Ladies, I have come to a startling realization. It has been creeping up on me for some time but in the past couple weeks it’s been smacking me between the eyes on a fairly regular basis and now I can no longer ignore it: there are some hot men out there who are too young for me.
I turned 34 earlier this month, and I sure as hell don’t feel old or matronly. I’m all about dating, and I cast a wide net. But it definitely seems that this harpy is not destined for cougardom.
Case in point: This past weekend I was at a garden party in rural England. The weather was unsually warm and sunny, the flowers were flowering, the Pimms was pimming, and I was entertaining some of the guests with my brash American-ness. One of them was a twentysomething who bore a striking resemblance to David Beckham. Seriously, I had to try hard not to stare or lick my lips when he went by. When he came over and offered me–I’m not kidding here–a sausage roll, I nearly had to get out the smelling salts. He seemed eager to talk, so we chatted for a few minutes and I learned that he was on half-term break from his third year at uni, which meant that he was at most 22, but probably closer to 20. On hearing that, despite his sporty deliciousness and cute accent, I could feel my estrogen ebbing back to normal levels. Had he been in his late 20s, maybe I would have turned on the seduction vibes. But guys that age just don’t interest me.
Y’all know I’m not above a bit of wanderlusting, and I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed you by not snapping up that sweet Becks look-alike. The thing is, I mostly find younger guys boring. All those cliches about girls maturing faster than boys are generally true, and they hold true for some time into adulthood. A 25 year old male just seems so…young…to me. Conversation can be hard work with them. They don’t have much life experience, they don’t have much experience with women or relationships, and many of them are wrapped up in their own narcissistic little cloud of Dudely Privilege.
Moreover, as I recall from my own early years, guys in their early twenties–and even up into their late twenties–are fairly lousy in the sack. Not enough hands-on experience, as it were. So as fling material, they’re not all that tempting either, at least, not to me. Madonna, when asked about her predilection for very young men, once said: “They don’t know what they’re doing, but they can do it all night long.” I don’t know about you, ladies, but marathon sex with a dude who doesn’t know what he’s doing does not appeal AT ALL (and talk about your fast track to a UTI…). Of course, Madonna and I are generally not kindred spirits when it comes to men or pretty much anything else (although I do think Guy Ritchie has a certain dirty charm).
Since I turned 30, I’ve had the chance to date, or just to shtup, guys in their early to mid-twenties, and each time, I’ve politely said “no, thank you”, for all the reasons stated above. This is one of the few issues where I realize how despite all my assertions that women should have the same societal privileges as men, I am unable to walk that walk.
Older men love younger women (and I should know). It has ever been thus, mainly for cultural reasons of money, power and Patriarchy. Now that women are wealthier and more powerful, they’re more often the December in May/December romances. I don’t slag women who want to date younger men–if that’s what works for them, great. If men are entitled, then so, in theory, are we. But the older I get, the more I’m realizing that as privileged as I am, much younger men simply don’t hold much allure for me. I think it’s yet another of the ways that despite the gains of feminism, even when I’m an old girl, I’ll never be be one of the old boys.
I’ve never been all that into men my own age or younger. I’m often thanking my five years older husband for saving me from the horror of college boys altogether. He is turning 30 at the end of the summer and was listing all the ways he’s looking older and wondering when I’m going to trade him in for a younger model. I was like, um, don’t you think if I were interested in younger men, I’d have thought of that before I married an older man?
Madonna must get a lot of UTIs. I agree with you that I’d rather do it well once than do it poorly a number of times.
I totally hear you. I’m early-20s, so age isn’t really an issue yet, but let me tell you, immaturity is a HUGE turn-off, and even if a guy looks great, if he is an idiot, there will be nothing doing.
I have, on two or three occasions, found a college-aged student of mine (or a colleague’s) incredibly attractive (hellloooooo Pasquale!), but that only lasts until I read their papers and realize that they are, indeed, kids. At which point I simply want them to learn how to use a semicolon correctly.
Slag! You’ve been in the UK too long.
I agree with you on all fronts – immaturity is more a turn-off than a young, gorgeous exterior is a turn-on.
This was my problem, too. then I found someone 6 yrs older than me, who knows how to do laundry and…well, other things=)
Historically, I’ve been with men older than myself. My current beau is — gasp — six months younger than I. Maybe it’s a slippery slope? By the time I’m thirty-fice, I’ll be hitting up high schools? Ha!
I tend to lump all people into three age groups — Older Than Me, My Age, and Younger Than Me. Chronological age often has nothing to do with what category a person gets put into. It’s more about a persons’s actions and behaviour, general outlook on life, etc. By that standard, I am always dating guys who are My Age.
all my boyfriends were several years older than me – around 10-15 years on average. My husband however is four years younger so I suppose it’s a case of never ruling out all possiblities. I always said I’d never marry someone younger but really the gap wasn’t much in the end 33 to 29 and he was more mature than the elderly 40something alcoholics I’d been dating previously.
Yeah, younger men don’t know what they’re doing. But older (40+) guys need viagra these days. So we randy 32-40yo are SOL.
I’m 28 and I feel 26 is too young a man, for me.
OT: How nice that you’re here while there’s fairly decent weather… It’s only rained once today (so far).
Oh man I should be ashamed of myself but somehow, am not…I’m 41 and my “not-boyfriend” as you say, Becky, is 31. It’s heavenly. Like, 3 times in an hour heavenly. But I’m not looking for husband material yet. He happens to be a great person too, but we’re not on the same path. It might be a dangerous trend for me though because I almost crash my car when I see the local college men’s track team out for runs…!
@emilyanne: elderly 40something alcoholics: Snort! That used to be my type too! No more!
I know exactly what you mean! It wouldn’t be so bad if someone had taught them how NOT TO TALK.
Many of the younger men I have met lately have bought into the Player and/or Pick-up Artist b.s., and I want to shake them and tell them they are much more likely to be successful if they would Shut Up, and let me think that they are mysterious and interesting.
i’m 21, but i feel the same way becky. both of my long-term relationships have been with older people, though i’ve dated the same age/younger in between.
wanting to be with someone who can “do it” both right AND all night long is a perfect metaphor for so many aspects of a relationship – not only is sex better for me with a same-age/older partner, but conversations, connections, discussions, decision-making, etc. are better too.
communication, like sex, is done better with someone who understands how important it is to a healthy relationship. (though sex isn’t as important as communication – a shoutout to my asexual sisters and brothers!) that is simply too hard to find in younger people, for a multitude of reasons.
although to be honest, i appreciate your capacity for personal insight even more than the actual blog entry. it’s a tough thing for us women to confidently evaluate what WE want and HOW (usually teh menz are around to tell us, right?), and i applaud your assertiveness.
@k!m: Thanks! The whole behing honest about evaluating what we want gets MUCH easier the older we get, or at least, that’s been the case for me. It’s a real relief that these days I’m able to say yes or no to something and be totally guilt-free about it.
@Plum-Pie: The weather has been AMAZING. Or, should I say, BRILLIANT!
@ceejeemcbeegee, not all men over 40 need viagra! I know from personal experience.
Maybe only men over 40 who don’t work out and eat right need drugs? Certain bad habits harden the arteries and contribute to erectile dysfunction. Erections depend on healthy circulation.
@k!m: I think humans are communication machines, everything we do is a form of communication. Sex, if done correctly, is just another form, in my opinion.
@bellacoker: 100% agreed! i was only drawing a distinction between non-sexual communication and other forms for the sake of the blog content.
:~)