UGH. Via ktfox11 @ Flickr.
I fucking hate jeans shopping.
PhDork recently shared with us her teeth-gnashing, soul-crushing experience shopping for a decent bathing suit. I felt her pain. I really did. And I was immediately reminded of the second most soul-crushing shopping experience: jeans shopping. If bathing-suit shopping is Hell, jeans shopping is Purgatory–one long slog meant to punish us for all our sins, primarily for the sin of being a woman.
My deep and abiding hatred of jeans shopping began at age 12, when I hit puberty and my hips spread so fast that at 34 I still have the whited-out stretch marks caused by their rapid growth. I went from boyish stick figure to 38 inches of curvaceous booty practically overnight. That August, when MamaSharper took me back-to-school shopping, I was stuck in the dressing room, sweating and tugging as I tried to pull regular girls’ jeans over my suddenly ample ass. This was also in the bad old days of high-waisted “mom jeans,” so when jeans didn’t fit, they REALLY didn’t fit.
Post-puberty, I am–as Sir Mix-A-Lot eloquently put it–”little in the middle but she got much back.” Anything big enough for my hips is too big for my waist. My waist fits “petite” jeans, but petite pants ride up on me like clamdiggers. So whatever pair of jeans you hand me, I’m going to feel like a freak when they fit one part of me but not the others.
For most of middle school, while I was adjusting to my new body, I wore–God help me–stirrup pants. At least back then they were in style, although I cringe to look at photos from that time. With the stirrups, nothing was too tight or grabby on my hips or crotch, or too loose in the waist. Throw on a Benetton rolled-neck sweater on top and you’ve got yourself a halfway decent outfit. Or so I thought.
But by high school the stirrups were out, and I was back in…the dressing room, that is. What is it about dressing rooms that arouses such fear and loathing in our feminine souls? Is it the ugly florescent lighting that gives us jaundice and highlights every wrinkle, pimple or stray hair on our faces? Is is the mirrors, which–fun house-like–always seem to make us look squatter and stumpier and thicker around the middle than we actually are? And why did every dressing room of my youth seem to have a stray, foot-attacking pin or two embedded in the carpet? Ladies, if there is a hell, I’m convinced it’s a department store dressing room.
Besides the shitty surroundings, I was inevitably exhausted after trying on piles of jeans. It’s actually a good cardio workout to pull them on and off and wriggle and tug and zip and unzip the damn things. And I confess, I was always woefully unaware of the different brands and styles and cuts. I basically wore Levis, because they were on the cheap side and I could generally find them in a cut that, while not necessarily stylish, wasn’t too baggy and didn’t give me camel-toe. And once I got a wearable pair of jeans, baby, I wore those suckers out. Fortunately, denim is some durable shit, because I had jeans that I wore for YEARS, and only discarded when they actually started coming apart at the seams.* Anything to avoid going back into that dressing room.
This past year, faced with the grim prospect of having to buy new jeans, I took BFF Anne with me to Bloomingdales. Anne is a Southern belle and fashionista who always looks effortlessly put-together in a way I can never hope to achieve. I begged her to style me, especially in the ass-wear department. The trip was a roaring success; Anne hit the jeans section like a woman on a mission. She knew all the styles and cuts, whereas I couldn’t tell a pair of Calvin Kleins from a pair of Chip and Pepper. I was kind of disappointed they didn’t have my old standby Levis, but when I said so, Anne gave me a withering look and handed me a pair of Paige jeans. They fit great on the first try. They were followed by several pairs of Theory dress pants, which also made my butt look great. Thank God for Anne, is all I can say. It was the first relatively non-painful jeans shopping experience that I can remember.
When I talk with my male friends and mention the evil that is jeans shopping, they all look at me kind of blankly. Except for a minority of clotheshorses–usually a gay minority–most men tell me they just try some jeans on and buy the ones that don’t squash their junk or fall down when they walk. The whole “dressing room as the Ninth Ring of Inferno” phenomenon seems to have passed them by. Is it because they don’t have hips and therefore things just fit better? Or because men are exempt from so much of the self-inflicted body shaming that plagues women?
So if your ass is chapped–often literally–by the whole experience of shopping for jeans, join the sisterhood. I’m convinced that if women ruled the world, all pants would be elastic-waisted (or maybe drawstring) made of a comfortable blend of knit and stretch fabric. And we would never, ever, have to go into a dressing room to buy them.
