PhDork’s “Feminist Dilemma” post gave rise to some intra-Harpy discussion of my own recent feminist dilemma. Y’all can tell me what you think. Oh, and as a special add-on, I’ll tell you about the one time I was on the horns of a major dilemma, and instantly threw away all my feminist ideals.
Here’s my messed-up situation: this summer’s renovations left my TV cable completely ferkakta. The cable guy who came to fix it was a good-looking young dude, and when I showed him the TV, he was all flirtatious and cute with me: “Oh, mami, you gotta put it on channel 3! See, that’s what your problem is!” Of course, I knew the fucking problem wasn’t Channel 3, but that undoubtedly topped his troubleshooting list: silly girls don’t understand cable! (I ignored the flirtation and the “mami”, since it’s pretty much par for the course where I live.) I did take some real enjoyment in watching his expression change as he realized that the problem was not the silly girl, but that the cable was genuinely fucked up. Since the problem turned out to be my cable line (thanks, contractors!) I was responsible for paying for the service call. But Mr. Cable Lovah Man gave me a megawatt smile and said, “No problem, mami, I ain’t gonna charge you for the visit. It was nice to meet you.” And he collected his stuff and left.
Upon review, PhDork and I agreed that if I were older or uglier or in possession of a penis, he would have charged me the full $40. Without asking, I had just cashed in on my thin privilege and my blonde privilege and my age privilege and my damsel in distress privilege all at once. Mr. Cable Lovah Man was being a nice chauvinist, but a chauvinist nonetheless.
Now, on one hand, it’s good to save money, and it’s wouldn’t bring down the Patriarchy or change the plight of womanity had I insisted on paying for the call. And for once, I actually benefitted from chauvinism. God(ess) knows, I’ve been belittled and ignored and patronized plenty of times for being young and blonde, in both my personal and professional life. If I have to pay the penalty, why should I object to the occasional benefit? Cashing in on chauvinism kind of feels like fucking the Patriarchy with its own dick.
But still…I feel a bit icky about the whole thing. Even if I benefit, it’s still further proof of the general fuckitude of gender relations.
Once the cable line was fixed, the technician who finally came by to resolve the problem was a woman, and there was no flirtation or ensuing dilemma; she hooked up the cable box, let me sign for it, and left. I much preferred that scenario, even if it did cost me $40.
In that case, I was the unasking recipient of a little chauvinist kickback. But lest you think I’m above playing right into the Patriarchy’s hands when it suits me, I bring you this confession of my complete and utter abdication of all feminist scruples.
In 2007, I was in Zimbabwe with MamaSharper and BigStepdaddySharper to go animal-watching. We were in a relatively peaceful part of Zim, but we were still very much aware that we were in a country where the rule of law pretty much didn’t exist–or existed only at the whim of a thoroughly corrupt and brutal despot. At the Victoria Falls airport, the immigration officer squinted at my paperwork and called over her boss. You see, in the “occupation” section of the visa form I’d named the media company I work for. And the thoroughly corrupt, brutal despot–there was a huge picture of him looking down on me, with his little Hitler moustache–had recently thrown every writer out of the country. The authorities wanted to make sure I wasn’t a reporter trying to get back into the country posing as a tourist. I probably should have put something else down as my job, but I had been travelling close to 24 hours at this point, and was nearly brain-dead. Of course, my brain suddenly jolted alive with fear when I was pulled aside (so did my bowels, if you must know). I had an absolutely horrible, nightmarish moment when I realized that if I said the wrong thing, I could be detained–and I’m sure my family would have gone with me. Jail in a third world country with an HIV infection rate of 25%? Holy fucking shit. It took less than five seconds for me to toss aside every scrap of Western feminist pride and start shamelessly pandering.
I gave the official my best helpless Bambi look. “I just work on things that ladies like to read. Like, romances and silly stories.” Yes, I actually said the word “silly.” In fact, I practically lisped it. The official looked somewhat relieved, so I upped the ante, “I’m here with my father–” I pointed to BigStepdaddy, “if you want, you can ask him. It’s a family trip and he’s really the head of the family.”
