Comments on: YOUR LAST NAME HERE! for only two months’ salary.

By: Renata

Renata — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 21:38:45 +0000

I have two last names (no hyphen), like most Brazilians: mother’s name first, then father’s name. It’s the general rule. I always hated this because my mother’s name is more unique than my father’s, but every time I go into a country and show my passport, I’m Ms. Costa. I don’t even recognize myself when someone uses this last name to call me. So, my confession is: I go for the aesthetics. I would drop one of my last names (maybe both, who knows?) if I thought my husband’s name matches with my name.

At least this is what I used to think: today I think about papers, articles, and since I’m already known by my name+mother’s name (they get along perfectly and it’s the way I sign my Academic work; plus, it’s how I recognize myself and I like it), changing would not be a good idea.

I hope that if get married someday, my husband doesn’t take it as an offense. As for society, well, I don’t feel any pressure. I’ve always been different in some ways, so I can deal with their judgement.

By: name-changer

name-changer — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 20:25:34 +0000

I come from a split family and moved when I was a teen-ager from my dad’s to my mom’s. I kept my dad’s last name (though my step-father said I could take his if I wanted to), but it was sometimes uncomfortable to be the only one that didn’t have their last name. In every other way, I was part of the family, but in that one, I wasn’t. Sometimes my school would call and ask for Mrs. (my last name), and my mom would get very angry about that because that wasn’t her name anymore.
When I got married, I took my husband’s name. There was absolutely no pressure at all from either of our families – they all actually seemed surprised that I wanted to change it. Sure, we could have come up with a name together, but I enjoy being a part of his family, and having their name is a big deal to me.
It was completely my choice and I stand by it. I am not in any way saying that this is the only way or that this must be done – this was my personal choice. It’s pretty wonderful that all sorts of choices exist – keeping your own, hyphenating, coming up with a new one, or taking someone else’s. I embrace the choice I made – and I love that I had the choice to make.

By: GeekGirlsRule

GeekGirlsRule — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 16:51:04 +0000

I kept my maiden name, and this morning told my boss a story about it and she was stunned. I was pretty sure I had written my husband down as emergency contact with his actual name, but it never registered with her apparently.

His family is fine with it, mine keep passive aggressively sending everything to Mrs. Husband What Rules. We had talked briefly about hyphenating (too long) or him taking my name since it comes earlier in the alphabet than his and we were still going to college at the time. But, we ultimately decided to just keep our names right where they were.

By: Hill Rat

Hill Rat — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 16:36:41 +0000

@rodriguez

Most of what I have to share about this experience is what it has cost me. I also know that coming here and crying a river of salty tears about my grievances will:

1. Reinforce my privilege as a man, and

2. Ensure that I am taunted and booed until throats are sore.

If you like, click on my name and it will take you to my blog. There’s a link to my e-mail in my profile, I’m happy to speak with you privately and answer whatever questions you may have.

Best,

By: rodriguez

rodriguez — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 16:20:49 +0000

@Hill Rat I’ve heard of people doing what you and your wife did but only second hand. Please share whatever you feel comfortable, it’s great to hear it.

@TVille congrats and health to you and little tville. I’m not sure who has what kids among the readers and writers.

re: feminist sons: Why is it so obvious and easy to me how to raise a feminist daughter and harder to raise a feminist son? Shouldn’t I treat them the same? Why do I assume my daughter gets it, but not my son?
Is it her membership in the sorority of women?

Most important I think as a first step is to point out his privilege when it comes up.

Anyhoo yesterday I was happy that my son pointed out someone’s sexism.

By: Hill Rat

Hill Rat — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 16:08:11 +0000

@Pilgrim Soul

It’s weird because it’s not like I want/need/think I deserve any kind of extra credit for being so progressive/feminist (in fact it’s nice to finally not be explaining our name situation all the damn time), but if someone thinks that I bent my wife to my will they couldn’t be more mistaken!

Another strange twist to our name tale is that more than a few of my wife’s older colleagues gave her shit for changing her name at all. The fact that she wasn’t taking my name didn’t matter at all, they felt like a feminist keeping her name was some sort of absolute.

By: SarahMC

SarahMC — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 16:05:22 +0000

We are definitely open to guest posts! Email us if you want to write something!

By: TVille

TVille — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 15:56:53 +0000

@ Hill Rat – Thanks for sticking it out. It’s never easy to be a trailblazer. My husband and I didn’t feel comfortable creating a new name, and he couldn’t get comfortable changing his name to mine. It’s awesome to see that there are men & women who do what’s best for them, even in the face of extreme social pressure. I’m curious to see how, over time, our decision to have our child take my name plays out. It’s unusual, and he gets shit for it…

@ X.trapnel – I think it’s great that you asked that. I think, sometimes, it’s important to challenge the status quo in small ways, just to keep dialogue open. Plus, I like it!

@ Rodriguez – Do any of the named Harpies have kids? I was wondering if they might be open to some guest posting on the topic. You have a son, and I’m gonna have one in a few weeks…

By: Pilgrim Soul

Pilgrim Soul — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 15:44:14 +0000

Hill Rat, that last paragraph for yours is to me the central conundrum of any activist move: you can control what you do, but you can’t control how it’s interpreted.

By: Hill Rat

Hill Rat — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 15:35:15 +0000

@occhiblu: In many states the law requires that if a child is born to a married couple, the child must have the father’s name.

FWIW Maryland isn’t one of those states. We gave BabyRat the new name that we had decided upon when she was born, but both my wife and I have our original names on her birth certificate.