*With a couple spoonfuls of Mrs. Stewart’s bluing, you can easily revive the color on a faded out pair of jeans, if you’re so inclined.
most men tell me they just try some jeans on and buy the ones that don’t squash their junk or fall down when they walk.
I dunno, maybe my husband’s a bit vainer than most, but we went shopping recently and he was concerned about fit and proportion. (He has thin legs and wide shoulders so anything remotely in the “skinny jeans” category is emphatically a no go).
Sing it, sister. My weight fluctuates, and when you’re not very big to start with, five pounds or so can mean a size up or down in jeans, which means shelling out another $40-50 bucks at The Gap or your favorite Levis retailer, or nearly $200 for the brands you’ve mentioned.
For the last several years, I’ve shopped for jeans at thrift stores. It does require time and patience, as one must inspect jeans (and anything else found at a second-hand store) carefully, and spend time in the dreaded dressing room. But I don’t spend more than $10 on jeans this way, and they’re pre-shrunk!
I have to say, my biggest problem with jean buying is that my cheap ass can’t bear to part with the astronomical sums jeans go for these days. Thats why I favor stores for teens like Delias, Charlotte Russe, Forever 21, Pacific Suncoast etc… Do I feel like a Grandma? yes. But I can usually find jeans for under 40$
bluebears, I feel your pain – jeans, trainers and sunglasses are the things that I refuse to spend money on. This is why I struggle to assimilate in the US i’m sure.
Becky – until I became pregnant i hadn’t worn jeans for over five years because of my hip/waist issues and general despair over finding a pair. Now i just live in my maternity jeans which may not flatter but are very comfortable.
Paige jeans!! My secret weapon is revealed. Even my girlfriends stop dead in their tracks when they see me in these, as if I got a new ass or something overnight. They are expensive, but I figure since I dont dry them and they wear like iron, I’ll have them for 20 years. Wont that be cute? My 60 year old ass running around, partying like it was…2009!
@bluebears: I totally feel this way about jeans–they just don’t seem like something that one should pay $200 for. Although I have to say, when I finally did buy the expensive kind, it does fit better and look nicer, and I figure that as much as I wear jeans–and I literally wear them until they hang in tatters off my body–they amortize better than, say, the $200 cocktail dress I wear twice a year.
@emilyanne: I am jealous of that elastic waistband on maternity jeans. It looks so comfy.
My dream world: All yoga pants, all the time.
Real life: the dreaded big butt problem.
I need to buy a pair of maternity jeans. My girlfriend (who is actually with child) at work has a pair from Target and they are really nice!
I have the same dream world as you, DM.
@bluebears, BeckySharper: Jeans and comfortable dress shoes are two things I’m willing to pay good money for because I think the more expensive ones are better constructed.
For those of us who are on the bootylicious side (BS I also have those white stretch marks!) Joe’s Jeans Honey line fits quite well. Joe’s also has a trouser style jean that’s great for casual Friday. Alas, my secret weapon is revealed.
@misscalculate: Oooh, where can I buy those?
Multiple stores carry them. I have seen them at Nordstrom, Saks, and Anthropologie and have heard of their existence at Belk’s but have not verified that for myself.
You can also get Joe’s Jeans at South Moon Under.
Fess up, Becky! Is your real name George Will?!
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/15/AR2009041502861.html
Best paragraph: “This is not complicated. For men, sartorial good taste can be reduced to one rule: If Fred Astaire would not have worn it, don’t wear it. For women, substitute Grace Kelly.” Tut tut!
I have gone through long periods in my life where I wore nothing but skirts and knit pants/shorts. I have a tiny waist, sway back, normal hips, and large thighs. On top of that, I’m incredibly sensitive to fit. Thank goodness I can sew for myself! Even when I can find a pair of ready-to-wear pants that “fit”, I know I will be taking in the waist and shortening the hem.
Every other year, I walk into Express and buy two pairs of low-rise, short, boot-cut jeans. Great if you’re short and curvy (ugh I shuddered typing “curvy” but I don’t know what else to say). Usually around $40, I think. It seems there’s always a sale.
