Fly that flag! via toucanzoo @ flickr
bi*sex*u*al (adj.): Of, relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward both sexes.
Or so Merriam-Webster’s dictionary tells me. Both sexes. Simple enough, right? Except to those who think it’s a switch-off in which someone vacillates between being homosexual and heterosexual, like a certain family member with whom I had the following priceless discussion yesterday:
Family Member: “So, are you seeing anyone?”
Me: “Um, no, but there is one girl I like.”
FM: “Huh, so you’re gay again?”
Me: “I’ve always identified as bi.”
FM: “Oh, I just thought…since your ex was a guy…”
While she’s correct about the fact that my longest and most recent relationship was with a man, I’m correct in saying that I’ve identified my sexual orientation as being bisexual, at least since my first girlfriend at age 16. I have had more girlfriends than boyfriends (in fact, I’ve only had one boyfriend), and I’m pretty sure my whole family knows that. But a lot of them seem to believe that it’s still a phase, like my mom, who wonders how I can have a crush on James Franco or Ewan McGregor when I date girls. Well, my real relationships are usually with women, so maybe that should answer that question. Exactly why my celluloid crushes are all men and my real life crushes are 99% women is a riddle I have yet to decipher, if it even matters. But after almost twelve years as identifying as bi, with the dating history to prove it to whomever deems it necessary evidence, I can safely declare that this is really not a phase — it’s a lifestyle.
This misunderstanding is not, of course, only limited to family. I’ve heard people opine that bisexuality is merely code for experimentation, or for a woman only dating other women until she finds the right man to settle down with, or for selfishly trying to have it both ways and get as much sex as possible. It’s none of those things. Experimentation is simply experimentation — which is all well and good, but does not apply to bisexuals like myself who have long since stopped giving their sexuality a test run. As for the “selfish” aspect, that calls to mind the famous Woody Allen quote, “The good thing about being bisexual is that it doubles your chance of a date on a Saturday night,” which seems to play into the idea that bisexuals are just out for a good time and will date anyone who applies.
Really, what it’s about (at least for me), is being attracted to a person first and their sex second. The problem is that we live in a society where everyone has to rigidly categorize every aspect of their identities, particularly when it comes to sexuality. Crossing over that line between gay and straight, wherein someone lives in a “gray area” of sexuality, is something that some people can’t wrap their heads around. It’s worth noting here that such confusion — or willful obtuseness — is not limited to heterosexual individuals. I have a number of gay and lesbian friends, several of whom believe that identifying as bisexual is just a reluctance to make that final leap into the gay community. While I can recognize where that sentiment comes from, it still hurts.
There are also, of course, a ton of people who accept bisexuality as a perfectly legitimate orientation. And while I don’t need that outside acceptance to feel personally secure in my bisexuality, it still makes it easier to be comfortable when it becomes known to others. So if you are one of those who can’t quite accept the concept that someone can be genuinely bisexual and is not choosing that label out of a desire to “have it both ways” or because it’s a way of trying things out before choosing to be gay or straight, I do recognize your reasoning. Nevertheless, I feel that reasoning is misguided at best. When I date a woman I’m not “gay again,” and when I date a man I’m not “straight again.” I’m just me, as always.
with the dating history to prove it to whomever deems it necessary evidence
The relationships in our lives with relatives and old friends can really be fraught. I am sorry that you need to “prove” things to them, whatever that may mean. I feel that way myself about other areas of my life.
it’s always interested me the way people react to bisexuality. I dated and slept with both men and women throughout my 20s and 30s but some of my ex-girlfriends stopped speaking to me because i then married a man. I tried explaining to them that I married a person, ie the person I wanted to spend my life with and that they just happened to be male but to little avail. It was seen as selling out in some way. The thing is though I never really saw gender in the people I went out with – they were just people I fancied and some were male and some were female.
The only reason I don’t like saying “I date the person, not the gender” or whatever is that it sometimes seems like it could be interpreted as denigrating to those who are strongly attracted to only one gender. Other than that I have always felt slightly bewildered (though not judgey, honestly) about people who identify strongly as straight or gay, probably much in the way as some of those people feel about bisexuals. My “taste” in romantic and sexual partners has always been all over the fucking map and I never could draw the line at gender anymore than I could draw the line at education or race or religion or hair color or whatever. I never have the slightest clue who I am going to fall in love with before I do it. I just have really poor boundaries all around, to be honest, which probably exacerbates things.
At the same time I am aware that socially I get privilege from being partnered — and legally married to — a male identified man, so I’m not exactly well positioned to demand that anyone acknowledge my bisexuality.
I also didn’t sleep last night so if my commenting is meandering and pointless, just think of what my work product looks like, and pity me.
@J.D.: The only reason I don’t like saying “I date the person, not the gender” or whatever is that it sometimes seems like it could be interpreted as denigrating to those who are strongly attracted to only one gender.
I totally get that. And it can be a bit of a controversial statement because some people think I’m lying/deluding myself. The other thing about saying I’m not attracted to the “gender” is that most of my girlfriends have not been the super-”femme-y” type (although I hate those classifications) that are typically thought of when someone thinks of female gender, so putting gender second on my list behind who the person is also helps explain to certain people why I might not give a flying fuck if my girlfriend is perceived as less “feminine” than most girls. (I’m also meandering here…)
I feel like anyone who questions someone else’s sexuality just needs a big cool glass of mind your own beeswax. No one but you needs to “understand” who or why you date. Blah, the judginess of the world is getting on my last nerve this week.
When my bisexual ass married a man, one of my cousins asked me: “So, do you still consider yourself bisexual?”
My mother snapped, “No.”
