Do any of y’all get irritated at being called “Miss?”
I don’t mean on correspondence–these days pretty much everything comes addressed to “Ms. Sharper”, which is as it should be. I mean being called “Miss” by salespeople in stores, folks who approach you on the street, telemarketers, etc.
I don’t like “Miss.” Never have. It’s an outdated form of address that should only be used for little girls. If you’re an adult woman you should be called “Ma’am”, the way any adult man expects to be called “Mister.” I realize that according to the Patriarchy, I’m technically “Miss” because I’m not married. But even if that mattered–which it shouldn’t–the bus driver doesn’t know that, and neither does the salesman at Home Depot. And I’m sure the Verizon customer service rep I just talked to couldn’t tell my marital status when she said, “Look, Miss, I don’t know when the repairman can reconnect your phone.” Hell, she couldn’t even tell my age either.
Truth is, calling a grown woman “Miss” is a way of talking down to her. When I get called that, especially by older salespeople or the dudes at the corner bodega (“Psst! Hey, Miss!”), I feel like I’m being infantalized–which at least some of the time is exactly what’s intended.
I know some people default to “Miss” for everyone who doesn’t have gray hair and a cane, out of fear of offending a woman by implying that she’s–God forbid!–old. Some women probably prefer “Miss”, because, as we know, some women don’t want people to know how old they are and like being treated as though they’re still sweet young things in knee socks. But it’s ridiculous to think it’s somehow impolite to address a woman as though she’s an adult.
We’ve made good progress in getting rid of “Miss” in written communication. Now I want us to get rid of it in spoken communication as well. So please, just call me “Ma’am.”
At 44, I’ve come to realize that these issues are just so small in the scheme of things.
Titles and words are just titles and words. I’ve been called Ms., Miss, Ma’am, Mrs., Honey, Sweetie, Bitch and Slut. (I consider myself a Ms., by the way.) The title or word makes no difference, just the intent of the person who uses the title or word and how I react to it. Ma’am can be used as a weapon and Bitch can be a funny endearment depending on the way it is used and who says it.
You can’t expect everyone to see the world or words the way that you do. They have only their own experiences to help them make social decisions, and their experiences may be quite different from yours or mine.
My advice? Let it go unless you truly feel that the person is intentionally trying to belittle you.
“Titles and words are just titles and words…You can’t expect everyone to see the world or words the way that you do”
That is unbelievably naive and simplistic. As is your assumption that I’m merely overreacting because I’m too stupid to recognize the intent behind what kind of language/titles people use.
This one drives me up the wall! I also hate “sweetheart”, and it is still quite popular in the south. If you’re a stranger, and you call me Miss or Sweetheart, you can expect stony silence. If you’re a friend, you can expect an earful!
I had a kickass high school teacher who took care to explain to us that she preferred to be called “Ms.” and not “Miss” or “Mrs.” because, the way she explained it, why should her marital status be an issue in her title when it isn’t for men?
I still insist on “Ms.” myself – although I had a former co-worker who insisted on “Miss,” and we had a little conflict about it when addressing invitations to an event. Wasn’t the only women’s issue we disagreed on… not that it’s necessarily an indicator of feminism or lack thereof, but I’ve always remembered it.
@Olivia030: Yeah, that drives me nuts too. Very Southern. I mind it less when it’s from someone who’s elderly, because to them it’s mostly meant in an endearing, rather than infantalizing way.
But case in point: when Jimmy Carter was president, he got in trouble for calling a female reporter “Darlin”. To a Southern gentleman of his generation, it was totally no big deal, and he thought he was being sweet. He had to learn from the backlash that it was a mistake.
@livinonfaith: I think I understand where you were going with your comment, and I agree that we do need to be respectful of the differences in people’s backgrounds and cultural assumptions. However, I don’t agree that words are trivial. Words are the tools we use to construct a culture. As such, they determine the way we think and speak. So those who determine norms in the terminology we used to address each other are telling us how we relate to each other.
Maybe when people use “miss” they don’t intend to be insulting or belittling. But it does seem rather old-fashioned, to say the least. And certainly, once someone objects to the term, the user should respect the wishes of the person who was addressed.
We all put up with insults, tiny and otherwise, every day, and if we want to keep our sanity, we swallow most of it. But we also have the right to say “enough”.
I blogged about this issue recently, more about how the term “lady” pisses me off no end.
http://rebeccas-opinions.blogspot.com/2009/09/i-am-not-lady.html
I find it as irritating as you do “Miss”, though that term isn’t used as widely in Australia, or I just don’t hear it.
I tend to be good at not hearing things I don’t want to hear.
Yes, I’d much rather be called Ma’am. Words do have power and influence the way we think.
It may be just a small thing that you hear once a day. But that once a day is 365 times a year, and it’s like drops of water wearing away a stone. Why should we ignore that? If it’s so unimportant, then it should be easy to stop.
I don’t think I’m making much sense, but basically, ITA.
Some words just don’t have the same connotation to everyone. Personally, I prefer being called Miss than Ma’am. I just don’t feel like a Ma’am.
And sweetheart wouldn’t bother me if it’s comes from someone who is just being nice, but I do hate being called lady. Recently, I stood up for myself to this psycho guy who called me a racist after he responded to an ad I put up looking for a roommate, because when he called I told him it was no longer available, which was the truth, but apparently that made me a racist and defending myself resulted in me being called a maniac, a woman with a strong character who thought she was smarter than she really was, and lady. As in “Listen Lady…”
I was so mad. I asked for an apology (not for the lady bit, but for the harassing behavior) and instead of apologizing her offered me his dick.
[...] that was spurred on by a blog post that I read on The Pursuit of Harpyness last night: “Don’t Call Me “Miss”: A Rant”. Some women don’t like being called Miss, some women don’t like being called [...]
I’ve read over most of these comments and agree. I hate to be called Miss. It irritates me to some degree “every” time I hear it. I’m over 50 and even if the man is trying to be nice I find it demeaning to title me as a “Miss” (like, Miss Ellie). After all I have done: career, raising three children, paying for colleges as a single mom later on, and getting an MBA, and then someone dares refer to me as “Miss”? Like: “litte miss”. Very disrespectful. How should I refer to men? As Miss John? Miss Dave? How would they like that?
I guess you can tell I was trying to see what other women felt about this after leaving work today being referred to as Miss Lynn.
In the south waiters will call women “ma’am” but not say “sir” to the other male patrons so I find it sexist and about age to call women ma’am.
I would be okay being called ma’am if every adult woman was addressed as ma’am. But when you go into a bar and they call the 25-year-old woman next to you Miss and then turn to you and you’re Ma’am…I mean WTF? Then you KNOW Ma’am is code for old-b*-I-wouldn’t-want-to-f* right? And NO woman likes being that or thought of as that.
What’s offensive is the idea that if you no longer look 18 as a woman you’re somehow irrelevant and out of the running as a vibrant and yes, sexual human being where men are always distinguished older gentlemen. I think that’s why so many grown women are offended at being called Ma’am – young and old.
You’re absolutely correct about the Miss title. It is meant for little girls. Nobody past teenage should be called Miss. If it was being used that way, I would be okay with it. But it’s not. Personally I would prefer Ms for every woman. Sir applies to every male irrespective of actual age (or perceived age).
And it isn’t hard to pronouce and sounds pretty different from Miss with it’s soft hiss sound at the end. But that’s not happening as long as ma’am is so entrenched in the military and the southern states.