Last week over at Bed, Bitch and Beyond blog, we talked about the joy of no sex. In this week’s post, it’s all about the not-boyfriends.
I’ve simply never bought into the idea that all sex must live up to the shining heteronormative ideal of candlelight and roses and true love (which, of course, will progress naturally to an engagement ring and a poufy white dress.) Now, I was always told growing up that “sex is what you do when you love someone.” Well, yes. But also…no. Fun sex with your friends has its place too, especially during dry spells between relationships, which is why my friend Jill often refers to them as “the dick in the glass case” (imagine a fire alarm: In Case of Horny Emergency, Break Glass and Grab Dick.)
Read on for more about the joy of casual sex and not-boyfriends, and why I hate He’s Just Not That Into You.
Thank you for being so open. My initial reaction, after reading the “In Praise of Casual Sex” post of yours on the blog over at Bitch Magazine, was that you might wind up having to delete a deluge of propositions from guys wanting sex without commitment. After further reading including your clarifying comments, I had more than one epiphany. First I noted you limited it to guys who were trusted friends. Next I realized that the feelings you so generously shared were in all likelihood much more the norm than people publicly admit. One of the biggest eye-openers was realizing that when I was 30 to 40 years younger I had undoubtedly been “the dick in the glass case”. I was trusted and in fantastic physical shape. It provides an explanation for how many women I thought of as romantic interests I wound up being my platonic friends. The next epiphany, much to my chagrin, was that the same process may have occurred in reverse with me on a subconscious level. It is also possible that an open proposal of marriage I made a long, long time ago could end up bringing a romantic partnership to fruition unless all of my recent reclusive exhibitionistic literary internet flirtatiousness is too much for her to accept. I wonder if my future holds the internet becoming a platonic friend?
I currently have two fuck buddies myself. I prefer to call them friends with benefits because they are truly friends that I trust. When I am single (like now), we also have sex. They are both great guys but for various reason, not relationship material (at least for me). However, I have a very high sex drive and it is lovely to be able to have two cute guys who are thoughtful and kind and upstanding citizens to call on when I’m feeling horny. I sometimes think that I really have the best of both worlds – I don’t have to put up with the annoyances of some dude but I still get to have awesome sex when I want.
@theorchidthief: Co-sign. To all of that!
I guess I’m technically having casual sex with a guy who might like me more than I like him. He’s just not what I want in a long term thing. Do you all discuss other partners in your life? My question is that your non-boyfriends–what happens when they meet someone else? You kind of talk as if they will be there forever. Honestly, is there just the tiniest bit of worry that they will find someone else and non-dump you, leaving you high and dry? I hate to admit it, but I don’t want to be the dump-ee, I want to be the first out. But I can’t find the strength to cut it off because of the amazing easy sex, and I don’t feel like and going dating right now. Talk about fucked–that’s me.
@thelady: Yeah, I hear ya. No one wants to be dumped, be it from a committed relationship or a casual one!
With not-boyfriend D., he does not believe in committed relationships at all. He doesn’t want to get married, have a family, etc. He’s always been very up front about that, and I respect it. I do think that he has other women he sleeps with, but that doesn’t bother me (I’d be a hypocrite if I did, since I am sleeping with other men). On the rare occasions that he’s found out about other men I’m dating, he’s gotten kind of jealous, but I’ve always said, “You don’t want a committed relationship, so you don’t have the right to be jealous.” He’s gets that, even though he doesn’t like it. I don’t think he’ll ever not-dump me, simply because he’ll never be monogamous and we’re very close, so I suspect there will always be a place in his bed for me if I want it.
With not-boyfriend A., we frequently talk about the other people we’re dating/sleeping with. It kind of adds spice to our encounters. I did call things off at one point, briefly, so I could focus on one man I was dating, and A. just said “I hope it works out for you.” When it didn’t, he was delighted to pick up where we left off.
Frankly, the fact that I don’t feel at all jealous or possessive is really telling. It’s how I know that the relationships are casual. It’s a very good emotional barometer for me.
The one piece of advice I’d give is to enjoy things for as long as they’re enjoyable. If you’re having amazing, easy sex, rock on. If you start to feel too emotionally entangled or anxious, get out. With casual relationships, you should always be running a cost/benefit analysis in your head. They’re supposed to be fun and easy. When they’re not, the cost outweighs the benefit and it’s time to end it.
Recently I’ve felt bad about the few times when I’ve had casual sex with guys who I wasn’t into emotionally, but just used to gain sexual experience and see what I liked and didn’t like. I would feel empty and bored afterwards, not want to see them again, and felt like I had cheated myself out of getting to know someone better and developing a real attraction, which would lead to better sex. I don’t want to use someone like that again, and felt better this year having sex with two guys, one who was a brief hookup but who I found very sexy and interesting through our conversation at a party, and the other a friend with benefits who I’ve been seeing on and off since April, who showed me real intimacy, sweetness, kinkiness, and curbed my “fuck and run” attitude, to quote Liz Phair. So the next time I would be in a relationship, I would know how to have a truly intimate sexual relationship as well as a loving emotional one.
