Gentle readers, the last few months have been something of an epic headache Chez BeckySharper. You see, after many years in my humble Brooklyn abode, I finally scraped together the money to renovate my home. I decamped to a sublet on the Upper West Side–rented to me by one of the not-boyfriends, who was spending August in Tel Aviv–while my apartment was rewired, replastered, repainted and my old dingy bathroom–unfondly dubbed “Rhapsody in Beige” by a friend–was completely demolished and rebuilt. The place now looks awesome, if I do say so myself.
Still, upon my return I discovered that there are some major problems. The phone line and phone jacks, which were removed during the rewiring, were never replaced. I suddenly had no land line, which meant no DSL. The circuit breakers were tripped, causing some outlets to go dead and the ignition on the stove to malfunction. There is something fatally wrong with the TV cable–as diagnosed during today’s visit by the Cablevision guy–which requires my contractor to come back and pull it out of the wall.
And besides all that, my post-renovation to-do list is long. New bookshelves have to be delivered. Home Depot needs to pick up leftover building materials. Furniture has to be retrieved from storage. There’s so much to be done that, I confess, I’m even contemplating having things delivered or workmen come by on Yom Kippur simply because it’s the one day I have off from work. (Theological question: will I have to atone for scheduling housework and errands on the holiest day of the year, or is the annoyance of it punishment enough?)
And not only is this chaos making me a bad Jew, it’s driving me to bad, anti-feminist places. I fumed to the Harpies that I was going to have to turn in my feminist card because in my frustration I kept ranting: “if only I had a partner, this would be so much easier!”
I bought the place as a single woman, live in it as a single woman, funded the renovation as a single woman, but it wasn’t until this renovation that I realized, hey, I’m single. There is only one of me, and this job needed multiple arms and legs and strong backs. I not only longed for a big strong male, but for a large brood of sturdily built children. Why had I never considered starting a family simply as a source of free labor?
PhDork let me off the hook by saying something along the lines of “That doesn’t make you a bad feminist. Things are always easier with two people.” She should know–her Dude is quite handy, and when they were staying at my place this weekend he was kind enough to mess with my cable box and produce the extra co-axial cable it needed to be operational (well, operational if the actual CATV cable in the wall had been working, which it was not). And the Dude and ‘Dork’s overall camraderie and good humor made me feel a lot less frazzled about the chaos of my single-woman household, with its various technological breakdowns and long to-do lists.
I realize that I’m being frazzled and control-freaky about some seriously First World problems here. Missing “Project Runway” for the second straight week in a row is not truly a hardship. And I’m lucky that I have the friends and financial resources to make this all a lot less stressful than it could be. Women everywhere do way more with way less.
I also realize more acutely than ever why working men always wanted a housewife, and why pretty much every working woman needs one too. This shit is exhausting and time-consuming. No wonder the Patriarchy always wanted us at home–you’d have to pay a fortune to hire someone to do it all for you. (If any of y’all are looking for an unpaid internship, I’ll mentor you in the fine arts of harpydom in exchange for duties like sorting through invoices and waiting for repairmen to show up).
In conclusion, here’s a shout-out to single women who are heading households everywhere, especially those who have the additional stresses and complications of handling all the routine crap of daily life while raising the next generation. Women are truly what makes the world go around.
Got work-life balance advice? Please share in the comments….
My advice is don’t be too hard on yourself; every single woman has those moments. I recall the time I purchased a large piece of furniture that wouldn’t fit in my car. I ended up borrowing a dolly from the store and wheeling that motherf*cker through the streets of San Francisco to my apartment. Then I pushed, pulled, and tugged it up several flights of stairs, cursing the whole while. At the time, my bf and I were together but living in different states. Just having him around, albeit only periodically, had given me a taste of having a partner, which made doing the task alone tougher. I was really annoyed with myself, like, you’ve managed just fine by yourself for a long time, what the hell is this, now?! But no man or woman is an island. We all need other people at times, even if it’s just to fix the cable so that there’s one less thing on a very long to-do list.
