There was a bizarre scene in last week’s episode of The Office, wherein Pam complained to Oscar that their boss Michael was sleeping with her mother.
“How would you like it if Michael was having sex with your mom!?” Pam asked.
After a brief pause, Oscar told her, “My mom is in a wheelchair…”
The embarrassed, stunned reactions on behalf of both characters suggested that Oscar might have told Pam his mom was dead. His mom is in a wheelchair, so – she can’t have sexual relationships? Using a wheelchair is not like being in a coma, and it’s not death. Wheelchairs don’t render their users incapable of sexual activity, nor do they erase sexual desire. I was baffled and pretty disappointed that The Office writers would desexualize and infantalize people with disabilities in that way.
Coincidentally (?), Chally at the FWD blog covered this in a post on Sunday. As she points out, people with disabilities (PWD) are often characterized as passive and stoic, not really living. That’s just not true.
It’s not that disabilities don’t affect people’s sex lives, but they don’t necessarily destroy people’s sexuality. Our media puts forth the message that only those with supposedly perfect bodies have sex (unless some frat guy sleeps with a fat chick on a dare). Straight, thin, conventionally attractive, able-bodied, cis-gendered white people are framed as “normal.” Everyone else is sexually deviant, sexually inactive, or unfuckable. That message has seeped into our culture and warped our “reality.” The consequence of this is not only intense body insecurity, but judgement about other people’s bodies and their potential as sexual beings.
On the other end of the spectrum, sometimes able-bodied folks treat PWD explicitly as sex objects, fetishizing them on the basis of their disabilities. Trust me; it’s out there. In terms of sexuality, the dominant culture pushes PWD to the margins, either desexualizing them or fetishizing them. In reality, PWD have sex lives as diverse as people without disabilities! To The Office writers, I’d say: don’t make assumptions about what PWD can or can’t do, or like or dislike to do in the bedroom – or on the floor, or up against a wall – based on their disabilities.
How exactly did it happen that such a tiny minority (white, slim, etc) got to be the norm? That ends up hurting everyone, even those highly abnormal “perfect” people.
And really, judging people by what you see is a big mistake. There’s a lot more to all of us than what’s on the surface-which shouldn’t even need saying.
People with disabilities have the right to be fully people just like anyone else, and that means all of the strengths, weaknesses, appetites and inclinations we all have. Being in a wheelchair doesn’t make you a saint. It’s hard enough negotiating a wheelchair-unfriendly world, I’d think, without the additional burden of having to be holier than everyone else.
If only tv writers used their powers for good…
Curb Your Enthusiasm just had an episode where Larry dates a woman in a wheelchair. There’s a montage of all the awkward positions he gets into trying to make-out with her. As if it’s impossible to kiss someone who’s seated.
Friday Night Lights had a main character in a wheelchair for the first three seasons, and I thought it was the best depiction of disability I’ve seen on television. One of the things they discuss is how sex is different, sometimes a little tricky, but certainly possible. The character has several romantic relationships with non-disabled women.
SarahMC, your post really resonated with me. I live with an invisible disability and sometimes I find it difficult to speak up and to advocate for my needs just due to how challenging it is to dispel these stereotypes about people with disabilities. It can be very energy draining at times, but worth it in the long run. Also, I checked out the FWD blog – it’s great. Thanks for recommending it to your Harpy readers!
I thought it was a weird line myself. I expected him to follow it up with, “…and she’s 97″ or “goes for much younger men than Michael” or something. I don’t know anything actually funny? The whole punch line was “wheelchair.”
Like bluebears said, when he said it I thought “okay….and?” and expected them to follow it up. But no.
Maybe they were trying to skewer the characters for their obvious discomfort with the idea? Maybe? Perhaps?
Yeah, I don’t really think that was it, either. Every now and then the writers hit a sour note on that show, like the “I was raped” moment with Kelly last season.
The thing that bothers me most about The Office is the extreme sexual harassment. There are moments with Pam that are so explicit they go way beyond the Michael Scott/no social skills set-up.
@Spark: ugh! yes! They go way too far. While its true that there is sexual harassment in the workplace some of the things are just really unbelievable. Some one would have filed a formal complain. Like that episode where Pyhylis got flashed and Micheal simulated a penis coming out of his fly with his finger??? totally not funny without some repurcussion/follow up. And by follow up I don’t mean, takes the women to Victoria’s Secret and buys them underwear.
That’s just it — either the disabled are unfuckable, or their disability is fetishized for non-disabled people’s titillation.
I’m disabled after dealing with rheumatoid arthritis since I was a kid, and these societal attitudes really messed with my self-esteem growing up. Finally, I wrote it all out in an essay three years ago. I hope you don’t mind my sharing it here. It includes voices from other women disabled by RA:
http://sirensmag.com/2006/05/sexy-with-a-disability/
It got a good response, but then I got an e-mail from a woman who wanted me to contribute to a disabled erotica site. I realize she had good intentions, but frankly, there was a real fetishy vibe I didn’t like. Sex is sex, whether you’re disabled or not.
I hate to be the one to bring it up, but Degrassi had a decent episode about a paralyzed person’s sex life. Jimmy (played by the rapper Drake, strangely enough) was shot and ended up in a wheelchair. A few seasons later, he and his girlfriend are trying to have sex, and he can’t get an erection. He eventually has to speak to his doctor about Viagra and such. I don’t remember how it ends, but it’s probably a classic Degrassi ending where everything is resolved in 30 minutes.
Feministscribbler, I think I know how you feel. I will probably write about that struggle soon so stay tuned.
JetGirl, I really like your article and I’m glad you shared!
I’m a day late to the party but I just wanted to chime in my agreement with Bluebears and BeckySharper. I couldn’t believe that the wheelchair itself was the punchline. The Office is usually better at hitting the right awkward note in those situations, picking something uncomfortable but at least logical, but there’s no consistent logical connection between being in a wheelchair and being unable to have sex (or being undesirable to Michael, or whatever their point was supposed to be). I was hoping Pam’s response would be something like, “…and…?” to indicate that Oscar’s mom wasn’t exempt from this hypothetical situation, but obviously that moment never came. Bluebears should have been writing this episode, because “…and goes for men much younger than Michael” is far funnier.