Becky, thanks so much for responding, it really helps me sift out my feelings. Uh oh, I do have feelings, that I have been ignoring, so I need to run that cost/benefit analysis you spoke about!
Btw, my married friends who know about my thing are so gung ho about it! They don’t judge, they dont think I should cut anything off. Living vicariously, a bit?! eh, the grass is always greener.
My one friend with benefits, I am very open with and when I get a boyfriend, I stop seeing him. He is a confirmed bachelor and does not want a committed relationship. I think he is disappointed when I leave him for a boyfriend but always happy when I come back after we break up (and we always break up LOL). He also gives me great advice regarding my boyfriends. He never gets jealous. He is just super mature. He has a kid and a business and just doesn’t have time for a GF but likes sex. It just works, you know?
@thelady, I don’t think that’s “fucked” at all. I’m in the same boat. Divorced earlier this year, ending the 6th long-term relationship I’ve been in over the past 12 years (with virtually no breaks in between). I’m not ready for another committed relationship right now. But I’ve got a high sex drive, and am the kind of person who is capable of separating sex and love, so for me the FWB/not-boyfriend route is perfect.
I’m currently seeing one FWB whom I’ve actually been on-and-off with for several years now. It’s a little “sticky” for a couple reasons – first, he’s in another relationship he’s not happy in (I know, I know, but my rationalization is that it’s his choice to be here, and if he weren’t with me he’d be with someone else – and actually, I think he already has other partners). Secondly, I think he actually likes me more than I do him – he’s expressed as much in the past, and recently has made comments about what it would be like to be in a real relationships. So, I’m a little worried about that. But the sex is great, I trust him, and I have no feelings for him, so from my end it’s safe.
Another former FWB also recently proposed that we start up again, but I was in the reverse situation with him – I’d developed feelings for him that weren’t returned. So we’ve remained just friends, atleast until I’m sure I won’t start crushing on him again (b/c he was a great partner, otherwise, and w/o the “sticky” issues with my current FWB).
This is really all I want right now. I’ve had a couple guys try to ask me out for “formal” (as in, relationship-oriented) dating and I just really am not interested right now. I love that I get to have fun, then send the guy on his way and enjoy having my own time and space.
@viajera: I was divorced earlier this year too and with 3 kids and work-and my ex is not in the picture (long story) -to say I’m busy would be an understatement. Thanks for posting your situation and helping me reframe mine: it made me realize that sometimes trying to put a clear-cut name on things can make me crazy. You know, I might be one of those “confirmed bachelors” (what’s the female version??)–I love my time and space and cannot imagine giving it up and quite frankly, I don’t have the desire to be a good partner to someone else, especially when my kids need so much right now. Maybe I better stop analyzing and give thanks to The Goddess for what I got!
@thelady Wouldn’t it be confirmed bachelorette? I’m really enjoying discussing this with you ladies. I feel a little guilty though because I don’t have kids or anything and I STILL need my time and space and that’s why I don’t want a boyfriend. I’ve had various boyfriends since I was 17!! I’m not 34 and finally single and loving it – never married and no kids and I love spending time alone in my house after a busy week at work. But also getting to have sex with my friends with benefits is nice too. I sometimes feel guilty but whatever…I CHOOSE MY CHOICE! HAHAH.
ETA I’m now* 34.
@theorchidthief: I’m 34 too. I’d like to find a partner and have kids someday too, but at the moment, I’m very happy with my single life–having my own home and my own space and FWB to help with my sexual enjoyment. And hey, thank God(ess) we live in a society where we can choose our choice!
@Becky, exactly. Actually I don’t want to get married or have kids but wouldn’t mind finding a partner eventually. Maybe. Still haven’t really decided on that one yet.
@theorchidthief and Becky – I’m in a similar boat. I’m 36 with no kids (and unsure if I will ever have them, maybe I’ll adopt once I get settled into a career – *maybe*), but I’m working on my PhD so I’m plenty busy. I really don’t have time to seek out and start a new relationship, even if I wanted one. Not to mention that I’ll be leaving this city when I finish (in ~2 years), so there’s really no sense in getting in a serious relationship with someone here. But why be celibate if I don’t want to be? Not that there’s anything wrong with that choice, it’s just not what I choose right now.
I can understand why some people would enjoy casual sex. At the moment it seems I’m about to engage a casual sex relationship. I have thought about my reasons for doing so, but overall I feel ready.
But I also hope that in the near future I would enter a relationship. Just not now.
Just recently divorced after 23 years of marriage to the only man i was ever with. Have had casual sex with two guys since and am loving it. I have a teenager and a hectic job and it is perfect for me right now.
Really like being with the latest guy. Don’t know him well but would like him to be that fuck buddy. He is skilled – the sex is the best i have ever had and seems to be accommodating but usually I have to call him. Is that too desperate or is it just about doing what I want and calling him until he says no?