A salesperson once told me that, because of the way denim is cut, sizing isn’t completely uniform, even within a brand. So one size X might fit funny, while another size X might be perfect.
Why IS the lighting in dressing rooms so horrid? I always look like a cadaver.
It is so nice to know that I am not alone in the hell that is jean-shopping. And can I gripe here: low-rise jeans are not an ample booty’s friend. Especially since I also have a small waist making it even harder to keep jeans up on my hips. I have plenty of jeans that fit great so long as I stay standing all the time… but my fear of bar-stools and non-booth style seating at restaurants is palpable, should my plumber-crack ever be revealed. Has anyone found stylish jeans that hover somewhere between low-rise and high-waisted mom jeans?
I second (or is it third?) Joe’s Jeans! They literally opened my eyes, until then I bought jeans to fit my thighs and behind and just wore belts with the waist all bunched up. Also, I recently lost a bunch of weight (through hardword) and can wear express jeans again…and they fit right too! But only one cut, the ones that are almost skinny jeans, but still flare out slightly at the bottom and they look great!
I have actually been bummed because I need a new pair of the Joe’s, and I really do hate the price…but such a great investment.
I hear what you’re saying about the more expensive jeans fitting better and lasting longer but…argh the cheap!
I am so with you on the waist to hip ratio issues, only instead of being bootylicious, I’m mostly just broad-hipped with a flat ass. Also, I’m on the tall side, which complicates matters. For a very brief while, Gap made this certain style of jeans that was perfect. Then they discontinued them. So I started buying them on Ebay. Then recently my body has sort of been changing shape, and those don’t even fit as well as they should. I’ve tried on my sister’s Seven jeans, and they do fit like a dream. I just can’t justify that price. I feel guilty paying full price at the GAP!
I used to wear jeans every day, now not so much, mostly because I live in a hot climate and wear mostly skirts and dresses.
@BearDownCBears: LOL! I’ve been outed! Wait, let me adjust my bow tie!
Note to self: check out Joe’s jeans when current pair falls off body.
I feel your pain, ladies! Every time I find something that fits, the company in question discontinues the style. WTF? I also wear jeans once or twice a week max, so can’t get on board with the $200 per pair thing. For a while I was all over the smallest womens Levi’s lowrise style. Then, of course, discontinued. But lo and behold! I found something at the Gap this year that fits like a glove, looks like I spent $200 rather than $70, and comes in more than one shade. Of course, one color is tighter than the other, so one pair I can put in the dryer and one not. And I have to remember which is which so I don’t ruin all that hard work finding them in the first place. Grrr…
OMG someone else who got stretch marks from growth spurts… I thought I was the only one. It was horrible, I remember being a teenager and my mom pointing them out to one of her friends why we were at a lake and all in swimsuits, and she pointed them out to her friend and said have you ever seen that happen from growth spurts before and her friend was all surprised and said she’d never seen that happen. It was kind of mortifying.
@Tersa: Oh no, you’re not the only one. I call theose stretch marks my “tiger stripes.” Fortunately they’ve turned silvery white by now, but you can definitely still see them in some lights. In my early teens they were bright red and pink and they literally looked like someone had clawed sideways all along my hips and lower back. I was SO self-conscious of them well up into my 20s, when they finally started to fade.
At first glance I thought the title was “Jesus Shopping” and I couldn’t figure out what the hell…
I don’t often wear jeans anymore, but when I do, I wear Seven7 jeans. A. They come in plus sizes, and B. They are the first jeans since Chic jeans in the 80s that even come close to fitting my hips AND my waist. I have the same problem you do, in that there can be a 2-4 size difference between the two measurements for me.
I don’t know how small they go, but if you can find them in your size give them a try.
I didn’t realize Seven7 jeans came in plus sizes. That’s cool; but it SUCKS that other designer denim brands don’t.
Many women do still have stretch marks, and not just for growth spurt reasons. I know we all feel badly about them because we’re told to, but I just wanted to say what I know you already know: nothing in stretch marks to be ashamed about.
Thanks for the term amortize. It’ll sound much better when I do my clothes-and-accessories payment justification. “if I buy a $150 pair of jeans and wear them three times a week all year, then I have gotten my money’s worth.”
And so on.
Lucky jeans have a good mid rise style, Zoe I believe. Very comfortable, too! And if you sign up for their online mailing list, I believe they send out 40% off coupons from time to time.
