Dear Patriarchy: I will when you do.
Months ago, I got taken to task by a commenter for cussing in a post. I wrote a response explaining how I felt about “obscene” language–in this case, she objected to my use of the f-word–and why I sometimes use it. That commenter said that I “denigrated myself” by swearing. I’m reasonably sure she would not have said that to a male blogger. After all, it’s a woman’s job to be a civilizing influence and make the world a nicer place. If we start cussing and ranting like men, it’ll be the downfall of society, right?
Nearly every patriarchial society–which is to say, just about every human society–buys into this. For example, there’s a saying in Russia that “when a woman speaks mat“–a unique, extremely profane Russian slang–”Christ’s wounds open.” Even Shakespeare got in on the act; his King Lear praised the faithful, much-abused Cordelia by saying “Her voice was ever soft, Gentle, and low, an excellent thing in a woman,” a line that may give some insight into why his other daughters, Regan and Goneril, hated Lear so much.
I got this message early. Growing up, anytime I said something snarky, negative or–God forbid–profane, I’d be chided by my father, usually with a heavy sigh and “Becky, you’re too much,” or “Why can’t you be nicer?” It was the Love Song of J.Daddy Sharper. (MamaSharper did not do this, but my parents had separate households and very separate beliefs on how daughters should be raised.) His three sons were WAY nastier, cuss-ier and more argumentative than me, but, of course, boys will be boys, so they were never scolded the way I was.
That childhood experience was an early initiation into the double standard that governs how women should speak versus how men should speak. And that same double standard was part of the reason we named our website the “Pursuit of Harpyness”; we wanted to give the anti-feminists out there a kick in the balls and reclaim the word “harpy,” the same way our feminist sisters at Bitch Magazine reclaimed that word. There’s such a pervasive, pernicious social pressure for women to NOT be harpies. Don’t be shrill. Don’t be nasty. Don’t question authority. Be nice. Be sweet. Don’t be angry, or at least don’t sound angry.
Well, fuck that.
Men get to be as loud, or angry, or crass as they want. That’s their privilege, and often, they don’t even recognize it as such. They are usually also blind to many, many ways in which women are denied this privilege, and–often unconsciously–take it upon themselves to keep enforcing the sexist status quo.
Case in point: last week I was having an IM conversation with a male friend. I treat him like all my friends–i.e. I talk with him the same way I do on this site. I’m not a Sunday-school teacher and he knows it. Now, this dude claims to like having a female friend with whom he can talk openly about things like sex and relationships. But several times in the past few months, when my words been as graphic as his, he’ll say “You know, I really hate the way you talk about sex.” That is, he wants to initiate the topic, but I have to keep my responses ladylike and non-threatening. He works in the sports world and we’ve had some pretty raunchy conversations, so I’m not buying that he has delicate sensibilities–he just wants me to have them. When he pulled this on me for the umpteenth time, I lost my temper. A heated confrontation ensued, with him saying I was “coarse” and the way I talked “just didn’t work” for him. I got up on my soapbox and delivered the Feminist Lecture Series about the double standard, finally telling him that if he didn’t like it, he was welcome to stop talking to me. A few minutes later, fuming, I was staring at my Facebook page. Then did something I’d never done before: I decided to BE A BITCH in my status update.
I wrote: Becky Sharper is tired of being scolded for the way I talk. You dudes can go fuck yourself with your double standards.
Classy? No. But it hit a nerve with a lot of people. I was absolutely shocked by how many responses I got to that status update–more than 20–and how vehemently people felt about it A sampling:
From high school friend Nicole: I have been told recently by a male “superior” that all 5’3 120 pounds of me is scary and offensive yet I have never raised my voice,engaged in an argument or cursed-only been professional & to the point. I guess in some (weirdo environments) if you are intelligent & take your work seriously and are not acting silly, constantly laughing & acting ignorant that is somehow threatening? Being “sweet as pie” did not get me where I am today &certainly doesn’t get the job done…I think I’ll keep my “tone” and am with you on them “fucking themselves”
From writer friend Leslie: Talk however the fuck you want to! I swear like a longshoreman and my husband is always trying to mollify my epithets. I say screw it!
