Once again, it’s time for a search terms round-up. As always, there are a number of terms that make some sense, like:
sexism by phone –Oh, sister, by phone, by book, by movie, by television, by fashion, by science…
successful woman get abortions — Correction: all kinds of women get abortions.
helen gurley brown panties — I read this as “helen gurley. brown panties.” Which is both funny and revolting.
harpy symptoms — I’m guessing you’d notice symptoms such as extreme wit, righteous indignation, and a fondness for LOLcats.
But the vast majority are either confusing:
i wonder oh i wonder i can t count all the bottles i — I think you can’t count all those bottles because you drank what was in them.
homemade + fuck + restaurant — Remind me not to eat there.
buy multiple orgasms — Does it work that way?
what you do in sex — A product of abstinence-only education, we presume.
swollen vagina after dry hump — That sounds very uncomfortable on several levels. May we suggest an ice pack? (P.S. You mean “vulva.”)
butt feels weird after putting in tampon — That makes sense, as tampons are not supposed to go in your butt. Please proceed to your nearest emergency room.
YEAR OF 2009 BEAUTIFUL HIPS FUCKS — IF YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS, DOES GOOGLE SEARCH THAT MUCH HARDER?
michelle obama got where she is by affirmative action— Usually, First Ladies marry into the job. Dumbass.
i have got fuck — I have an education.
scottish men big dicks — sarah.of.a.lesser.god swears this was not her looking for naked Ewan McGregor pics. Do you believe her?
GAY MAN FUCKING HALL OF FAME — The all-caps desperation in this search kind of makes my day. (Also: is there such a thing? Why?)
And then there’s just the straight-up gross:
father doesn’t sexualy satisfy my stepmom–1) Is that your business? 2) Sounds like you’re looking to replace your dad, which: ew.
fat blow up doll sex pics — Just when I think I’ve heard of every fetish in the book, the internet proves me wrong.
12 year old girls in they’re underwear –Pedophilia (and misspelling) FOR THE TREMENDOUS, HORRIFIC LOSE.
12 year old boys in underpants — Equal opportunity disgustitude! This is not what we meant by “gender equity.”
So, what brings you here?