Admittedly, I feel like I’ve become less independent since I started living with my bf. Some things that I used to do because I had to I now rely on him to do. It’s a little disconcerting. So my second piece of advice is to continue to relish the sense of pride and accomplishment that successfully running your life without a partner brings you. I miss that sometimes.
Not really advice but people have always needed other people to get stuff done. One of my favorite examples of this is the common observation that the Jefferson wouldn’t have had the time to sit around formulating and writing the Declaration of Independence if he hadn’t had slaves taking care of everything else.
This is why it irritates me when people ask me if I mind being “supported” by my husband (I’m a SAHM). Um, excuse me but we support each other. Running a household is no small task even without kids.
On a slightly different note I don’t know if any of you are familiar with the Anita Blake books by Laurell K Hamilton but the title of this post made me think of them. The title character has a demanding career and a complicated love life which includes living with two men. Like her one of the men (Micah) has a busy work life but the other one (Nathanial) runs the house. There is a great scene where Micah points out to Anita that if they didn’t have Nathanial as the “wife” (i.e. running the house) there is no way they would be able to do everything else that they do.
Life’s logistics often really do require more than one set of hands. Asking for help is always okay. Believing you don’t need help is about as realistic as believing you can “have it all”.
As for YK, I’d say to do whatever will make you less crazy. If you’re trying to be in the spirit of the day and all you can think about is “how am I going to going to have to live in chaos?”, then it’s not worth doing.
My husband recently started a new job, at which he is working remotely. He’s been putting in 70-80 hour weeks, partly because the home office is on the west coast and we’re in the eastern time zone. But that means that I am pretty much doing everything, and I just started my second part time job. I’m trying to spare him because I know he’s tense and exhausted. But this situation can’t last indefinitely.
And I don’t even have little kids at home any more. It’s just not easy for anyone these days.
Have you considered voodoo for your troubles? A couple zombies could help you with those sofas/boxes/Yanni tapes! I don’t know how that would jam with your Judaism, though–you might have to create a fusion religion (“Jew-doo”?)
Of course life is easier with a partner! There’s nothing anti-feminist about recognizing that. The partner doesn’t have to be a person of the opposite sex who performs stereotypically gendered chores, which is why I hate that phrase about needing a wife!
@BeardownCBears: In Judaism we have golems! (not to be confused with goyim, although I have those too)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golem
I seriously need to go get some dirt and just make one already!
@SarahMC: Yeah, I hate that phrase too, because really, it just goes right to the heart of everything that’s wrong with our culture’s assumption that it’s the woman’s job to stay home and do everything. I don’t care who the hell does it, so long as I get some fucking help around here!
Maybe I need one of those paid ladies’ companions, like they have in Victorian novels.
@Becky: I forgot about those!
Then go do
That Jew-doo
That you do
So well!
Honestly one of the things I love about having a roommate (beside the fact that my cheap ass LOVES splitting the rent, utilities and cable) is that there are two (at least) people on hand to handle any home related issue. From loading the dishwasher to taking out the garbage to waiting for the cable guy or even talking about some weird shit the neighbor is up to. Having an extra set of hands does help. Part of the problem is our society tells us that having a platonic roommate past a certain age is weird or “spinsterish” and its something to feel ashamed about.
ETA: not that its wrong for you to have your own place and live alone either.
Oh, everything is *definitely* easier with at least two people. I spent the summer in an apartment with my boyfriend and we marveled all the time how much easier it was than living alone would be: I cooked, he did the dishes, we divided the cleaning evenly, did the grocery shopping together, paid less because living as a couple is more cost effective…
I mean, there’s a reason that people who can afford it pay others to do almost everything practical for them, from cleaning house to cooking to arranging appointments and driving them around. It’s the same reason that farming families used to have a lot of kids for (as you said) the free labor.
