via irlLordy @ Flickr.
Gentle readers, I’ve spent the last few days in my childhood home, shrouded in a deep, dank pea-soup fog of testosterone, thanks to my three little brothers–ages 23, 19 and 18. All three of them are handsome, brilliant and charming, but also some of the foremost practitioners of the Dudely Arts, including–but certainly not limited to–entitlement, casual misogyny, and loudly hocking loogies in public. Their mother is the classic indulgent helicopter-y stay-at-home mom who does every single thing for them–if they’ve learned how to prepare meals, wash their own clothes or clean their own rooms, it’s entirely accidental, believe me. With Mommy as their household slave, they never learned to respect women as equals, which has led to some loud confrontations over the years. This harpy is not amused when they call their classmates “whores” and “bitches”, or when they laugh at me for being angry about important issues like pay equity. And they received the full Feminist Lecture Series from me when they kept maligning Madam Secretary of State during her presidential campaign.
Now, my brothers are young, and they’re a work in progress. I love the sinners but hate the dudely sins. To be fair to them, they didn’t have strong female role models growing up. I’m the only harpy in the family and I left home before the youngest was walking. And our father is not much help. But while they’re outwardly anti-feminist, I’m seeing some distinctly positive trends in the gender relations department. For one thing, they all date very smart women who can more than hold their own. No bimbos or doormats for the Sharper brothers–they prefer bright young things who are willing to call them on their shit. And when I booted up the computer this morning, the last Google search (done late last night) was “how to make a woman orgasm.” So maybe there’s some hope for the Dudes yet.
Don’t get me wrong, though. I seriously look forward to hanging out with my brothers; it’s tremendously relaxing and entertaining. In some ways, they’re much easier company than female friends and relatives.
For example:
1. My brothers do not care what I eat. Female family members routinely make comments like “Oh, I wish I could have that carrot cake” or “I don’t know how you can eat that burger–I’d gain ten pounds just looking at it.” My brothers will happily accompany me to Five Guys, order the burger with fries and then stop by Cheesecake Factory later. (Did I mention we’re from the ‘burbs?) No guilting or calorie counting or lurking body issues, ever.
2. With my brothers, I can be up front and unashamed about my sex life. Not that we discuss this in detail–because that would be gross–but if I mention that I’m dating two guys at a time, or that I took a guy home on the first date, they just shrug and say “sounds good.” No wanting to overanalyze every date and phone call. No slut shaming masquerading as concern: “Oh Becky, you’re not going to have a serious relationship if you do that.” My brothers aren’t Rules Girls and they could care less about my romantic life. Love them.
3. I can wear whatever the fuck I want around my brothers, which often includes their clothes. I rarely pack much when I go home because I know I’m mostly going to be slopping around the house in oversize shorts and shirts purloined from their closets. All the bullshit trappings of femininity–makeup, heels, skirts–don’t matter when I’m with my brothers, unlike when I’m with, say, my grandmother or aunts, who size up my outfits, my hair and the size of my ass as soon as I walk in the room.
In a lot of ways, being with my brothers lets me take a vacation from a lot of the pressures of being female in our society. The irony, of course, is that this vacation is due entirely to the fact that men exist in an alternate universe of privilege where they aren’t constantly being fed toxic messages about their bodies and sexuality or being shamed and guilted at every turn. I’m just a guest in that world when I’m with them. But oddly enough, spending time there reminds me what I’m fighting for as a feminist. I want all of us to be able to live that guiltlessly and unself-conciously, and to feel entitled to it the same as they do.
My best friend is to me what your dudely brothers are to you — she is a lady, but is somehow completely untouched by any and all social pressures. She doesn’t care what I eat and won’t scrutinize the size of my thighs, or of hers. She is aware that she is good looking, but not obsessed by it. She is completely and utterly self confident and has never questioned her right to any of the good things life has thrown her way. She is a math genius and a Ph.D candidate and has never doubted her own intellect. Hanging out with her is a wonderful, blessed relief from the anxious femininity that other friends of mine project. I wish I could believe as deeply as she does that I am entitled to all the good things in life.
Love you, Kristin.
[...] 22, 2009 · Leave a Comment O.K. I laughed out loud at this. I hope you do, [...]
The thing is i can never work out when I read posts like this if my family are unusual or if American women are just a very different breed. I grew up in a world where nobody ever said the sort of things Becky sites about eating, dressing or indeed sex. And nor did any of the women in the UK that I know (bar one of my friends whose mother is a German former model and who has certain issues regarding food and looks) but every American girl i know sites these sort of comments on a regular basis, the worst example being a girl i know who obsessively exercised and calory counted throughout pregnancy because her mother kept going on about her ‘weight gain’.
I have no idea why it’s considered acceptable to shame your daughter/ granddaughter etc over her weight, dress or sex or even to actually mention it, I can honestly count on one hand, if that the times my mother mentioned any of those things (and generally it was to either offer to lend me an item of clothing, check that I was using protection and or with the person i was seeing and er actually that’s it, we never discussed weight ever).
If we were talking about screaming arguments about politics, books, whether or not certain actors can actually act and whose turn in the whole family (dad and brother most certainly included) it is to cook, clean, get the drinks in (we’re equal opportunities lazy people in my family) etc on the other hand….
That said I’m genuinely confused by this and would welcome any explanation as to why inter-generational female relationships seems so much more loaded in the US.
