Via andreakw @ Flickr.
For some reason (cat fight!), CNN published this post from The Frisky, written by a woman who is sick of pretty women’s shit. “When a normal-looking woman like me befriends someone who is model-pretty, there’s trouble,” Jessica Wakeman says. I think she should have kept this in her diary instead of declaring that her personal ish is a universal truth among – and limited to – women.
Then there was the advice columnist at allegedly feminist blog DoubleX. Last week Lucinda Rosenfeld declared that you should not expect friends to get out of bed to come to your aid after you’ve been roofied. Ouch. She also told the letter-writer that people often make up stories about being drugged in order to cover up irresponsible behavior. But that’s another blog post. She advises her readers that friendship doesn’t require helping when she needs it most. It’s about meaningless gestures that pose no inconvenience whatsoever.
I think it’s time to celebrate the glories of female friendship and the compassionate and loving things our female friends have done for us. Sadly, I don’t have any true-blue, intimate friendships with women in my area. I love my “best friends” deeply but unfortunately they are scattered around the country and I only see them a couple times a year. I dearly miss my best friend from my hometown (let’s call her “E”), whom I have not seen since March. She lives in New York City. We don’t talk on the phone as much as we used to but when we do get together it feels as though no time has passed at all. Those are the friendships I cherish – the ones that do not skip a beat despite long absences.
Anyway, about a year ago I made a trip to NYC to visit the harpies and E. E is a very beautiful woman, but I don’t let it bother me (wink!). She’s a kind, generous, adventurous person. She’s always on the go, and she had a few activities planned for our night together. We went to some Fancy Party for Leighton Meester, and then to E’s friend’s house party. I don’t usually drink much but I was determined to keep up with E, whose energy is boundless. So I drank, and I drank, and I drank, then I puked. I puked on her friend’s rooftop and puked in her friend’s hallway. E quickly got our stuff together and helped me out of the building and into a cab. I puked in the cab. She comforted me and begged the driver to slow down over bumps.
She guided me into her apartment, stripped me naked and helped me into her bathtub. She gently washed me whilst I sat there, slumped over and groaning. Then she dressed me, tucked me into bed and slept next to me all night. I was extremely embarrassed the next morning and begged for E’s forgiveness, but she would hear none of it. Once I felt well enough, she took me out to brunch. We laughed heartily about my shenanigans a few days later, and I thanked her profusely countless times. I’m grateful to have a friend like E, and she knows I would drop everything to tend to her as well.
Here’s to female friends!
“When a normal-looking woman like me befriends someone who is model-pretty, there’s trouble,” Sorry, but that’s just nonsense, Jessica Wakeman.
Maybe “when a jealous person befriends someone with a coveted trait” or maybe even “When a person with a superiority complex befriends someone to lord it over them…” but neither of those dynamics have anything to do with having ovaries.
I feel sorry for women who claim that they don’t get along with other women. My women friends are such a treasure, and I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. From my bestfriendsince9thgrade who lives two time zones away, to my close-knit group of law school friends, these women are my family and I am so grateful for their presence in my life.
Jennyk I feel sorry for women like that too. I have gotten so much value out of my friendships with other women over the years. They are friends that I know would be there for me at a moments notice and I’d do the same for them. I have never had a “frenemy” either. If I don’t like someone I just don’t hang out with them. This doesn’t seem like rocket science.
I completely agree with JennyK. Female friends are the ones who have got me through the worst crises in my life. Not to downplay the contributions of male friends–two of my oldest, dearest friends are men I grew up with–but when I have to break out the Batphone for a 3 AM emergency, it’s my girlfriends I’ll be calling.
Bluebears is right, too–if your female friends are jealous or toxic or rage-y or spiteful towards you, THEY AREN’T FRIENDS.
Who are these women intending to live with when the dudes die or lose interest in them as “cougars”?
You know, I used to be one of those women who thought it was impossible to have a real friendship with other women. The ones I knew were jealous and petty and mean, and the men in my life treated me much better and it was just easier to be friends with them. But that was just because I hadn’t found the right women yet (and I was much younger and I’m sure some of those same girls are now better people as well, I wasn’t a picnic to be around then either I’m sure). Now some of my dearest friends are women and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
@PSoul: I think they figure that when they’re too old for sexual competition, relations between them and their fellow women will suddenly be peachy-keen.
