Beware the man-snatcher! via rherteux @ flickr
Beware the cougars! With their nasty big pointy teeth, they will pounce and steal your man! And you will be helpless in the face of their evil, backstabbing ways. At least, that’s the premise behind Cosmo‘s ridiculous “A Cougar Stole My Man!” piece. Oh, of course we all know about Cosmo‘s track record of anti-feminism, so this article may not come as a shock; nonetheless, it still rankles. This qualifies as woman-on-woman (or girl-on-girl) crime, specifically framed as “young hot sex kittens victimized by cradle-robbing sluts!” The whole magazine, of course, is geared at young women (when’s the last time it had a cover subject over the age of 35?), so it’s no surprise that in an age where people love talking about those omnipresent “cougars”, Cosmo has to step in and share the tales of Pretty Young Things who were victimized by the grasping, greedy talons of these old(er) women. Case in point:
[A] 46- year-old permatan blond named Erica, was a coworker of his mom’s. She seemed a little cold, but I thought maybe she just looked that way since her Botoxed face rarely registered expression.
Oh, SNAP! It’s not only that she’s 18 years older than Prince Charming, but she also is apparently unattractive enough to need a permatan and Botox! Because all cougars are gross without a little help, amirite? The most disturbing aspect of all this? The guys are painted as being blameless victims. It’s all the other woman’s fault. Isn’t it always? The boys can’t help themselves.
Continuing:
“A couple weeks later, I ran into Tyson at the store where he worked. After a few minutes of awkward conversation, a middle-aged woman walked up and joined in. From the wrinkles on her face, I figured she was his mom, so I politely said, ‘Hi, Mrs. Greenfield, it’s nice finally to meet you!’ I could tell by the mortified look on her face that she was not his mama. Tyson replied, ‘Angie, this is my girlfriend, Carol.’ In my mind, we hadn’t even officially broken up! How could he go for this woman? I was so torn up that I walked right out of the store and threw up in the parking lot.”
Ignoring the fact that the name Tyson is an inexplicable turn-off to me (it’s just one of those names, like Kevin, that gives me a baaaaad feeling), again we have the fact that — gasp! — the evil cougar has wrinkles! And this time she has the temerity to avoid Botoxing them, thus subjecting unwitting bystanders to a hideous sight. I have to wonder if the puking in the parking lot was due to the fact that she had been dumped for an older woman rather than the fact that Tyson does seem dickish. Again, let’s focus on the woman and not the man.
It goes on and on. I think our dear readers get the idea. Bits like “I felt a little bad for her because she had caked on so much makeup to look younger” and “she was 47 — what could she have over me?” are sprinkled throughout the piece. Of course, this lovely misogyny is directed at the younger women as well. What would Cosmo be without having it both way at the expense of women?
“[Older women] don’t insecurely grill a man about what he was up to last night.” And cougars don’t create drama, says Ilona Paris, author of Hot Cougar Sex.
So buck up and correct those faults, ladies! Again: IT’S NEVER THE MAN, IT’S ALWAYS YOU! Especially when “while you’re downing beers, remember that somewhere, a cougar is downward dogging her way to a slammin’ body.” Because that’s the only way you’ll keep your wayward dude in your stealthy snare. Wow. Anti-feminism at it’s best worst. Now I’ll ease my anger by searching for Hot Cougar Sex. I think I can find it on the National Geographic channel.
OH FOR THE FUCK OF SHIT.
Let me do a quick tally:
lookism
ageism
slut-shaming
dudely privilege
body-snarking
woman-on-woman violence
“you’re nothing unless a dude wants you”
Wow. They left almost nothing out. Cosmo articles really should be bagged up by feminists in hazmat suits.
I think my favorite aspects of this are the snooty “permatan-and-botox” comments, since I have zero doubt (though I haven’t picked up a Cosmo in years) that in those same pages you can find ads and/or advertorials for tanning products and injectables. And they will be marketed as a good, empowerful thing.
Delicious cognitive dissonance.
@Becky: Not to mention that heteronormativity (queer women DON’T EXIST!) is a given.
Who are these “queer women” you speak of? Are there truly women in this world who do not spend their lives in pursuit of beautiful, beautiful dick?
The whole magazine, of course, is geared at young women (when’s the last time it had a cover subject over the age of 35?)
Puh-leeze. No one over the age of 21 reads Cosmo with any seriousness. How many times can they publish the same damn lose-weight-with-this-one-miracle-exercise/make-him-call-move-in-propose/how-being-a-woman-will-get-you-raped-mugged-murdered stories? Although this vicious cougar attack story is just about the worst one I’ve ever seen.
I used to be in charge of magazines at a B&N and I can tell you that Cosmo has about 5 stories that rotate over and over. Maybe all those Wonderbras are cutting off the circulation of the editors.
Cute kitteh though!
Sssshhh, don’t you know, they send you an email when you turn 40 telling you all the secret tricks to being a cougar:-)
Seriously, I’m sick of all the ageism inherent in all of these cougar stories, not to mention the sexism.
@annimal: Seriously, you never see the reverse, like “Hef/Michael Douglas/Tony Randall stole my girlfriend away from me, the hot 20-something stud!”
Well, as a guy, let me say that it is definitely true that all cognitive capability disappear in the presence of women. Choices? Reasoning? Future possibilities? These things are all meaningless once we’ve been exposed to cleavage.
How can we be expected to control ourselves? It’s unreasonable, I think.
@Sarah: Actually, there was a Tales from the Crypt episode that was basically exactly like that.
I mean, it wasn’t exactly a pillar of feminist principle, or anything, but it definitely revolved around a girl ending up with an old rich guy rather than a studsy young guy.
There is some girl-on-Kevin crime in this post, of which I do not approve.
I should’ve stopped reading at:
[A] 46- year-old permatan blond named Erica, was a coworker of his mom’s.
I mean, it might be correct grammar, but it certainly doesn’t look like it. Either “his mom’s coworker” or “a coworker of his mom” or even “his coworker’s mom” but as it is it’s just really confusing.
You know, this is almost as bad as when Cosmo made a new category for women 30+ who date younger guys (Puma, in case you want to know).
Almost but not quite.
I just can’t take the labels anymore: cougar, puma…
It’s so much easier to label women than it is to JUST CALL THEM WOMEN.
Cripes.