Ladies, today I got a bit of a shock. Oh, it wasn’t anything truly horrible like the death of a friend or a cancer diagnosis. But still, I was surprised.
Because I got dumped by text message. How fucking high school is that? I’m 34, he’s 33…and yet, dumped by text! It’s not even a Crap E-mail From a Dude, it’s a Crap Text!
Now, this dude, McK., was not a serious boyfriend. We’d been set up by a close mutual friend and had been going out for more than a month. Things had gotten pretty steamy pretty quickly, and I really liked the guy. The not-boyfriends are still present and accounted for in my recreational life, but I was enamored enough of McK. that I was considering giving them their walking papers if things continued to go well with him.
Yesterday we had a date, but he cancelled and said, “let’s talk this weekend.” Today I got this:
Hi Becky.
I apologize for being distant and non-committal. I’ve been thinking about it for the last few days & I would prefer to be platonic with you going forward. I would understand if that’s not what you’re looking for.
McK.
WTF? I mean, if he’d called me, I would have just said, “You know, I really liked you, but oh well.” I’m a grownup and there are plenty of fish in the sea. I’ve had to initiate break-ups at times, too, so I realize it’s not easy. But I have never ditched anyone by text. That’s so fucking juvenile. If it’s been going on for a while–as things had with McK.–I feel like I owe the man the respect of discussing it like adults, if not in person, than by phone.
I sat there staring at my iPhone, trying to figure out how–or whether–to respond. I felt alternately sorry (because I liked him), humiliated (because no one likes getting dumped) and FURIOUS (because it was a fucking text!) I’m sure McK. did it out of sheer cowardice–he didn’t want to see me get upset or angry. But ironically, I wouldn’t have been especially upset or angry if he’d done it in person. Blowing me off by text, though? What a dick move.
And you know what, if you pull a dick move, you get called on it. Yes, ladies, it was time for me to Be A Bitch (well, a little, anyway).
I e-mailed back:
Honestly, if you’d told me that you wanted to just be friends, I’d have been fine with it. I liked you a lot and I’m really disappointed, but we weren’t dating exclusively or for a long time, so it’s not a huge deal. But a text message? Is a total dick move. Blowing someone off via text is not something you do to someone you want to stay friends with.
Uggh I waffled over this all day, and clearly I picked the wrong method and for that I apologize.
Total dick move, and I’m glad you called him on it. And I’m glad that he at least had the guts to respond to your text–some guys would’ve just ignored it and hoped they never ran into you in public.
Still…definitely a CTFAD. Sorry you had to receive it!
Your text was almost as long as my classic break-up email where the guy apologized with no explanation and told me that I deserved better. I emailed him back like WTF and made him meet with me face to face. NOBODY gets off that easy.
(He had drunkenly cheated on me with a crazy stalker ex and they actually got back together. Surprise, they broke up again later.)
Good work. At least you found out he’s kind of an idiot pretty early on, even if it was in an unpleasant manner.
It’s not exclusive to guys. I got dumped by text by a girl. She did at least admit to cowardice. I was so shocked (by the method, not the dumping, which was not unexpected) I just didn’t reply. It’s also very hard to create a decent, non-passive agressive response without going into three- or four- texts length.
I have had so much trouble with relationship-communication being attempted by text (oh noes they haven’t replied for twelve hours! Might as well kill self now!) that I think I should ban it and proceed by actual talking. Texting is undeniably bad for meaningful communication.
Yeah, that is totally a dick move. I have a friend who broke up with a girl over AIM once when he was in high school. The next day, *everyone*, including one teacher, yelled at him about it. He’s never sent any crap IMs since. So you’re right — definitely a teachable moment.
I’m also generally dubious of texts as a mode of substantive communication. It’s really good for arranging stuff like getting dinner, seeing a movie, etc., and really bad for having anything that could reasonably be described as a meaningful conversation.
@eleanargh & baraqiel: Yeah, IMO, texts are really only for setting up dinner and stuff–not for substantive communication. In this case, he didn’t want substantive communication, obvs!
SarahMC sent me an e-mail saying ” At least he spoke to you in normal English rather than sending you a quick “Ur dumped.”
Is TDM (Total Dick Move) already a coinage? If not, alert the OED. I plan to use it constantly.
Wait, was it an email or a text? Or are they now the same thing because phones are so advanced? (Does it matter?) In any case, I applaud being a bitch, as usual, though I have to say, your reply really wasn’t bitchy at all. His next girlfriends thank you.
@Spark: His was a text sent to my phone. I e-mailed him back b/c I don’t like tapping out messages longer than few words.
Yeah, I didn’t think I was being too much of a bitch, as bitchery goes. I always think that when getting dumped, you gotta keep your dignity, and turning into a shrieking mess usually doesn’t help with that (unless you’re, say, Jenny Sanford, in which case, sure, yell and scream and throw shit).
Definitely not too much bitch, hopefully you have saved some other women the lameness of a text break up, at least from this guy!
I think you were marvelously restrained, and yet said exactly what he needed to hear. Cheers to you, jeers to Mc(Jer)K.
Stay classy, McK.
His loss, all the way.
Shoot…I’ve been casually hooking up with a guy for a couple of months and have decided I’m done. Most of our meet-ups have been initiated by txt and I was thinking it was a legitimate way to say it was done. After reading this post and the responses, I’m going to be an adult and at least call. Now the question is, if he doesn’t pick up, can I just leave a voicemail?
dating is so fun!
@Cjudy: I’ve been in situations like this with dudes who preferred e-mail and I felt bad about doing it via e-mail…I would just leave him an voice mail telling him to call you back so you can talk. If he doesn’t and he just wants to text, then he’s made the decision and you can do what you have to do.
Becky, honestly you have my respect and awe. I just don’t have the mental fortitude to have multiple things going on, it sounds completely exhausting! But then I think my reluctance to be vulnerable cuts me off from a lot. Anyway, good reply to him, and it sounds like he learned something, which is the point anyway!
You did the right thing, but I really hate that doing the right thing, telling someone they made a dick move, standing up for yourself is called Being a Bitch.