Of course, this totally ignores the facts: A) Old ladies (and men) stay sexually/romantically active for a looong time
B) If you’ve never learned how to treat people well, you’re unlikely to become good at it in your golden years.
@Pilgrimsoul, I think my plan to grow old with my lady-friends is a lot more sound than hoping to grow old with a husband because (1) ladies live longer and (2) there’s a whole group of them, so should anything happen to one (marriage, moving away, death, etc) there are others who remain. Golden Girls house ftw!
I find that I tend to have a lot of casual friendships with guys, but most of my really close friends are women, and it’s true, they are invaluable to me. I find this sort of generalization about how women can’t be friends with one another really sad, because apparently these authors have difficulty connecting with other women, which sucks.
That said, I just had a very close friendship end because my friend got jealous over the quality of my relationship (apparently? this is my best guess) and started avoiding me, lying to me, turning away when we happen to meet on paths…it’s really awkward and hurtful. It is my feeling that friendships with women can be the best of the best and the worst of the worst, but again, this is only my experience.
Hah, this is BS. I wouldn’t have made it through my teen years without female friends and I damn well wouldn’t be so happy now I’ve moved to Taipei if I hadn’t moved with a couple of close girlfriends. And the people I miss most are my two best friends.
I have a stress-related illness which can involve bad panic attacks, and I can’t make it through an evening out if I don’t have someone who’ll be there for me if needed. Lucinda Rosenfeld is a very sad person, if that’s all she thinks of female friendship.
There’s a saying that you tend to attract/end up with a romantic partner who is about as emotionally healthy as you are. I think this also applies to female friendships. People who are into drama/pettiness/competition attract people who are into drama/pettiness/competition.
@JennyK – My best friend and I would joke, even in high school, about hanging out at the old folk’s home together – I’m lucky that even back then we knew the value of our friendship.
“People who are into drama/pettiness/competition attract people who are into drama/pettiness/competition.”
I completely agree with this. The women who say they can’t be friends with women tend to be the kind of people I wouldn’t want to be friends with in the first place.
I’m co-signing with Veggiewood and SarahMC. Anytime I hear a woman say “I’m more of a man’s woman” or “I don’t really make friends with other women” all the red flags start to wave.
“The women who say they can’t be friends with women tend to be the kind of people I wouldn’t want to be friends with in the first place.”
I’m jumping on this train of thought as well. Back in undergrad a woman I had thought was my friend said this to my face, “I don’t really like other women. Boys make much better friends.” As you can expect, I was pretty offended and our friendship didn’t last much longer.
That being said, I have had amazing friendships with many other women. Sadly, my closest friends all live on the other side of the country and sometimes I miss them like crazy. My husband is great but sometimes he just doesn’t get it the way they do.
Because of a serious case of internalized misogyny and “one of the guys” I didn’t have a lot of close female friendships until later in life.
However, I did have one in my late teens/early 20s who stood up to my toxic bullshit, baked me a cheesecake if I got dumped, listen to me cry, went on insane roadtrips with me just because.
I owe my later really awesome friendships with women to her, really. And my friendships now are some of the most awesome and best.
@ GeekGirlsRule:
I was once that girl, too. I always opined, “I like being friends with dudes more than girls” until I realized that it was extremely sexist and misogynist of me. (Former female chauvinist pig here)
I do have problems relating to the women I’ve met recently, especially those that are in my late 20s age group. I moved two timezones away from everyone near and dear to me so it’s kind of hard to start the ‘let’s be friends’ process again. The women I’ve met so far are the complete opposite of me and I hate some of the things they say and do but I’m craving female companionship so I deal with their bullshit anyway.
I guess you could say that I’m ‘waiting for the right woman to come along’ too.
I get along great with my fiance and we have a healthy relationship, so I know that I can have a healthy one with a female friend, I’m just waiting to meet her. And I’m also waiting to get the courage to go outside of my comfort zone and take the initiative on that….
