There’s been some buzz (and some headdesking) in the blogosphere re: this study, presented at the American Sociological Association’s annual meeting, showing that 70% of Americans think women should take their husband’s last names when they get married, and 50% think it should be a legal requirement. Apparently, the survey was nationally representative.
There is plenty to say about this survey itself, but I want to address some things I’ve read in the coverage of this story. I’ve read a bunch of comments, on various blogs, from women who don’t know how to deal with the pressure they’re getting from their boyfriends or fiancés, peers, and/or families.
Even women my age (27) face not only the expectation that they will take their husbands’ names, but serious pressure. I don’t know if this pressure is one of the last cries of social conservatism as it dies out, but I hope that’s the case. It’s troubling either way, and I’m sure it’s scary to deal with personally. So I thought I’d list rebuttals to some common “arguments” in favor of name-changing. There is no argument for this tradition (woman taking man’s name) that is not sexist. The protests you’ll hear after you poke holes in the reasoning is proof of that.
My first instinct is to say “run” to any woman whose guy insists that she name herself after him. But that’s probably not going to happen. So what about:
Family unity requires all family members to have the same last name.
Is this a response to the high divorce rate or something? Marital stability does not come from both parties sharing a surname. The parent-child bond is not disrupted if there is more than one surname between them. If it’s important to someone that a family be designated like a sports team, then the husband can always take the wife’s name. The couple can also choose a new name or they can both hyphenate their names.
Taking the man’s name is a sign of love / commitment / respect.
This claim is especially jarring because it is so blatantly sexist. By this “logic,” the vast majority of married men don’t love or respect and aren’t committed to their wives. Why is the onus on the woman to show alleged “respect” or “commitment” in a way that he is not expected to? But it’s not about logic at all; it’s about the belief that women respect and love men by subsuming themselves to them.
It’s just a name! Why is it that important to keep yours?
If it were just a name, men (and their families, and friends, and your family and friends…) would not have a problem with women who are unwilling to change theirs. If it were just a name, men would give up their own names and assume their wives’. If it were just a name, why bother with any of this name changing business at all? It’s not “just a name,” to those who fight patriarchy or those who parrot the party line.
Then there’s the one I’ve heard from feminists and patriarchy promoters alike:
A woman’s name is just her dad’s name, so either way she’s going to have a man’s name.
Baby girls and baby boys are typically given their fathers’ names at birth. Does the name just not stick to the girl the way it sticks to the boy? It just floats over her head, waiting to be swapped out?
If a woman’s surname belongs to her father, then a man’s name must belong to his father. In which case, not changing one’s name upon marriage is no different from a man’s not changing his name upon marriage. Women’s names are “theirs” just as much as men’s are theirs. The practice of giving children their fathers’ surnames is a patriarchal one. It’s one worth challenging and changing. Using it as an excuse, or a tool to pressure women is lazy, and it’s sexist.
I’m sure there are others. People come up with some twisted reasoning in their attempts to preserve antiquated, unnecessary traditions. Fight back!
I’m not married, and not even close to getting engaged, so I can’t really speak on this topic. I can say; however, that if I were to hyphenate with my current partner’s name, it would be a six letter Ukranian name plus a 14 letter French-Canadian name, and I’m pretty sure I would never be able to fill out any form ever again. Could you imagine the driver’s license!?!
The thing that really bugs me is that although I’m 22 (and look it – 23 in a few weeks), people refer to me as “Mrs.” WHAT is with that?! Like I couldn’t possibly be young and unmarried, how silly! I was phoning to increase my credit limit because I was making a purchase of a sofa and chair, and the guy on the line referred to me as Mrs and I just about lost my shit. There’s no way I made it all the way to the department store with my little ladybrain! Ugh.
How ironic, today is my 15th wedding anniversary. I absolutely refused to change my last name when I got married for feminist reasons, and boy did it cause waves amongst everyone EXCEPT my husband (why I’m still married to him – he gets what loaded issues these are for women).
Anyway, I can’t believe how many times the issue came up. Everyone from the woman peforming the wedding service to the B & B owner assumed I was signing “my married name for the first times”. The shock when I said I wasn’t changing my name! This was 1994, not 1960. WTF?
