My disengagement ring. Worth every penny.
Growing up, I used to love playing in MamaSharper’s jewelry box. Jewelry was more than just beautiful, it was grown-up, and sophisticated–the things I aspired to be.
My mother always had gorgeous jewelry, thanks to my stepdad. A man of outstanding taste and style–like Tim Gunn, only straight and a hulking ex-football player–Dad has a crow-like affinity for sparkly stuff. When they first got married, he gave Mom his mother’s ring, which was nice, but relatively modest. They were both recently divorced and had young children–me and my stepsister–and didn’t have money for anything fancy. But later, when Dad’s business took off and Mom got a job with a higher salary, that wedding ring was sent off to the jeweler to be tricked out with a new, larger, heart-shaped stone and a series of small rubies around the band. Every birthday, Christmas and anniversary, my mother gets a new piece of jewelry–mostly gems and colored stones, exquisitely tasteful and well-designed. The ladies at the Neiman-Marcus jewelry counter at Tyson’s Corner and at Turgeon Raine in Seattle are on a first-name basis with my stepdad. My parents aren’t flashy in any way–they drive Volvos and live in a small three-bedroom house–but MamaSharper has some lovely jewelry.
That love of jewelry has stuck with me. I was practically swooning with delight when I went to the Tucson Gem and Mineral Show this year with BFF Elizabeth. Room after room and building after building full of fancy stones! Sparkly! Polished! Glowing! Calling my name! I came away with an amazing, deep-blue strand of Afghan lapis and several cut and polished loose stones that I’m having made into jewelry.
It’s not just about the sparkle, though. Jewelry also taps into my love of stories and history. On our last trip to London together, MamaSharper and I trolled Bond Street for my favorite kind of jewelry: antiques. MamaSharper has a bracelet from an English antiquarian jeweler that I absolutely covet: a suffragette bracelet made of pearls, amythyst and peridots. Suffragette jewelry of purple, white and green stones were worn by British society ladies of the early 20th century as a sign of support for the women’s suffrage movement.
I was determined to find a suffragette piece for myself, but none of the estate jewelers had any. I found something better, though–a necklace whose pendant is a tiny gold book, about the side of a postage stamp, with tiny gold pages. The front cover of the book has a tiny Star of David with an even tinier ruby in the center. The back “cover” of the book is inscribed with the German words: “Unforgettable Days.” It looked as though the pages were meant to be inscribed with dates–weddings, children’s birthdays, etc–but they were all blank. The antiques dealer didn’t know much about the gold book, only that it was made in the early part of the 20th century, and had been made for a German Jewish girl, probably as a birthday present. I bought it immediately. I have no idea who its owner was, or what became of her–I hope she died in London of old age–but I couldn’t resist the connection to that woman, whoever she may have been.
Now, despite my own crow-like affinity for shiny goodies, I’m not into plain old bling. I could care less about the great big white diamonds set in platinum whose only purpose is to telegraph “Hey, I’m loaded. Check me out!” Whether you’re P. Diddy and his Jacob the Jeweler ice or a Manhattan bride flashing her emerald-cut Tiffany solitaire, that shit is just tacky. Engagement rings especially have become a kind of arms race for women. I have seen too many perfectly intelligent, sane professional women turn into Gollum over a diamond engagement ring, even sending their fiances back to the store to buy bigger stones.
This is the ugly side of jewelry–the materialistic obsession with jewels as a status symbol or proof of love. It always struck me as being a massive priority FAIL. When I was talking marriage with my Older Lover, I made it perfectly clear that while I loved jewelry, I didn’t expect–or want–him to drop a bunch of cash on an engagement ring. He had a big mortgage, child support and credit card debt to take care of, and I wanted him to spend his money on those things–y’know, the things that actually matter–instead of on THE PRECIOUSSSSS. If he’d had a bottomless bank account, sure, I would have taken a ring. But he didn’t, so I didn’t.
When that relationship ended, still smarting and grieving over the breakup, I bought myself some diamonds. I wear them on my middle finger–a big fuck-you to all the people who told me I should have settled just for the sake of being married. The ring was not cheap, but I was not poor, and I figured that by not taking on a debt-ridden husband and a stepchild, I had ultimately saved at least twenty times the cost of the ring. I call it my Disengagement Ring, and it’s my favorite piece of jewelry–the story behind it is my own.
I’m terrible about jewelry. I love seeing fantastic creations, but they’re Art to me, not anything I could ever see myself wearing. I got my ears pierced when I was 4 (I BEGGED my mother, and my aunt, a nurse, did it while I sat on our kitchen table), and have subsquently added a few more holes, but I change my earrings about twice a year, from small hoops to studs, or the other way ’round. I used to wear a necklace and rings regularly, but I’ve quit doing that, too, for the most part. I have lots of friends who do the funky-chunky colorful thing, and while I admire it on them, I feel clownish if I wear anything more than a simple chain.