I think another reason that men have it easier is because their jeans have different waist and length sizing, so there’s not as much guesswork as to what a certain size will actually fit like. That’s not to say that a 33X32 is always a 33×32, but at least it’s not crappy vanity sizing which gives you no clue of dimensions!
I have never, and don’t see how I could ever, spend $200 on a single item of clothing. Not jeans, not shoes, not fancy evening clothes or even a winter coat. I don’t know if this is because I am cheap, or poor. Probably a little of both.
Department stores always give me this sinking feeling–they say “you are not welcome, you are not normal, you don’t deserve to look good.” I just wish people would talk about this stuff more, because for the longest time, I thought I was the only one. The stores serve to reinforce patriarchal values. Women are made to feel less than for being too large (tall, fat, curvy, combinations of those). I also started noticing a similar disparity in men’s clothing while shopping with my husband. They clothes they make for men are all so huge! How do smaller guys dress themselves?
Seconding the frustration added to the jeans-shopping endeavor when one is tall. It’s unconscionable to me to spend more than $35 on jeans, so my strategy is to find something that works (right now Levi’s 515s since they consistently sell jeans in accessible locations in tall lengths) and buy a stack of them in different colors.
Still, I’m relatively slim, so I complain, but it’s not terribly hard for me to find pants (can usually find something on a single outing). I do feel terrible for my sister, though, who is heavier and much curvier than I am–trying to help her find a dress that both fit and looked flattering was impossible.
As a Brick (da, da, da-da) House, I’ve got an Joan-like hourglass figure. The jeans I loved were the Prize Jean from the doomed Forth & Towne. Second runner-up is the Eva cut with flare leg from Express.
Yes, Jessica! WHY don’t women’s pants come in waist/length!? This would solve so many problems.
@CeeJee: Extra super bonus points for the Joan namecheck.
@ funnyface Fuck brands that discontinue your favourite line. I nearly wept when I realised Levi’s no longer made the X-Flare. Oh the many hours I have spent trying to find a random pair on ebay.
If you can bring yourself to go to Nordstrom and pay full price, they have a really pretty great selection of Joe’s, 7s, Paige and others that people have brought up. 7s fit me well- they’re sizing is huge!- but they wear out in about ten days.
Another woman with stretch marks from puberty here. The ones on my breasts show when I wear low-cut tops.
Anyone in NYC, Loehman’s is the best place to get jeans. They sell the designer brands (Joe’s, Paige) for $50-100, and generally have a pretty good selection of sizes and styles, if you don’t mind last season’s wash (me, I couldn’t tell last season’s wash from this season’s wash to save my life).
Also, I’ve found that Anthropologie has a really good selection of jeans that are neither super low cut nor high-waisted Mom jeans. I try stuff on there, note the brands and cuts that I like, and then look for them on sale elsewhere.
Lane Bryant Right Fit Jeans.
I’m 5’1″ with a 37″ ass and a 25″ waist. Every pair of pants I try on that fits over my thighs and rear-end has a gap in the waist big enough to stick another person in and usually six inches of cloth hanging off my feet. I finally gave up trying to find pants that fit and started taking them to the tailor. Ugh. HATE jeans shopping.
I have given up on jeans. I wear skirts and dresses almost exclusively, and yoga pants for around the home or when I’m running out to buy milk. The last six pairs of jeans I owned, whether cheap or designer (I once spent $200 on a pair, I’m ashamed to say), I had the ass CATASTROPHICALLY blow out on me. IN PUBLIC. SIX TIMES. As in, I would pull them on in the morning, intact, and at some point during the day it would be brought to my attention that the ass had ripped wiiiiide open. I concluded that no pair of jeans can contain my booty (which is not even really that big, god), and made the move to skirts.
P.S. I think stretch marks are incredibly sexy. There’s something sensual about the radiating lines on someone’s skin. I like them on myself, but I just love them on other people.
@BeckySharper,Tersa: My stretch marks blossomed when I was 13 and went from 87 pounds to 107 in a single winter, mainly in the bottom half of me. They are now starting fade to that lovely silvery tone, which I am forever grateful for.