When I was 7 mo. pregnant with my 1st child and moved to a new state, and moved banks & driver’s licenses, I quietly changed my last name to my husbands for the sole reason that it was easier to spell and pronounce. My extended family didn’t find out for YEARS.
I made my point to myself, and everyone around me, that I wasn’t going to bow to tradition just because it was the custom. I was going to make my OWN CHOICE. I still get ticked though when people assume I changed my name at my wedding out of “traditional values”. No, I changed it because I felt like it, when I felt like it.
I’ve always wondered what two people that both have hyphenated names would do if they were to marry and have children… hmmm…
@Ceejee: I am so with you on pre-nups. Maybe because we both live in community property states?
TVille, dgct: so awesome. You both rock.
I was in a snarky mood a few months ago when the subject came up–there was a married academic couple in the group, and they shared a last name, which, as someone mentioned above, is actually a bit rare with academics. So I innocently asked the guy, “What made you decide to take your wife’s name?”
I caved. Not to any pressure from my husband, ’cause there was none. I like his last name, it’s more unique and fun than mine was. I knew plenty of people who did change / didn’t/ hyphenated, so I saw it as a continuum of choices (and I kept mine as a middle name, still include it on official anything, and will probably give it to kids as one of two middles). It didn’t feel like losing my identity, I’m still the same me. At the time I hadn’t spent nearly as much time immersed in the feminist blogosphere, reading arguments such as those above. It’s not that I hadn’t thought about the sexist implications, I just didn’t think it applied to our situation. And, yes, that’s just so much rationalization. Now I probably wouldn’t change it(and it’s only been a few years). In fact, I feel kind of shitty about the whole thing, that I “chose my choice.” But I’m now making a professional career with the new name, so going back would be a hassle (not to mention costly, I’d have to go to court).
So, sorry to all those for whom I unintentionally made it more difficult to go against the grain by going with the grain. Rock on!
My mom’s last name is hyphenated, but she’s been an educator for 35 years (and thus always called Mrs. Lastname in her professional capacity) and essentially she goes by my dad’s last name for convenience sake. I like that she’s hyphenated, though, even though it annoys her at times. When I was younger, my uncle would use her name in place of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, it’s long as frack, but I don’t know… it’s something I admire that she did even though it’s a humongous pain in the ass.
(Also, cosign on the prenups, ESPECIALLY in community property states. Although when my folks got divorced, they just bought a book at Barnes & Noble and divided 25 years of assets up with relatively little fanfare. There may be a custody battle over an armchair now that my dad is remarried, however.)
@ShinyObjects:
Please, please, please don’t feel like you have to apologize for practicing imperfect feminism in the real world. We all make the best decisions we can to fit our circumstances at the time and with the information we have available.
The fact that you recognize that you have changed and would make a different decision now is admirable, but it’s not an indictment of lil’ shinyobjects or any of the choices she made. Please proceed, if your name situation becomes a source of discomfort for you; make whatever change you need to end that discomfort. If it never gets to that level; yay!
I never liked my last name, so if I had gotten married to a man (or woman, in my country!) with a nicer last name I would have changed it to theirs. I legally changed my entire name though, so I don’t think I would ever change it now.
The only reason why I had my father’s last name was because my mother’s last name wasn’t that great and sounded awful with the first name she picked out. It was also her father’s last name, and he was abusive and abandoned the family quite early on. Three of my mother’s four brothers and sisters have since changed their last names so they wouldn’t be associated with his name.
I don’t even have any pressure to get married though, so I can’t imagine anyone trying to pressure me to take my boyfriend’s last name, least of all him.
As my husband and I have separate careers in the same creative field, it was pretty imperative for both of us that I keep my name.
The only people who objected were his younger brother (my age), and a very misogynist female friend of ours. Everyone else seemed to get it.
hey, thanks, bellacoker! You’re right, we do the best we can at any given time. Appreciate the kind words.
@Poppy: Wait! You bring up a really good point. In countries (or states) with same sex marriage, do they have the option of changing their last names the way heteros do or is it just assumed both parties will keep their birth names?
ShinyObjects, you have nothing to apologize for. We’re all trying to navigate patriarchy. We all do what we can. I want the pressure to go away, not women who change their names!
Happy anniversary, Ms. M!
@ShinyObjects: I don’t think that you taking on your husband’s last name is “imperfect feminism” at all. It is perfectly feminist to choose to take on your husband’s name so long as you aren’t coerced into it. Feminism is about CHOICE afterall, not conforming to some perfect feminist ideal.
