Via jddunn @ Flickr.
This time from NPR, of all places. Morning Edition had a piece on the dreaded “hook-up culture” today, and it’s more of the same handwringing and boo-hooing and it’s so sloppy and lazy and crappy and unhelpful that I just wanna barf.
Read the full article, Sex Without Intimacy: No Dating, No Relationships (or listen to the story), if you want to take a look at how it’s all laid out, but I wanted to pull out a few small points. It starts out with some absolutist moral panic:
For the many who are delaying the responsibilities of marriage and child-rearing, hooking up has virtually replaced dating.
ZOMG. No more dating! Not enough babies!! Marriage rates falling precipitously!!! Eleventyone!!!!
And then it goes on to interview a number of people about their perspectives on this “trend.” Most of these people are women—academics studying dating, or young college- or post-college-aged women—because the freaking out going on here is about, you guessed it, women’s sexuality (a bad, horrible thing that’s spinning out of controooooooooooollll!). But there’s one dude in there, whose input made me want to fling my Wheaties out the window:
Avery Leake, 25, knows what this is like from the other side. He’s in a relationship now, but he says that, in general, most of the young women he used to meet “just wanted sex. They’re independent.” Being in a relationship was not important to them, especially if it interfered with their careers or their pursuit of advanced degrees, he says.
Leake found that he was also up against women who had as much money as he had, if not more, and he says dating had just become too expensive. “You used to be able to get away with paying $30 for a dinner and a movie,” Leake says. “Not anymore.”
“Up against women…”? “Get away with“? (This is where Shark-Fu would type: “Blink.”)
OH NOES! WOMEN HAVE THEIR OWN MONEY! THE PRICE OF THE PUSSY HAS RISEN ABOVE $30!!!
Some of this is journalistic framing, of course, but come. on. There is also at least one quote within the piece that tempers the alarmist trumpeting of the title:
The term “hookup” is so vague, however, it might well encompass someone’s idea of virginity — it involves anything from kissing to fooling around, oral sex and sexual intercourse.
I’m happy they included this, because it might go some way to deprivileging PIV intercourse as “sex,” but the article as a whole does nothing to destroy the zombie idea of sex as a wary transaction between women and men (because we don’t give a shit about lesbians and gay men; they can’t get married anyway, and that’s What Life is All About).
Apart from that, however, one thing that really bothered me about this story was that it seemed to define hook-up culture as meeting strangers, screwing them, and blowing town, never to see them again. And while one-night stands do happen, they are not an invention of the ’00s. Or the ’90s. Or even the ’60s.
But more importantly, there’s an assumption here that either you follow the traditional model of dating (whatever that is…although soda shoppes are probably involved), or you’re out there whoring it up, you whore. There’s no consideration for the fact that a lot of people who hook up are probably doing so with people they already know: friends, friends of friends, and/or people they have already hooked up with before. And you know what those are called? RELATIONSHIPS. Even if they’re the kind that don’t necessarily lead to marriage.
I guess there will never be a time when someone isn’t freaking out about “kids today.” The post-war model of dating was to go out with a lot of different people, rather than pairing off into “steady” couples, and compared to the courtship model of the early twentieth century, where relationships were largely exclusive, chaperoned, and marriage-targeted, they were anxiety-producing. By the time I was doing all my high school and college dating in the 1990s, the model that was freaking everyone out then was “young people are settling into serious relationships too fast and therefore will fail to learn how to get along with a lot of different types of people and also they might be having the sex!” one. And yet, all around me were people, some in long term relationships, others celibate, and still more passing each other around like joints at a party.
It’s almost like people were making choices that best suited their temperaments and needs.
I’m an old unmarried lady, not a part of this hook up culture, so I can’t give you any soundbites about how it is today in the lookin’-for-a-good-time department (me and the Dude like a free-pizza Happy Hour, or a good pub quiz), but I keep seeing this intense concern with “intimacy,” or rather the “loss of intimacy,” and it’s making my butt itch.
My butt is incredibly sensitive to bad logic, so I think there’s some collapsing going on here. We use the term “intimacy” to mean “sex” a lot of times, but we also use it to mean “emotional closeness,” or “trust,” or “commitment.” I’m down with emotional closeness. I’m a big fan of trust. And commitment is only as good as what one is committed to. In any case, however, to assume that sexual activity either IS intimacy (as it is conceived of in marriage), or that it is a BARRIER TO intimacy (as it is in hook up culture) is false, false, false.
There are people with whom I am intimate who have never been sexual with me. I trust faaaaaaar more people than I’ve ever fooled around with (and yeah, that’s saying something). And I am committed to more than just my Dude.