From high school (male) friend Matt: People always want smiles and cheer, and I think women are subjected to this standard much more than men.
From New York friend Abby: What IS the deal with this? I have also been told that I am intimidating. Why? Because I don’t talk like a little girl? Being direct is still supposed to be a man thing
From college friend Susan: But I bet they never apologize when they swear in front of you. (No, Susan, they don’t! Good point!)
There’s (a lot) more, but you get the picture. So many of my female friends–of all races, ages and backgrounds–piled on about how often we face this kind of sexist speech/behavior policing, and how deeply angry we are about it.
Now, I don’t think you should go nuclear in your next office meeting–there’s a proper time and a place for everything, including being a bitch. But the next time someone tries to silence your inner harpy, it’s okay to call them on the double standard. I think so many men–and women–have absorbed this “women must be nice” message that they often reinforce it without thinking. If the language police come for you, let them Get Told once in a while. It’ll be good for them, and for you.
Women must be nice. Women must be passive. Women must sacrifice their comfort for the comfort of those around them. Women must not make others uncomfortable.
It all fell on deaf ears for me. Actually, I think my parents did a wonderful job countering the social pressure to be that way. And now, I *too* am intimidating. Woohoo. The good news is, those of us who are intimidating still appear to have friends and jobs, significant others, etc.
Stupid fucking cultural expectations.
Our biggest client hates it when not only women swear but when men swear in front of women. Like 6 months ago we were in a counsel conference a group of about 9? maybe with two women including myself (me and a tax assessor)and one of opposing counsel swore and Big Client like, seriously dropped a lecture on him right then and there. I was so torn, on the one hand it was sort of awesome because counsel came from a huge firm and is the type of loud, everything I say is funny/brilliant overgrown frat dude but on the other hand it was SOOOO paternalistic. But what do you want from a guy that has a signed photo of GWB in his office?
Bluebears, was he chewing the dude out for cussing or for OMG cussing in front of ladeez?
I once sat in on a meeting with a writer who had a super-foul mouth. Fuck this, fuck that, cocksucker, motherfucker, etc. I was the only woman in the room and every time he swore he’d turn to me and say “Sorry!” or “Excuse my French!” Didn’t apologize to my male colleagues, just to me. I was WAY more offended by the chauvinism of that than by the actual cussing.
Oh for the swearing in front of the womenz. He was like, “Let me just interrupt….” and then he was off and running about how he thinks its wrong to swear in front of women and then at the end of the meeting the attorney ended up APOLOGIZING to us. sigh. Big Client is a ridiculous chauvinist. I wont even tell you his views on health care reform.
I’ve been told I’m intimidating, many times. My parents were pretty good about this particular issue — they chastised my brother and me equally, in my remembrance. However, now that we’re both adults, my father swears around us and we swear around him, but my mother is still uncomfortable with it and will apologize to either of us if she swears.
I do often get surprised reactions when I swear, because I tend to be somewhat more controlled and rational around people I don’t know very well. But when I’m not being on good behavior? “Fuckbunnies” is like my default reaction to anything from mild annoyances to Obama caving about the public option, and when I was at my French neighbor’s while France was losing the World Cup to Italy, I knew every word that he and his friends said. (They were…um…somewhat perturbed.) But honestly, the surprise tends to me more of a “that’s endearing!” sort than a “that’s intimidating!” sort. I think I intimidate enough with the arched eyebrow rationality thing that when I do swear, people are relieved that I talk like a normal person sometimes.
I stealth curse. I have no idea how this works, but I have heard many comments about how I never curse… but I do. Often. I think it’s because I don’t make single-word four-letter exclamations, it’s all just slid in casually in the middle of sentences. I have never figured this out, but maybe I don’t look like a curser or something. WTF?