But then again, this is coming from someone in a similar situation as you. I thought about hypheninating my name, but I already have a complex name and didn’t want to make my last name a 16 letter hyphenated name. To add to this, I know with hyphenated names, the first of the two is usually dropped off, so I’d end up being known by my husband’s name anyway. I didn’t want to keep my own, because I wanted any children to have the same name as me.
The arguments above are good ones, but you have to remember this is meant for people who want to keep their name. If a woman wants to change her name, she has that right too.
@BeckySharper: Word.
I mean, I have assets to protect. Love and forever and ’til death do we part is great ad all, but the reality is, if I gotta leave you, at least let me take what I brought, ya know?
I’m not down with hypenating. Imma keep my name, he (whomever he is) can keep his and our kids can have two last names. And you know what? People better use both because that’s what I named my child and that’s what your gonna call her/him!
This is how I feel about nicknames. My momma named me ceejee for a reason, ya dig? My name is not cee, or ceej, or CJ, cee-cee or any variation thereof. Please show me the honor and respect to call be by my PROPER name, not matter how hard it is for your lazy tongue to smack the back of your teeth to form the sounds of TWO. FUCKING. LETTERS.
@ShinyObjects: I agree with everyone else, you have nothing to apologize for. I figure you should have the option of keeping your name or taking your husband’s, and hell, he should have the option of taking yours if he wants (which incidentally is what my great-grandfather did). Nobody should be judged based on those choices.
I will probably be marrying sometime in the next couple of years and I intend to keep my name. It’s a good name. My mum and dad have encouraged me to do so as well (my mother’s maiden name was an awesome name, a fairly uncommon Norwegian one, and she regrets not keeping it). Even my partner has encouraged me to keep my own name if that’s what I want to do… I guess I am lucky in that the only pressure I have experienced regarding marriage/names is the pressure to keep my name.
As just a tangential refutation of “A woman’s name is just her dad’s name, so either way she’s going to have a man’s name” in addition to yours (which I totally agree with), not EVERYBODY was named according to these patriarchal practices anyway. I have my mother’s last name and have always been far closer to her side of the family. Even when they’re not overtly radical feminist acts, all sorts of odd naming practices do go on and their importance to the people with those names shouldn’t be discounted.
The idea that a woman who actively chooses to change her name is being a feminist because she’s exercising her right to choose is flawed. It would be an exercise of personal power/choice etc. if the choice were equally socially available to men. While men can (and in some cases do) legally change their names to their wives’ names, it is not a choice that meets with much social approval, and it is certainly not something they get pressured to do.
Succumbing to that pressure is certainly not something women who make that ‘choice’ should have to apologize for. The world is skewed towards making that choice attractive and ‘sensible’ sounding and you do have to go against the grain a fair bit when you keep your own name. My own mother can’t quite get her head around the fact that I kept my own name because, supportive though she is of my independence, etc., the idea of a married couple with different names just doesn’t compute for her.
In an ideal world, it wouldn’t matter who changed their name and who didn’t because it would be just as easy and acceptable for a man to change his name as it currently is for a woman to do so. We do not, however, live in that world.
Marry someone from the Iberian peninsula. So far as I can tell, none of the cultures from that region have this bizarre tradition. The bf, who is Basque, is totally bewildered by the idea that a grown person would swap their family name out. I have had several discussions where I try to explain it but he still doesn’t get it, which is really, probably for the best.
@KC the old-time Spanish naming tradition is (given name) (father’s 1st last name) (mother’s 1st last name) for all children. When a woman marries, it’s all of that plus “de” (husband’s 1st last name).
“de” meaning belonging to, the possessive. So it’s even more demeaning to women than just being forced to take someone else’s last name. You belong to someone else.
Fortunately this is all so complex and cumbersome people just ignore the de part, and so the result is, women don’t change their names.
I didn’t want to keep my own, because I wanted any children to have the same name as me.
It’s certainly possible to keep your name, *and* give that name to your children.
I gotta say- I think the family unity thing is something important- it was to us when my wife and I got married- and we sat down and discussed our options for a last name for our new family, and then we eventually came to the conclusion that she would take my last name, because it was free to do so. Any other change costs money- that’s how badly entrenched it is. And it was really important to us that we were starting a little family of 2 together, we weren’t just 2 people hanging out.