The word that doesn’t come up at all in this article is “respect.” Respect for yourself to say yes when you want and no when you don’t, respect for your partner/s (hook-up, “dating,” partnered, married, whatever) to listen to and honor their wishes about consent and desire, and respect for both of you when it comes to pregnancy- and disease-prevention. Seems like such a simple thing, y’know? And yet we can’t seem to focus on making that the issue. Not when there are women to be shamed!
I’m not saying sexual and/or emotional relationships are simple; they’re not. But if we were actually interested in people’s–especially women-people’s–sexual and emotional health and wellness, we’d quit frothing over whether women are entering into traditional marriages and having sufficient numbers of babies, throw out this “intimacy” bulllshit, and encourage everyone to govern themselves and treat others with respect. Goddamn.
P.S. The comments are variously appalling or just plain ol’ stupid. Seriously, don’t read ‘em. There is, however, a poll where you can lodge your opinion of hook up culture. As of this writing, it’s a tie between “Fun” and “Degrading,” with “Dangerous” a close second. Jeesh.
The “traditional model of dating” stresses me the fuck out. Two people, one-on-one (heh), out alone together at dinner or a movie in the earliest stages of getting to know each other is just way too anxiety-inducing for me and seems to ratchet up the sexual tensions and expectations while disguising them as somehow “better” conflated with emotional intimacy. I’ve felt much more respected and respectful of myself and my own choices as to sex in a “hook-up” situation than on a more traditional date. But I also have the emotional intelligence of a slow loris, so there’s that.
Hooking-up is, like other life choices others seem to have a problem with, a personal decision, made by the person depending on their life at the moment. Right now, I’m all for merely hooking up with a friend or a person who could become something more, much later. And this is said by a woman who has spent the last 4 years in serious commited relationships(2 precisely).
Having the media slut shame me into a relationship that I’m not ready for is bull.
Avery, maybe they just don’t want to date YOU, but they think you’re kinda pretty so maybe they’ll consider sleeping with you. Did you ever think of that? No?
I also don’t understand how this is anything new. It’s not new. People just talk about it more openly now. Jebus.
See, I would argue that rather than drive the price of pussy higher than $30, my socioeconomic freedom means I can afford to give it away for free. I can’t remember the last time I charged for a hook-up!
But srsly, this debate is all SO OLD and SO TIRED and SO MISOGYNIST. If our generation learned anything from our parents its that marriage is not forever. So why are we still supposed to think it’s the be-all and end-all for us? (and by us, of course, I mean women, since no one wrings their hands over whether men are hooking up, other than because it might make them less inclined to marry us poor sluts)
“I’m an old unmarried lady, not a part of this hook up culture, so I can’t give you any soundbites about how it is today in the lookin’-for-a-good-time department”
I’d say “how it is” is different for everyone. People are diverse which indicates to me that people have choice, which is great. These articles definitely need to define hooking up though. Is it hooking up if you kiss a guy you recently met and don’t date him even if you thought you might date him? Then, I’m guessing a lot of people have had hook-ups. If it’s defined more narrowly, hook-ups will be less common.
You know, Becky, I was thinking this over while out running some errands, and that Avery fella seems to be contradicting himself. He notes that women, like your own lovely self, have their own money now, which makes them independent and only in search of sex (which is rarely true, but whatever), but then implies that they’re greedy gold-diggin’ biznatches, ‘cuz now he’s gotta pony up. Whut?
And you’re right DM, it isn’t new. The talking about it is new…ish, and talking about things tends to destigmatize them, and we can’t let that go unchallenged.
MissPinot, exactly. I haven’t been on one-a-them “date” things in…about twelve years, I guess, but I reserve the right to slut it up in the future. I have friends who hook up, friends who date, friends who have friends-with-benefits, friends to go to sex clubs, whatever. It’s none of my concern, provided they aren’t doing anything seriously disrespectful. Diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks.
@BeckySharper: the idea of you stopping the guy at the door, and saying “That will be $30 in dinner, please.” made me snort pepsi!
I always get so angry when I hear my male friends bashing the girls that SLEPT WITH THEM, because it just shows the scary double standard that is ingrained in our culture. ‘OMG, the laaayyydeeezzz can’t be enjoying sex, that makes then harlots and thus not worthy to bear our baybeez.’ It’s disgusting
MissP, please tell me you say something to those doodz. Please?
@MissPinot: Heh, I went on a date this weekend with a seriously awesome dude. I paid for dinner this time (since he paid last time, and the tab was WELL over $30 both times). I put my credit card down and told him “you know, you’ll have to put out.” He laughed and said, “I’ll make sure you get the full value.” And then later, he totally did. There are actually men out there who know this bullshit is bullshit, and we just have to seek them out!
@PhDork: Yes, you’re right, he’s contradicting himself. Women are greedy hos just out for money! But now they’re sluts who just want sex! It’s like a misogyny two-fer!