I have been called intimidating, generally by men, both coworkers and social acquaintances. Sorry, guys, I’m not going to pretend to be dumber than you so that you can feel good about yourselves.
I don’t want to compete with anyone in the arena of expletives. I used them generously for a large part of my adult life until one day someone suggested that I might attract more positive people and circumstances if I were more careful with my choice of words.
I began paying vigilant attention to my language, and eliminated foul words from my vocabulary. My life has most certainly developed positively over the last 5 years, and better yet, I do not feel I am losing my energy by indulging in expressions of obvious powerlessness. Life is goood.
I’ve gotten surprised reactions from men *and* women when I curse. I think it’s because my speech is generally very articulate — people don’t expect it, just like they don’t expect my tattooed arms under my usual dresses and pretty shirts. I’ve been fortunate that the people I care about (and this has included employers, so far) find it interesting rather than horrifying. I would not hesitate to instantly become the most profane blue-streaking vulgarian if someone hinted that I should restrain myself just because of my gender.
@baraquiel: “Fuckbunnies” is awesome, can I use it too? My usual is “fuckaduck”, but I feel like I should maybe shake things up.
@Kari: Fuckaduck is one of my favorites. Also the Spanish word coño, because it has a very satisfying mouth feel. One of my English friends was taught as a child that “bugger” was the worst words a woman could possibly say, so she Italicized it to “buggerazione”, which really rolls off the tongue!
@Lisa May: “I do not feel I am losing my energy by indulging in expressions of obvious powerlessness.”
Why do you think cursing is an expression of obvious powerlessness? It certainly isn’t when men do it, which is why it’s always been their privelege and not ours.
I’m generally a pretty foul-mouthed dude, but I don’t cuss in front of my Mom or other older women in my family. Naturally (when he was alive) I did cuss in front of my Dad and do cuss in front of my uncles.
Mom is *extremely* prissy, so prissy that she actually broke up with my Dad because of his foul mouth. I, of course, realize that my Mom’s disdain for cussing is rooted in patriarchy. Even so, I have no desire or need to cuss in front of her. In fact, it would feel weird and wrong to me to be dropping the word “fuck” in front of my Mom; not just disrespectful, but gratuitous and unnecessary too. The same thoughts and feelings apply to my dealings with my aunts, I just don’t cuss in front of them and I have upbraided young bucks in the family that thought it was OK to do so.
This aversion to cussing in front of family matriarchs is a reflection of my deep respect, affection, and admiration for these women. It feels proper to me, but at the same time I now recognize that this is part of the ubiquitous and subtle process of othering women.
Is this me still trying to hang on to a bit of male privilege under the guise of being “respectful?”
Why do you think cursing is an expression of obvious powerlessness? It certainly isn’t when men do it, which is why it’s always been their privelege and not ours.
I dunno about that. I can only speak for myself, but I’m never more profane than when I’m ranting in impotent rage about a situation that I’m powerless to control.
This conversation seems to have two strands: women cursing and its reactions, and women in the work place using neutral, competent language … and STILL getting shit for it. Maybe you could explore that strand one time too, it seems promising.
I do a podcast about all things geeky, including comics, rpgs, videogames, movies, tv, etc… And sometimes things raise my ire, like the rampant sexism in videogames, Joe Quesada, bad adaptations, what have you.
I have a friend who very firmly identifies himself as a male feminist, yet whenever I deliver an angry rant in the podcast, I’ll frequently get an email telling me that I shouldn’t be angry on the podcast, that I’m so much nicer to listen to when I’m happy and cheerful than when I’m angry.
So far I have refrained from telling him to go fuck himself. Just.
My husband, who enjoys the angry rants highly because I get very, ahem, innovative with language during them, says to just let it go.
It drives me nuts that Captain Sensitivity doesn’t seem to get that telling a woman not to be, or at least sound, angry about things that she has every right to be angry about is not ok.