I don’t like the hyphenated or 2 surnames solution because what will your kids do, if they decide to get married and noth partners have 2 surnames, or double-barrelled names? It’s a solution that only works for one generation.
For all of you who worry about the double-barreled named future children and OMG, what will they do? Well, I hope they will each keep their name, what else? As for the child’s name being it’s father’s name, I hope that’s going to change within a few generations too. Why not the mother’s name?
For me, it was more important not to bow to the patriarchal pressure and keep my own, ethnic, must-spell-it-every-single-time last name than change to my husband’s more common, local, no need to spell last name. We also talked about how our children will have both our last names: the first gets my last name, the next his, and if we have more, we’ll continue to alternate.
The first person after our wedding who said “So, how do you feel as Mrs. G?” got “First, it’s Ms., not Mrs. Second, I’m as much a G. as my husband’s a B.” Nobody dared make a comment later.
Frankly, the ideal is to get married in Quebec: you cannot change your last name at marriage here. Changing your name because you got married is not a “valid” reason to change your name for the courts. The only way to get around it would be by usage: you used that name for so long that it would make it simpler to change it on official records.
I was lucky, I have parents who hyphenated their last names – mother’s first then father’s and both took the new name. Both my parents told me if they could do it over, they would just keep their own names. My aunt was also adamant that I keep my own name. My husband was fine either way. He understood why I didn’t want to change my name and was cool with it – part of the reason I love him so much.
Recently my brother-in-law got married and he insisted that my sister-in-law take his name. It was a make it or break it issue for him which surprised me because normally I think he’s a pretty cool guy. She changed it because she loves him but it makes me angry that she didn’t want too but basically felt she had too.
I’ve been to three weddings this year and all the women have changed their name. I’m still surprised by how uncommon keeping your own name really is given my family and friends are generally very progressive and well educated.
It makes me very, very sad to know how many women are “beginning their new lives” with husbands who would bend them to their will.
Any man for whom branding his wife is non-negotiable is not going to stop the controlling behavior there.
I have to wonder whether this apparent resurgence in traditional name-changing is because men recognize that their opportunities to oppress and control women are dwindling.
I’m with Nadia. Feminism isn’t about “choice.” Patriarchy constrains our choices–in so many instances, it’s impossible to make a truly free choice.
Yeah, I thought changing names was on the way out, but it doesn’t seem to be. I went to a wedding recently, and when I jokingly called the groom “Mr. bride’s-lastname” (because she didn’t change her name), his friends flipped out like I had insulted him.
@occhiblu: In many states the law requires that if a child is born to a married couple, the child must have the father’s name. You could theoretically fight that, but it would be difficult and time-consuming and beyond the means of a lot of people.
As usual, I think I’m the only man who dares to comment but here goes.
When my daughter was born my wife and I decided to both change our names. It was not an easy decision for me and one that I still struggle with and (at times) feel very isolated by.
Reaction was almost universally negative. Shit got so bad that about six weeks after my daughter was born, my father and I almost came to blows on the street in front of a restaurant. In the fullness of time, as I stood my ground and it became clear that I would not relent, people have come to accept our decision but damn was/is the push-back fierce.
The great irony of the situation is that, now as my daughter enters a pre-K program and we introduce ourselves to a new school community as the “new name” family, we appear to be a family where my wife took my name.
tnx Harpies. With this post fresh in my mind I corrected my son’s 14yo friend who (politely) called me by my husband’s name, FamousBeer.
“No, my name is Rodriguez. Not all women change their names. Did you know that, friend of little Rod?”
I’d like to hear more views on “How to raise a feminist son.” PS touched on this last week. I’d love your input too, harpies with sons.
@occhiblu: In many states the law requires that if a child is born to a married couple, the child must have the father’s name.
FWIW Maryland isn’t one of those states. We gave BabyRat the new name that we had decided upon when she was born, but both my wife and I have our original names on her birth certificate.
Hill Rat, that last paragraph for yours is to me the central conundrum of any activist move: you can control what you do, but you can’t control how it’s interpreted.