That suffragette thing is cool, though. I’d never heard of that.
Sometimes I think I’m lacking in aesthetic appreciation, and this is one of the reasons. I think jewellery is pretty enough, and like to look at it and/or wear it once in a while (although, like PhDork, I like to keep it simple), but I can’t go gaga over it. I’d rather use my money to travel or buy good food (I’m a recent student, so the budget is very tight), or buy books, or something else that I’ll really get enjoyment out of.
Bling can’t be as controversial as alcoholism and porn, right?
*hugs BeckyS*
Love jewelry, specifically bracelets and necklaces. (My ears are pierced, but usually the earrings come out by three if I put them in at 7 for work).
I don’t have that much sparkly jewelry, though. My most frequently worn necklace is a triple strand of turquoise-painted beads. I have a ton of bead and non-precious stone jewelry made by artisans in South America, from my father’s annual trips down there.
But traditional, sparkly jewelry? I think I have an amethyst necklace, a peridot necklace, and a padparadscha necklace, but that’s it.
@mischiefmanager: ((()))
From now on I’m just writing about how I love sunshine and kitty cats and jewelry.
Oh, I can totally relate. I don’t wear necklaces every day, but I loooove a well-designed pendant. I didn’t get my ears pierced until I was 17-ish, but once I did, I started collecting earrings. I now have…probably going on 100-150 pairs. It helps that I learned how to make dangle earrings. I make them with my grandmother. Whenever I visit her, we go to a bead store, pick out some nice things, and then design at home (my grandfather does most of the wire work). That means that almost all of my earrings have a great story — either I found them at an arts festival with my mother, or I made them with my grandmother, etc. I’ve never been the type of person who puts a ton of effort into making outfits and finding really great, unique clothes. Instead, I like to add the earrings for…just that touch, you know? (Speaking of which, I now know what colors my next pair’s going to be in…)
Hooray for pretty things!
When I was living in Egypt the married women I knew wore gold jewelry, usually bracelets, given to them by their husband or husband’s family. It was more than simple “materialism” though because the heavy bracelets were often quite valuable and could be traded in hard times, especially important for families who don’t have access to bank accounts and other financial savings instruments.
Jewelry is a major part of my life/look/fantasies, but my reasons aren’t even this well thought out. It’s just the simple joy of self decoration to me, and though I don’t own any expensive jewelry I love the idea of heirlooms and vintage pieces with lots of history attached.
@JD: I think that idea of a woman’s jewelry as “cash and carry” is pretty standard in the Middle East. A woman’s dowry or personal wealth is often converted into gold jewelry for maximum portability and so that it can be displayed on her person as proof of her wealth and social status.
I think it’s the same tradition in India with their spectacular gold wedding trousseaus. (Indian readers? Correct me if I’m wrong.) I absolutely salivate over the gold jewelry at the wedding jewelers’ stores in Jackson Heights, Queens. A lot of it is 18- or even 22-karat gold, which is extremely rare in the US.
I’m another maker-of-beaded-jewelry. My latest project has been making paper beads, which are the ultimate in recycled chic for me; I take strips of paper my toddler is finished coloring on, roll them into beads, and paint them with acrylic sealant. People coo over them and ask if they’re ceramic.
I’ve always felt guilty about my attraction to gemstones. They are so sparkly and pretty! But many of them — especially diamonds — historically have fueled violent conflict. I’ve been so happy to see “conflict-free” diamonds (and a certification process!) show up in the last decade or so.
I inherited an interestingly-set diamond ring a few years back. I should start wearing it; it’s So Sparkly!
@Cheryl: If you buy vintage and estate diamond jewelry, you don’t have to worry about them being conflict diamonds.
I like jewelry but I’m not sure I have anything that could be described as valuable. I bead, and then I have the rest from Etsy.
I have always maintained that were I ever proposed to with a big diamond ring I would immediately have to break up with said suitor on grounds of their NOT KNOWING ME AT ALL.
@Becky – I LOVE your disengagement ring. Fabulous story. I love all your posts, and especially the personal stories.
Third – I’m with you (obviously) about jewelry being about story-telling. That’s what makes a piece special, whether it’s family history, or an occasion that made that acquisition special. (I like to think of jewelry as acquisitions in the museum of me, along with photos.) Though I’m not above just decoration, either. Like Baraqiuel, I waited a long time to pierce my ears (21!) and have since gone nuts with earrings.
Finally, thank you for the info about suffragette jewelry! I’d completely forgotten about that, and it’s just so cool. I guess that means you have to go back to Britain again.
@JD, Becky: I think the American diamond engagement ring comes from the same idea, compensation if the man breaks off the engagement.
I’m not a jewelry person myself, though I’ve accumulated a bit, mostly through hetero man-adorns-woman rituals. I wear a diamond “engagement” ring (on my right hand), though it’s actually my grandmother’s ring. See Spark compromise.