Between my little girl routine and invoking my daddy’s patriarchial authority, the official decided I was clearly harmless, and stamped my passport. My parents were somewhat oblivious to this exchange, since they were standing in different lines. I didn’t want to say anything to them, lest BigStepdaddy spring into hyper-protective mode, which might make things worse. But three days later, when I crossed the border into Botswana–beautiful, stable, democratic Botswana–I silently flipped the bird at the evil despot’s portrait as my jeep drove away.
I have to say that whenever I’m being offered free services I snatch it up. Thats my cheap side winning out over my feminist side. You could maybe donate the 40$ to a feminist leaning charity.
My dad worked for the local phone company for years. Every time the company changed hands and names, he would hate the place and management a little more. I hope he wasn’t flirty or condescending about it, but he often spoke of not charging people for whatever reason he could think of, as a way to screw over the company and to help out the customer. “Oh, you’re a teacher, it’s free for teachers on Wednesdays.” Not saying that the situation necessarily matches, but hourly techs have a lot of leeway on what they charge for. He might do that for anyone who offers him a coke or a friendly word.
There’s fighting against the Patriarchy, and then there’s using the Patriarchy’s rules/customs to your advantage or for your survival. In the case of the cable, well, that’s a hit-or-miss proposition; you got a guy, he liked you, and however misogynistic his attitude, in the end you benefited and there’s nothing wrong with coming out ahead. As to Zimbabwe… you took a read on the situation, and used your knowledge to avoid a potentially unpleasant experience in a foreign country, which shows awareness, smarts, and above all, guts, for going against type to ensure your personal safety.
In essence, don’t feel icky. After such things happen, you can go right back to trying to change the system, so events like this do not have to recur.
Consider it a $40 surcharge that’s coming out of his pocket because he was letting his little (tiny) head do the thinking.
I will say, though, that I can understand your feeling a bit slimed by the experience. Having some stranger think smutty things about you *while they’re standing there looking at you* can make you feel yucky. But the reality is that he is the one who is the slimeball.
That’s his problem, not yours. What I wouldn’t give for $40 right now.
Two words: speeding ticket. ; )
The first situation, in my opinion, could go either way. $40 isn’t a ton of money (I say from my position of class privilege) but it also isn’t insignificant. Similarly, a technician flirting isn’t a huge thing, but it’s not nothing. To me, this really depends on where your individual comfort level lies — this could either be seen as stickin’ it to the man with his own fork, or giving up an opportunity to denounce the double standard. Ehh, perspective.
As for the Zimbabwe situation, Judiasm’s answer is the best here: preservation of a life above all things. I think you did exactly the right thing.
You also have to consider that the tech didn’t actually *do* anything. All he did was determine what the issue was and that it wasn’t their problem to fix. I’m sure they have plenty of leeway not to charge in such instances. I’ve had other service calls of that nature where I wasn’t charged because they didn’t actually resolve the problem. He may have just played it up as a way of flirting. And the woman who came the second time actually did hook the cable up, so a service was provided by the company (through her). I see no problem with that.
And the Zimbabwe thing was a matter of survival. And now that you’re past it you’re free to tell the story, bringing attention to the issues there. Sounds like a good outcome to me, all things considered.
That Zimbabwe story is absolutely terrifying. Baraqiel was right on the money when she said life above all things!
I try not to use ‘feminine wiles’ in everyday life, but I’m definitely not above turning on the smile and turning up the charm if I’m looking for a favor. I think I do that with both men and women, though, so it’s not really sexual, although the way of trying to curry favor–playing into stereotypes of what a ‘nice’, ‘friendly’ woman is like–does obviously have a gender component.
What an interesting exploration! Thank you for multiple detailed examples; they got me thinking.
The question, in my mind, is almost never “should I exercise my privilege or not?” Once I get to the point of asking that question, it means I’m in a situation in which there is no good answer. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
The question I pose to myself is: Can I manage to not respond defensively when faced with someone who is angry that I *have* this privilege? Because whether or not I exercise that privilege, the fact remains that I have options. And there are other people who don’t.
But when someone who doesn’t have my options is enraged that they don’t have my options: can I listen to their rage and not respond as if they are criticizing my choices? Because it almost always *feels* like criticism of my choices. Can I own that feeling, rather than blame someone else for having a *completely appropriate anger* when they talk to me about that disparity in privilege?