My jeans shopping woes are basically the same as yours. My bum and hips are generally 2 sizes larger than my waist size, which has left me with few options for jeans, especially since I am cheap, cheap, cheap! Spending more than $70 on any piece of clothing makes me cringe, even though I wear jeans to literal shreds when I do find a good pair.
Once a year, I take a few bucks and run through Manhattan consignment shops,with teeth gritted, which seem to have a decent range of nicer jeans, as long as you don’t mind picking through and wearing someone else’s clothes.Pre-shrunk and worn in, as someone said above!
I’ll confess to being a designer jeans whore and to owning multiple pairs and styles of Sevens and Citizens, a pair of Joe’s, and a pair of AG’s. I used to have a pair of 575s but I wore them to tatters (and I miss them so). I make no excuses.
I will say this, however: I have never paid full price for any of them. The Nordstrom Rack usually has a GREAT selection of Sevens and Joe’s, at least in Portland, for $90 instead of $200. I know the Rack also carries some other designer jeans, but I pay less attention to the selection they have of Paige, True Religion, Hudson, etc, because those brands don’t fit me. Bluefly also has a reasonable designer jeans selection, especially less well-known brands like 575. I am also a member of a couple of those one-day sale websites (Gilt Groupe and Haute Look), and bought a couple pairs of Citizens from Haute Look for $100 apiece about a month ago. When I was in law school, I bought my 575s and a pair of Joe’s at a designer jeans sale on campus; there were just like 20 racks of jeans set up in an empty ballroom at the University Club. I don’t know how you find out about those things if you’re not a student – I just saw a flier – but no one checked my student ID or anything, so I assume they’re open to the public. And they were $70 apiece – total bargain.
Fit-wise, I too have a bigger ass and smaller waist – standard pear-shaped, and I have found that Citizens (Ingrids, Kates, and whatever the trouser cut is called) fit me quite well. Seven A-pockets are also amazing, but boot cuts are a little unforgiving (mine actually chafe my hip bones). I have some Seven Flynts, too, but I had to get them a size up. My AG’s are Angels, and I don’t wear them very often because they tend to gap at the waist and are tight on the leg to below the knee – if I had the guts to tuck jeans into boots, these would be perfect, but my ass insecurity doesn’t allow for that look. My 575s were flat-out perfect, but they have gone to jeans heaven, sadly.
Regarding rise, I’ve noticed a huge change since I bought my first pair of overpriced jeans in 2003. Those jeans (the aforementioned chafing 7 bootcuts) barely cover my crack standing up, whereas the A-pockets I have on now (late ’07) are plenty high for sitting down. I think that’s true of most brands these days, but I can’t say for sure.
I’m 5’4″ and fortunate to fit into standard sizes, but I get almost all my designer jeans hemmed. I take them to Nordy’s. It’s not free if you don’t buy them there, but sometimes if you’ve got a brand and style they sell they won’t ask for a receipt, they’ll just assume you bought them there and hem them for free. You have to wash and dry your jeans once before you have them hemmed, anyway, so the tags are already off. (Yes, I know that’s dishonest, and I’m okay with that. They get a LOT of money from me already.)
And thus endeth my dissertation on expensive jeans. For what it’s worth, I think I buy designer jeans because I’m not particularly fashion forward and feel like the butt pockets of my jeans help legitimize/excuse my ubiquitous conservative black or solid color shirts. I wear designer jeans and a solid color shirt (sweater or fitted T depending on the weather) pretty much all the time, and swap out heels, running shoes, and flip flops as necessary.
The thing that gives me fits about jean (or any pants) shopping is my very short waist; any jeans that sit near my natural waist look like uber mom jeans. I call it the Steve Urkel effect. To avoid it, I must buy pants that sit low on my hips, but then the crotch and butt areas don’t hit right. I always have diaper sag in the front and back. One thing to be grateful for, though, is the proliferation of tall sizes. As a teen, I got so sick of, “hehe, when’s the flood coming?”
I have the exact same problem! I’ve stopped wearing pants altogether (don’t worry–I wear skirts) because jeans just don’t fit over my legs anymore. My waist-to-butt ratio is ridiculous.
I haven’t gone jeans-shopping in Israel for a while but that tends to work out better for me, since a lot of girls here have that same body type. Hopefully that works out for me.