I looked at her and said, “What, I quit paying dues and they take me off the mailing list? Yes, I’m still bisexual, I just happened to marry a man.”
People are really weird about bisexuals, gay and straight. I came out as bi right around the time that Dan Savage announced that bisexuals didn’t exist, and we were just “playing” at gay… Yeah, I still hate him, even though he’s apologized.
Wait, are you saying you removed all your ribs for nothing?
*grin*
Ugh, I feel you on the judgyness. Whenever I identify myself as bi to people that are gay/straight, I always feel like THEY feel like I’m trying to have it both ways. I feel like I HAVE to pick a side, that the REAL queers will think I’m half-assing it and clinging to hetero privilege, and the straights will think I’m just being slutty.
But when it comes down to it, especially around my friends (which include quite a few other bisexuals), I’ve managed to reconcile the fact that yes, I CAN have huge crushes on both Kate Winslet AND David Tennent. And that I really shouldn’t have to justify still liking men with also dating women.
Liz Lemon told me that bisexuality is a myth that was created to sell hair products in the ’90s, so I don’t really know what to think here.
@Cait: Yeah, the hetero privilege issue is one I’m very aware of, and I think that can potentially* become a roadblock for understanding between those who identify as GLQ and those who identify as B, as if it’s just a matter of sampling the same-sex goods without having to deal with bigotry.
*Just to be clear, the vast majority of the GLQ people I know/am friends with do NOT take this attitude towards my orientation.
@GeekGirlsRule: Ugh, the whole “bisexuality is a myth” thing pisses me off to no end. Well, unless, as May said, it’s Liz Lemon telling it to me.
@mischiefmanager: Look, the rib removal surgery was TOTALLY medically necessary.
I am generally attracted to men, but also sometimes to women. I am usually (tho not always) attracted to women with “boyish” looks. Maybe I’m attracted to the gender (masculine) but not the sex (male). Just pondering…
Liz Lemon was totally off-base with her statement. Everyone knows that bisexuality was invented by David Bowie in the seventies in order to sell records.
I once had to explain to a friend “it’s like being attracted to both blonds and brunettes, except less common.” On the other side of the spectrum, my mother believes that most people are at least a little bi.
@SOALG: And you know who gets to be the girl!
i definitely think there is something to being attracted to a kind of alternative masculinity which can be found in bio-males, transguys, and some women. i didn’t mean to sort of erase gender all together from bisexuality. my first three serious partners (two women and a man) were all fucking dead ringers for each other. but i got over that type.
@RocktheDebit: my mother’s attitude is similar. I like it.
I’m marrying a person of the dudelier persuasion, but I am still bisexual. If you marry a person of the opposite sex, they don’t automatically take away your Bisexual Card. I really hate the attitude that bi folk want to “have it both ways” or “just want to appear cool and different” or “are too afraid to admit to being gay.”
The “bisexuals are greedy sluts” stereotype especially pisses me off, the idea that people who are bisexual always want to have a man AND a woman. I am pretty happily monogamous, thanks (or as one of my gay pals said, “You’re bisexual. You’re not greedy!”).
@Blondegrlz: Well-said. And maybe off-topic, but I’m seeing a lot of overlap between this and the More to Love spectacle of the “only” man who is attracted to women of a certain size.
I just want to yell ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE ARE ATTRACTED TO ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE. IT’S NOT UP TO YOU AND YOUR PREJUDICES. Repeatedly.
@Isa: That was a problem I had with the planning of the bisexual float at Pride – a majority of those marching were also in the local pansexual meetup group, so they decided to make it a joint float. Unlike some stereotypes about the LGBTQ(etc) community, it’s awfully hard to refute that one with non-verbal signals like clothing.
This conversation reminds me of something a lesbian friend of mine once said. I don’t remember how it came up, but she said that she wouldn’t date bi girls because they will always go back to guys. She knew I was bi. That really hurt. I couldn’t even really formulate a response to it.
Then there’s the girl I met while volunteering at my local library who said she was bi and something about it not being so bad that her boyfriend was in jail because she could spend more time with her girlfriend… that was just weird.
@Clare: Yeah, it sounds like it’s hard to formulate a response to either of those comments. It is incredibly difficult to weather the “you’ll-end-up-with-a-guy” comments, because it completely disregards what my orientation is. It’s not a “waiting-for-Prince-Charming” sexuality, but even mentioning that yes, I did have a long relationship with a guy quite recently, tends to undermine my bisexuality in some people’s eyes. Incredibly difficult.
But bisexuals get disappeared into lesbian relationships as well as straight ones.
I identify myself as queer. Truthfully, I fall somewhere in between heterosexual and bisexual. In my mind, I don’t want to limit myself to love someone with a label. I’ve only dated men in the past, but I’ve occasionally been attracted to females. If I happen to fall in love with a woman and want to spend the rest of my life with her, so be it. I’m not going to throw away a good relationship just because the person doesn’t fit into my ideal gender, looks, personality, choice of clothing, pet, etc. etc.
rant over.
You better not tell them you are internet gay married.
I honestly just don’t see why people care one way or the other. I can understand more with family members, because they care because they love. But honestly, if I only had one kid and they were gay or bi, I just wouldn’t care. I just would want them to have enough respect for themselves that they choose a respectful partner.
@BrutallyHonestBabes: My partner and I don’t want kids, but we still talk about it occasionally, and a few years ago I asked how he would feel if we had gay or bi children. We’re on exactly the same page as you. I just don’t understand why the gender of the person they’re with could be more important than whether or not they love each other and treat each other with respect and kindness.
@BHB: Come on, I shout my internet marriage to you from the rooftops!