NPR needs to stop talkin’ bout my generation. First they were all shocked when we were in high school and they were practically naming us Generation Blowjob and spazzing out about the hug drug and raves. Now they’re shocked that these same people are now having casual sex now that we’re out in the working world? NPRplz.
OH NOES! WOMEN HAVE THEIR OWN MONEY! THE PRICE OF THE PUSSY HAS RISEN ABOVE $30!!!
I loled hardcore at this one. right after feeling the need to punch someone
Et tu, NPR?
I am so baffled by world that is able to fully embrace the craptastic self-help mumbo jumbo of something like “He’s Just Not That Into You,” where all us women-folk are just trying to find a man willing to marry our poor incomplete selves… and then turn on a dime six months later and shame us for being hook-up whores.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
And Avery, I’d choose a career and advanced degree over courtship with your douchey self anyday.
@PHDork:Yes, I do. It has resulted in me being banned from the weekend gloating, which is better for my blood pressure, and I regularly get the satisfaction of the fellas coming to me for *gasp* advice on ya know–’the wimmen’.
@ BeckySharper: it’s really funny how some men are absolutely okay with women paying, and some get really bent out of shape. It’s a really good litmus test on whom to keep around. It’s right up there with opening my own damn doors, thank you, and carrying cases of wine at work.
Off topic, sort of: How many men who slut-shame women are the ones who seem to think we should wait those extra 5 seconds for them to catch up and open the door, or get all apoplectic when a woman tries to pay? If I’m having fun with the new date, I’ll hold the door open for them, and see how they react. If it’s a calm thank you, great–if it’s a big deal,it’s a good clue that I’m probably going to make my excuses and leave before the entree arrives.
It is at times like this that I feel the US dating system would benefit from the British method.
In the UK we are incapable of dating as that would require organisation and effort, instead we all get paralytic in pubs in large groups and then at the end of the evening ‘pull’ one an another. The next morning you wake up with a terrible hangover and an ok guy (or it must be said vice versa) and thus head to the pub with said bloke for hair of the dog.
After a number of these random meetings many of which involve his friends and yours also being present you are deemed to be going out with each other.
You do this until the hangovers finally wear off and you realise that you have little to say to each other and so the cycle begins again. In some cases the hangovers never wear off and thus you marry. At the wedding all your friends get very drunk and pull each other and so it is that the British Isles manages to repopulate.
@emilyanne: That is SO true. It always blew my American mind that a British dude’s idea of asking me out was to ask me to come out with him and a pack of his friends. When this pattern kept repeating, I had a lot of head-scratching “so is he asking me out? like for a date? does this mean he’s interested?” moments that required consultation with British girlfriends before I realized that my US notion of one-on-one dates was the problem. Add to it the fact that I don’t drink and I’m woefully underequipped for the UK dating market.
@emilyanne: Wow, knowing that a year ago would have saved me a lot of hand-wringing and anxiety during the course of my relationship with (the now ex) English bf.
I went on a first date after two years of celibacy and recovering from a very painful and abusive relationship. I slept with the guy on my first date because honestly I was horny. I was also insecure and having body image issues and what not. A good tumble in the bed helped a lot. I am on Date Four still having good sex. I have a ‘spring in my step’ and quite a few judgey acquaintances are wondering what’s up.
It is really annoying to have to go out of your way to keep certain parts of you life secret from friends and family who are conservative but to also be chastised on public radio really takes the cake.
Whatever happens in or around my vagina is not a reflection on societies’ honour or morality.
@spicyplumchatni: Good for you! And yes, our vaginas are not some iconic representation of society or morality or even of us as people. We just use them where appropriate, according to need, like any other body part.
Do you suppose the american concept of dating is left over from the colony days where there weren’t many large social gatherings so it had to be a one on one type of thing? For some reason all of these comments reminded me of that horrible courtship candle tradition. where the candle was set in a little spiral thing that could be adjusted and the father would set how much time the boy could spend with the daughter and when the candle got to the particular point then he had to go.
@Tersa: Good question. Interestingly, in colonial times, a large percentage of brides went to the altar pregnant. A friend of mine did her doctoral thesis on sexual mores in colonial Virginia–she found that of the marriages contracted in one county over a 50 year period–this was in the 1700s–about 30% of the brides gave birth less than nine months after their wedding (as confirmed by juxtaposing wedding and baptismal records). Clearly the hook-up culture was dear to our Founding Fathers and their contemporaries!
Poppy and Becky – I have many American friends who experienced the same problems, that said i’ve never been that comfortable with the US dating thing when I was a student in New York i went on three dates and all were disasterous, I kept thinking ‘why can’t we all sort of hang out as friends’. And I do think it’s possibly more common in the UK for people to have a lot of friends of either sex, some of whom probably sleep together some of the time.
