logo

search

  • Home
  • About the Harpies
  • Contact Us
  • FAQ
delete
bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark

Jeans Shopping: A Rant

Posted by BeckySharper in Thoughts, Fashion, Rants on Jun 10, 2009, 9:00am | 53 comments
UGH. Via ktfox11 @ Flickr.

UGH. Via ktfox11 @ Flickr.

I fucking hate jeans shopping.

PhDork recently shared with us her teeth-gnashing, soul-crushing experience shopping for a decent bathing suit. I felt her pain. I really did. And I was immediately reminded of the second most soul-crushing shopping experience: jeans shopping. If bathing-suit shopping is Hell, jeans shopping is Purgatory–one long slog meant to punish us for all our sins, primarily for the sin of being a woman.

My deep and abiding hatred of jeans shopping began at age 12, when I hit puberty and my hips spread so fast that at 34 I still have the whited-out stretch marks caused by their rapid growth. I went from boyish stick figure to 38 inches of curvaceous booty practically overnight. That August, when MamaSharper took me back-to-school shopping, I was stuck in the dressing room, sweating and tugging as I tried to pull regular girls’ jeans over my suddenly ample ass. This was also in the bad old days of high-waisted “mom jeans,” so when jeans didn’t fit, they REALLY didn’t fit.

Post-puberty, I am–as Sir Mix-A-Lot eloquently put it–”little in the middle but she got much back.” Anything big enough for my hips is too big for my waist. My waist fits “petite” jeans, but petite pants ride up on me like clamdiggers. So whatever pair of jeans you hand me, I’m going to feel like a freak when they fit one part of me but not the others.

For most of middle school, while I was adjusting to my new body, I wore–God help me–stirrup pants. At least back then they were in style, although I cringe to look at photos from that time. With the stirrups, nothing was too tight or grabby on my hips or crotch, or too loose in the waist. Throw on a Benetton rolled-neck sweater on top and you’ve got yourself a halfway decent outfit. Or so I thought.

But by high school the stirrups were out, and I was back in…the dressing room, that is. What is it about dressing rooms that arouses such fear and loathing in our feminine souls? Is it the ugly florescent lighting that gives us jaundice and highlights every wrinkle, pimple or stray hair on our faces? Is is the mirrors, which–fun house-like–always seem to make us look squatter and stumpier and thicker around the middle than we actually are? And why did every dressing room of my youth seem to have a stray, foot-attacking pin or two embedded in the carpet? Ladies, if there is a hell, I’m convinced it’s a department store dressing room.

Besides the shitty surroundings, I was inevitably exhausted after trying on piles of jeans. It’s actually a good cardio workout to pull them on and off and wriggle and tug and zip and unzip the damn things. And I confess, I was always woefully unaware of the different brands and styles and cuts. I basically wore Levis, because they were on the cheap side and I could generally find them in a cut that, while not necessarily stylish, wasn’t too baggy and didn’t give me camel-toe. And once I got a wearable pair of jeans, baby, I wore those suckers out. Fortunately, denim is some durable shit, because I had jeans that I wore for YEARS, and only discarded when they actually started coming apart at the seams.* Anything to avoid going back into that dressing room.

This past year, faced with the grim prospect of having to buy new jeans, I took BFF Anne with me to Bloomingdales. Anne is a Southern belle and fashionista who always looks effortlessly put-together in a way I can never hope to achieve. I begged her to style me, especially in the ass-wear department. The trip was a roaring success; Anne hit the jeans section like a woman on a mission.  She knew all the styles and cuts, whereas I couldn’t tell a pair of Calvin Kleins from a pair of Chip and Pepper. I was kind of disappointed they didn’t have my old standby Levis, but when I said so, Anne gave me a withering look and handed me a pair of Paige jeans. They fit great on the first try. They were followed by several pairs of Theory dress pants, which also made my butt look great. Thank God for Anne, is all I can say. It was the first relatively non-painful jeans shopping experience that I can remember.

When I talk with my male friends and mention the evil that is jeans shopping, they all look at me kind of blankly. Except for a minority of clotheshorses–usually a gay minority–most men tell me they just try some jeans on and buy the ones that don’t squash their junk or fall down when they walk. The whole “dressing room as the Ninth Ring of Inferno” phenomenon seems to have passed them by. Is it because they don’t have hips and therefore things just fit better? Or because men are exempt from so much of the self-inflicted body shaming that plagues women?

So if your ass is chapped–often literally–by the whole experience of shopping for jeans, join the sisterhood. I’m convinced that if women ruled the world, all pants would be elastic-waisted (or maybe drawstring) made of a comfortable blend of knit and stretch fabric. And we would never, ever, have to go into a dressing room to buy them.

 

*With a couple spoonfuls of Mrs. Stewart’s bluing, you can easily revive the color on a faded out pair of jeans, if you’re so inclined.

Bookmark and share this post:
  • Digg
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Google Bookmarks
  • De.lirio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Technorati
  • Tumblr
  • TwitThis
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • email

53 Responses to “Jeans Shopping: A Rant”

  1. swedishfishing says:
    June 12, 2009 at 9:49 pm

    I wholeheartedly agree with everyone who recommended Joe’s Jeans Honey fit for the very hourglass-y among us. They’re cut a little bigger in the hips/butt in each size so that there’s no gapping at the waist. I LOVE them. They even have a skinny jean in the honey fit now, if that’s your thing. I bought my first pair at anthropologie, but I know you can order them online at revolveclothing and you can get them at Nordstrom too.