Like llevinso and GeekGirls, my friendships up to college were more often with boys/men. I always had female friends, but I felt closer to male people. Well, certain male people. Because I’ve never been deep into stereotypically female things (beauty culture/fashion/shopping), I thought I didn’t have much in common with other women. I knew I didn’t want the marriage-and-kids thing. I knew I wanted to talk about politics and social issues and dissect culture, and those seemed like things boys were more likely to do. Of course, I was doing my own stereotyping and cheating myself out of relationships with women who were certainly smarter, more nuanced and interesting than I gave them credit for (slaps forehead). Hypocritical much?
Then came college, and some good lady-friendships, and some heavy-duty feminist awakening, and the male-female balance of my social circle began evening out. Subsequently, and in no small part due to the intarwebz, I’ve had the great good fortune of meeting and befriending some truly excellent broads, and now most of my non-couple socializing is girl-centric. The Dude has always had more female friends, although he has in recent years developed more relationships with guys, too. I assume this is in part a function of getting older, and probably also of living in an enormous city, where you meet so many people you’ll eventually click with some of them.
As for the frenemy/backstabbery stuff? Maybe in 4th grade.
There is absolutely no way in hell I would ever EVER have survived the emotional gauntlet that was law school without the four girlfriends I met there. They are fantastic, bright, beautiful women who have taken their share of 3am phone calls from me and I from them. We’re all spread out across the country now, but we keep in touch with epic emails and make an effort to get together at least once every year. I love them to pieces, and although I have some close friends nearby (who have been good friends for many years), I feel like my law school girls and I have a bond unique to friends who’ve survived some kind of harrowing experience with each other’s support. Not that I would compare law school to, like, war or something, but it was brutal, and only those girls who were there every day can really understand the imprimatur it leaves on one’s psyche. They were the best thing about law school, hands down.
I’ve had successful and unsuccessful friendships with beautiful women, and the difference was me and my jealousy/self-confidence level.
I had very close male friends growing up, but I don’t anymore, and the truth is I don’t feel like I’m missing out.
I grew up in a really chaotic, unstable family situation. My girlfriends were my rocks in many a storm, and in a lot of ways functioned as the family I didn’t really have. I don’t know what I would have done without them. Sadly, I up and moved away, so it’s a lot of phone and email time these days.
I remember when I was single (I’ve been single a lot in my life!) I used to always notice all the cute couples walking around together and lament that I was not part of such a duo. Then there came a day, about a year after I’d moved away from all my girlfriend, that I was out walking with my SO, and it occurred to me that the other couples were totally invisible to me. Instead I was fixated on all of the pairs or groups of women out walking or hanging out, and I realized how much I missed that.
Three years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 38. In total I had 12 rounds of chemotherapy and the girlfriend brigade kicked into high gear (and Post, my honorary dude girlfriend). I’ve never been a person with a ton of girlfriends but suddenly there were people driving me to and from my treatment at whatever time and whenever I needed them. I told Ann my treatment schedule and she’d shoot me an e-mail letting me know who was driving.
Now that I’m healthy again we see less of each other. Some have moved, I’m working and chasing after the kids.
Believe it or not it’s actually enough to almost miss chemo, almost!
I admit I never had any close friendships with women until grad school. But I think part of it was I went to a pretty snobby private school where the script for female friendship was really foreign to me, and I wasn’t very good at performing gender according to their standards, and I was athletic and good at math and other “boy” things, and I was used to hanging out with my brothers, so I just sort of gravitated to the guys. And then I majored in engineering, and then philosophy, which are both very male-dominated fields, so I just wasn’t exposed to many women who had similar interests. But in grad school I met a couple of other female students who didn’t seem to be speaking a foreign language, who had interests and political views that were similar to mine, and I finally got it. So I don’t really think my failure to make female friends was due to some internalized misogyny – I didn’t despise them or look down on them – I was just sort of puzzled and mystified by them. I often think that if I had gone to a larger school where there were more niches and more valid female identities available, this would have been different.
I am SO lucky in my best friend – I even love her husband. She’s a kinder, better person than I and I am extremely lucky to have her in my life. I feel sorry for women who don’t have good strong friendships with other women.
The competitive, catty type of “friend” soon finds me unavailable for all her social outings and happenings. I don’t need it.