This was a good post, but I’m troubled by it. It bothers me beyond belief when girls/women try to frame themselves as “one of the guys”- because being female is just so terrible and everyone knows that it’s better to be special and important and “one of the guys”… unlike those other whiny women.
I know that’s not what you’re saying in this post, but it gets quite close and strikes a nerve in me.
But, still, interesting post. I think you make the good point that there are certain environments in which women are expected to be one thing and other environments where the pressure is totally different (i.e. your aunts and female relatives vs. your brothers).
I am interested in what kinds of expectations your brothers have, for your behavior and choices. What if you weren’t lounging around in their clothes and instead were presenting in the “trappings of femininity” like high heels or make-up? Would they still be as accepting as they are? Or, in what environment do you feel the most you? Your brothers accept you as “one of the guys”, which is to say, like them. Just as your female relatives expect you to behave as one of them, in the traditional female role, watching what you eat, etc… Obviously your feminism doesn’t fit into either space completely.
Anyway, a lot to think about in this post. Thanks.
Well done!
@margosita: Yeah, I think you hit it on the head: my feminism doesn’t fit into either space completely. I think of feminism as a set of larger, overarching principles that each person has to make work for herself.
I definitely take your point about women who say “oh, I’m just one of the guys”, because that generally is an exclusionist statement that implies a certain level of misogyny. When I was writing this, I was trying to stay away from that (maybe I should have picked a different title? Hmmm…)
Even when I’m with my brothers, I’m still very much a woman and a feminist, as I’m sure they would tell you if you asked them! What I was getting at in this post is that while my bros are anti-feminist in a lot of ways, ironically it’s with them I get a sense of what it’s like to live free of all the bullshit that is pressed onto women every day by society/the Patriarchy.
@emilyanne: That’s fascinating but I honestly have no idea whether it’s more an American thing or not. I have certainly seen the same shaming/lookism in other people’s families, both American and otherwise.
Personally my father’s side of the family is just a hotbed of woman-on-woman violence when it comes to comments about looks/weight/sex life, etc. I always just chalked it up to “my grandmother/aunts are assholes.” I mean, sure, their ideas are reflections of cultural misogyny as inflicted by the Patriarchy, blah blah blah, but frankly? They’re just assholes about it.
“Even when I’m with my brothers, I’m still very much a woman and a feminist, as I’m sure they would tell you if you asked them! What I was getting at in this post is that while my bros are anti-feminist in a lot of ways, ironically it’s with them I get a sense of what it’s like to live free of all the bullshit that is pressed onto women every day by society/the Patriarchy.”
Yes, I did get that. I do think you express that clearly and well. But of course it just brings up the other side of it, when women say it without the harpy irony!
@margosita: True. I suppose some of those women might be getting at “I want to be one of the guys so I don’t have to live up to the ridiculous standards expected of women.” But I think it’s generally more of a “women suck and I don’t want to be around them” kind of statement. Which really just shows that they’ve become tools of the Patriarchy just as much as women who do the kind of anti-feminist woman-on-woman policing that I so dislike.
I can totally relate to this. My brothers are 16 and 18 (to my 20) and whenever I go home I’m dismayed by how casually misogynistic (and racist and homophobic) they are. I call them on it whenever I hear it, though, and I’m hoping that it’s mostly coming from a place of insecurity and uncertainty that will disappear as they gain more life experience. Fingers crossed.
Wow, what an interesting read. I’m glad you feel comfortable being yourself around your brothers, despite their faults. I have an older brother whose views on women were positively influenced by our feminist parents, but still says things that shock me sometimes – making fun of our Sec. of State, for example. I really wish I had the courage to confront him more but the older brother-younger sister dynamic makes it difficult sometimes.
Anyways, rock on spreading that harpy agenda!
The whole “man’s woman” thing has always been something I’ve wondered about, but your post helped me understand myself better. I’ve never thought women were bitches, but I have had a terrible time finding female friends–because though straight, I hate performing feminimity, hate talking about clothes, and really hated the whole dieting/self-hating/competitive atmosphere that seemed to be requirements for most girl relationships. It was something I tried to do to fit in, but which I found difficult to sustain.
Whereas as you pointed out, the privileges that men have are what allow at least some of them to let you hang with them free of that. There are other problems, like misogyny or just not “getting” you when you have a specific woman-related problem, but overall it’s a freer atmosphere.
I wish I could meet more women in real life who would inhabit it with me full-time, or attempt to, but it’s surprisingly hard.
I liked this post a lot, but really, I just wanted to comment to brag that my 15-year-old brother is not a misogynist at all and I am very proud of him! I don’t think I have ever heard him disrespect women!
I guess that’s what having three sisters will do to you.
He also made a drawing recently featuring the phrase “Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret.”
I know this comment is pointless but ya know. Just sharing.
May, that’s awesome! I would be proud too!
@May. That’s terrific! Clearly your brother is being raised right!
@emjaybee. EXACTLY! It’s truly hard for me to make friends with women, especially my own age (24). Being gay doesn’t help, but my experiences/preferences seem to be like a mountain between me and most (straight) women. I don’t like alot of typically feminine performance, but some things I do. And yet even the things I do (wear makeup) for example, aren’t exactly “right”. I still get tagged as looking, to women, like a dyke if we’re in a group.