@ Hill Rat – Thanks for sticking it out. It’s never easy to be a trailblazer. My husband and I didn’t feel comfortable creating a new name, and he couldn’t get comfortable changing his name to mine. It’s awesome to see that there are men & women who do what’s best for them, even in the face of extreme social pressure. I’m curious to see how, over time, our decision to have our child take my name plays out. It’s unusual, and he gets shit for it…
@ X.trapnel – I think it’s great that you asked that. I think, sometimes, it’s important to challenge the status quo in small ways, just to keep dialogue open. Plus, I like it!
@ Rodriguez – Do any of the named Harpies have kids? I was wondering if they might be open to some guest posting on the topic. You have a son, and I’m gonna have one in a few weeks…
We are definitely open to guest posts! Email us if you want to write something!
@Pilgrim Soul
It’s weird because it’s not like I want/need/think I deserve any kind of extra credit for being so progressive/feminist (in fact it’s nice to finally not be explaining our name situation all the damn time), but if someone thinks that I bent my wife to my will they couldn’t be more mistaken!
Another strange twist to our name tale is that more than a few of my wife’s older colleagues gave her shit for changing her name at all. The fact that she wasn’t taking my name didn’t matter at all, they felt like a feminist keeping her name was some sort of absolute.
@Hill Rat I’ve heard of people doing what you and your wife did but only second hand. Please share whatever you feel comfortable, it’s great to hear it.
@TVille congrats and health to you and little tville. I’m not sure who has what kids among the readers and writers.
re: feminist sons: Why is it so obvious and easy to me how to raise a feminist daughter and harder to raise a feminist son? Shouldn’t I treat them the same? Why do I assume my daughter gets it, but not my son?
Is it her membership in the sorority of women?
Most important I think as a first step is to point out his privilege when it comes up.
Anyhoo yesterday I was happy that my son pointed out someone’s sexism.
@rodriguez
Most of what I have to share about this experience is what it has cost me. I also know that coming here and crying a river of salty tears about my grievances will:
1. Reinforce my privilege as a man, and
2. Ensure that I am taunted and booed until throats are sore.
If you like, click on my name and it will take you to my blog. There’s a link to my e-mail in my profile, I’m happy to speak with you privately and answer whatever questions you may have.
Best,
HR
I kept my maiden name, and this morning told my boss a story about it and she was stunned. I was pretty sure I had written my husband down as emergency contact with his actual name, but it never registered with her apparently.
His family is fine with it, mine keep passive aggressively sending everything to Mrs. Husband What Rules. We had talked briefly about hyphenating (too long) or him taking my name since it comes earlier in the alphabet than his and we were still going to college at the time. But, we ultimately decided to just keep our names right where they were.
I come from a split family and moved when I was a teen-ager from my dad’s to my mom’s. I kept my dad’s last name (though my step-father said I could take his if I wanted to), but it was sometimes uncomfortable to be the only one that didn’t have their last name. In every other way, I was part of the family, but in that one, I wasn’t. Sometimes my school would call and ask for Mrs. (my last name), and my mom would get very angry about that because that wasn’t her name anymore.
When I got married, I took my husband’s name. There was absolutely no pressure at all from either of our families – they all actually seemed surprised that I wanted to change it. Sure, we could have come up with a name together, but I enjoy being a part of his family, and having their name is a big deal to me.
It was completely my choice and I stand by it. I am not in any way saying that this is the only way or that this must be done – this was my personal choice. It’s pretty wonderful that all sorts of choices exist – keeping your own, hyphenating, coming up with a new one, or taking someone else’s. I embrace the choice I made – and I love that I had the choice to make.
I have two last names (no hyphen), like most Brazilians: mother’s name first, then father’s name. It’s the general rule. I always hated this because my mother’s name is more unique than my father’s, but every time I go into a country and show my passport, I’m Ms. Costa. I don’t even recognize myself when someone uses this last name to call me. So, my confession is: I go for the aesthetics. I would drop one of my last names (maybe both, who knows?) if I thought my husband’s name matches with my name.
At least this is what I used to think: today I think about papers, articles, and since I’m already known by my name+mother’s name (they get along perfectly and it’s the way I sign my Academic work; plus, it’s how I recognize myself and I like it), changing would not be a good idea.
I hope that if get married someday, my husband doesn’t take it as an offense. As for society, well, I don’t feel any pressure. I’ve always been different in some ways, so I can deal with their judgement.