But a feminist? No. PHDork’s description works for my dad too: a my daughter can do whatever she wants-ist. Like, my daughter can read Torah and lead services beautifully- even though he goes to an Orthodox synagogue that would never allow me to do so. My feminism is a little too much for him these days, and we get into arguments about my liberal feminist politics every time I’m home.

But at the same time, he’s always supported me, and while the gender roles are hugely exaggerated these days now that I’m not living at home, I never really felt that my brother and I were treated too differently. Dad’s the reason I love baseball- sofalg, I think we’ve bonded over dads and baseball before. My favorite story is always that when he had a business trip to Detroit in 2001, and his business associate got tickets to a game at Tiger Stadium, during the last season at the old Tiger Stadium, my dad didn’t bring his seven year old son who was playing baseball already. He brought his nine year old daughter instead, and I kept score at the game.

My dad is the best, hardest working guy I know. At this very moment he’s standing on a ladder in front of my house re-building and screening our porch – just like he has been for the last 5 days. This is his summer vacation. And although he probably doesn’t recognize his actions as dismissing gender norms, he expects me to be out there nailing and sawing and power-tooling right along side.

I have always really appreciated this dynamic in my family and have NO patience with dudes who spout nonsense about traditional women’s roles. I think it instilled in me a deep understanding that I can do whatever I want, and that there are guys out there who aren’t insecure about women who make more money or climb higher on the ladder than they do. I don’t really know yet whether I want to become a high-powered partner, but I do know I won’t tolerate men who would refuse to support that goal because I’m a woman.

@spicyplumchatni: Thank you for sharing that. I think we “Westerners” have a tendency to reduce many Eastern cultures to unflattering and narrow stereotypes. Thanks for providing a legitimate perspective not twisted by our inaccurate and unquestioned beliefs.

Dad was born and brought up in a part of the world where conservative is normal, gender roles are deeply embedded, misogyny is rampant, child abuse in the name of culture is the norm. This is part and parcel of belonging to my extended family. My father went against his conservative Hindu family and married my mother who was older than him, was a Catholic Christian and from a state so far away that English was the only language they had in common the first five years of their marriage. They got kicked out their families for a short while for daring to do so.
My earliest memories of my father cooking all meals (my mom didn’t know how to cook) and sewing cute dresses (okay, he added a lot of frills and lace) for me. When my cousins decked up in sarees during festivals, he bought me Jeans and T-shirts to wear. (Yes, I used to hate it at the time, whereas he didn’t think there was any need for his ten year old to dress up as a grown up).
He was mostly absent during my teenage years working far away visiting only once a year when he could get time off. As a result, he was always the good guy and mom was perpetually the bad guy. I think he benefitted from that a lot. We reconnected when I was 21 and in the US of A. I was just beginning my feminist education, so of course, our relationship was contentious initially. We had major fights about philosophies. He was very opposed to ideas of pre-marital sex and relationships other than marriage. (In all fairness, his standards applied to men as well, but he felt that women would be disadvantaged in society more than men as a result of such actions).
Now, he identifies as a liberal person. He defends same-sex marriages, sometimes even to Indian super orthodox Christian gathering of my mom’s relatives. Unlike my mother who chooses to ignore it, my father recognized my brother’s struggle with his sexuality. And, unlike mom, he doesn’t nag me about being unmarried.
My father could just stick to what is easier & familiar, old fashioned ideas (like my mom and most other Indian parents I know) but he chose to face reality and evolve with the changing landscape. That takes tremendous courage. And that was my biggest lesson- to have the courage to challenge everything.

My dad is NOT a feminist. But he did raise me to be a feminist. I think that stems from his belief that men of his generation can’t be feminist because that would make them feminine. But feminism is OK for the younger generations.

My dad taught me to be independent of any man. Get married, yes. But don’t wait on a husband to buy a house. Marry a man who can take good care of you, but don’t depend on his money.

Again, I bring up The Cosby Show: if you want to understand exactly how I was raised, there you have it. Even tho’ my dad was blue-collar like James from Good Times, he married a strong woman like Claire and helped raise some pretty fiercely independent, educated, vocal feminist daughters.

Just like SarahMC and PhDork, my dad would probably never overtly claim to be feminist, although he kind of is, in his own quiet way. My mom’s pretty outspoken and chatty (traits I inherited, natch) and would definitely identify as a feminist. My dad’s much more taciturn, but everything he does and says (when he bothers to say anything, it’s always either true or important or both) reinforces the feminist leanings my mom expresses overtly. (He himself was raised by my awesome grandfather and kickass grandmother, so there you go.)

If anything, he taught me that it’s possible to be a feminist without being visibly identifiable as such; he also normalized feminism for me by not drawing attention to it. He raised me with the utopian belief that his quiet, effortless feminism was the norm. Now I’m much more cynical, of course, but I still think that my dad’s unspoken feminism has made me into a strong woman with high expectations re: being treated as an equal.