I don’t mind shopping for bathing suits, but definately hate jean shopping. I’ve got the opposite problem from many of you- I’ve got a big waist and ‘small’ hips in comparison, and short legs/never wear heels. (just brick-shaped, not a brick house!)So I guess you can’t win until you are an actual plastic mannequin. When I find ones that I like, I’ll buy two pairs, but even that used to backfire since inevitably the pair I don’t try on was always significantly tighter than the first pair. Stretch jeans are my friend.
Given the heel and height variable, I’d love to see more than one or two lengths offered.
Also the waist/length thing explains my US jeans issues – in the UK they do come in waist/length in most places, I have been very confused trying to find the equivalent here.
Oh my sweet Lord, how I feel y’all’s pain!
Shopping for jeans makes me weep and mutter “fuck this shit” in an ongoing stream of frustration.
I’m 5’2″, 28″ inseam with big thighs, a 28″ waist, and (wait for it) a 38″ ass. That’s ten inches of disparity, yo. Bootleg jeans, which are supposed to be manna from heaven for all body shapes? Make my hips go swooping out on either side like jodhpurs. We’re not even going to discuss the evil that is skinny legged jeans–make they perish from the earth!
Seriously, jean manufactures? Would it be so dammed hard to make pants for women with asses?
Ranting aside, I have had decent luck with Banana Republic’s classic wide-leg trousers, which run $90 when they’re not on sale. They only come in one inseam (naturally), so I have to wear them with 4″ heels, but they make my legs go on for days.
I also got great feedback for http://makeyourownjeans.com/
I love love love how customizable and CHEAP they are–I’m planning on taking my measurements and ordering a pair this month;
anyone want feedback for how that goes?
Does anyone else think that if department stores made their lighting flattering, it might end the economic recession?
Yar, my mate has a problem with finding jeans that fit him, because he is apparently on the “short” side for a guy. Which is still a head taller than me, but since I can’t find anything outside of the children’s section that doesn’t entirely swallow my feet and drag on the ground that’s probably not saying much.
Right now I am wearing a pair of pants that are supposed to be tie-up capris, but they come to my ankles.
What makes this all worse is that I would prefer to shop in the boy’s section and get nice baggy cargo pants with tons of pockets, but I have that whole butt-and-hip thing going on too. GRRR.
I need to write a post on my own blog about what a pain being short can be, apparently, because I just uncovered a whole can of angst here.
Jeans are pure hell for me, but my figure problem is the polar opposite. From the waist down I’m built like a 12-year-old boy.
Think that’s not a problem? Try buying women’s jeans. Or any women’s pants for that matter. If they fit in the waist you can fit four of me in the seat.
My solution? I wear a lot of yoga pants. Jeans are impossible. I shop in the junior department but that’s a hell of its own, which a crotch rise of about 1.4 inches. Middle age women get arrested for wearing jeans that low.
And don’t get me started on my husband. He’s worn the same model Levi’s with a size 32 waist for his entire adult life. To him, jeans shopping means checking to see if they have his size in stock.
I used to wear men’s jeans (nicely low rise in an era of “natural waist” jeans and I don’t have a waist) until one day, senior year of college (I was a late bloomer in this area) I woke up with hips and stretch marks. WTH? And thence began the endless search for jeans. Why I got stretch marks from normal growth but not from pregnancy, I cannot say.
I am a proud member of this sisterhood! I had pretty much exactly the same experience as BeckySharper as a teen – went to bed with a boyish figure, woke up with 38 inches of booty. I adore jeans, but only if I can find a pair that actually fits, and the search is never fun. And I’m rather on the short side as well, so that just complicates matters.
Actually, I’m going to be due for some new jeans soon . . . not exactly looking forward to /that/ shopping trip . . .
I seriously spent a whole afternoon crying and trying to figure out how I’d make it another 50+ years of my life without being able to buy another pair of jeans, after trying on every pair in the entire mall!
I remember being able to find perfectly fitting jeans not too long ago. Now my body has not changed much. My measurements are about the same though I did put on 5 pounds. But now since all these jean lines have changed nothing is made for normal people anymore!
Why can’t women’s jeans be more like men’s with waist and length sizes? A 4 is not a 4 for everyone at every store! They are totally different no matter what line of clothing you choose and my hips might be the same as someone else but my waist may not be. Jean manufacturing companies have gotta get their shit together!