Via Liz_Kelly @ Flickr.
In my most recent post for Bed, Bitch and Beyond blog, I actually switched from talking about sex to talking about…no sex. This was in response to a brilliant reader comment: Becky I’m interested to know if you’ve ever thought about abstinence from a sex positive feminist type of perspective. I mean, in some ways it seems like “not having sex” is an option that has been completely co-opted by the abstinence only sex ed types, and exists only as a purely moral decision. I’m struck by the absence of discussion of abstinence from a sex positive feminist perspective. But isn’t it also important to reframe not having sex in sex positive terms? In strange way,though, in all of these discussions you’ve started (at least on Bitch) about sex, it seems like you’ve revealed the most taboo option in the minds of many sex positive folks is not to have sex.
Can you be sex-positive and still choose or advocate celibacy? Or are the two things mutually exclusive?
I think it depends how one defines sex-positive. My interpretation of sex-positivity mostly has to do with stripping away the artificial moral structures and shame built around sex, while still acknowledging that it has actual risks and repercussions, and being proactive about dealing with those. In other words, putting agency where it belongs: in the hands of those directly involved in the encounter.
By that definition (and I realize there are probably as many others as there are people who have heard the phrase), choosing abstinence temporarily or long-term is totally consistent with being sex-positive and feminist.
I think it is entirely possible to be both. Why couldn’t a person who was a promoter of proper education still choose abstinence? NOT having sex isn’t any more or less acceptable than having it, as long as the decision is made with information. I’ve recently opted to abstain until I get things in my life back on track, because I know that if there is someone new in my life, it will be more difficult to make the dramatic changes that are necessary. I don’t see this as a non-sex-positive decision. I see it as a totally pragmatic one made by someone who has never had guilt or shame about sex but recognizes that it doesn’t always need to be present for me to be happy.
These topics are absolutely not mutually exclusive! I’ve always refrained from getting into these debates because it always would appear black and white. However, I’ve always believed that you can in fact be sex-positive and still uphold standards of celibacy.
For example, my husband and I believe that sex is quite possibly, no, seriously, the best thing ever, for reasons we don’t have to say. But, like all good things in life, sex is also easily tarnished by worldly evils. And it’s not so much of “don’t do it because your dick will fall off and you’ll die.” It’s more of an irresponsible sex trend, how people don’t understand the commitments and emotional complications that arise from irresponsible relations.
I wish that this topic was talked about more in society, particularly with teenagers. Abstinence only obviously doesn’t work, and I don’t think, “This is sex, here, have a condom” is effective or productive either. Having a middle ground (idealistic, much?) and explaining reality would be much more effective.
I’m going to go read your article now.
Intriguing! I definitely think knowing it’s ok to say no is part of sex positivity – and not just for teens (who are the ones getting the sex-ed conversations for the most part).
For me, sex positivity means enjoying sex and recognizing that it’s a fun activity between two people mature enough to understand potential consequences and take care of eachother’s needs.
It doesn’t mean always saying yes or having sex with anyone who’s interested “Just because”. Sometimes that’s fun (we’ve all got needs!), sometimes it’s an unhealthy choice (I’m speaking for myself) and sometimes it leaves us with unexpected fallout (anything from diseases to hurt feelings).
Like you, Becky, I grew up in a very sex-positive household, but didn’t have sex. I’m actually still a virgin at 20, a fact I try not to flaunt or hide. I’m not conventionally attractive, and never have been (although I do think I’m a pretty girl… but that’s neither here or there), so I never really had the chance to have sex until I hooked up with a co-counselor at a summer camp when I was 18. The situation was never really right that summer, though: either we didn’t have condoms, or one of us just didn’t feel like it.
Even though my sexual experience is limited, I’m still the go-to girl for sex advice from my friends. I KNOW about sex, even though I’ve never had it. I also know about my body, and what I like and don’t like sexually. I think that’s an important facet of sex-positivity that a lot of people ignore. Knowing where you like to be touched and how not only enhances the experience for both partners, it makes you more confident, I think.
In conclusion, sorry for the novel. Abstinence (albeit accidentally) and feminism are two important aspects of my life that happen to coexist.
Sex positivity requires respecting the choice to be sexually abstinent, IMO.
Absolutely. I was abstinent for while in my 20s, and it wasn’t because I was sex negative. I just didn’t want to sleep with a man I didn’t also enjoy talking to out of bed. Unfortunately, I didn’t meet so many of those for quite a while. When I met my now husband, I happily made up for the dry spell.
I attended a panel discussion last year about whether feminism and the hijab (Islamic standards of modesty)could coexist. The comment by one girl there stuck with me: that she didn’t wear the veil because she was indecent otherwise (and it’s clearly not a standard of decency in modern United States,) but because it connected her with her faith and because it was a sign that her sexuality was hers, and *she* would decide who she slept with.
So for the same reasons I don’t wear clothing that flaunt my ass or breasts- because I love my body and feel that I demonstrate more respect for myself by gaining attention in less shallow and objectifying ways.
I love sex, but I am currently celibate, because, like JetGirl, I want to be in love with the person I sleep with. Hook ups are fun, and just as there’s no reason to look down on those of us who do that from time to time, there’s no reason to judge anyone who makes the opposite choice with their sexuality- to save it for someone special.
I think these concepts are not polar opposites, instead puts the idea of a person’s bodily autonomy and integrity in the forefront of human sexuality and pleasure (regardless of sex and gender). The issues identified by Becky involve open and honest communication by people (at an individual, people involved with each other in an intimate way, and the broader issues, at the societal levels) about the issue of sex and, in this case female, sexuality, in all its resplendency and intricacy… without privileging one form or type, and othering those do not conform.