It’s not antifeminist to recognize that living in a multiple-person unit comes with many kinds of privileges, and to desire those. The point of privileges is that they’re nice to have, right?
and then your golem can save Hannukah!! Win-win.
But you don’t NEED a partner, what you need is a nearby tribe that you can enlist to do manual labor and then pay off with beer and pizza.
I felt this way frequently after I bought my house nine years ago. There was suddenly a lot more to do compared to my apartment, even when I wasn’t doing any house or yard projects. It didn’t help matters that I have a fixer-upper and am cheap. There’s nothing wrong with getting help from your friends or just accepting that things are going to take longer with one set of hands.
I did a total demolition/remodel of my bathroom last summer. I had help from my dad and my then-boyfriend. I hired a plumber to re-route the pipes and install the new tub, but we did everything else. It was nice to have helpers. Right now I’m getting new windows put in, which means that at the moment there’s an 8 ftx12ft hole in my living room that’s boarded up. I was not feeling motivated to do it myself, so this time I hired a contractor to do it.
Because of disability, I couldn’t practically cope with living alone, and whilst I’m happily married, I’ve had to think about this in order to avoid lying awake at night in fear of what would happen to me should disaster strike (and indeed, to avoid our relationship being sullied by a sense that I could never afford to leave even if I wanted to).
I’m very much of the opinion that being romantically single need not necessitate living alone. In our culture we imagine that after student days, members of a household should be joined either by blood or a sexual relationship, but it’s not a rule. I’m very fortunate in that I have a few friends who I honestly think I could happily live with, and who are unconventional enough to entertain the idea. Because of the help I need, I’d need to live with people who were much closer than a roommate who simply shares the rent, but I’m also confident of the contribution I could make myself. In the case of friends who are also disabled, it would be a matter of sharing the cost of carers, but that would still be preferable to relying on my aging parents or living in an institution.
I guess my point is that the issue isn’t really about being a single woman, more about living alone.
@TheGoldfish: You’re 100% right about it being more a “live alone” issue than a “single woman” issue.
There’s a growing movement in Brooklyn for the establishment of co-housing communities that are a mixture of families, single younger people and seniors. The idea is basically to form your own urban tribe so that you’re never actually living alone:
http://www.planetizen.com/node/36312
I’m lucky that my own building is a bit like this already–my neighbors have done so much to help me with the renovation, like storing my stuff in their apts. and letting me come by to use their wireless internet. Maybe I’ll write more about it later…co-housing is an idea that intrigues me.
Why had I never considered starting a family simply as a source of free labor?
Because it’s a spectacularly bad idea. The investment in time & money is very high and the payoff pretty slight if you don’t have a farm. After four years of intense training and nurturing I can only count on BabyRat to get me beers out of the fridge, watch the LittlestRat while I go to the bathroom, close the gate on the fence, and bread chicken cutlets (no joke). Her work is frequently sloppy and sub-par, but I tolerate it because of the shit tons of love and joy she brings me everyday of my life.
Yes, co-housing! I didn’t know there was a word for it. I definitely fantasize about living in a multi-family house with friends. I think living in close proximity would be fine, but I worry that the financial aspect would strain friendships.
I think co-housing is a great idea. A few friends and I have entertained a dream about living in a house together when we are older, complete with partners and children, and supporting each other that way. I’d teach their children English, they’d teach mine German, we’d share cooking duties…
One of them actually grew up in a house a bit like that, two families shared a kitchen and living room, as well as babysitting duties, so she was never lacking for company as a kid. She loved it.
