll embrace it to show I’m not ashamed.
kudos to you for scheduling the appointment and taking time from your day to either reform this jerk or get him out of his cab. I doubt I would have taken the time to make the world a better place in that way.
Good for you! I was smiling while reading that as the situation escalated. They’ll have his beligerence on tape if they’re able to use that to back you up. Awesome!
babe, you rock! I’m a big fan of calling and reporting/complaining rather than just crabbing about it later. There’s a way to fix problems for a reason, use it!
SOLG – that’s my favorite part in those movies.
I don’t have a name for my ipod touch, I shall have to think about this . . .
Oh, sweet. Great job. The last time I had someone be that mean to me, it was the owner of a restaurant near my campus, and after having it out with him, I proceeded to leave negative reviews saying exactly what had happened on all the restaurant review sites I could find. I felt kind of guilty doing it, but then someone gave me a Yelp compliment about it (along the lines of, “I can’t believe they treated you like that! Thanks for the review, I’ll be avoiding this place in the future”) and I felt way better.
Awesome! You are a goddess of bitchitude. Also you all have iphones? I am jealous.
Well done for standing up to this guy. I had a cabbie stiff me late one night by telling me he didn’t have change for a $20. I could afford it, so I just gave him the money, but 10 years later it still burns. (That was not in NY though.)
Re the word “bitch” – I think there needs to be a period of time during which women reclaim this word, like “fag” and “dyke” and “queer” were reclaimed. Maybe one day we won’t need it, but definitely for the foreseeable future, we need to be able to say “I won’t let you push me around. That makes me a bitch, does it? Then f@ck yeah, I’m a bitch. Deal.”
I adore the “bitch primer” here… stories like these inspire me and make me want to cheer. They also give me hope that I can have the confidence and awareness to respond to situations rather than freeze up.
Bluebears, I don’t. My phone makes and receives calls and text messages and that’s about it! I am sort of embarassed by it (even though I know I shouldn’t care) because it seems everyone around me has a Blackberry or iphone.
That is an awesome story. I’m moving to NYC in a week (BAH!) and will keep that one filed away for future reference.
Also, all you bishes stop talking about your wonderful, magical iPhones! Because I want one, but have to let my shitty contract run out in 5 months.
SarahMC, hurrah i am not alone, don’t be embarrassed we should stand proud with our phones that only do phone stuff and carry out no extraneous tasks at all.
In solidarity, emilyanne!
@bluebears: This is the first iphone I’ve ever had–I’m a classic late adopter of pretty much all technology. My old phone was starting to die, and I was coveting Galadriel whenever I saw her, so when family members asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said “I don’t care what you get me, so long as it’s a gift certificate to the Apple store.”
I’m so glad you post stories like this. I appreciate the reminder that it is important to demand appropriate treatment. One thing I think we’d all agree with is excuses (like he’s a taxi driver, or he’s a guy, or he’s just ambitious) don’t stop the behavior.
Thank you.
It is so wonderful that you stuck up for your rights, and filed a complaint. His behaviour is inexcusable.
This series has been really encouraging me and aiding me in standing up for myself. Just last night, when the ex was berating me for something, then immediately demanding I forgive him for his reprehensible behaviour in the last week, I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth, formed fists from my hands, and thought “be a bitch!”
So I did. It was glorious.
I am also of the subset whose phones do not much more than call, text, and take pretty pictures of my kitties.
@MissPinot: ROCK ON!
Wow! Kudos to you. You handled that situation beautifully.
Yeah, I think living in New York really allowed me to come out of my shell. As some of you know, I now live in Chicago, but I still use my New Yorker mouth with alacrity. For example, the other day I was walking my dog, and I came across a big boy (maybe 12 or so) repeatedly hitting his little brother (maybe
with a GIANT stick … bordering on branch territory … and I yelled at him like the harpy I’ve become. And shock upon shock, he actually stopped and indeed DID look ashamed of himself, as I said he should be. I think he was surprised more than anything else that a stranger gave him a dressing down in public. So, keep it up harpies!
weird. I typed an eight, followed by a closed parenthese, and it gave me that emoticon. I am not generally an emoticoner.
I’m de-lurking to write this. I had a pretty bitchy moment with a cab driver myself.
It was starting to rain and I flagged a cab.
I got in and gave the address then one block later I said I was paying by VISA. Out of courtesy you’re supposed to say that you’re paying by credit card so they can prepare the receipt and I’ve also been chewed out for not “advising” before we got to where we had to go.
The cab driver flipped out at me about how he had picked me up just to ‘help me out’ and he had a bigger fare waiting for him down the street that he blew off to pick me up. Now he wasn’t going to get a tip because credit card tips come through every 2 weeks.
I said, calmly (shaking inside) “I had no idea you passed on another fare just to help out little old me. I don’t have cash on me. I was being courteous by letting you know I had a credit card. If you don’t want my fare please let me out of this cab right now”
It stopped him in his tracks. He definitely didn’t expect that. I also explained that all taxis in my city do accept credit cards so this should not be an issue.
He was sullen for a bit while he kept driving. Then he piped up again “well, it’s just not fair that I don’t get my tips until later and I passed up the other fare to be nice to you” and other comments like that. Each time (maybe 5 or 6 complaints from him during our 15 minute cab ride) I just said the same thing “I have no cash, I never forced you to pass up the other fare, you can let me out here if you don’t want my money”.
He drove me to my friends house and made one last ditch effort “maybe someone inside has cash?” I said no, here’s my credit card. When he handed me the receipt he’d already filled out the total as it was on the meter, not leaving me a place to put any tip.
I guess that was kind of an apology?
I was just pleased that I stood my ground. He was really trying to bully me and totally didn’t expect this tiny girl to stand up to him.
Kudos on keeping a level head in such a heated situation! I wouldn’t even classify this as bitchiness, but as calm vengeance. I don’t know if I would have been so collected in the same situation! (Then again, I’m Southern and we’re not exactly known for our bitchiness… usually.)
My phone is a knock-off Blackberry affectionately known as the Baby Brick. Lame, but my cat is named Persephone, so I think that makes me cool.
Kudos on keeping a cool head and responding assertively, BeckySharper! I almost broke out cheering for you here in the cafe! And you too, Rzep! Stories like this are inspiring. Not that it’s shameful to be so rattled by these experiences that you can’t manage a response at the time — it’s not anyone’s responsibility to respond, especially if you’re concerned about your own safety. But it’s awesome to read about situations where someone clearly expects you to back down because you’re female, and you don’t just roll over.
I think that the “Be a bitch!” line is useful shorthand. I like to use it myself to remind myself to not be a doormat, to not absorb abuse for no reason, to not be a “nice girl” at the expense of my own dignity. If preserving my dignity and asserting myself without apology is “being a bitch”, then I am damn well going to Be A Bitch.
That is awesome. Good for you!
[...] you know what, if you pull a dick move, you get called on it. Yes, ladies, it was time for me to Be A Bitch (well, a little, [...]
If more women stood up for themselves some male pigs mights not be so quick to abuse them. Good for you. There are no apologies necessary for the way you use the phrase better bitch. I’d draw your attention to ‘Bitch Magazine’ and the book ‘Chess Bitch, Women in the Ultimate Intellectual Sport’ , the authors of which are intellectual feminists whom I don’t actually consider to be bitches. That said, I myself tend to view any potentially vicious ‘bitch’ who doesn’t hesitate to tell me off with respect.
[...] Someone told me I was a bitch — Were you being a better bitch? [...]
[...] may remember that back in May I had an Evil Cabbie Experience. At the time I wrote: He went out of his way to belittle me, and there was a definite air of [...]