So…my dog escapes from my yard a lot. Like, weekly. And on the few occasions he’s ended up at the pound on a Saturday morning I’ve shamelessly gotten out of paying the $35 by pandering (just a tiny bit) to the officer who works there on the weekends. The thing is it’s not a male officer, or I probably couldn’t bring myself to behave that way. But this is a very butch female officer who’s widely known for her “unpleasant” demeanor. But she’s always veryverysuper nice to me. And I admit to being a little extra friendly and smiley with her. Legend has it that she never cuts anybody a break, ever. So I keep my mouth shut about it. I’m not sure if this counts as patriarchy pandering or not. I have an uneasy feeling it probably does.
@Rachel_in_WY:
I’m totally making things up here, which easy to do when I don’t know the context! But I wanted to ask: is it possible that you find that she’s “nice” to you because you interact with her like one interacts with a police officer, instead of a male interacting with her & expecting her to be subservient because of her gender? She may have the “unpleasant” reputation because people have trouble with a female police officer behaving like, well, a police officer.
I had to consult the Urban Dictionary on “mami.” My conclusion is that Cable Guy owes you at least $40 in objectification penalties, so don’t feel bad about the free service.
Thanks, y’all. It’s good to get different takes on this.
@FreshPeaches: I definitely owed Cablevision the $40 because the problem was the way my contractor had fucked up the cable line. If it was Cablevision’s fault, they wouldn’t have charged me, but it was my fault, so I escaped payment only thanks to Mr. Cable Lovah Man’s (chauvinist) goodwill. As Jex pointed out, he might give a pass to people who are basically nice to him or whatever, but his overall flirtatiousness and cutesy way of dealing with me definitely set off my chauvinism alarm. Sometimes you just know in your gut when you’re being treated that way, y’know? A lifetime of experience hones the instincts.
@Cheryl: You’re bringing up all the Big Issues that PhDork and I talked about in terms of privilege/responsibility/being able to take criticism. I’m sure we’ll get a few more posts out of that discussion, because more and more, I realize how fraught a lot of these situations are.
@Tallgirl: I went to Urban Dictionary to see what they said–it’s such a common term around here, I wanted to see how they defined it. I would say that this usage was like example #3 on their list. In NYC, esp. around PR/DR folks, it’s a fairly inoffensive term when used straight up. In fact, even the women use it with one another, and I’ve been known to call dudes “papi” in bantering conversation (esp. at my local grocery store). Cable Lovah Man was actually Trini or Jamaican or some kind of English-speaking West Indian (the dominant ethnic group in my neighborhood), and he had clearly co-opted it. But he didn’t say it in a skeevy way, like “mami chula” or “mami rica”. Those would have gotten a much nastier response from me.
Also, Rachel-in-WY, I wonder if Cheryl’s right about your police officer. If she’s used to being treated disrespectfully, maybe just the fact that you’re nice and you smile and treat her like she’s genuinely someone in authority is the reason you don’t get the same brusque treatment as everyone else. If she has this reputation, people may just be dicks to her because of it, and so she’s happy to see you because you don’t act like that.
Becky, I know it’s been already been said, but what you did in Zimbabwe was simply self preservation. That story gave me chills.
What an interesting post! I try not to flirt my way out of things, but this wasn’t the case with Creepy Cable Dude. HE was the flirter. I pretty much agree with SarahMC on this one.
The only time I can clearly remember saying “to heck with my feminist cred” was at Woodstock ’97, and I’m not even sure this story counts. The hill my boyfriend and I were camping on had washed out in the rain. A bunch of off-duty firefighters formed two lines on the hillside and pulled people up (you just stuck your arms straight out and they hoisted you up; they were almost knee-deep in mud). It was “women and children first but we will help men who will get on line help everyone else up for a little while.” My boyfriend at the time opted to try to make it up the hill on his own rather than help anyone. Upon hearing “women and children first” I got in line. I made it back to our (completely drowned) tent in minutes. It took him an hour and he was covered in mud.
I think in this case, ex-BF was being an asshole by not helping other people. I would have, if I felt capable, male or female. But I was not capable, and that is because I am a 98-pound weakling, but he WAS capable and that kind of chapped my hide (we didn’t last much longer). I certainly didn’t mind taking advantage of what wasn’t really chauvinism so much, but rather men using their strength (and training) to help those who, like it or not, are weaker.
[...] you say no, thank you? asks BeckySharper at the fabulously-named The Pursuit of Harpyness? Or do you take the freebie as a nice nod to your [...]