Things my female friends have done for me:
-sent me a series of form letters with fill-in-the-blanks when I was on a long visit to my dysfunctional aunt and uncle in Tallahassee (home of the biggest cockroaches I’ve ever seen) in 9th grade. They came day after day for about a week and made me laugh like crazy.
-became a best friend after a night car ride to NYC, during which we shared intimacies that I’d never share with a guy I’d only known for about 2 weeks
-laughed with me after we lost round 2 of our moot court competition in law school because, among other things, we “didn’t look professional enough”. We were both just beginning our 2nd trimesters of pregnancy and were lucky to find anything that fit at all
-created and led a shivah service after my father died (this is a Jewish ritual that takes place for a week after a death)
-cooked and schlepped for me after my mastectomy, and got me off my butt and into a wonderful world of volunteering
-picked me up off the floor after I lost 2 jobs and a very dear male friend to suicide over the past year
But mostly, they’ve just been themselves, which makes them so dear, and they’ve put up with me, which makes them amazing!
I’m truly mystified by the Lucinda Rosenfeld post, because for me, every time something bad has happened, women who were only casual friends or acquaintances have come out of the woodwork to help.
My father was dying? A woman who worked in the lab next to my husband’s was temporarily adopting my dog so I could travel at a moment’s notice. We’d exchanged smiles and maybe fifty words before that month. Fellow-grad student feeling was enough of a bond.
Crippling morning sickness? Coworkers on the other side of the building were keeping me stocked with mint chocolate chip milkshakes, using their breaks to drive to the mall for me.
That weird newborn baby period? Neighbors I’ve never talked to were dropping of casseroles.
I don’t get it. In my experience, women jump up and reach out to support other women, no matter how small the bond between them.
Indeed, any time I have been in a bind it’s been women who’ve come to my rescue. Or my boyf, because he’s wonderful.
When I had my surgery and was going back and forth to Philadelphia and needed my mama to care for me round the clock, the women in her office donated their sick days to her so she could stay home.
I have been amazed by the declarations of female friendship and the genuine puzzlement at how women could treat each other so badly in light of the Lucinda Rosenfeld piece…
I am more familiar with the rejection of the girls in that letter than any of the declarations of friendship others have given.
My female friendships are very important to me, but whenever the chips have been down, they have failed me. I’ve moved on from those ‘friendships’ and am trying to build friendships like the ones mentioned here, but sadly I think these relationships are the rarity…
*apologies for the jumbly post*
I didn’t make very many or lasting female friends in college, but my high school girls have been there for me. As soon as I was living back in the hometown after college, I was re-integrated into the group. This is in spite of having very little contact with them while I was in school, and many of them being in pretty different places in their lives.
This whole thing hits really hard right now because my oldest friend from that group died in a car crash this past Saturday. It’s easy to think they’ll always be there.
Needs. More. Hankies.
So sorry, Jex…
Crap, I’m sorry, Jex. We send Harpy hugs.
Oh Jex, you have my sincere sympathy.
Bullshit.
I have more male friends than female friends, mostly because as a kid I was into ‘boy’ things like comics, games, heavy metal, etc.
My female friends mean a great deal to me, and they have done so much for me.
My oldest childhood friend came to my grandmother’s funeral even though we’d hardly seen each other since junior high school.
I’m bipolar and was hospitalized throughout high school. My friends (a couple of overachievers who NEVER missed school for anything) skipped out on class to make me cards and presents after a suicide attempt. They visited me in the local hospital, and sneaked me out for ice cream and candy to cheer me up. When I was in another hospital, out of town and away from family and friends, being abused by a staff member, one of these girls phoned me almost every day (I was there for two months). When I self-injured, she never judged me or made me feel ‘crazy.’ She just held my hand and told me that she wished I wasn’t hurting.
I have another friend who I met after I graduated and got my first job where I had to interact with people. She’d just gotten out of a relationship with a man who beat and raped her. Since we’ve been friends I’ve helped her through some pretty tough shit. I’m happy to because I care about her, and I know that she would be there for me in a heartbeat if I needed her.
Wait, sorry, I forgot. There are no real friendships between ladies.
Grr.
I don’t have any friend off the internet, but all the womin I meet are always kinder to me than the men. To be honest, I’ve never understood how a womyn could be friends with a MAN; all the men I’ve met are pricks.