i’m also a virgin (like katie up there) but its only been about a year and a half that i’ve been okay saying it out loud. just because i haven’t/don’t want to right now/don’t think its right for me at this point in my life doesn’t make me inherently anti-sex.

i’m all about sex and sexual liberation and people doing what they want when they want.

not legislating what other people do with their bodies (legally AND socially) also requires respecting what they choose to NOT do.

i don’t feel like a freak, nor do i feel like i’ve missed out on anything that i ‘should’ have experienced already. i just feel like me, and am making choices for ME: not just for either side of some ideological issue. THAT is what is important, i think.

Sex positivity requires consenting adults. If one must have sex to be sex-positive, there’s an implied requirement to have sex and as soon as you don’t you’re no longer sex-positive.

Besides, there are plenty of people out there who are asexual. It doesn’t mean that they condemn sex or judge or shame other people who have sex – they may even encourage other people to go out, have fun, and safely fuck their brains out if they want to – it just means that they’re personally not interested in having sex.

I’m not going to call them sex-negative for that.

For a variety of personal, only-applicable-to-myself-and-I-don’t-push-them-on-other-people reasons, I’ve decided not to have sex yet. I think I have a healthy attitude towards sex, and I look forward to it (oh, do I ever), but right now it’s not right for me.

I’ve been lucky to have family, friends, and an amazing partner who support my decision, but it’s the rest of the world that’s been combatant. From the gynos who tell me I must be lying because every 26 year old woman is having sex to the almost-strangers who accuse me of setting back the woman’s movement 100 years by not claiming my sexuality, I’m getting tired of being told that to be a feminist means having sex.

I’ve listened to a lot of arguments, and what I keep hearing, when they’re all boiled down, is that in order to be a feminist and sex-positive, I need to be having sex like a man (=lots of it, with as many people as I can manage). I mean, hell, I’m a liberated woman! This pendulum swing has gone too far the other way – where once you were chastised if you weren’t a virgin, now you’re chastised if you are.

linking sex and marriage can be problematic, in particular to a feminist like me, because the institution of marriage and its history isn’t particularly woman friendly.. whilst conceptions and some actualities of the institution itself may have changed about marriage itself, it can still be problematic especially in light of recent studies about different health effects of heterosexual couples, sharing housework, etc.. also not everyone will necessarily get married and/or support the institution.. given that marriage has been defined in particular ways by state legislation, this also seems to imply a strictly heterosexual interpretation of female sexuality and sex.. and that sex appears to be defined as penetrative sex between a man and woman..

as for the “you have to test the car before you buy it”, not each and every feminist would necessarily say that or support that premise.. whilst I’m not suggesting your experience is moot, that is a particular view that feminists may advocate in your circles, and is not necessarily shared by other feminist women in other circles..

In all the comments on this thread, I don’t believe anyone saw abstinence as an ill-conceived choice, and instead saw the voluntary not having sex with other people (whether having engaged in sex before or not) as part of their sexual autonomy..

in my circles I know of women who have decided that they do not want to have sex until they are in a committed relationship with someone they love.. as fellow feminists, they are not frowned down upon or their perspective seen as ill-conceived..

They varied from a couple of months to over a year, and all of them eventually went back to being sexually active when the time seemed right, and said that their celibate period had been a good idea.

As far as I know, all their friends (including me) were positive and supportive during those periods.

I know my cousin doesn’t want to have sex before marriage because she is terrified of getting pregnant (or dealing with an abortion) or getting an STD mainly because she knows nothing is 100% effective and doesn’t want to run the risk of going through that with someone she is not committed to.

It’s easy to say you support abstinence but then see it as an ill conceived choice.