I agree with those who said it was a matter of survival in Zimbabwe. This world has a long way to go yet, so we’re not always able to live perfectly by our own standards.
I think we should only feel icky if we do that in circumstances where it’s not necessary, just convenient.
You always talk about such interesting stuff over here.
Lots or rationalization going on here. Feminists want the good parts of equality, but not the bad; which in this case would have cost you 40 bucks. As a man, I wouldn’t want to get a discount because someone pitied me or thought I was helpless.
Regarding the second situation, discretion is the better part of valour if your physical safety is at risk.
Once we get equality I’ll be happy to pay the $40. In fact, I’m happy to pay it without equality. But I’m not going to complain if someone wants to give me a deal.
Meh. I wouldn’t give the cable thing a second thought; cable companies are the worst, the more money you can not give them the better. As for the situation in Zimbabwe, discretion is the better part of valor.
For all my complaining about stereotyped as a large Black man, when it’s working in my favor I usually go with it ’cause most times it’s working against me.
@thatguy: You have the habit of coming into the comments and being contrary just for the sake of being contrary and anti-feminist. One more gratuitous (and offensive) generalization like “Feminists want the good parts of equality, but not the bad” and you will not be commenting here any longer.
As for the $40, I never asked the dude for a deal. He just gave it to me because he liked the way I looked. I don’t think that’s a good situation, and I said so. I don’t think that you, as a man, will ever find yourself in a similar situation, nor are we talking about your experiences as a man, so spare us the lectures on what you “as a man” would do in that situation.
Becky–Although I find this site interesting, it is also the female equivalent of circle jerk. As my comments (made in good faith, believe it or not) are not welcome, I promise not to post further comments.
@Thatguy: You’re right, you won’t.
The guy might be doing you a favor for a stupid reason, but it’s still a favor. Why wouldn’t this be like a sort of affirmative action?
I always joke about making up the wage gap one free drink at a time.
One author calls this the “patriarchal bargain”: we agress to act out our prescribed gender roles in exchange for the benefits (which also come with risks).
We know it’s often a lousy deal, but we do a risk-benefit analysis and sometimes it goes one way, and sometimes the other.
I think the first scenario is a question of exercising your thin-white-girl privilege, and the second one of exercising thin-white-girl power.
The second case is more interesting to me. As NefariousNewt says brilliantly, you displayed smarts, courage, and guts in a harrowing situation: You took a quick read of the scenario, and used the guard’s likely misogyny and perceptions about women to trick your way past him with a gambit that no male could have successfully achieved; I say that’s a far more substantial flip-off to patriarchal “authority” than a finger-wave at a photo!!
Personally, I dont think it’s right or beneficial to women (or society in general) to pick and choose when we want to play along with the patriarchy. When the argument becomes “it’s wrong, but…” or “I hate patriarchy except when…” then the whole argument is weakened. Which is fine, no one has to (or aguably is able to) avoid participating in patriarcal practices all the time. The problem is when the argument becomes that participating is beneficial to the cause.
Looking through the comments these few caught my eye. No disrespect is intended to any of the authors.
[H]owever misogynistic his attitude, in the end you benefited and there’s nothing wrong with coming out ahead.
- If this argument is reversed so that a woman suffers as a result we would all likely have a problem with it. Does the outcome really make a difference when the root cause is the same?
I’m definitely not above turning on the smile and turning up the charm if I’m looking for a favor.
– If a man benefits purely on the basis of being male, it’s patriarchal and misogynest but if a woman benefits purely on the basis of being female it’s ok? Personally I think double standards are to be avoided, no matter who is benefitting.
I’m not going to complain if someone wants to give me a deal.
– An economic benefit in exchange for an idealogical cost. Class privilege obviously comes into play with this argument. It’s certainly a valid veiwpoint so long as we don’t forget that nothing is free in this world.
@alyce: I think you make some really good points here. And I find myself agreeing with you, but also with some of the comments you’re responding to. This is why PhDork and I call these situations the “feminist dilemma.” There are no clear-cut answers.
Everyone has their own methods of dealing with/negotiating/busting through chauvinist or patriarchial obstacles we encounter. Personally, I think each situation has a lot of variables that have to be taken into account–but it’s worth examining them after the fact, because we can always be sure there are more feminist dilemmas in our future.