Tersa, interesting idea, it’s a period of time I know so little about – actually anyone who could recommend a good history would be doing me a great favour.
Thanks for your smart and entertaining critique. That NPR piece really rankled me this morning. You are right to see the ridiculously poor logic that drives this “trend” discussion, the hetero-normative blinders, the lack of historical perspective.
@emilyanne: I think it’s just what you’re used to. If you’re used to the US model–which is very direct but also anxiety-producing because it totally puts you on the spot–than you’ll be confused by the less direct, more informal UK model, the way I was. I can definitely see where going out with a group takes the pressure off because there are diversions if it doesn’t go well–I have definitely had those one-on-one dates where it’s not going well but you’re stuck at a table thinking “okay, this is the longest hour of my entire life.”
@Teresa: A one-on-one date culture still has utility, which has to be a reason it sticks around. After I left school I didn’t and don’t have as much time or opportunity for casual encounters in group atmospheres. My free time is on the weekend and (sometimes) after work in the week. When I’m interested in someone, my ability to meet up with her casually could be put off for weeks at a time, but if we seek to set up a simple, organized one-on-one, we have many more scheduling options.
@emilyanne: I can definitely see the advantage of the group-dating model (and it was something that was actually pretty commonly employed amongst my friends in school, but that was in the 90s, who knows what the young whipper-snappers are up to these days), but most of the time it left me baffled when we would make plans to meet for drinks and he’d inevitably show up with friends in tow, and he was always equally baffled that I would have any issue with it. Now I get it.
I love that George Bernard Shaw quote, “England and America are two countries separated by a common language.” I’m so used to being straight-forward and direct with men, something that seemed to scare the beejebus out of Mr. English. Anyway, thats a whole other topic.
What is this hookup culture, and where can I find it? This 20-year-old hasn’t been on a typical “date” in two years (and I barely even count that one for various reasons).
@PhDork: Maybe I completely misinterpreted his comment (or maybe you did) but I thought he was saying that the women make more money than him but still want him to take them out to a nice expensive dinner. Women made less so he didn’t have to pull out the big guns to impress them but now he does. And I have heard many time s on Jez that it is not that the man should always have to pay but whoever makes more. But I could be wrong. He never said he uses money as a way to get sex and think that is a little unfair to imply that.
This British information is very helpful! I wish they had a manual…
heh, I side with Poppy on the straight-talking scaring the British boys (and I am british, but grew up in France, and there’s a whole different ball game).On the other hand I’ve never been in Britain long enough to actually date a guy, just pull them, but I’ve never found it that complicated, except the bit where people are supposed to be officially in a relationship or not.^^
Back to the article, I guess I might be part of this hook-up generation, and proudly declare my non-interest for the slut-shamers advice. And i have tended to hook-up with friends, not with people I just met in a bar, most of which I still have a relationship with, so there’re my two cents. Seriously not convinced the sky is falling here.
I grin widely each time I read the title of this post.
“There’s no consideration for the fact that a lot of people who hook up are probably doing so with people they already know: friends, friends of friends, and/or people they have already hooked up with before. And you know what those are called? RELATIONSHIPS. Even if they’re the kind that don’t necessarily lead to marriage.”
Yes! I’m was so glad to read your response to the NPR article. It’s so right on!
[...] More Bellyachin’ about Sluts! [...]
@SarahMC, I do the same.
It’s funny–though my school was a Catholic college, they were a Jesuit college, and therefore more open to discussion than any other I’ve ever encountered (it also helps that Jesuits are the only order that exorcists come from AND they tend to be the most liberal of all Catholic priests). They actually held a pretty rational discussion of this back in 2002/03 when this was first becoming An Issue That Mattered, and honestly, I remember my fellow students being reasonable (for them, ‘hooking up’ meant casual displays of affection, not OMG TEH SEX) and everyone agreeing that being responsible when it came to sex was the best route possible, when this CRAZY CATHOLIC ABSTINENCE LADY (caps required, I swear!) started screaming at us (she hid in the back, just listening to our heathen responses and therefore growing more heated as the night went on) said that we were all going to hell.
Fortunately, no one listened to her.
Women are having autonomous, safe sex that they enjoy? And paying for dinner? Pass the smelling salts, I feel a bout of the vapours coming on!
Ah, the Madonna vs whore dichotomy.
I wrote a post on this in my blog (http://only-more-so.blogspot.com/2008/05/madonna-vs-whore-dichotomy-sex.html) a while ago (oooh a year already)… and have read lots of commentary on the whole thing.
It sucks, and the best thing you can do about it is call it and then ask, now what?
[...] media will never tire of milking this “hook-up culture” phenomenon. Apparently, oral sex is the new goodnight kiss among teenagers. I feel like I’ve [...]