I think that the cultural tension that being a woman entails (the condemnation of being sexual/not being sexual enough thing) really does a lot to confuse, and confound a woman… and this does play on self-esteem and confidence… despite the best of intentions in trying to live a particular ideal of feminist sex positivity, I haven’t always been able to live up to them.
Becky, thanks for the Bitch post. I realise Australia is a little bit more progressive on the sex-ed front, I wish there were discussions about these sorts of issues taking place in sex-ed classes.
Of course, otherwise you’d be arguing that sex is compulsory, which doesn’t sound very sex positive to me.
I certainly think you can be both. Overall it’s just a personal choice and personal choice doesn’t always necessarily reflect your opinions about something (I’m choosing to refrain from sex but I’m not gonna try to force the same thing on anyone else, it’s their choice).
I was abstinent until I was in my 20s, but throughout my teens and early 20s I was a sex-positive feminist. I think the important thing to remember about being sex-positive is that the people having sex should be having sex because they are comfortable with having sex–with their partners, with themselves, and with the responsibilities that come along with having sex. Sex-positive doesn’t mean you have to have sex. It means you have the right attitude about sex, which is that it is a choice that one should freely make, that it should be fun and enjoyable for all involved, that it should be safe and responsible, and that it should come without shame or guilt, regardless of the situation.
However it does at times seem like feminists can be anti-sex-until-marriage.
I have heard many times “You have to test the car out before you buy it” in regards to premarital sex.”
I know my cousin doesn’t want to have sex before marriage because she is terrified of getting pregnant (or dealing with an abortion) or getting an STD mainly because she knows nothing is 100% effective and doesn’t want to run the risk of going through that with someone she is not committed to.
It’s easy to say you support abstinence but then see it as an ill conceived choice.
Several friends of mine (all female, as it happens) have gone through voluntary periods of celibacy because it felt like the right thing for them to do at the time. Their reasons varied, but the central theme was that they felt they had gotten into the habit of having sex too easily or too early or with the wrong people. The celibate period was intended to help them improve their relationships with themselves, to spend time being a single person rather than part of a couple.
They varied from a couple of months to over a year, and all of them eventually went back to being sexually active when the time seemed right, and said that their celibate period had been a good idea.
As far as I know, all their friends (including me) were positive and supportive during those periods.
there are feminisms, and of course different feminist women will have different takes on the whole sex and abstinence thing..
linking sex and marriage can be problematic, in particular to a feminist like me, because the institution of marriage and its history isn’t particularly woman friendly.. whilst conceptions and some actualities of the institution itself may have changed about marriage itself, it can still be problematic especially in light of recent studies about different health effects of heterosexual couples, sharing housework, etc.. also not everyone will necessarily get married and/or support the institution.. given that marriage has been defined in particular ways by state legislation, this also seems to imply a strictly heterosexual interpretation of female sexuality and sex.. and that sex appears to be defined as penetrative sex between a man and woman..
as for the “you have to test the car before you buy it”, not each and every feminist would necessarily say that or support that premise.. whilst I’m not suggesting your experience is moot, that is a particular view that feminists may advocate in your circles, and is not necessarily shared by other feminist women in other circles..
In all the comments on this thread, I don’t believe anyone saw abstinence as an ill-conceived choice, and instead saw the voluntary not having sex with other people (whether having engaged in sex before or not) as part of their sexual autonomy..
in my circles I know of women who have decided that they do not want to have sex until they are in a committed relationship with someone they love.. as fellow feminists, they are not frowned down upon or their perspective seen as ill-conceived..
I AM one of those abstinent women. Not just celibate – abstinent. V-I-R-G-I-N.
For a variety of personal, only-applicable-to-myself-and-I-don’t-push-them-on-other-people reasons, I’ve decided not to have sex yet. I think I have a healthy attitude towards sex, and I look forward to it (oh, do I ever), but right now it’s not right for me.
I’ve been lucky to have family, friends, and an amazing partner who support my decision, but it’s the rest of the world that’s been combatant. From the gynos who tell me I must be lying because every 26 year old woman is having sex to the almost-strangers who accuse me of setting back the woman’s movement 100 years by not claiming my sexuality, I’m getting tired of being told that to be a feminist means having sex.
I’ve listened to a lot of arguments, and what I keep hearing, when they’re all boiled down, is that in order to be a feminist and sex-positive, I need to be having sex like a man (=lots of it, with as many people as I can manage). I mean, hell, I’m a liberated woman! This pendulum swing has gone too far the other way – where once you were chastised if you weren’t a virgin, now you’re chastised if you are.
What Jess said.
Sex positivity requires consenting adults. If one must have sex to be sex-positive, there’s an implied requirement to have sex and as soon as you don’t you’re no longer sex-positive.
Besides, there are plenty of people out there who are asexual. It doesn’t mean that they condemn sex or judge or shame other people who have sex – they may even encourage other people to go out, have fun, and safely fuck their brains out if they want to – it just means that they’re personally not interested in having sex.
I’m not going to call them sex-negative for that.
[...] Recently, during my travels through the feminist blogosphere, I happened upon a post questioning whether abstinence is inherently anti-feminist, and read through the comments. I was pleased to note that the overwhelming sentiment supported [...]
of course its possible to be abstinent and sex-positive.
i’m also a virgin (like katie up there) but its only been about a year and a half that i’ve been okay saying it out loud. just because i haven’t/don’t want to right now/don’t think its right for me at this point in my life doesn’t make me inherently anti-sex.
i’m all about sex and sexual liberation and people doing what they want when they want.
not legislating what other people do with their bodies (legally AND socially) also requires respecting what they choose to NOT do.
i don’t feel like a freak, nor do i feel like i’ve missed out on anything that i ‘should’ have experienced already. i just feel like me, and am making choices for ME: not just for either side of some ideological issue. THAT is what is important, i think.