My ex-boyfriend hated it when I would swear. Of course, he also wanted me in skirts all the time, my hair to my ankles, stockings and garters. Probably, eventually, had we stayed together longer than a year, he would have wanted me in the kitchen stocking-foot and pregnant.
And yet… yet… he was one of THE worst swearers. He knows swear words that I didn’t even know, and I can swear pretty fucking well.
For awhile, it worked. I didn’t swear much, and if I swore even once he’d get so mean about it. But… I got kind of sic of it. And… it took awhile, but we broke up. And now I swear all I want to.
@DangerMouse – Yes, that’s it exactly. I’ve met very, very smart men who simply cannot deal with the fact that I don’t laugh at their dumbass jokes and would rather engage them about science or math.
@Kari – yep, totally steal it.
@GeekGirlsRule – argh! Especially since he can just, you know, not listen to the podcasts where you’re angry. But no, he shouldn’t be deprived of you entertaining him. Instead, you should change what you talk about and how you talk about it to suit him.
I love swearing. And there’s some evidence that it’s good for you!
I do it selectively, of course, as my parents would need a fainting couch if I used certain language around them.
@HillRat:”I dunno about that. I can only speak for myself, but I’m never more profane than when I’m ranting in impotent rage about a situation that I’m powerless to control.”
Yeah, me too. Except women aren’t supposed to express rage. It’s so unladylike! Being denied that outlet–which men have–only furthers my inclination to cuss my ass off.
Also, HillRat and SarahMC make valid points about cussing selectively. I don’t do it in front of my older relatives who would be genuinely upset or offended, and I watch my mouth when I’m at my synagogue.
But in those situations I still have the right to be outraged and speak out when necessary, I just try to be a bitch without swearing.
@BeckySharper – Sure, but I think that’s expected of men just as much. Even Dick Cheney couldn’t get away with the f-word in a public political arena, and he’s the embodiment of everything evil about the world.
I think it’s much more telling who’s allowed to swear in situations when swearing is tolerated, or even encouraged, on the part of men. For example, in my experience, to the extent that women are allowed to be sports fans, it’s totally acceptable for a woman to swear when her team just made a huge mistake (aHEM, Steelers, you put me through this much too often). But that’s “understandable”, male-sanctioned anger — any men in the room are likely to be swearing just as much and probably more. It’s when women are angry about something that men might have a problem with that the “Oh, it’s so much nicer for everyone if you’re smiling” shit comes out.
@Baraqiel: I dunno…I suspect if Hillary Clinton had told a male senator to go fuck himself, there would have been WAY more backlash and “OMG, how appalling! She’s such a shrill harpy”. It would have been the top story on the news for weeks. Whereas with Dick Cheney it was just seen as him being rude because he was so testosteronal.
Personally, I use the word “FUCK” quite a bit. But now I have a child who is very much a sentient being, so I try to replace my choice swear words with the all-encompasing “CURSES”. Which cracks people up becasue I sound like a cartoon villian.
On the other hand a couple of years ago a (male) colleague, out of the blue, wanted me to tell him the nastiest word in my active vocabulary. I didn’t see why I should but, he pressed the issue. So, at random, I said COCKSUCKER. Not so bad really. But the poor schmuck nearly fell off his chair and has still to get over it, years later.
I do have a friend who NEVER uses foul language at all. Her father always told her that if she had to resort to those cliche words, she was deficient in intelligence and imagination. I say, FUCK THAT. Those nice Anglo-Saxon words are there for a reason.
Great thread, Becky!
I see two different issues here: vulgar language in general and women’s anger. I don’t like bad language in public. I think it shows a lack of respect for everyone around you. And I really hate it when parents curse in front of their kids. It is not cute to hear f-bombs out of the mouths of children. I think the epidemic of public vulgarity is just a symptom of the mental laziness of our society. Come on, people, have a little imagination!
There is no doubt at all that women’s anger is a powerful and terrifying force. That’s why the boys want to keep it contained. Tough. We’re not all your mommies and we don’t owe you anything beyond the same civility you owe us. And if we don’t get it, watch out. Swearing or not, we’re damned tired of depression when righteous anger is the appropriate reaction. Keep it up, harpies!