I’ve always imagined myself living with friends when I got older. I’ve never lived alone–too poor, really, so I’ve always had a roommate. My first roommate after college and I called each other “wife,” because we had such a wonderfully co-operational relationship. She liked to tidy, I liked to wash. She liked to bake, I liked to cook. She washed the dishes, I put them away. She did the dishes if they were left in the sink for too long, because she had a thing about it (we all have out things), which led me to doing my own dishes out of guilt/fear of leaving her to do my dishes for me–but the good kind of guilt, the kind that makes humans as a social animal actually work, you know? If she never marries and has children (which she wants to do eventually), I’d love to live with her again. I think living with my partner and a friend would be fine, but he’s less enthused about it, mostly because he thinks he’d have a problem living with her, being messier than me and all.
But now I live with Partner, and it’s been amazingly easier so far. Cheaper groceries, don’t have to worry about my dog when I go away for the weekend, or if I’m out of the house all day, someone to go get me medicine if I wake up sick. And he’s lucky, too–I clean the bathroom (it’s my thing), feed his cats in the morning, and loudly and vociferously tell him how much I enjoy his cooking. Which means he is happy about his cooking, because it’s better to cook for/with someone who appreciates it than by yourself, and I hardly ever eat cheerios for dinner anymore.
Anyone who thinks that this cultural set-up we have isn’t giving the coupled vast amounts of privilege is blind or willfully ignorant. I want to live in a world in which my chosen family is as valued by others as my biological one, and where my best friends are as important as my sister. Where I don’t have to be romantically involved with someone to want to cohabitate with them forever, or where platonic relationships aren’t denigrated as less than romantic ones.
Becky, I’ll be your paid companion. If you’ll sponsor me for a green card.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately too, because for some reason the last week I’m a little more lonely than average – I think it’s because I’m emerging from a depression, actually, and really noticing my situation more – and also I have a hard time keeping up with my place, which is really too big for one person, by myself. And I’d just like someone I could cook for and bake for, and even just someone to go to dinner with a propos of nothing. ahem.
I have a dad who loves to help with everything, but he’s been in the hospital the last month or so and won’t be able to visit before Christmas, so on the home repairs front I could use some help too. My cat is of no use in this arena.
There was an article in the NYTimes a few months ago about two women friends, in their 50s I think, who bought and remodeled an apartment so that they could have their own spaces (they wanted their own kitchens) but still live together. I can’t for the life of me find it…
“And I’d just like someone I could cook for and bake for, and even just someone to go to dinner with a propos of nothing. ahem.”
Honestly this is what I like about having a roommate. I think its really underrated. Just having another human being in your space from time to time, and sharing a sort of domesticity, can be incredibly comforting. You should think about getting a roommate PS.
@Hill Rat: You sound like a mean boss. If the Dems pass card check, you’re fucked (assuming your little one can write her name on a petition).
(yuk yuk)
Even when you’re living with a roommate/partner, we all need someone *else* to do all the stuff that needs to happen. DH and I talk a lot about needing a an assistant or third partner to take care of all the stuff we can’t seem to fit into the day. Definitely living with my DH is much easier than living alone (in many ways – though there are definitely trade-offs – I never imagined I’d need to argue about how loud a video game could be at 11pm, and my perpetual messiness drives him insane, though I am MUCH better than I used to be), but I still think a household of three partners/roommates can work really well. I lived with three roommates for a long time, and the fourth wasn’t there a lot. Three seemed like the perfect number (a la Nick Hornby’s About a Boy).
@BearDownCBears
Only if your definition of a mean boss includes allowing his subordinates to creep into his bed every night to snuggle and accidentally kick him in his junk.
can I harp on one thing just for a second? “Repairman”… Maybe workers is a better descriptor? /rant.
Roommates can definitely go both ways. I was living with three other (older) women up until a month ago, and it drove me insane. The house wasn’t big enough and I’d never met them before moving in, so living with them didn’t go that well. I never used the kitchen (because I felt so uncomfortable) so most of my money went to takeout/dining out. I’m now living with someone I knew beforehand, but wasn’t super close with, and so far it’s going well. Except that she hasn’t taken out the cardboard she promised to take out two weeks ago, but I’m trying not to pick on her!