I am also a jewelry lover, and have a preference for small pieces that I can leave on/in all the time. Most of my pieces were gifts from my mom. She gave me a pair of Yogo sapphire earrings for my birthday this year, which she bought in Montana while visiting her hometown. They’re just studs, maybe 1/8 carat each, and they’re truly gorgeous. I love the jewelry my mom buys me because it definitely reflects both how well she knows me; it reflects MY personality. And they mark momentous occasions – birthdays, yes, but not just because of the birthday, because the piece marks what my life was like at that time. She buys almost all of it from a local jeweler (all conflict-free diamonds) in my hometown she had as a high school Spanish student in the ’70s.
Most of my mom’s stuff is a lot bigger and like PhDork, I feel like I can’t pull those pieces off, though I admire them on people who can. (And I do covet my mom’s wedding ring, which is bigger than what I normally wear but consists of 20 small diamonds rather than one big one – came from an auction). Like PilgrimSoul, I can’t imagine hauling around a ginormous engagement ring, and if a dude presented me with one, it would be cause for alarm. Also, I’d probably destroy three sweaters and put my eye out within the week trying to maneuver with something giant on my hand.
@Spark: I think the diamond engagment ring was more of a “Hey I got money so I can afford a wife” kind of status symbol. Although in the Jewish wedding ceremony, the groom’s giving the bride a gold ring is actually symbolic of his endowing her with his goods per their marriage contract (which they sign during the ceremony). In the ancient tradition, Jewish grooms gave brides coins instead of a ring. Now he puts the ring on her finger and she symbolizes her acceptance of the contract by closing her fingers around it. It’s a really literal interpretation of marriage as a legal contract.
@Becky: I was thinking of this from Slate : “Until the 1930s, a woman jilted by her fiance could sue for financial compensation for “damage” to her reputation under what was known as the “Breach of Promise to Marry” action. As courts began to abolish such actions, diamond ring sales rose in response to a need for a symbol of financial commitment from the groom.”
That’s a kind reading of the Jewish marriage ceremony. The woman is not allowed to give a ring or any token to the man, because it turns the event into an exchange rather than an acquisition.
@Spark: Oh for the days when a broken engagement could result in legal action and payout! Maybe I could have gotten the money from my ex to buy my disengagement ring!
Oh man, the traditional Jewish ceremony pretty much encompasses all of the Patriarchy’s Greatest Hits. The woman shows up veiled, is bought and paid for by contract and doesn’t speak a word the whole time. Of course, this is why you only ever see it performed among the ultra-Orthodox–no modern Jewish woman would ever put up with it.
The only saving grace is the ketubbah itself, which offers a pretty good legal deal for the bride. When it’s enforced correctly, the terms are quite favorable, esp. now that most Orthodox ketubbot also contain what’s called the “Lieberman clause”, which says that if the husband leaves his wife but refuses to grant her a divorce, he has to maintain her financially for the rest of her life.
I love to hear about jewelry with a story behind it. I’m always watching Antique’s Roadshow and waiting to see people bring in their shiny pretties–which usually end up being worth ridiculous amounts of money. I just saw an episode where this old lady brought in a platinum ring with a canary diamond in it that was worth something like a $100 grand! The craziest thing is that it looked just like new (from what I understand, you just have to polish platinum to keep it looking brand-spankin-new). It’s always cool to hear the stories behind the jewelry, but honestly all I remember from that episode was the price of the ring and the look on that old lady’s face when they told her it!
@Becky: The compensation is for her reputation because an engaged woman was presumed not to be a virgin anymore. Under patriarchy, even when you win, you lose.
On the fairness of ketubahs: this is how the rabbi who married us consoled me when I was on the verge of going for a Wiccan or Quaker ceremony. Not that it matters, as our ketubah is of the legally meaningless “we promise to love each other” variety. Not that it doubly matters, because I reject any Jewish court’s claim of jurisdiction.
I had my wedding ring melted down for my “divorce ring”, gave the diamond to my daughter and had an ammolite stone instead — it’s soooo pretty.
I am so with you on the jewelry with a history.
Most of what I wear comes from my English grandmother; she gave me something like a dozen pairs of her earrings when I got my ears pierced at the age of 12, and I inherited most of her jewelry when she died two years ago.
Every piece of it means a lot to me, because of her, and because I spent so much time playing with her jewelry box as a kid
My mother got the valuable bits,such as a set of really pretty opals, but those weren’t what I wanted; what I treasure the most is a bracelet made of 3-penny coins from the thirties, and her wedding ring.
I can relate to playing in my mom’s jewelery box as a child. I loved it! She mainly had costume type jewelery, and never wore any of it that I remember (she had a bunch of kids, and was running a business). So for me the jewelery held the personality of my mom as a young vibrant woman out dancing and having fun, something I could barely imagine.
[...] the second sign: I wrote once before about how I have a diamond ring that I bought after I called off an engagement years ago. I call it [...]