    Jeans and pants shopping is the reason I wear skirts and dresses 80% of the time. It’s such a pain to find jeans and pants that fit me really well, and when I find them, they’re ridiculously expensive. It’s so much easier for me to find skirts and dresses that fit me perfectly off the rack, so that’s what I do. I do sew, but making pants is a ridiculously monumental pain in the ass, so I don’t bother.

    Why are women’s pants so hard for clothing makers? I know a lot of women have the gapping issue, so it seems like it would make sense for companies to offer 2 or 3 versions of each size per style: one for women with less than average hip/butt measurements compared to their waists for that size, one in standard sizing, and one for women with larger hip/butt measurements compared to their waists for that size. Eh, eh, clothing companies? Wanna go for it?

  2. A Thank You from Me and My Booty - The Pursuit of Harpyness says:
    July 3, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    [...] I wrote last month about my deep and abiding dislike of shopping for jeans, several commenters suggested I try the Joe’s Honey line, which is made for those of us [...]

  3. Steve says:
    July 17, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    hi. I hate jeans shopping more than anything. I went today. I couldn’t find anytihng that fit and my sizes were missing. It was really frustrating cause there was hundreds of pairs. The most frustrating thing I can think of. I spent so much time I left only with one pair and they are to long. I’m going back tommorow. I’m going to try to be patient. I hate how sizes are aren’t the same from each style to the next. It drives me crazy.

« Older Comments

Leave a Reply

Click here to cancel reply.

random posts

Ta-Ta For Now!...
In Which The Grey Lady Gets Punked...
Friday Fun Thread: Superstitions...

recent comments

  • Skada: In my pre-feminist days, I used to wish people would catcall...
  • Cimorene: @Cat - This is an excellent point; my apologies for neglecti...
  • mischiefmanager: That cartoon is so sad, and so true. I don't get that stu...
  • Dawn.: Hugh Hefner is a total douche-bag. I'm not surprised some ri...
  • Cat: Just thought I'd add that you ought to refine your definitio...
  • JessMess: THANK YOU so much for this. I read it on a certain other sit...

Tags

Abortion Activism Anger Anti-feminists Assweasels Beauty Culture Busybodies Children Choosing Your Choice Double Standards Education Empowerfulment Fashion Fat Is A Feminist Issue Feminism Great Male Narcissists Hollywood Ladylike Endeavors LGBT Marriage Masculinity Misogyny Motherhood Overshare Politics Race Racism Rants Religion Reproductive rights Sex Sexism Sexual violence So-Called Self-Improvement Solipsism Stereotypes The Media Theory and Practice Things That Are Awesome Unexpected Consequences Uteri Police Violence against women and girls Women's Health Women's Work Work Administrative Professionals Day (2)
Anonymous Prosecutor (3)
Culcha Vulcha (31)
Feminist Food for Thought (12)
Friday Fun Thread (47)
Guest Post (16)
Harpy Book Club (10)
Harpy Cinematical Society (8)
Harpy Droppings (2)
Harpy Hall of Fame (20)
Harpy Periodical (3)
Harpy Seminar (23)
Harpy Shout-out (51)
Harpy Televisual Society (3)
Heard (1)
Help Me Harpies! (5)
Honorary Harpies (16)
Housekeeping (23)
International Museum of Women (1)
Language Matters (19)
Linkaround (5)
Morning Snark (39)
Reader Request (7)
Retro Pleasures (10)
Solo Flying (54)
Thoughts (835)
You Have Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me (100)

WP Cumulus Flash tag cloud by Roy Tanck and Luke Morton requires Flash Player 9 or better.

Blogroll

  • A Truly Elegant Mess
  • Bitch
  • Bookslut
  • Deeply Problematic
  • Echidne of the Snakes
  • F Bomb
  • Feminist Law Professors
  • Feminist Philosophers
  • Feministe
  • Feministing
  • Fugitivus
  • FWD/Forward
  • Geek Feminism
  • gudbuy t'jane
  • Hoyden About Town
  • Hysteria!
  • I Blame the Patriarchy
  • Jezebel
  • Kate Harding’s Shapely Prose
  • Katha Pollitt
  • Like a Whisper
  • Maud Newton
  • Pandagon
  • Racialicious
  • Rage Against the Man-chine
  • Salon’s Broadsheet
  • Shakesville
  • Ta-Nehisi Coates
  • The Angry Black Woman
  • The Curvature
  • The F Word
  • The Feminist Agenda
  • The Feminist Texican
  • Tiger Beatdown
  • Womanist Musings
  • Women’s Voices for Change

Archives

  • September 2010
  • August 2010
  • July 2010
  • June 2010
  • May 2010
  • April 2010
  • March 2010
  • February 2010
  • January 2010
  • December 2009
  • November 2009
  • October 2009
  • September 2009
  • August 2009
  • July 2009
  • June 2009
  • May 2009
  • April 2009
  • March 2009
  • February 2009
  • January 2009

Search

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in
  • Valid XHTML
  • XFN
  • WordPress

Twitter Updates

google

google

.

Copyright © 2010. Creative Commons License
The Pursuit of Harpyness is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.

Powered by Wordpress | Designed by Elegant Themes

The harpy art you see in our banner above is by Ursula Dodge. Visit her etsy store!