I’ve also lived on my own before and cannot imagine taking on such an extensive renovation with a partner, let alone myself. So all I can really say is good for you, BeckySharper! I raise my diet pepsi in salute to you!
Bluebears, I am actually part of that odd segment of the population that has never had a roommate she wasn’t dating. I blame it on being a spoiled only child, but actually even in college I always lived in studio apartments – real estate’s cheap in Montreal, and by the time I left it I was earning enough cash.
It’s the roommate sex thing that keeps me from getting one. I am lamely private about sex. Not terribly in vogue, I know, but point being, I don’t want to hear anyone else’s given that I try not to have anyone hear mine.
@Miktacular: Much as I love gender equality, “repairman” is 100% accurate. I have yet to see a single penis-free workperson/tradesperson come through my door. There are so many men coming and going that my neighbors must think I’m a hooker.
@HillRat: My grandfather used to tell the story of how he stopped showering with his kids when my younger aunt–age 3–slipped in the shower and clutched the nearest object to break her fall. Kids takes a toll on one’s junk.
As for roommates:PSoul’s story of living sans roommates in college seems almost unimaginably luxurious to me, since my alma mater stuffed us into dorm rooms like dogs in cages at a puppy mill. My senior year I got really lucky in the housing lottery and scored a single room, which meant I could finally have, y’know, sex, in my own bed(like PSoul, I’d just a soon not have an audience, thank you very much).
I did have a roommate for 6 months when I first move to NYC, and while she is a very nice person, we drove each other nuts and I have lived alone ever since. I do miss being able to wander into the living room and chat with someone, or make dinner and talk about one’s day, etc. Companionship is nice, and you have to really make an effort to cultivate that if you live alone, which is sometimes more effort than I can summon up at the end of the day.
The internetz, though, are an excellent form of community, and y’all don’t have to see my dirty dishes in the sink!
PSoul & Becky: This is the thing though, I had roommates in college as well and it always sucked. Cause yeah, you’d hear them doing it, you’d fight about getting your money every month, people would inevitably come in at 4am and get in some screaming fight on the phone with their boyfriend etc…
However, two professional women living together can be quite different. For one thing, not saying people are rich here, but you could both likely afford a big enough space that insulates you from noise (sex, et al) and also hopefully you’d live with someone that was considerate, ie. not fucking scream the house down while…well, fucking. I really advise not doing it blind though for above stated reasons. My advice for finding a good roommate (if anyone cares)? Find someone you like and have hung out with on more than one occasion, has a decent job, and isn’t your closest friend (that can be problematic as well)and then bring it up to them because most people who have decent jobs aren’t necessarily looking for roommates.
The only person I’d want as my roommate right now is my boyfriend. I lived with roommates throughout college and for a few years after graduation but I’ve decided I am officially over that. I cannot stand playing House Mother to practical strangers and I am unwilling to clean up after anyone but my dog. I seem to attract people with no initiative for paying bills, doing repairs, bringing the mail inside, etc.
I love living alone.
I think you just need a personal assistant, hollywood has them why can’t you!
in our town now-a-days everyone seems to outsource everything from the singles, one income/SAHM&SAHD, dual-income couples, etc… everyone is spread so thin, that it seems the easy way-out is to outsource. i have three kids so unfortunately cannot afford to outsource. would love a personal chef, maid who cleans & does laundry, and a chauffer with kiddo pick-up/drop-off.
Really, we all need our own Tony Danza.
It’s funny, isn’t it, how hard it is to ask for help but how much we appreciate being asked? Within reason, of course. but we all like to be needed.
PS & Becky: My freshman year roommate in the dorms hung a large, glow in the dark crucifix over her bed. Jesus burned bright long after the lights went out. Suffice it to say there was no sexytime in that room for me.