There is something to be said regarding polite society and manners among both sexes. I know I ain’t the fucking one to say it. Three cheers for cursing!
Oh dear, two triggers in one day for me – we’re off to a good start.
I was brought up by an out and proud harpy. My mother was in the Navy for 20 years and swears and talks like a sailor. I can’t say I’ve ever heard a man top anything I’ve heard from my mother’s mouth. So needless to say when I grew up and realised that women were supposed to talk and act a particular way, according to the rest of society, I was pissed.
I used to work behind the bar a few years ago and it was about this time I realised just how sexist the world was. In my world, women run the house, say whatever they want, do whatever they want, act however they want – period. So I thought ‘what are all those feminists whining about, everything is fine’ WRONG. Everyday I went to work I was constantly asked, by just about every single customer I encountered, why I wasn’t smiling or if I had had a bad day. It went on for a year and I was really starting to think that maybe I am just not a nice person to be around. But then it hit me. I work like the guys do. See the women behind the bar we all super sweet to everyone that came for a drink and asked them about their day and never stopped smiling, ever. I meanwhile was brief with customers (I really don’t care and I’m not going to pretend I do), got their drink and focussed on doing my job right and getting shit done – just like the guys. Did the guys get asked why they weren’t smiling or if they had a bad day, or worse, called a rude bitch – HELL NO!
This realisation culminated in a gigantic angry feminist rant at a customer one day who took it too far. The customer was horrified and confused (A woman talking and angry?! WTF?!) and I was left feeling very satisfied..
And I too, like many of the other women have mentioned have been called scary my entire life. Even where I work now I’m ‘scary’ even though I’ve never given anyone any reason to believe so. I don’t swear at work (except that time I dropped a box of loose paper and it went everywhere but that doesn’t count) purely because it’s unprofessional. But after the clock hits 5, the gloves are off…
I tend to include dry, veering into sarcastic, barbs in my academic writing, particularly in papers that are to be delivered live, rather than published. I think they’re funny. But I remember my PhD supervisor objecting to my “snide” tone in my criticism of a virulently misogynist article that he characterised as, wait for it: “tongue in cheek”. Pardon me Dr K., your double standard is showing.
@ Hill Rat–I don’t swear in front of either of my parents because it genuinely bothers them. I still recall one incident of my father saying shit during my childhood when we were lost in Delaware because cursing. never. happened.
Maybe it’s less that you are avoiding cursing with your mother and aunts because they are ladies and more that you know it bothers them?
I really, really fucking love swearing. It rolls off the tongue and when I’m too lazy to conjure up an actual insult calling someone a piece of fucking shit, a dumb fucker etc etc it just rolls off the tongue.
I enjoy it mostly because I *know* it offends people, I never thought of ‘why’ but this sure did answer a lot of questions.
@DangerMouse
I hear ya and indeed, aside from respect and deference, the primary reason I don’t cuss in front of my Mom, et al. is that they simply prefer that I don’t. But surely you’re not suggesting that gender/patriarchy/othering isn’t a factor in determining who develops this preference?
Becky, that is so true. It drives me insane when my husband (albeit rarely) makes out like I swear too much. No one else has ever said anything to me about my frequent use of fuck, shit, twat, dick, knob, cock, etc – guess they’re too intimidated. GOOD.
You hit it dead on. I’m sixteen, and already people are telling me that i intimidate them with the way i speak and act. Like Nicole, i’m just no-nonsense when it comes to work. I can’t- won’t- soften my speech to make my male peers more comfortable. Fuck ‘em!
I wonder if “women shouldn’t swear” doesn’t come from a control issue? I usually swear when I’ve lost control of my temper and we know that women should be in control of themselves at all times… (ya, right!) Whereas it’s a well known fact that men have no control so it’s okay for them to swear. /sarcasm