@tallgirl: OMFG. And I thought the girls in my dorm with their cutesy “Jesus Loves You” stickers were bad. I don’t think I’d be able to masturbate in that room, let alone have sex there.
I have to chime in and say that Becky is a wonderful friend and hostess, and, given the horribleness of the situation (which, one week later, has not resolved, so I am camping in a studio in the EV), we actually had a good time staying with her. Even though her home was (is) not back together, she invited us to stay for the weekend.
We’ve had so much help from our friends this last week (and it’s continuing), we’re actually planning on moving closer to a couple of them. Even though we’re a pair, we’re still only two people, and this last week has proven how important networks of friends are. That’s why we’re planning to move closer to some of them, so we can hang out more and help with hanging pictures and dog-sitting and stuff.
It was a pleasure having you, Dorky! Dog willing, you’ll be moving to my hood.
Enjoy staying at my place tomorrow…even though THE MOTHERFUCKING CABLE STILL DOESN’T WORK.
@Becky: I should add that my roommate was a super sweet girl, quiet as a mouse. Compared to some of the roommate drama that others experienced, I got off lucky with the crucifix. And in retrospect, the one dude I wanted to sleep with but didn’t because I couldn’t take doing the deed under the watchful gaze of a glowing plastic messiah ended up being a total douchebag. Jesus saves.
I love the idea of living with friends (though I have a partner). It just makes sense. A few of my friends refer to each other as sisters (and not *just* in the feminist way) and we have a plot to get some land and split it up with little dwellings.
I remember thinking the ideal was the arrangement, by chance, that two sisters I knew had. They had separate flats in an old Victorian, but the way the house was set up was that they, and they alone had access to the inside second floor. So they’d leave their doors unlocked for each other, and wander freely. One had a bigger bath and the other a bigger kitchen. They also had an understanding that sometimes they would lock their doors for privacy — which I do need lots of, so I think that’s great. Pretty cool.
@Becky and tallgirl – Oh, is this the time for freshman year roommate stories? My first freshman year roommate did the following:
-IMed me before we got to school and told me that she would appreciate it if I never asked her for private use of the room for sexual purposes, because she didn’t agree with pre-marital sex.
-Asked me, on the first night of orientation, if I’d ever consider starting a relationship with a professor (“No.” “But what if you think he’s the one?” “Then you can wait the four years.” “By the way, that prof that spoke at the event earlier looked hot, don’t you think?” “…no.”)
-Told me that my considering Bush and Cheney to be evil personally offended her and that I should apologize to her.
-Told me that she thought freshman shouldn’t be required to attend safe sex or assault prevention workshops because “there are other ways to arrive at that knowledge, like through God”.
-Got VERY offended when I said that her eating matzah as a snack in September was a goyish thing to do.
-Started hooking up with a senior two doors down from us a week and a half into the semester, made out with him in our room with the door unlocked, and told one of my hallmates (at 2 a.m. in the bathroom) how good in bed this guy was.
…I moved.
LOL. I have no bad freshman roommate stories. Mine was a very nice girl from Green Bay who now lives in DC and works as a journalist. Thank God for her, too, because the majority of other girls on my hall were nice Baptist or Methodist Sunday School princesses who used to ask me earnest questions about why I didn’t believe in Jesus and give me grief because I slept naked (not that they ever SAW me naked, they just knew that I didn’t wear a nightgown, because I told them so).
[...] my messed-up situation: this summer’s renovations left my TV cable completely ferkakta. The cable guy who came to fix it was a good-looking young [...]
[...] a month or two, the lease has always been in my name only. There have definitely been times when I wished for a few helping hands around the house, but generally, the freedom of living alone is pretty great, and I can’t say [...]
I enjoyed this post and really can relate to it. However, I’m married and still find myself working a full day, coming home, making dinner, cleaning the house, doing all of the errands, etc. I don’t think that having a man or being married really reduces a womans’ work load. It’s always going to be there no matter what.